Finding home
Sirius
I was lying on James' bed and pretending to listen to his babbling over Evans. From what I had gathered, he had gone to the little book shop where she was working to ask her out and she had slapped him. »Like a bloody fury! It was brilliant! «, he announced and I just nodded. It was weird listening to his swarming, I could feel my stomach tighten and I was sure that I was going to be sick if he didn't stop. Right in that moment, my mobile buzzed.
(13:25; from: unknown)
Hello this is Remus. I hope I'm not bothering you it's just that I'm bored to death and I could do with a little distraction. It's so quite here without you lot.
I smiled at the massage. I liked Remus, he was smart and quite good looking and I had the feeling that we could be good friends.
(13:26; to: Remus)
hey u. ur not bothering im just listening to james rantings over evans and i know the feeling ;) how much longer do u have 2 stay there?
(13:26; from: Remus)
Just a few more days. Pomfrey said that I might as well go back home and just come in for my therapy sessions.
Therapy? He never mentioned that, did he?
(13:26; to: Remus)
that doesnt sound too bad. therapy tho?
I waited. James was still talking and didn't even seem to realise that I wasn't listening. Just what exactly happened to Remus? I wondered, when I finally got an answer.
(13:28; from: Remus)
Shit. Yeah, I kind of need it. I'm sorry but I'd rather not talk about it.
(13:28; to: Remus)
no need to be sorry mate. Do u want me to come and visit u some time?
(13:28; from: Remus)
If you want to. You really don't have to, I mean, I'll be fine.
(13:29; to: Remus)
sure i dont have to but maybe i want to ;)
(13:29; from: Remus)
Really now? And why would that be? ;)
(13:29; to: Remus)
why dont you find out? ;) is tomorrow ok? 3 p.m.?
(13:29; from: Remus)
Sounds good to me. See you tomorrow then.
»Are you even listening to what I've been saying? «, I heard James' voice from across the room. I looked up from my phone and nodded.
»Of course my love, Lily is a bloody fury and you love her because she slapped you. It's a bit masochistic, don't you think? «
James frowned. »She's just playing hard to get. «
»I'm sure she is Prongsie. I'm sure she is. «
Remus
It felt weird; only a few hours till I would return back home but I really didn't feel like it. I had been in hospital for a month and not once had I heard from mum, let alone from Fenrir. It was the middle of the night, maybe 2 or 3 in the morning but I was wide awake because my mind just didn't let me sleep. I was used to that, although I had been sleeping better lately.; especially when James had been with me. Against all expectation I had really enjoyed the company and James seemed nice, no matter what Lily said. She was still angry with him although I had tried to tell her multiple times that James Potter was not the one who pushed Severus into the river; every time I started to mention it though, she got furious. It was quite clear that James had a huge crush on Lily, what I did not understand was how Lily could not see this.
Speaking of crushes, every now and then I caught myself thinking of Sirius. His stormy, grey eyes and the smooth, long hair, and that laugher; like a barking dog. Sirius had spent quite a lot of time at the hospital during the last week. Sometimes, James had come with him but mostly it had just been Sirius and I and I really couldn't deny any longer that I was somewhat smitten. I found myself smiling into the darkness and mentally slapped myself. You really need to stop this Lupin.
I still hadn't slept when the sun began shining through the window and it must have showed because Dr. Pomfrey looked at me quite concerned when she came into the room.
»Good morning, Remus. So, are you ready to go? «, I nodded, unable to actually say something. On the one hand I was quite glad that I didn't have to stay any longer, on the other hand I felt slightly nervous about returning home. What would mum say? »Your friend is here to pick you up. «, Dr. Pomfrey said as she left the room again. I frowned. My friend? What friend? I knew for a fact that it wasn't Lily because, she was currently in Germany, visiting some distant relative.
