Authors note: I don't own any of the characters, they all belong to HIT Entertainment. And please excuse my poor english, I'm norwegian and didn't pay too much attention in my english class...

Sodor Mix and Match Dating Event

Chapter 3: Bert and James

Cranky looked at the crowd, they all held their breath waiting for the second pair. Arry and Lady had just left for their date, they all grinned when they saw how afraid Lady had been of her date. That was sure to fail, no doubt about that. It would be fun to meet them again at the end of the night.

"Ok… the second pair is…"

Cranky looked down at the list, smirking as he saw the names.

"Bert and James! Congratulations! And kudos to Bert for coming out of the closet!" he declared.

"Wait?! WHAT?!" Bert looked around, totally clueless. He was hoping he had heard wrong.

Everyone giggled.

"Hello?! James is a dude!" Bert protested.

"And a really good looking one if I say so myself!" James rolled forward, coupling up to Bert, who jerked the chain to get free.

"And a butt ugly one too!" Bert shouted. "Let me go, you freak!"

James held him back, looking at him with a smile. "No way, tonight you're mine!"

Bert kept struggling, but James couplings were brand new and strong, it was impossible to tear them apart.

"Help! Hello?! This is a misunderstanding! I'm not gay!" Bert yelled as James started pulling him out of the dock area.

"You'll be at the end of this night." James smirked. "I'm irresistible!"

"Who the hell marked me off as gay on that list?!" Bert slammed his brakes on, his wheels screeching as he was dragged along by James. "I didn't even write my name on it! I demand to know! I'll put you all on the scraplist, damn steamies!"

They all laughed as they heard Bert's swearing and loud protests all the way out of the docks. This was even more amusing than Lady and Arry!

Cranky chuckled. "Oh well, they're in for a good time it seems…"

James pulled Bert along to the beach, wanting to enjoy the dawn with his date. If only he would stop struggling against him, he thought and tightened the coupling. He couldn't leave any slack on the chain, or Bert was sure to flee. The hazard-striped diesel had stopped cursing at least, but he still had his brakes on, jerking the chain violently. James huffed, it was sure a challenge! The diesel had a lot of strength in him, if it had been at the beginning of the day and the ironworker hadn't been tired after a long day at work, he wouldn't had a chance against him. James' cheeks were red from exhaustion when they finally arrived at a siding near the beach. He turned, pushing the diesel in to stand between him and the safety buffer. That way he couldn't escape.

Bert looked terrified, disgusted and beaten as he realized there was no way out. He let out a puff of black exhaust, sighing in defeat.

James grinned. "Isn't this romantic?"

"I'm overexcited…" Bert muttered sarcastic, pouting.

"You, me and the dawn… perfect setting isn't it?" James moved closer, pointing his lips for a kiss.

"Great… HEY! Don't you dare…!" Bert backed, his rear end hit the safety buffer, almost knocking it over.

"Oh, come on… you'll like it! I promise!" James kept coming towards him.

Bert leaped forward, biffing him hard, trying to push him away, but James were prepared and stood solid as a rock.

"Shhh, hot-head! Stop fighting against love!" James whispered to him, looking at him with eyes that had glossed over by lust.

"Help! Anybody?! HELP ME!" Bert screamed, backing with his eyes fixed at the pointed lips of the steamie, trying to avoid them as best as he could. The safety buffer tipped over, and he sank down in the sand as he went off the rails. "Oh crap…"

James chuckled seductively. "I've got you now, sexy!"

Bert swallowed hard. He was trapped! "James… please! I beg you!"

"Oh, now you're begging me to make out with you! That's adorable!" James came closer.

"That's NOT what I meant!" Bert's voice burst in a pathetic whimper. "HELP!"

"I better help you then…" James said, coupling up to him again, making Bert hope for a brief second that he was going to pull him back up on the tracks. His hope was soon crushed. "But first… I want a kiss. And I can wait all night! You won't get back on the tracks before you've kissed me."

"This is sexual harassment!" Bert growled. "Leave me here to rust then! There is no chance in hell I am kissing you!"

"As you wish…" James uncoupled, backing a little. "I'll just leave you here in the sand to rust then…"

Bert snorted and looked in another direction, not amused.

James waited.

And waited.

And waited.

But the diesel didn't soften up or beg him to pull him up. James wheezed steam impatiently.

"So… you plan on staying there long, or what?"

"The rest of my life if I have to." Bert snarled.

