Revelations and Resolutions
And now she was planning to leave and he would probably never see her again.......
Here she was insisting on walking out on him for good. He could not accept her decision so easily.
"Djaq, I've done everything that you've asked of me since that night, even when it nearly killed me, and now you want to go? Stay here and let's work this out. Nobody has to leave. We can both stay here. Nothing has to change. Don't you see that? Nothing has to change!" He was nearly shouting at her now, he was so afraid of losing her. Why was she so stubborn? Why did she have to have everything her way?
That was the final straw for her. She finally broke down and cried uncontrollably upon hearing him declare that nothing would change. Everything must now change and she had to face the fact that she was powerless to do anything about it. She had yet to come up with a reasonable plan for where to go, and she knew now that she had been a fool to think that she could run away from this.
She had always been strong and rational before all of this, but she could no longer hold her emotions inside. Recent events were making her more sensitive and emotional than she had ever been. She couldn't stop herself from crying. And she hated it. It made her feel weak and foolish. She especially hated for anyone to see her this way.
Will instinctively reached out and held her trembling body tightly against him. To his great surprise, she did not try to push him away. "No no. Shh. Don't cry. Oh, please don't cry." He whispered lovingly into her hair, stroking her back with one hand and holding her tightly with the other. "Shh. Everything will be alright. You'll see. I'm so sorry I yelled at you. I didn't mean it. Please don't cry. Shh. Shh. I'm sorry." What an idiot he was! No wonder she wanted to leave him! Why had he lost his temper with her and made her cry? "Everything can be the way it was before. You don't have to go. We can try harder. You'll see." But this only made her cry more.
As her tears fell, the last of her resolve crumbled. "I...am going...to have...a baby." She poured out between sobs against his chest, feeling defeated. "Nothing...will...be right...again." Followed by more of the cursed sobbing.
Without even realizing it, he let go of her and backed away to process what he had just heard. A baby? How? Well he knew how, but...he had never even considered this. Why was he so stupid? He had never even thought that they might have made a baby together. Poor Djaq. She had been left to deal with the consequences of their night together all on her own.
He didn't know what to say to her. What could he say that she would possibly want to hear? He loved her and he had done nothing but mess up her life. He had thought that her returning to the Holy Land was the worst thing that could happen to him, but the thought of her leaving here and taking their child was more than he thought he could live through.
She was not terribly surprised when he let go of her after she blurted out her condition. But, she admitted to herself, she was disappointed. She hadn't even realized it, but a tiny part of her had wanted him to hold her and tell her it would all be okay. Maybe more than a tiny part. She almost wanted to let someone else share her pain and worry for once.
But after a moment he was back kneeling in front of her with his hands resting on her shoulders. "I'm sorry, Djaq. I'm sorry that this happened and I'm sorry that you've been alone. You don't have to be alone. You're not alone. I'm here and I want to help. Are you alright? Does it...hurt? Are you sick?" He paused. "Wait a minute. This is why you've been sick? And this is why you want to leave? Not just to run away, but to leave before anyone figures it out?" Suddenly things seemed a bit clearer to him. He mentally kicked himself again for being so stupid.
"I am not in any pain. I do feel sick sometimes but it is not bad. But don't you see why I must go now?" She asked desperately through her stifled sobs. "Soon everyone will know. And there is no place for me here anymore. Even if they did not judge me for my dishonor, they would not let me participate in our activities. Even though I am still capable of fighting and making deliveries and all of that, and will be for a while, everyone will try to keep me at the camp. They will have me cooking and doing laundry for everyone. I would go mad. I need to be useful and active. Plus, there is no place for a child here. I will be in the way with a baby and everyone will resent the changes they must make. You will resent things as well." Surely he understood now why she could not stay long enough for everyone to find out about her disgrace and throw her out.