»You coming or what? «, a familiar voice called from outside the door and a second later, Sirius poked his head through the door. I couldn't help but smile; that really was unexpected; I told him so and he only smiled back and winked – winked – at me, telling me to move my arse outside. I did as I was told and there in the sun, waiting for me, stood Sirius' motorbike, with an incredibly sexy Sirius sitting on it.
»What do you think you're doing? «, I asked, rather unsure of what I was doing.
Sirius smiled at me. »Why, I thought I was giving you a lift. «
»Yeah, but why? «
»Stop asking questions and get on the bike. «
Sirius was a good driver. I would have expected him to be reckless or to at least ignore the speed limits but no such thing; it almost seemed like he actually wanted me to get home in one piece. Unfortunately, we did. When Sirius stopped the machine in front of the small house my mum and I lived in I realised just how much I had dreaded this moment. My hands were sweaty and shaking and I felt sick. Suddenly, Sirius' hand lay on my shoulder, gently pressing it; I turned my head to look at him and saw him smiling at me. It was an honest smile. The kind of smile that made your heart melt. The kind of smile that promised you that everything would turn out well. I believed him. Taking a deep breath, I stepped forward but stopped once again.
»Could you - «, I hesitated. I felt ashamed to ask but at the same time I knew I had to. »Could you maybe wait here for a bit? If I don't come out again within the next ten minutes you can go but...«, my voice failed. Anxiously I looked at Sirius; I had expected him to look confused or amused but he was still smiling and he looked at me as if he understood.
»I can do that. «, he answered in a soft voice. »Or I could come in with you. You don't have to do this alone, whatever it is. « I was unable to answer but it turned out I didn't have to because now it was Sirius approaching the door. I unlocked it and we stepped inside. There was no sound expect the television in the living room.
»Mum? «
More noise from the living room. There were feet slurping over the floor. The door opened and a very angry, very drunk Fenrir came into the corridor, followed by the smell of cigarettes and beer.
»Now, if that is not the little bastard himself. A shame, really. I was hoping you would try again and off yourself for good. «, I could hear Sirius drawing in his breath next to me and I closed my eyes for a second, trying to keep control. There was a reason why I hadn't told them about me.
»Where's mum? «, I asked eventually.
»Send her on holiday when the hospital called. Really didn't want to upset her, did I? «
»She doesn't know? « I asked in sheer disbelieve. » I was in hospital for almost a month and she doesn't know? «
»Since it was you that put you there in the first place, I reckoned that that was not necessary. «
I blinked. I should have expected it. I really should have but –
»Who's your boyfriend then? Too scared to come here alone, were you? «
Neither of us answered. Slap. I heard his fist hitting my face before I could actually feel it, let alone comprehend what had just happened.
»I asked you a question you worthless shit! «
»Alright, that's enough! «, Sirius stepped forward, glaring at Fenrir in outrage. »You will back off, now. Remus is leaving again and if I ever hear that you bother him again you will regret it! «. Fenrir stood there as if he didn't understand what Sirius was saying to him and then he started laughing. I could feel Sirius hand on my shoulder again, slowly pulling me backwards but I didn't need his help to know what had to happen next. Without looking back, I turned around and left the house again, trying not to think. Sirius and I got on the motorbike again and he started driving; I had no idea where to but I honestly didn't care. I was too caught up in fighting the numbness that had started to crawl up on me again.
Breath in.
Breath out.
Breath in.
Breath out.
Sirius
I really had no idea what had driven me to pick Remus up from the hospital but now I was quite glad that I did. Fenrir Greyback. I knew that man. He used to work for my parents and I had always disliked him but now seeing him like that, drunk and so utterly pathetic, bullying and hitting Remus, that dislike had turned into pure hatred. We were just driving along the river, when I could feel Remus tensing up behind me. It had been a shock to hear that he had tried to kill himself and I was sure Fenrir's remarks hadn't exactly made things better. I pulled over to the roadside, shut the motor off and turned around to look at Remus. It was hard to make out through the helmet but he seemed to have his eyes closed, breathing hard, his body shaking ever so slightly. I took off his helmet and he opened his eyes. The other boy looked at me in confusion like he had just realised that we had stopped.
