CHAPTER 3: RECUPERATION

Following the occurrences on the beach, Merlin slept for two days with Gaius checking him periodically. Arthur's funeral has seriously set his convalescence back.

The first day that Gaius felt that he was well enough to leave his bed; Merlin refused to open his eyes and pulled Arthur's blanket around him, kicking out as Gaius tried to get near him. Gaius patiently asked him to get out of bed and he replied, "I don't need to, I don't want to and I won't because I can't!" Gaius recognized this as a variation of the theme, I can't feel, move, think or care, what's the use of getting out of bed.

But Gaius had dealt with more than one recalcitrant patient and Merlin soon found himself lying on the bed without the blanket which Gaius had taken down into the lower chamber and placed on a chair. Gaius sat down at the table and had breakfast, hearing a sound behind him, he waited and a disheveled Merlin sat down before him. Gaius became solicitous once more and made sure that Merlin had a small serving of porridge, some tea and took the tonics and herbal medicines he'd specially concocted for him.

Gaius was shocked at Merlin's appearance, he was almost street-worn. His eyes lacked any depth or brightness, his skin was pallid, with grey overtones. His face had a cadaverous likeness, hollowed cheeks and dead eyes. He had the look of someone who had experienced major physical suffering but Gaius knew it was all mental. He was in a world of his own or was it more correctly, a world of their own.

Gaius was not Merlin's favourite person at this point by any means. Merlin still felt desperate, he felt hopeless, he had no friends, he had no interests so why did Gaius get him out of bed. He was happier if it could be called that, living alone in the hurt and darkness of his own mind. Everything was hopeless. He couldn't do anything right and suddenly he remembered Arthur who had depended on him, trusted him and he had failed him. Gaius realised that Merlin's mind was descending, crumbling again and he looked at his young assistant and felt his pain.

Gaius decided that a regular schedule was needed. He made him get out of bed daily, he insisted that he change his clothes regularly, keeping clean laundry available for him. He tried to get good wholesome food inside him and he never pestered him with questions of how he felt. Gaius was wise, he bided his time, he knew when Merlin was ready, he would want nothing more than to talk about how his friend had died and reminisce. Now was not the time.

The physician was impressed with the good wishes which he received from the townspeople and castle staff , wishing Merlin a speedy recovery. Gaius after he finished his rounds, would always stop by the kitchens and everyday, there was a linen covered basket full of tidbits to tempt Merlin's appetitie. With tears in her eyes, one of the cooks confided that Merlin always came to her seeking foods which he felt might tempt Prince Arthur and she only wanted to reciprocate as she felt the prince would have done, if he had been here. Gaius was impressed with her simplicity and kind heartedness as inevitably, there were two portions included everyday.

People offered to drop by and visit but Gaius knew that he was doing a disservice to Merlin allowing them to see him in his current condition. There were two exceptions however, Gwen and Lancelot. Lancelot was visibly shaken the first time he saw this post-Arthur Merlin but he was capable and sat with him, should Gaius be called away on an emergency. Gaius trusted him.

One afternoon, Gaius was working at the table, purifying water for mixing his herbs and he knew that Merlin was messing with some dried flowers and pebbles.. He was conscious of a voice repeating his name. He said, "Mmmm?" then he mind focused it was Merlin's voice.

"... Gaius?"

Gaius's head snapped up and he was looking into Merlin's eyes. Bright eyes! This was the first time in three weeks that Merlin had initiated a conversation. So, he smiled and said, "Merlin, it's you!"

"Gaius, what happened to me? I mean, I know Arthur died but what happened... to me?"

Gaius simply said, "You were exhausted, both physically and mentally."

"Because I let Arthur die, you can say it. I remember..."

Gaius immediately grabbed Merlin's hand, getting his full attention. "You did not, are you listening, you did not let Arthur die. You were not to blame. Arthur had health problems. You were there and you helped him so much, you prepared him for his death. You did a great job." Gaius looked at him, realising once again the tormented state of the young man's mind.

"But why am I now sick? Do I have Arthur's illness?"

"No, you do not have his illness. Your mind has had a little problem, it has been overworking and it needed a rest so, it closed itself down. By resting, it will rebuild itself. Some of the herbs such as gorse, sweet chestnut and mustard have helped relieve some of the symptons but, Merlin, as in many other things time will be a factor."

"Am I well again?"

"Getting there..." said Gaius smiling. "But you must continue with the good food, the tonics, and keeping yourself active and involved. You will have more and more days where you're lucid and interested in things but I cannot promise that there will not be setbacks."

"...and my magic?"

"Once you are well, it will come back." He laughed as he looked into Merlin's eyes which were beginning to dull, "You can't take magic out of a Merlin, can you? You will be a warlock until the day you die!"

Suddenly, the effort that this little conversation had taken on Merlin was apparent. His eyes were getting dimmer and he was becoming unfocused. Merlin was beginning to slip away again. He looked tired. He asked Gaius if he could go and rest. Gaius told him that he could lie down for a couple of hours but that he'd expect him up and tidy for supper.