James hissed. "Awww, allright! You know I can't leave another engine to rot like that… even though you're already rotten to the core, or so it seems…"

He coupled up to the hazard-striped diesel, pulling him back up on the tracks.

"Thanks, both for hauling me up and for the insult…" Bert growled, shaking himself like a dog to get rid of the sand.

James looked a bit regretful. "I didn't mean to insult you… just and old habit when I talk to diesels."

"Do I look like I care?"

"No, you don't seem to care about anything, to be honest. I find you rather cold and harsh." James muttered, honest. "And rude, oily, weathered, unattractive, mean and ill-behaved."

"And still you dragged me all the way out here for a kiss…" Bert said with sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"I like you." James whispered and blushed.

"Say what?!"

"I like you!" James met his stare.

"Well, that's a shame, because the feeling is not mutual!" Bert sneered, biffing into James to push him back to the main track. He wanted to get away from this siding where he was trapped with a lovesick, red steam engine.

James barely moved, still looking at him. "I've felt drawn to you ever since you and your brother played that middle-engine trick on me… Oh, that five o' clock stubble of yours is making my boiler overheat. You should have known how much I thought of you after that prank, dreamt about you, fantasized about you, masturb…"

"No thanks! I don't want to hear about that! Keep your perverse mind to yourself!" Bert cut him off, biffing him again. If James moved a little bit each time, he would eventually get there… he backed to give him another biff.

Then James moved forward, placing his lips over Bert's, giving him a wet and craving kiss. Bert's eyes widened in terror, he backed, derailing once again, spitting and coughing.

"What the hell?!" He spat, feeling sick. He had never been kissed by a male before, and it almost made him vomit.

"Did you like it? Am I a good kisser?" James said, standing with his face only a few millimeters away from Bert's. His eyes had glossed over by lust.

"Hell, no! It felt like being kissed by a wet mop! Go away!" Bert growled, wanting to push him away, but he was stuck in the sand.

His hope for rescue peaked as he heard two engines chugging towards them. It was Edward and his date! He tried to signal to Edward that he needed help, but James blocked the view.

"Hello, James! Hello Bert!" Edwards greeted. "Everything going well?"

"Yes, of course! We're having a great time!" James said with glee.

"HEEEELP!" Bert's scream was immediately cut off as James placed his lips over his mouth in another kiss.

Edward chuckled. "Alright then… see you at the docks after the dates are over. We'll leave you two lovebirds alone!"

As soon as Edward and his date were out of sight, James broke the kiss, blinking at the stressed and freaked out diesel.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" Bert shouted as he coughed and spat and tried to get rid of the taste of James' lips.

"Oh, come on… admit you're just as aroused as I am!" James licked his lips seductively, blowing some steam.

Bert whimpered in frustration. "What have I done to deserve this?!"

"Someone must have told Santa that you've been really nice this year… because a date with me is the best gift ever!" James gave him a kiss on the cheek.

If Bert had hands, he would have wiped his cheek, but couldn't, so he just groaned annoyed and stared into the horizon.

"How long is it until we can go back to the docks?" he asked, hoping they had to go now.

"Long enough to visit my shed… or yours." James breathed heavy against his mouth, smooching him more.

"Stop that! It's disgusting!" the diesel shouted, his voice echoing over the area.

"For me, or you?" James licked Bert's nose tip.

"You're making me sick!" the ironworker said, squeezing his eyes shut so he didn't have to see James' face this close to his.

He felt another wave of terror as James coupled up to him again, hauling him back on the tracks.

"I'll be good to you…" James whispered sensually, dragging him with him. "It won't hurt, I promise!"

The hazard-striped shunter slammed his brakes on, sparks flew from him wheels as he was slowly dragged along. He was sure as hell not going to make it easy for James to take him with him!

At Tidmouth sheds, James turned them both on the turntable, pushing Bert gently into the shed with his eyes resting on him. The red engine's eyes were dark from desire, it scared the diesel out of his mind.

"No! Don't close that door!" he begged. "I don't want to be alone in here with you!"

"Don't worry… it will feel good… I promise!" James mumbled, kissing Bert again. This time, the diesel didn't fight against it. He was frozen in terror, knowing there was no escape.

"What are you doing?!" he gasped as he felt James' tongue at places he didn't feel comfortable with. "Stop it!"

"You'll like it…" James kept going.

"No! This is rape! HEEEEELP!" Bert tried to back, but was stopped by the wall. "I beg you, let me go!"

