Alex's first memory
„„Al, baby, come down here. We wanna go."
My mum yelled up the stairs to where my room was. I had just been finishing my birthday present for Nicky, it was a drawing of Stevie, our little and pretty ugly tomcat that me and Nicky had gotten from Mum.
„Al come on or I'm gonna get you."
Even back then I had always wanted my mum to be as happy as possible and when she yelled up, sounding stressed as fuck but still trying to be all joking and stuff I tried to hurry downstairs to make us not get late.
Well I'm sure I didn't exactly think like that back then but something like that must have crossed my mind, because I remember nearly falling down the stairs because I was too small to reach the railing properly. But falling would have been okay, as long as my mum wouldn't sound so stressed.
I guess I didn't quite realize that falling down those stupid stairs would have made everything worse for her.
„Hey little." She kneeled down in front of me even though we were late already and she stroked my hair. „I'm sorry that there is so little time for you right now. It'll be better once Nicky is back home, I promise."
„I'm not little." I pouted, being the small child was kind of annoying because that meant Nicky was always right about everything because she was the older one and knew so much more, at least that was what both of us thought.
„Mummy, come on Nicky's gonna be mad if we're late."
Back then I didn't understand why my mother was smiling so sadly at me, today I know or at least I guess that it was more than nostalgia because her little girl was getting way too responsible for her age, it was also sorry because I was so used to stand in the back that I didn't even notice it anymore.
I loved it when she grabbed me under my armpits and lifted me onto the kitchen isle to tie my shoelaces, I remember exactly how it felt: protected, safe, familiar and as if I was the princess of the world, even though I never understood the concept of being a princess.
Sitting around, waiting for your prince who is allowed to do all the cool stuff like riding and fighting while you have to only be pretty, I think even at the age of four I was too gay for that.
But I liked being my mum's princess.
One of the cool things about Nicky being at the hospital was that I was allowed to sit on the front seat in the car. In my child car seat I was tall enough to look over the hood onto the road and the white stripes on the street that flew past us like space objects.
I knew the inside of that hospital like the back of my hand and as soon as we arrived there I started running through the white halls and up the stairs.
„Alex, no running!" Mum yelled after me but I didn't listen and immediately bumped into a white gown.
„Oh, hey Alexandra." Ugh I hated that name back then as much as I hate it today, it sounds so girly.
„Hello Doctor Warren." I whispered, sighing frustatedly. Now I had to wait for my mother to catch up and talk to that Doctor before I could finally see my cartoon. That was the main reason I was in a hurry, because Nicky had a TV in her hospital room and our favourite cartoon, that we were never able to see at home because we had no TV, was about to start any second.
„Miss Vause."
I had never understood how adults survived, I thought it must be so boring to talk all the time and never be able to play with cool toys and watch awesome cartoons. I remember always pitying the adults on christmas when all they got was boring stuff like socks or even worse: kitchenware, no toys, no things you could show your friends. So when my mum and that Doctor were starting to talk, I instantly got bored and impatient.
After something about what felt like at least two years later I was too annoyed with waiting for mum to finish talking that I decided to just go in and join Nicky.
I was able to reach the doorhandle all by myself already and I was already a tiny little bit taller than Nicky, who was lying in bed all pale and tired, but that was just how she always looked. Kicking my shoes off my feet I climbed onto her bed, snuggling up to her. The cartoon had already started and I was pissed at my mum for taking so long.
„Where's mum?" Nicky asked, not even bothering to say hello, just like me.
I wanted her to be quiet so I was able to listen to the TV, but it was her birthday and she was sick so I was suppossed to be nice to her.
„Talking with the Doctor. Oh happy birthday by the way." I fumbled out the drawing I had made for her out of my pocket and handed it over to her and I also gave her a kiss on her cheek.
We didn't bother to do any more birthday cliches, birthday was not very special when you were lying in a hospital bed or at home in your own bed, too weak to get up and go out. All in all I remember only one birthday that we actually celebrated before she got 10. It was her ninth birthday and she was already on the waiting list for a heart transplant, she was feeling worse than on any other birthday before but mum took us to the zoo that day, Nicky sitting in a wheelchair. Back then that hadn't made any sense to me but now I get that she was afraid this was gonna be her last birthday.
We also never celebrated my birthdays, I never wanted to because I knew it would make Nicky feel bad.
„Oh come on girls. Not this turtle nonsense again." Mum sighed, when she came in.
I think that we both loved the teenage mutant ninja turtles was a pretty strong sign that we were gay right from the start. It was one of the rare things Nicky and I had in common, the being gay thing and the ninja turtles.
But I always liked Leonardo best, he was the oldest and strongest, he always knew what he did, while Nicky was totally rooting for Raphael, he was a doer, a man of action, he was the cool one.
