The Third Day

Wilson woke up feeling extraordinary and very pleased with Himself: He had just come up with a new joke. Why did Wilson, the almighty one, create humans? Because He is very humourous! Wilson started to giggle at the ingeniousness of His joke. Ha, thought Wilson, humans start with "hu" and humourous also starts with "hu", therefore, it must be funny! Wilson was surprised at His amazing wit and use of flawless logic. After an hour of giggling, Wilson marched out of His room with a confident look on His face.

Outside the room, Wilson can see Wilson the Tavern Guy sitting at the counter. He was doing calculations of some sort and leading a very dull life, unlike Wilson, known for his intense masculinity, who leads a very adventurous and exciting eternal life. Wilson was thinking of offering help to Wilson the Tavern in doing the calculations and show off his math skills along the way, but Wilson had a better plan. Wilson decided to brighten His best friend's day by telling him His latest joke.

"Hey, you sure are leading a dull and boring life, unlike me!" started Wilson as He leaped right in front of the counter. "Let me tell you an amazing joke that I just thought up!"

Wilson the Tavern Guy was uninterested, but since he was up against Wilson, he decided to hide his interest (or lack thereof) and leaned closer to Wilson and tried to keep a smile of his face. "Sure thing!"

"Why did Wilson, the almighty one, create humans?" said Wilson eagerly, also trying to hide something: His satisfaction at His own cleverness.

"I don't know," replied Wilson the Tavern Guy, hoping to just get it over with.

Wilson tried to answer, but He suddenly started giggling uncontrollably to Himself and walked out the door of the tavern, leaving Wilson the Tavern Guy confused at the counter. Wilson the Tavern Guy shrugged, picked up his BIC pencil, and continued working on his calculations.

After defeating the main component of His enemy, Apple Inc, Wilson lusted for access to the internets and email. His friend, Wilson the Tavern Guy, was of no help and Wilson considered killing him for being unhelpful and not being able to read His mind and hear the rest of His joke, but for now decided against it, not ruling out the possibility of the owner of a tavern would be useful in the future. Wilson had a lot more jokes left to tell.

The chance for email and internet came when He was confronted with Wilson H. Gates, at that time the CEO of Microsoft and also the cause of anger for liberal hippie communists for being for being the man. While Wilson didn't necessarily agree with these basement dwelling nerds' opinions as they were incorrect, the fact Wilson needed internets immediately didn't appear to make Wilson H. Gates chance of survival hopeful.

With a snap of fingers Wilson teleported through space and time into Wilson H. Gates' medieval Blue Screen of Death Castle or BSODC for short. If Wilson wasn't Wilson, He would've shivered at the mere mention of such a frightening and desolate name. However, Wilson is Wilson so wearing His blue jacket and Made in China Jeans, He waltzed through the front door of the BSODC like a manly ballerina, without a care in the world.

With an ethernet cable and router in hand, thunder seemed to sound in the distance as Wilson tiptoed into Wilson H. Gate's chamber room smoking a cigarette He pulled from nowhere. Wilson H. Gates didn't seem to be surprised by Wilson's sudden appearance and if Wilson wasn't Wilson, He might have felt some type of emotion. Instead, Wilson spit out His cigarette and put it out by coldly stepping on the butt while His eyes stared at Wilson H. Gates without any visible (or invisible) compassion.

Wilson H. Gates waited patiently as Wilson began to speak.

"Gates, you no longer have a right to remain alive, I have come to defeat you and take away your internets." snarled Wilson without any feeling whatsoever.

Wilson H. Gates stood up from his throne. Again, he had no look of surprise on his face and responded to Wilson's claim ferociously and with just as little feeling but not quite there yet for Wilson H. Gates was not as Wilson as Wilson was.

"I'm afraid that's impossible, dear brother. I have heard from my spies that you were coming and prepared myself," smugly stated Wilson H. Gates.

While Wilson was not scared, He was curious of Wilson's plan and let down His guard for the moment. Predictably in an almost cliché fashion, Wilson H. Gates pressed a magic red button from behind him that trapped Wilson in a bubble of information.

Wilson almost had His interest piqued, "Hey cool, it's the INTERNET!" said Wilson, somewhat thankful that the necessities He needed fell into His lap so easily through some otherworldly Wilson Force.

Wilson H. Gates smiled a smug smile, similar in smugness precentage to Wilson's one million internet tough guy smile and said, "But of course Wilson, you can even turn it off anytime you want."

"What?" replied Wilson, "Then what would be the point of this 'trap'?"

"You didn't let me finish, Wilson," said Wilson H. Gates with a disapproving look on his ugly mug, obviously he did not like to be interrupted, "You can turn it off anytime you want...If you can survive this!"

Wilson looked, it was a Rick Roll page, the kind you couldn't turn off properly. Wilson looked incredulously and nearly buckled in laughter -- was this all Wilson H. Gates had?