»Are you okay? «, it was a stupid question. Of course he was not okay but I didn't know what else to say. Remus opened his mouth to answer, then shut it again and opened it. »Y – No. No I'm not okay. «, he turned his head to avoid my eyes. His gaze fell upon a spot far across the river and his eyes widened. I followed them and saw that I had stopped near the Shack. I looked back at Remus and something inside my mind clicked.
»Is that – I mean – Is that where you tried to…you know? «
Remus nodded, still not meeting my eyes.
»Come on. «, I said in an attempt to get his attention back from whatever dark place it was right now.
»Where are you taking me? «, his voice was low and rough and I would have nearly missed it.
»James. If that's okay with you. «
»Yeah. Yeah that's fine. I'm fine. « it sounded like something he had learned by heart a long time ago, like he was so used to saying it, he didn't have to pay attention to it anymore; his voice lacked every emotion and it made me incredibly sad. I was just about to put the helmet back on Remus head, when he spoke again.
»Sirius? «
»Hmph? «
»Thank you. «
»You're welcome. «
This time he did meet my eyes. Brown eyes, just like James' and yet...I swallowed hard and forced myself to continue in my motions. It was strange. Ever since I met Remus I couldn't stop thinking about him. I was used to James being constantly on my mind, but somehow, this was different. Great, I thought, from one crush to another. Sirius Black, you really are pathetic.
James
It was about 11 a.m. when I heard Sirius' motorbike in the driveway. I didn't really understand why he had wanted to bring Remus home but then again, Sirius was strange like that. I had learned not to question him, years ago. But really, sometimes I just couldn't work him out; since we were 16 he used to have one one - night stand after another but I couldn't remember him ever being in a relationship and sometimes, just sometimes, I had that strange and unnerving suspicion that he had a bit of a crush on me. It was the little things; things that would remain totally unnoticed if you didn't know Sirius, but I knew him and it made me wonder. The door downstairs opened. Footsteps rushing through the hall, voices, then I heard my mother calling my name.
»James! Would you come down please? «. I sighed but did as I was told. Walking down the stairs I frowned; there were more voices than there should have been, something was wrong, something was really, really –
I entered the hall and stopped. Sirius was standing in the middle of the room, one arm wrapped around a wretched looking Remus, my dad stood in the door leading to the living room, looking rather concerned and I could hear my mum fussing in the kitchen.
»Sirius? « I asked. »What's happened? «
»It's Remus. He cannot stay there any longer. «, he said, shooting me a meaningful look, his voice urging. I didn't even need to ask where 'there' was; seeing as he had wanted to make sure that Remus got home safely and that they were both here now told me everything I needed to know. Finally, my mother rushed back in, a tray with tea and biscuits in her hands.
»Come on you lot, let's move this somewhere more comfortable. «, she said and went into the living room. We all sat down and drank our tea in silence for a moment. Remus seemed to recover because he started shifting around uncomfortably.
»Listen, Mrs. Potter - «
»That's Euphemia for you, love. «
»Right. I'm really sorry for this. «
»There's nothing to be sorry about. You can stay here for as long as you want. «, she smiled at him in that warming, motherly way and I felt incredibly grateful and proud to be calling myself her son.
»That's right mate. I don't even need to know what happened. If Sirius says that you cannot stay there any longer, you cannot stay there any longer. «, I said. It was as simple as that and I trusted Sirius on that matter because he knew what he was talking about. Remus seemed to be fighting back tears and I decided that it would be best to let it rest for now. We talked some more and during that I watched Sirius carefully. Ever since they had entered the house, Sirius hadn't left Remus' side even once and I found myself strangely jealous. Wait. Jealous? What would I be jealous of? I shook the thought off and concentrated on the conversation at hand but was once again distracted. This time it was my phone.
