I started from the beginning, and how I had lately been striking out immediately before bed. I then moved on to the Asian girl at the bar, and bringing her home. I continued on to when I had her in bed. Lily gasped and smiled when I told her about when I said I loved her, but called her Robin. She interrupted me and could tell that I had been unknowingly striking out on purpose. I nodded and continued with the story. To my surprise, it actually made me feel better to talk this all out. Lily was especially delighted when she found I had sent the girl home, without sleeping with her first.

"Really?" She had exclaimed. "That is a big step! I am really proud of you." There was an awkward silence before Lily spoke again. "Barney," she sounded slightly sad, and she spoke quieter than before, almost as if she was worried, "what is wrong? Why…"She didn't need to finish her sentence, I knew what she was going to say.

"Why was I crying?" I asked, though I knew the answer.

"I have never seen any emotion in you in my life. It seems like it is all coming out at once. All of those buried feelings just…exploding. I am worried about you. Are you okay?

I couldn't have said it better myself. I felt exactly like what she had described. I wasn't used to feeling this, and it didn't feel very good. I wished Robin were here to comfort me. Lily was great, but she was a friend. I wanted Robin. She was my love.

"I would be better," I started to say, "if Robin were here. Do you know if she is at home?"

Lily hesitated before saying, "I took her home before I came here. She was probably really tired, and I don't think it would be good to go wake her up. It would be super weird."

My face must have shown my disappointment, because Lily sat me down on the couch with her and hugged me. I felt terrible. I shouldn't have brought Lily here. If I had kept this to myself, I would have been able to control myself, and maybe push my feelings back down. I could have kept this whole ordeal to myself, and maybe gone back to living normally. This is why emotions are bad. They make you do things you regret, like calling friends and pouring out your secrets. I hated myself at that moment, and I wished I could brainwash Lily and kick her out. I wanted her to leave with no recollection of this event. What was I thinking? Lily was the biggest blabber mouth in the world. This secret was safe for one week at the very most. Lily would go to the bar and feel so sorry for me that she would have to tell Robin the truth. Then, Robin would look at me and Lily and awkwardly make up some event she has to be at and leave without saying a word. I had to get out of this.

"Psh" I said as Lily hugged me. She pulled away very confused.

"What?"

"Come on," I said trying to be convincing, "I mean, me? In love? Are you kidding me?"

Lily didn't look convinced.

"Seriously Lily. I was obviously just, you know, like, practicing a play from my playbook. I mean duh."

Lily angrily stood up from the couch. I mentally high fived myself at my success. I thought the anger in her was because she had been fooled.

"BARNEY!"

"I am sorry. I needed someone to practice on. You are as good as anyone."

I felt a sharp sting on my face as she slapped me.

"Oh please Barney. You are a liar. There is no way that was all an act! I am so mad at you! Why, Barney? Why?"

I didn't know what to say. I didn't truly believe she would buy my act, but I didn't know what to say to her reaction.

"Why what?"

She sounded furious as she answered, and as if she was struggling not to scream, "Why are you so freakishly afraid to give love a try?"

I stared at Lily, speechless. I knew the reason, of course. I loved Robin. I wanted to be with her all of the time. I wanted to endulge every part of her. Her smell, beauty, skin, and everything else. It was all perfect. If I told Robin how I felt, and she couldn't return the feelings, then it would be awkward between us forever. We could never simply have a drink at Maclaren's together, or sit in a cab, or just hang out. I would rather have to live friends, and just friends with Robin, then have to risk it all for the slim possibility that she would like me back. I couldn't live with myself if I threw our friendship away just like that. I was so scared that Robin would never love me, and so I was scared to admit it to anyone. The more people I admitted it too, the closer Robin was to finding out, and the sooner our friendship would be trashed. It was then, that I decided I didn't want to have this conversation anymore. I looked at Lily, and, without a word, walked straight out of my apartment.

I heard the door open behind me, and I was sure that Lily was following behind. By the time I left the building, I could tell she was just a few paces behind me. I wished she would stop following me and mind her own business. I wished I had never said a word to Lily. I didn't want to be mad at her, but I didn't want to be near her either. The truth was, I just needed some time alone, to sort everything out. About thirty minutes ago, I would have said just the opposite, but now things had changed. I realized that it wasn't Lily's job to tell me what to do. That was my job. All Lily could do was make suggestions, and try to comfort me, but that wasn't working. I was definitely new to the love thing. That goes without saying. I just wished Lily would stop following me so I could figure this out alone. I picked up my pace to try and leave Lily behind.

"Barney," she was still right behind me.

I turned abruptly. I wanted her to leave me alone, Didn't she get that? "Lily," I sounded so angry. I had never heard the fury in my own voice before. It surprised me, and based on her facial expression, it surprised Lily too. "Go away. Stop following me. Okay?" My angry voice was slowly turning to sadness. I was starting to sound tearful again. I sort of felt bad for lashing out on Lily. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. And now I was going to start crying again. Great.

It took all of my will power to not burst into tears right then and there. I continued, "I just, really want some time alone right now."

She was shocked at my sudden mood change, and couldn't even speak. Instead she nodded her head, and reluctantly turned away and left.

I stood there, on the crowded side walk of New York City. So many people were passing by me, but I stood frozen. Although I saw many faces, I had never felt so alone in my life. Lily would probably tell Robin within a day about my feelings for her. Ted and Marshall would know too of course, and they would never be able to look at me the same again. I would be the weird guy, who likes a girl in our group of friends.

I would never be the same person. I would never be the same person.

But loneliness wasn't the only feeling I felt. There was something else. Something also new. It resembled loneliness, in that it left an empty feeling in my stomach. I had felt this very few times in my life. Ask any of my friends and they would think I had never felt this way. It was rare in me, just like my love for Robin was rare. But, as I stood here on the sidewalk, I knew, without a doubt, that I was feeling it. I, Barney Stinson, felt undeniably guilty.

I didn't have to wonder why for long. It wasn't because of my sudden outburst on Lily. It was about something else. My whole adult life was spent the same way. I would go to a bar, see a hot girl, fake her into sleeping with me, get her out of my life, and then never see her again. I had repeated this over and over and again and again with close to 200 women. I felt guilty now. I now realized that they were all people, just like Robin was. I had loved my whole life like women were not real people. But now, knowing that Robin was most certainly a real person, that means every single one of those women was too. They were not just play toys, but they were people with real feelings and beliefs. I could have ruined some of their lives. I probably ruined marriages, took away peoples virginity, and I definitely lied to most of them to get them into bed. I did all of that, but never apologized to a single one of them. In fact, the only evidence available that I ever even slept with these people is a stupid scrapbook with a picture of each of them.

I sighed, and realized I should probably go back up to the apartment. I started walking up, trying to think of something to write on my blog. However, by the time I was in my apartment I was to tired to even think about writing at this time. I had a very long night, and I needed some sleep. It was hard to sleep with the mixture of want for Robin, loneliness, and guilt, but I managed to sleep somehow. I had decided that the next day I was going to have to do something about the major guilt I was feeling. I didn't want to go to the bar and see Lily, because we ended on a pretty bad note tonight, and I really wanted to do something that would get this guilt off my chest. I wasn't excited to do it, and it would take forever. I obviously couldn't do it all at once either, because it would take at least a week without sleep. But I knew it was the only way. I knew that I had to apologize to every woman I had ever slept with.