Wilson H. Gates laughed a mighty laugh, and if Wilson wasn't Wilson He wouldn't have had the heart to take Him out of the joyous "victory". But Wilson was Wilson, so He quickly went to Tools and disabled Javascript -- halting Wilson H. Gate's devious plot.

Wilson H. Gates was still manically laughing, prematurely celebrating his "win". Wilson then, took His ethernet cable and made a noose with it, throwing it upon Wilson H. Gates' bloated head and pulled him over without killing him, a mighty feat considering the person pulling was Wilson. Wilson H. Gates was amazingly still laughing so Wilson took both his eyeballs out. However, with greater vigour than before, Wilson H. Gates still laughed his laugh, almost angering the mighty Wilson. Wilson then took off His gloves and desecrated the heart and soul of His enemy through the simple but effective sure-kill technique of shoving His fingers down Wilson H. Gates' throat, suffocating him.

But Wilson did do one nice thing: right before Wilson H. Gates died Wilson said to him, "If it makes you feel better, I've eliminated your nemesis Wilson Jobs, so you've won your little feud. Oh yeah, nice operating system you've made there: Windows ME."

Wilson then took His internets and His ethernet cable back and walked away from the late Wilson H. Gate's castle saying under His breath, "Purple bus, Microsoft."

Wilson returned to the tavern holding His ethernet cable in one hand and with a devious, but triumphant look on His face. Wilson knew at once that Wilson had made another victim.

Wilson promptly entered His room, plugged in His Invincible Gates™ computer (oh sweet, sweet irony), which He picked up on the way out of Gates' castle, connected the ethernet cable, and then proceeded to turn the computer on. Wilson actually kinda liked Wilson H. Gates, mostly because he created the world's best operating system: Windows ME, but unfortunately, he had the internets on him, and Wilson needed access to it immediately, so He was forced to eliminate him. After Wilson logged in, He launched Internet Explorer and it shortly popped up. Wilson finally had access to the internets.

"Finally, after all these days, I AM IN THE INTERNETS!" exclaimed Wilson ecstatically, as He began to type the address for His email provider. His joy quickly faded, however, when He saw His inbox, as He saw something that horrified Him. What He saw was not cannibalism in progress, but something much worse than that. In His inbox, He found an email that contained an ad for natural male enhancement that was sent to Him by some unlucky and unthoughtful spammer. Wilson became furious. Normally, if Wilson was not on a killing streak, He would have just created a virus and send it to the spammer, wreaking havoc the spammer's computer, but since He was on a killing streak, the spammer was going to have one unlucky day.

Wilson quickly utilized His internal radar, similar to a dolphins, but not quite there yet as dolphins did not exist at the time, to track the spammer down to a small city in the state of Alabama. With one hand, Wilson ripped off His jacket, revealing His black t-shirt underneath. Then, Wilson, using only His godly feet and His extraordinary determination, sprinted to the front entrance of the house of the spammer. He ringed the door bell three times, and on the third time, a black man opened the door.

For a moment, Wilson pondered whether He should kill a man who has a different ethnicity than Him because people might accuse Him of being a racist, but then again, with His Made in Bangladesh t-shirt, Made in China jeans, and His Made in the Philippines shoes, He was already pretty multicultural, so He decided to continue on with His plan.

"Wilson here," began the spammer, Wilson, "And do I even know you?"

"How dare you question my potency?!" thundered Wilson, "Do you know who you are dealing with here?"

Wilson thought for a moment and suddenly realized who the handsome man standing in front of Him was.

"Don't tell me you're... Wilson..." said Wilson shakily, "And if you are, I sincerely apologize for the embarrassment that I may have brought you... I'm sure that you can be rock-hard without even being aroused..."

"ONLY ROCK HARD? How DARE you? It's harder than diamond! Also, NO ONE DARES TO SPAM THE ALMIGHTY WILSON WHICH IS ME - you are the first one!" roared Wilson, "Now, you shall pay for your ignorance... with your life!"

Wilson took a baseball out from nowhere and then took a mighty swing at Wilson, sending him into a collision course with a giant tree. Wilson hit the tree with a loud thump, detaching the limbs from His body. Wilson landed on the ground, blood gushing out onto the grass from where His limbs used to be. Then, as the words "FINISH HIM" appeared on screen, Wilson grabbed Wilson's head and ripped it straight off, with the neck bone still attached to it.

Wilson began His walk back to the tavern, with the sun slowly setting behind Him. If you listened hard enough, you could almost hear a voice in the wind saying, "Purple bus, Microsoft."

When Wilson returned home, He quickly entered His room and laid down on His bed, tired after a day's hard work. Wilson had done most of things He had intended to do, and for hours, Wilson wondered what was left for Him to do, but before long, He decided to fall asleep.