(11:30; from: unknown)
Hullo, this is Peter, the nurse, i was wondering if you guys have plans for 2night?
(11:30; to: Peter)
Hi Peter the nurse. No, not yet.
(11:30; from: Peter)
You do now. Theres that rly nice pub called toms tavern. Wanna come?
(11:31; to: Peter)
K. can remus come?
(11:31; from: Peter)
Sure. 7?
(11:31; to: Peter)
7. c u
A little time later I found myself with Sirius and Remus in my room. Remus had just told me what had happened and I could perfectly understand why Sirius had come to the conclusion that he had to get out of there. The most upsetting fact was, that Remus had actually tried to kill himself. I couldn't understand it. It made absolutely no sense to me and it felt wrong. I didn't say any of that because I also felt sorry for Remus and I liked him and the last thing I wanted to do was hurting him by some cruelty.
»Thank you again. For everything. «, Remus whispered but I shrugged it off, »It's nothing. «.
Sirius looked thoughtful. Our eyes met and I had a feeling that he was about to tell his story, just to make Remus feel better. It's your choice, I tried to tell him with my look. He chewed on his lower lip and eventually took a deep breath.
»I know how you feel. «, he started and caused Remus to look up. »About three months ago I ran away from home as well, or more precisely from that house I used to call my home. It never was. Not really. My - «, he hesitated. I knew, he was about to talk about his parents. »My parents were – are – not really nice people. They are awfully ignorant and old – fashioned and I was never the perfect son they wanted me to be. Not like my brother. Reg was always their little sunshine. When I was ten I became friends with James and I think that was the first time I openly disobeyed my parents' orders. I got locked up on the attic for a week because of that and after that, well, I never liked their rules and I made sure that they knew and the more they beat me, the more they hated me the more I actually enjoyed breaking them. Being myself. When I was sixteen, I found out that I was Pansexual and I knew, that would be it. I knew that, if they found out, I was a dead man, so I made sure they wouldn't find out. I was engaged to one of my cousins, Bellatrix, and I was supposed to marry her once I was eighteen. Well, needless to say that it never came to that. In April then, my dear mother found some magazines in my room, hell knows what she was doing in there, probably looking for a reason to throw me out. Well, she found it and it was probably one of the worst moments of my life. She didn't just get angry, no, she got angry when I didn't get a straight A in every class, when she found out I was smoking or that I went to places she forbade me to go, when I stayed out late or when she found booze in my room. That day, she totally lost her mind. She yelled at me in a way she had never yelled at me before, called me names I didn't know existed, she called me the biggest mistake of her life, that she should have killed me right after my birth, that I was unworthy of the name 'Black', a disgrace, an abomination. Then my father got home. I remember that I had locked myself in to make sure that I had enough time to pack my stuff. He literally knocked down the door and after that I don't really remember anything anymore. Just a lot of pain. I woke up in the hospital, the whole Potter family right next to me, telling me that I would be living with them from now on. Best day of my live. A few weeks later, I got the latter that I've been disowned, cut off from the family account, the whole package. I really don't give a shit though. I'd rather starve to death, than pay anything with that money. I'd rather sleep under a bridge than ever return to that house. I'm sorry about Reg though. We were never really close but he was still my brother and he wasn't even half as bad as my parents. He even tried to protect me a few times, covered for me when I'd done something wrong. I haven't seen him since I ran away. I just hope he's alright. « Sirius voice broke. He stared blankly at the floor, his face, motionless, his voice had been monotonous the whole time and his hands were shaking slightly. I looked at Remus, who looked at Sirius. His face was pale and I could swear that his eyes were particularly wet. I couldn't blame him. But there was something else in his look. Something gentle, I couldn't quite place yet. Remus noticed my eyes and quickly looked away, blushing. We sat in silence for a while until I remembered that I had promised Peter that we would be meeting him later.