„Happy birthday, my love." Mum kissed Nicky on the head and I remember thinking that it was kind of unfair that she was Mum's love and I was her little. But I was healthy and she was sick so what did I know about fairness.
„Mum, shhh."
When the cartoon was over, Mum went to the nurses to talk about something else, boring adult stuff probably. She left us alone and Nicky sighed deeply beside me.
„You okay?" I asked, being the innocent, yet taught to be responsible and caring child.
Nicky was already six and I thought she was the smartest person I knew, so when she said
„I think I'm gonna die." I believed her.
A four year old shouldn't know what dying was, but in those years that we had been in and out of hospital we had seen many children dying, they were gone and their parents were crying a lot. That was what death meant to me, crying and being gone. Pretty accurate.
„Remember Ty?"
I shrugged my shoulder, I didn't remember him. I don't remember him today.
„He died last month."
I tried hard to remember but I just couldn't recall a boy called Ty.
„He had the same disease I have and he died in surgery." Nicky was scaring me, I didn't want my mum to cry and I didn't want Nicky to be gone. She had waited to tell me this until she knew mum was gone long enough to not overhear us talking.
„So when I'm dead you can have my Ninja poster, okay?"
She had a poster of all the Ninja turtles haning over her bed at home and I envied her for that, I think she had gotten it from a nurse or a mother of some other sick child and I had been jealous that I wasn't the one being sick, so when Nicky offered me her poster in case of her death I started thinking.
Should I hope now that Nicky survived or should I hope that I get that poster. I pondered but I didn't come to a solution right away, only when I saw the tears in my older sister's eyes I realized she would miss that poster if she were dead.
„No Nicky, that is your's, but can I have the chocolate bar you hide in your nightstand, if you die?"
Nicky nodded and hugged me tight, I could feel her tears dropping onto my wrist as she cried silent tears.
„Hey and if you survive, maybe we could share it."
That was me, always trying to negotiate but it actually made Nicky smile a little bit.
If only I could forget the bizarre mask of a smile written in a scared, fearful children's face.
We stayed in that hug and I remember that I thought I didn't want that stupid chocolate, I wanted Nicky to stay with me, she was my big sister.
„Does it hurt when they cut you open?" I didn't remember the last time Nicky was getting surgery, the last huge one was when she was my age, mum had told me but she had also had a smaller one in between those two.
„No" Nicky said, I was now holding her instead of the other way round. „Not during the surgery. But it hurts afterwards."
Again my sister knew so much more han me, the thought of someone cutting her into two halfs (that was how I was imagining it) was terrifying me and that Nicky had survived that twice already was making me respect her even more. She was my hero, a small, weak, skinny version of a hero.
A surgery was an awful birthday present and when they brought her into the OR I saw my mother crying. Surprisingly I hadn't seen her crying as often as you'd think, she always tried to hide that in front of me, but even today I remember the sounds of her tears coming out of her bedroom at night when she thought I was asleep.
The surgery didn't go as well as hoped. The patches weren't working on the cicatrised tissue and she had lost lot's of blood. She had spent a whole year at hospital afterwards.
After that year we had to sell our house because we couldn't afford it any longer."
„That is your first memory?" Piper's eyes were wide open and in shock as they were lying with their backs on the grass, staring into the blue sky.
Alex felt like what she had told wasn't her story, she had never told anyone about that memory and doing it now was like talking about a book or television show, it was so far away, so many things had changed since then.
„That's tough. For all three of you. I don't believe I'm saying this but I'm glad that she survived all of this. For your sake and for Diane's, well and also for her's I guess."
A smile creeped over Alex's face, she knew how much Piper had suffered because of Nicky but hearing her say that she was glad that her sister was alive was like christmas and easter and birthday together. With cool toy presents, not this boring adult stuff.
Alex rolled around, grinning at her beautiful girlfriend. This was the best birthday she had ever had, breakfast with her family and her girlfriend without Nicky and Piper scratching out each other's eyes and then just lie here, with the girl of her dreams, talking and staring into the sun.
„I love you, you know that?"
„I know." Piper grinned back at her, she knew exactly how to get to her by now.
„Hey, I don't say that to everyone you have to say it back!" Alex scolded her girlfriend, she had been so scared to say those words for such a long time and now she could have written them into the sky.
„I love you too." Piper smiled and their lips met.
„Teenage mutant ninja turtles, for real?" Piper teased, when Alex lay back on the gorund again, using Piper's stomach as a pillow, an uncomfortable bony pillow. „That is so gay!"
This chapter is set months after the last chapter of Tastes like gall and there will probably be chapter(s) set between those two.
So I know this is kind of a spoiler but I thought after the cliffhanger of Tastes like gall, you deserve to know, Vauseman ... still endgame.
XXX