The doors to the shed flew open. James quickly moved away from Bert. Bert on the other hand had never been happier to see the Fat Controller.

"What is going on here?" Sir Topham Hatt boomed, looking from James to Bert and back again.

"I umm… we… were just enjoying our date, Sir." James stuttered, looking guilty as hell.

"No, we didn't!" Bert protested. "He almost raped me!"

Sir Topham Hatt frowned. "And how is that… possible? You're engines!"

None of them answered, just looking down.

"James. Let him go." The Fat Controller demanded.

"But, Sir. He's mine!" The red engine protested.

"You don't own any engines on this railway. I do! Now let him go!"

James was sulking as he backed out and turned on the turntable, moving out of the way so Bert could escape. The hazard-striped diesel smirked triumphant as he drove past the red engine.

"Get back to the docks, and don't ever let me catch any of you in such a situation again or I'll have you all castrated! It's gross!" the Fat Controller boomed.

James pouted as he drove on the track, side by side with Bert. He looked at the diesel in dismay.

"You ruined everything!" he complained.

"Ha! Fat Hatt saved my life!" Bert replied.

"I don't like you anymore!" James sniffled. "You're mean!"

"Now THAT feeling is mutual." Bert chortled, speeding up.

"Why did you sign up as gay?"

"I DIDN'T! I didn't even sign up for the event." The ironworker snorted. "Whoever did it is in for a nasty revenge…"

"You're so brutal!" James complained, looking sideways at the diesel. "You hurt my feelings!"

"You're welcome." The hazard-striped diesel rattled into the docks, happy that it was all over.

Cranky grinned as he saw them, he doubted this date had been a blast… but he tried to stay open-minded. Arry and Lady had surprised him, so… maybe?

"Well, well… did you two have a lovely date?" he snickered, knowing the answer just by looking at their expressions.

"Don't ask…" Bert rattled over to his brother, who were standing together with Lady, but he felt left out as the two only had eyes for each other.

James looked down, a tear escaped his eye, rolling down his cheek. He looked devastated.

Cranky raised an eyebrow. "So… no second date for you two?"

"I'd rather choke on my own oil and die!" Bert yelled, making Arry and Lady jump, startled by the sudden outburst.

James sniffled. "Just sign me up for another match, Cranky. This one was a complete moron… no sense for elegance or beauty at all!"

Cranky chuckled. "I see he didn't fall for your irresistible charm and wonderful flirting techniques…"

James looked insulted. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing… let's just say we heard Bert's screams all the way here…" Cranky said, signaling to the crew that James needed someone else to date.

Arry turned to Bert, his face was contorted by suppressed laugh. "So he really DID try to rape you?"

"Don't go there…." Bert threatened.

"Come one, give us some details, bro!"

"Don't want to talk about it!"

Lady jerked Arry's front coupling, smiling firm. "Don't push him. He's your brother, you should be nice to him."

Bert rolled his eyes and groaned as the two engines started shamelessly flirting again. His twin was totally pussy-whipped!

Cranky looked down at him. "How about you Bert? Do you want another match?"

"Only if it's a female this time!"

Cranky blinked. "Of course. The last match must have been a mix-up or something. I promise it won't happen again."

"I tried to tell you it was a mistake, but you didn't listen! And then that abusive, red steamie dragged me along to his shed to… his tongue was everywhere! EWW!"

Bert trundled off, out of the docks, away from everything. Leaving his twin-brother and his disgustingly cute date behind along with a devastated James.

James sighed and parked in the back, not wanting to talk to anyone. He had been humiliated. By a diesel!

"He don't only crush and tear apart engines for scrap… he crushes hearts too!" he sulked. "How could he?!"

"Oh, don't be such a drama-queen, James. You'll have better luck next time!" Lady tried to comfort him.

"Easy for you to say! You obviously have lowered your standards…" James said arrogant and looked at Arry in dismay. Completely ignoring the fact that he had tried to hit on Arry's twin brother.

"I beg you pardon?!" Arry growled, almost derailing in an attempt to get James who stood on a parallel track.

"Oh, Arry! You didn't swear!" Lady beamed, proud that he was seemingly moderating himself.

James rolled his eyes. "I rest my case…"

"Shh, down there!" Cranky said. "Here comes the next couple, let's hear them out!"

To be continued…

Sorry for being so mean to James… but damn this was fun to write! I've always wanted to write about a extreme homophobe being sexually harassed by a gay person, so I was thrilled to draw these two names from the hat! It just had to be like this! XD