Sirius
At 7 p.m. James, Remus and I were standing in front of an old pub, a slightly weathered sign above the door told us that we were looking at 'Tom's Tavern'. Inside the pub the lights were dimmed, it was very warm and the air was misty; the smell of cigarettes, beer and whisky was in the air, creating a significant, yet quite pleasant, atmosphere. We looked around to see weather Peter was there yet and spotted him with two girls sitting in a corner, waving to us.
»Hey, this this Marlene, my girlfriend and that's Dorcas. «. Peter said after we had crossed the room. We introduced ourselves and James went to the bar to get us drinks.
I squeezed myself into the corner, Peter on my right, James on my left, the two girls sat next to Peter and Remus took the chair right opposite to me. When James returned with three beers, Marlene was just telling us about her new job at the local newspaper.
»What about you guys? What do you do? «, she asked, taking a nip from her cider.
»Well, «, I started. »I'm a tattooer. I started about a year ago and someday I hope I've got my own place. «, the girls whistled impressed, whereas Peter looked unsure. James was rolling his eyes at me but the only reaction I had actually been paying attention to was Remus'; there was a twinkle in his eyes and he shadow of a smile on his lips.
»Do you've got tattoos? «, Peter asked me in awe. I looked at him, frowning. There wouldn't be any point in me becoming a tattooer if I hadn't got some myself, would there? I thought, but then smiled and nodded. »Course I do. It's kind of necessary, isn't it? Besides, it's punk – rock. «. Grinning, I tucked up my sleeves and revealed a nice, big, tribal tattoo on my left arm and the words 'mischief managed', on my right. »I've got more but I had to get undressed for those and I'm not sure if you're all ready for that sexy body of mine. «, I added with wink towards Remus. Our eyes met and I could see the corners of his mouth twitch. Neither of us breaking eye contact, I slowly raised my glass to my lips, sipping at it, when, once again, Peter's voice interrupted. »But, doesn't it hurt? «.
I fought back the immense impulse to roll my eyes at him. I will never understand, I thought, why people keep asking that. »Well, yes, but it's supposed to hurt, isn't it? «. I noticed the slight touch of annoyance in my voice, so did James apparently because he quickly stepped in.
»This berk convinced me to get one as well. Got me drunk and the next morning I found myself with this. «, he said, also revealing his arm; there in clear, black letters it read 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good'. I laughed out loud at the memory of that night. It had been maybe six months ago. We had nicked some vodka and orange juice from James' house and gone to the Shack; I had my equipment with me and eventually had gotten James to agree and after a lot of whining and complaining of my best friend I had eventually done both our tattoos. To my relief we changed the subject because I really didn't think I could take any more stupidity from Peter tonight. We talked about school and holidays and then Marlene asked Remus what he would like to do since he hadn't said anything yet. That was when I realised that I was in deep trouble. I was ready to jump at that girl to defend Remus and I tried hard to think of something to say, so he didn't have to go into details about himself and his live. However, Remus seemed to be in complete control of the situation. He smiled, »Well I would like to be a teacher one day. «. he said and Dorcas' head sped up. »Really? Me too! What do you want to teach? «
»English and History. «
»Nice. I would take History as well but I've always been pants at languages. I enjoy physics, though. «
They talked some more but at some point my mind started driving off.
Krack. Somewhere at the other end of the room a tray crashed to the floor. I could hear glasses breaking and loads of swears. »For fuck's sake, Ethan! «, a very angry voice echoed from behind the bar and Tom rushed in. He was quite short, with mousy brown hair and his face was red from anger. »That was the fifth time you crashed my glasses today. Not counting the rest of the week. You come late every bleedin' day, if you come at all and I've had enough. Out! Out! « Ethan, the boy, looked blankly at his boss, then with a sudden rush of anger pushed Tom out of his way and stormed out of the pub. The whole pub had gone silent and was now slowly picking up their conversations again. Remus and I got up to help Tom clean up the mess.
