Jane awoke with a start, and although she was fully conscious, it took a moment for her to get her bearings. Since her first run in with Hoyt, she had had difficulty sleeping, and each subsequent encounter had only served to exacerbate the problem. His atrocities seemed to pass easily through the veil between her dreams and the waking world, confusing the edges of her reality and making it hard for her to trust her own mind. For this reason, Jane had taken to the habit of mentally replaying her previous day in full, before she opened her eyes or gave any credence to the thoughts jangling in her head.
Event by event, Jane retraced her steps until she arrived at the place where she currently lay, her bed. As memories of Maura flashed past, Jane became aware of the woman nestled up tightly against her. A smile drew out across Jane's face. Maura and Jane had become lovers last night, and Jane had never felt so at peace.
Jane opened her eyes and looked over at the woman so close to her in bed. Maura was still asleep, and she looked beautifully disheveled. Jane reached out to brush the hair from Maura's face but stopped short of touching her. Jane did not want to wake her up, fearing in some irrational way that it might break the spell. What would she say to her best friend now that they had been so intimate?
Jane tried to recall how it had all happened. What had led them into each other's arms? Maura had been comforting Jane and Jane had pushed her away. Then Maura was sad because she had been through the ordeal as well and was looking for comfort from her best friend. Then Jane had taken her in her arms and...and...rack her brains as she might, Jane could not recall who had kissed whom first.
"Surely that did not matter," Jane scolded herself. They had shared such wonderfully passionate moments, Maura had to feel the same way that Jane did, right? Maura had said that she loved Jane. But of course she did, they were best friends, and Maura was reminding her of that fact.
Panic started rising in Jane's chest as she searched for the evidence that Maura indeed felt then same as she did.
"What was said before?" Jane asked herself, hoping that ordering the events would put to rest the twitch of fear in her gut.
I told her that I wanted her, then she said...what? Then it hit her, and the clarity with which Jane saw the whole night horrified her. Maura had said, "I surrender." I surrender? Oh Jesus! That's just as good as I give up! Maura had known what Jane had wanted and had given in to her. Good God! Was it pity? Was it acquiescence? Or worse. Had Maura been vulnerable, looking for strength and comfort from her best friend only to be taken advantage of?
Jane got up out of the bed, careful not to disturb Maura, and crossed to the Bathroom. Her nerves were raw, and her mind was pinging off in a thousand different directions. Jane bounced around the tiny bathroom like a Superball with her palm pressed against her forehead and her eyes clenched shut.
"Think Rizzoli, think! What the fuck are you going to do about this?" Jane new that Maura was going to wake up soon and if she did not settle on a plan of attack, she risked fucking up the best thing in her life. The walls of the bathroom seemed to draw ever closer until Jane felt that she would be crushed if she didn't do something.
Jane pulled on her running gear and left the apartment. A run would clear her mind and give her a chance to think, and at the very least, it would give her an excuse for not being in the apartment if Maura awoke before she could figure it all out. Her panic in hot pursuit, Jane sprinted out of the apartment wondering if her friendship could ever be the same again.