Katie was surprised to find that Effy Stonem was constantly on her mind. She didn't know why, and she constantly wished that she wasn't, but she couldn't help remembering how broken the girl had seemed both times that she'd seen her recently. It made her feel almost a little better, knowing that someone like Effy was really doing worse than her. At the same time, and for more inexplicable reasons, it made her upset. She knew she shouldn't care about how fucked up Effy's life seemed. She knew that Effy was partially to blame for how fucked up her life was. The fact that Effy was trying to change...The fact that Effy had been honest with her...Well both, made Katie feel a bit...Well, she wasn't sure. She felt almost honoured that Effy was being so honest with her. It was funny really, considering how much she would have killed for the type of conversation they had the other night less than a year ago. Katie sighed heavily as she walked down the semi-deserted street. She was going on walks a lot recently, just to get out of her house. She'd tell her mum she was going out with friends. She'd tell her dad she was working out, because really that made him more pleased than the thought that she was being social. She'd tell Emily...Well, sometimes she'd tell her the truth. Especially when Naomi was around, because then Naomi would tend to tug on Emily's arm or hold her comfortingly, indicating that she should leave Katie alone and let her be. Katie was definitely starting to think that Naomi wasn't all that bad really. Katie had decided that Naomi was certainly not the worst thing that had ever happened to her sister, which was what she'd initially thought. When she didn't tell her the truth, she tended to not tell her anything at all, snapping at Emily for being too nosey and leaving in a huff as Emily sulked. This had been one of those times, and it always caused her walks to be longer, because it took her a good half hour to cool down her temper enough to appreciate being out of the house.
She was thinking so much about Effy that she almost wasn't surprised when she looked up and realised that she was on Effy's street. She froze as she saw the outline of the familiar red door. She took a deep breath and shook her head. She was being stupid. She could keep walking. It wasn't like Effy's house was going to jump out and attack her or something. She took a few steps forward and froze again as she saw the door swing open and Effy take a step outside, lighting up a cigarette as she did so. Katie watched as Effy collapsed against the wall, looking ridiculously weary. Katie started to turn away. She wasn't sure she really wanted to face Effy, even if they had had two civil conversations recently. Still, turning away would be somehow admitting that Effy still had some control over her. She took a deep breath and continued walking down the street. She was planning on just walking past Effy, pretending that she wasn't there, but as she approached she couldn't bring herself to ignore the girl completely.
"Alright?" she asked when she was close.
Effy looked up, surprise evident on her face when she recognized Katie. "What are...I mean...Yeah. Well, no. Not really."
"Oh. Sorry," Katie muttered. She stood there awkwardly for a minute, unsure of what to say, and she was about to walk on, when Effy stopped her.
"I don't mean to be rude, Katie, but why are you here?" Effy inquired.
"I was just out for a walk. Don't read too much into it, yeah?" Katie scowled.
"Oh," Effy nodded. She knew that Katie hadn't been there to see her. No one came to see her these days. Not even her dad for the past several weeks. "Fag?" Effy offered, holding out the pack.
Katie nodded and took one. She leaned against the wall next to Effy, still feeling extremely awkward. "Thanks," she murmured. They stood there and smoked for a few minutes, Katie feeling glad for the cigarette because it gave her something to do. Effy finished hers and just stood there still, leaning next to Katie. Katie noticed a slight shiver in Effy's thin frame. "Aren't you cold? Why don't you go back inside?"
Effy shook her head so vigorously that Katie was surprised her neck didn't snap.
"Ok. Ok," Katie held up her hands, placating the brunette. "Why not though? Just go grab a jacket or something."
"It's ok. I'm not that cold. I don't want to go in there," Effy said.
"Why not?" Katie asked.
"My mum's in there. She's practically catatonic, but still managing to look at me in a way that makes me wish that I could fall off the face of the planet. Do you ever just wish that you could escape? Disappear for a bit?"
"Yes," Katie replied softly. "But didn't you just do that? I mean you disappeared after you hit...After Gobbler's End." She touched her scar unconsciously.
"Sorry," Effy said, almost instinctively, flinching as if she'd been struck.
"No. I didn't...Fuck! I didn't mean to make you feel bad about it!" Katie was surprised to realise that what she said was true. "I just meant didn't you just have an escape?"
Effy shook her head. "I ran away, but I couldn't escape. Besides, Cook was with me. He was just a constant reminder of everything I didn't want to think about by the end. Not like either of us were ever sober enough to really think anyway. And then Freddie...And I mean...Fuck! I'm sorry." Katie's unintentional recoiling hadn't escaped her notice.
Katie sighed. She watched as Effy started to shiver harder, her whole body shuddering a bit. "For fuck's sake! You're freezing!" She took off her own jacket and put it around Effy's frail form. She shivered a little herself as she rubbed Effy's arms a bit, trying to warm the girl up. It was the first time she'd touched Effy since Gobbler's End and it made her quite uncomfortable. Last time she'd touched Effy, after all, her hands had been around the brunette's neck.
"You don't have to," Effy muttered, her body stiff. She felt awkward standing there, feeling the hands of the girl she'd almost killed try to keep her warm.