»You need a hand? «
»Oh, thanks boys. Really I don't know what to do anymore, that was the third one I fired during the last two months. «, he mumbled more to himself than to us.
»So, «, Remus said, he sounded thoughtful and I wondered what he was up to. »You're looking for a new employee then? Any special requirements? «
Tom looked up, eyeing Remus with a mixture of surprise and scepticism. »Well, if you can tell the difference between a lager and an ale, you'd know more than that boy. Oh, and you'd have to be able to actually carry a tray without thrashing it every time. «
Remus smiled. »I should be able to do that. I'm really looking for a job, see? «
»Well you can hardly be worse than the last two dimwits I had, so feel free to come by tomorrow night. «, Tom grumbled before he vanished behind the bar again. Beaming at me, Remus followed me back to the table.
»I didn't realise you were that desperate. «, I said. Of course there we worse places to work but 'Tom's Tavern' wouldn't have been my first choice either.
»Who's desperate? «, James asked.
»Remus. He just got a job here. «
»You did? «
»I did. «
»Why? «
»Well, you know…it is really dead nice of you to take me in but I can't stay there permanently, can I? I need to get my own place eventually and with my current financial situation - «, Remus' voice trailed off. I took pity on him. I knew what it was like to have nothing at all but at least I knew that I could always count on the Potters.
»What d'you mean you need to get your own place? Don't you live with your parents? «, Peter asked surprised. Remus made a painful grimace. »I did. Kind of had to leave today and now I'm kipping at James' place. « he explained shortly.
»Oh. « Marlene just said. She and her two friends exchanged a look. »You could live with us. «, she finally said.
Remus frowned. »With you? «
»Yeah. We've still got a room free. Been looking for a new flatmate for ages. «
»Are you sure you'd want me to - «, Remus started but was cut off by a »Yes! «, of Peter and the two girls. »You can come around tomorrow if you like. Have a look at the room an'all. «. Peter suggested and Remus nodded, smiling. It looked nice when he smiled and I hastily looked away only to notice that James had been watching me. »What? «, I mouthed but he just shook his head and concentrated on his beer.
»For a successful new start, then! «, I raised my already half empty beer.
»That's the spirit! «, Peter shouted.
We were all a bit drunk after the third round of beers and a few shots of tequila and I heard myself slurring, »Remus. Remus, y'know what you need? You need a nickname! A proper nickname like Prongs and me. «
Remus made a sound that sounded like half laughing – half snorting. »I never had a nickname. «
»Exactly! Everyone needs a nickname! «
For some reason everyone seemed to find that extremely funny and soon the mission: Nickname, was postponed.
Around midnight we decided that it was time to go home. Peter and the girls lived right around the corner of the pub, James, Remus and I, however, had to walk a bit longer but arrived at the Potter Mansion eventually. »We've got a guest room for you. «, James explained to Remus as we went upstairs. A few moments later, we had all gone to our rooms and I could hear James snoring through the door. I went to the bathroom before I too would go to bed but found the door locked.
»Remus? «, I asked. I felt a little uneasy and I was worried, although I really didn't know why. There was no answer from the other side of the door. »Remus are you in there? Are you alright? «. Then, finally I heard some noise and the flushing of the toilet. The door opened and – I almost fell on the floor from laughing.
»You – Oh god! You've got moons on your boxers! Mooooons! «
»Sirius please - «
»Oh I know, I know! I know your nickname! «
»Sirius, Padfoot, don't you dare - «
»Moony! Monny has moons on his boxers! You're Moooooony. «
Remus groaned in frustration and embarrassment and I could see him blushing. »Are you done? «, He asked but he didn't seem angry. In fact, I could see a smile playing on his lips.
»Good night, Moony. «, I whispered and went into the bathroom.
»Good night, Padfoot. «, Remus said and I closed the door.