Merlin walked slowly to his stairs, he turned and said sadly, "When I am really well, Gaius, I will clean out that leech tank!" With that, he walked up the stairs, turning to give the suspicion of a grin.

Gaius looked at his hands, they were trembling. "Welcome back, Merlin," he said to himself quietly, "You have a long way to go but you have taken the first step in that direction."

Merlin was slowly getting better. The twenty-four hour nursing shifts which he had been doing as he had been unwilling to let anyone, save Gaius and Gwen help him look after Arthur, had exhausted him.

His mind was often in playback mode but he was able to overcome the panic he had experienced the first time it had happened. He remembered the afternoon when after freshening him up and trying to make him comfortable, Arthur had seized his wrist, pulling him down and had asked, "Is this a dying thing, Merlin?"

Merlin had settled on his knees and had removed Arthur's hand by slipping it into both of his own and pulling it closer to his own chest, nearer to his heart. Dying inside himself, he had looked into Arthur's eyes and answered a question that he had never expected to hear for many a year, "Yes...Arthur."

Arthur whispered, "Merlin, I'll miss you!" Closing his eyes, he fell asleep under the drugs, Gaius regularly administered to keep the pain in check.

A tear rolled down Merlin's cheek, he felt so fragile. He felt bad thinking of himself but he whispered, "Arthur, please don't leave me here alone!"

Gaius had his share of memories. He remembered going into Arthur's chambers and saw the two of them fast asleep. Arthur was cuddled into Merlin who had an arm protectively around his shoulder. Not wanting to disturb them, Gaius quietly picked up the medicine bottles which Merlin would normally have returned to him by this time of day.

He turned to leave and saw that Merlin's eyes were open, he lifted his hand beckoning him over. Putting his finger to his lips, he whispered, "Arthur had a bad night, restless, crying and wanting to talk. It was after dawn, before he got to sleep."

Gaius told him, not to disturb him but let him sleep and he'd be back with some food. He left, telling the guard on the door that there were to be no visitors for Arthur, unless cleared by him.

There was a daily improvement in Merlin's health. He ate well and regularly went outside into the little courtyard off Gaius's chambers. He would sit on a bench wrapped in Arthur's fur-lined blanket and think.

Gwen had just left him and his mind slipped back, he remembered a visit Arthur had had from Lancelot. Merlin trusted him and had taken the time to go to the kitchens to see if there was anything special for Arthur to eat.

When he returned, Arthur was still propped on his pillows talking, he was getting tired, his voice was hoarse and his breathing laboured. He smiled at Merlin and turning to Lancelot, gasped, "You'll see to it then?"

Lancelot stood, and with a strangled voice said, "Sire, you can count on me." He turned to leave, acknowledging Merlin with a nod and whispered, "Just keep looking after him, Merlin, please!"

One night at supper, Gaius mentioned Uther. Merlin flashed back to his last encounter with the King.

Uther had come to see his son. Arthur was no longer speaking, as when his pain was intense, Gaius had him sedated. As the king walked in with Gaius, Merlin stood up, bowed and left the room for the ante chamber. His senses were heightened and he could plainly hear the hushed conversation in the adjoining room.

The King was distraught and in pain. He accused Gaius of not trying hard enough and after a three minute tirade, during which Gaius stood silently, head bowed. Uther walked to the bed and stood looking at Arthur's emaciated body as it gasped for every breath.

He swung around and stormed out of the room, seeing Merlin as he left. He turned to Gaius, pointed at Merlin and in a strangled voice, hissed, " ... and keep him out of my sight! I never want to see him again!"

Merlin was crushed.

Gaius had later tried to explain that it was his grief speaking. Merlin knew that one day he would forgive but not forget the outburst yet most of all, he had missed hearing Arthur's voice standing up for him as he always had done.

Even under a light sedation, Merlin would have nightmares and Gaius would sit by his bed, watching that whenever he became physical, trying to scratch, pinch, hit or bite himself, it didn't get too violent. He knew Merlin was blaming himself for being alive. He let him work through his nightmares, just sitting there monitoring him.

Some mornings, he remembered the nightmares, others he did not. He would look at the scratches on his body and the bite marks on his arms and hands and lift his head pleadingly to Gaius, no need to ask why, and Gaius would whisper, "In time, Merlin, in time..."

Other nights, he would waken, sobbing and crying. If he didn't settle quickly, Gaius would go into his room and hold him till he relaxed. . He would only ever say to Gaius, "He was here, Gaius, I felt him beside me."

Merlin was now suffering mentally as much as Arthur had physically. The only difference being that Arthur's pain was over and Merlin's would last his lifetime. Sometimes fading, other times hitting him so suddenly that he would have to gasp for breath.

As the months passed, the intensity of the nightmares lessened. No more physical self-abuse, just the dark circles under his eyes and the lack of energy, proofs that he had had a troubled night.

Gaius and he would often talk of Arthur, or rather Merlin would talk and Gaius listen. These conversations were beneficial to him. Although the end result would always be the same, he was beginning to slowly accept his new life without Arthur.

The dragon had been wrong! His destiny was not with Arthur.