"Shut up! I'm not going to be responsible for you freezing to death!" Katie ignored her.
Effy felt her legs begin to shake and she slid down the wall away from Katie's touch. "Do you ever...Do you think...I'm broken Katie."
Katie's shudder had nothing to do with the breeze that had picked up and everything to do with the lone tear that trickled down Effy's cheek. She could feel the weight of Effy's words, feel the pain behind them. She sunk down next to the brunette. "You're..." Katie couldn't bring herself to say that Effy wasn't when it was so blatantly a lie.
"I'm broken," Effy repeated. "And what's stupid...Why I did what I did with Freddie...Why I hurt you...I thought...I knew that he loved me. I thought I loved him simply because of how he felt about me. I thought he loved me enough that it could fix me. I wanted to be fixed. I still want to be fixed, Katie. I never meant for you to get hurt in the process. I just wanted to feel loved for once, to feel normal, to be ok. I'm so sorry, Katie." The tears were streaming freely down her face now and she hated them. Katie didn't deserve to be burdened with this shit.
"Look, I think mistakes were made on both parts, Effy. You can...Just stop fucking apologising, ok?"
"I don't think I can," Effy stared sullenly at the ground, unable to look at the redhead beside her.
Katie huddled closer to Effy as the wind sent a chill down her spine. She hesitated for a second before wiping the tears from Effy's face, then she shuddered in the cold again.
"Take your jacket back, Katie. You're cold," Effy shrugged it off her shoulders as she spoke. She didn't know how to react to the sudden act of kindness from someone she was sure she'd never really get a chance to have a civil conversation with again before a week and a half ago.
"I'll take it back if you fucking go back inside so I know you're not going to just freeze, ok?" Katie replied, trying to keep her teeth from chattering.
"I'll be fine, Katie," Effy sighed heavily, wiping away a few more tears that burned down her cheek.
"Great. So prove it and go inside!" Katie demanded, standing up and reaching out her hand to Effy to help her up.
Effy looked at Katie's hand warily. Katie couldn't help thinking that Effy was examining it as if trying to decide if it was going to bite or not. She tentatively reached out and took it. Katie gasped at how cold Effy's fingers were. It was like gripping icicles. Katie pulled Effy to standing and dropped her hand. When Effy didn't move, Katie glanced pointedly at the house. "Go on," Katie urged.
Effy regarded her house sadly. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and when her eyes opened again, Katie caught a glimpse of a harder, more determined Effy. The facade faded quickly, after only one step towards the front door. "I don't know how I can change when I keep having to come back here," she muttered so softly that Katie almost missed it. Katie got the impression that Effy had been talking more to herself than to anyone else anyway.
Katie opened the door and tugged Effy towards it, before taking her jacket back from the brunette. When Effy seemed unwilling to cross the threshold, Katie stepped inside the Stonem household, dragging Effy behind her. The air in the house was stale and reeked of cigarette smoke and old food. The lights were off everywhere, but even in the gloom it was clear that nobody had bothered cleaning in quite a while. Fuck, no one had bothered even trying to tidy a little.
Katie realised she'd never been to Effy's room so didn't know where to lead her. Effy took a step towards the stairs, however, so Katie walked up them next to her, almost supporting her.
Effy opened the door to her bedroom and slunk inside, heading straight to the bed and collapsing on it. Katie couldn't help thinking that it was the only part of the room that looked lived in. At least Effy's room was tidy, she noted as she surveyed it. Too tidy really. Almost sterile. Katie felt a sudden surge of panic as she realised that she was alone with Effy in Effy's bedroom and nobody else knew where she was. She stayed by the door, clutching it, as if it would both keep her standing upright and protect her, should she need protecting. She turned her gaze back to Effy and realised, that at least at the moment, she had nothing to fear from Effy Stonem. She couldn't fight back the urge to get out of the house though. "I should...You'll get warm now, yeah?"
Effy nodded half-heartedly, staring straight at the ceiling.
"If you go out again take a bloody jacket, ok?" Katie instructed her.
Effy turned to her then, mildly surprised. Nobody had said anything even remotely mothering to her in months. "Ok," she found herself agreeing before she could stop herself.
"Good. Well, I should go then. I've got a walk to get back to and everything," Katie muttered, feeling almost cowardly for leaving when she was really in no danger.
"Thanks, Katie. I...I don't deserve it," Effy murmured, voice barely above a whisper.
"Deserve what?" Katie asked, inching further out of the doorway.
"You being nice," Effy replied, voice strained, before rolling away from Katie and closing her eyes.
Katie didn't have a response. She stood there awkwardly for a second before looking at the door. "Want me to close the door?" she finally inquired.
A small movement of Effy's head was all that indicated that she should. "Ok. Bye, then," Katie said, before closing the door and practically sprinting down the stairs and out of the house. Once she was outside she took a deep breath, savouring the fresh air. She felt like she was able to breathe easier out here. Effy's home life was clearly a whole league worse than her own. The house was like a den of depression. It was suffocating. After a few more deep breaths she walked briskly away, needing to put some distance between herself and the ever more confusing situation between her and Effy.