"No! You can't leave." He practically shouted through his desperation. "Especially not now. I could never resent you. Stay here. I'll make everything right. I promise. I'll work everything out with Robin and the rest of the gang. No one wants you to leave. And there is no dishonor. Don't you see that? No one will judge you. You know that. Everyone here loves you. We'll get married but nothing else has to change if you don't want it to." He wasn't even certain if he was making any sense. He was desperately saying whatever he could think of to get her to change her mind. Anything to make her stay. He had to try.
"We can still live together the same as we always have, only you won't have to be alone. You shouldn't go off by yourself while you're carrying a child. It's not safe. Even for you. I know how strong you are but right now is not the time to run off on your own. We'll get married and then no one will judge you and the child can have my name. I won't ask anything of you. I promise. I know that I am young and I have nothing to offer you now, but give me the chance to prove that I can take care of you and our child. Please, Djaq! Don't leave me and take my child away. Please." And he held her even more tightly. He couldn't let her go, he just couldn't. She had to agree to stay. Even if she wouldn't marry him, she had to stay.
"I do not wish to be taken care of. That is the point. I am used to relying on myself and I do not want that to change now." She was actually sorely tempted to agree. For one thing, she had yet to think of a place she could go.
She could surely not return to Jerusalem in this condition. And anywhere else would be a danger to her and her child. Plus, she loved her life here. At least she had until all of this confusion between her and Will. She had never been so accepted in her life as she's been since joining Robin's gang. It was so freeing to not have to hide behind her dead brother's identity...to be a woman...but to still be accepted and respected for her abilities. To do the things that were important to her like healing and fighting for peace. And she cared for all of them very much. But if she could trust Will and he could keep his promise about everything going back to the way it was between the two of them, then maybe she should try to stay.
Besides, she did not think that he would let her go now that he knew about his child. He was a man of honor, after all. She would not have loved him so much otherwise. And a child should not face the taint of birth out of wedlock. Most women who found themselves in her situation had little choice in the matter. She knew that she should consider herself lucky that he wanted to make things right.
He was still holding her while awaiting her answer and, despite herself, she found it comforting. She could not bring herself to embrace him in return, but having him there was nice. He was reliable and good. He would try his best to stay out of her way if that was what she wished. She knew that he would keep his word to her. She could really not ask for a better man. But marriage?
Of course, it made sense that he would want to give his child his name. She should say yes. There would never be another offer of marriage for her. Although, honestly, she had always assumed she would not marry. But then, she had also assumed she would not bear children.
"If you can make sure that things will go back to the way they were before, I will stay. But only if everyone agrees. This will mean many changes for them as well. They must understand what they are facing and agree or I can not stay. What will you tell them?" She knew that they needed to know at least the basics, but it was embarrassing to think that they would know her private matters.
"I'll tell them enough to make them understand." He was starting to become hopeful. "You have nothing to worry about. Let me deal with them. I'll tell them now, if you like. That way they will not question you when you return to camp. I'll let them know that they aren't to discuss this with you unless you want to. What about marrying me?" He asked carefully. "Will you agree to that as well? You can trust me Djaq. I would never push you or expect anything from you. I just want to be here for you and the baby."
"If they agree," She began after silently pondering for a moment. "I will stay and marry you. Just so the child will not be tainted any more than he or she will already be, considering our status as outlaws. But I do not want a wedding. Just us and whoever else is required to make it legal. Agreed? Also, we will not share a bed. We will be comrades only. And I must be allowed to go on missions. At least for now. I will say when it is time to slow down. Agreed?" She said in her firmest voice.
She knew that she actually had no way of forcing any of them to meet her demands, but she hoped that the threat of her leaving and taking Will's child would be enough. Although, in truth, she had already realized that she had nowhere to go. She'd just be running and that was no life for a child. But she wanted him to think that she was in control. It helped.
"Alright." He said with a mix of sadness and hope. "Whatever you want. I'll go and speak to Robin now. I'll come back in a few minutes and tell you what happens. Thank you. We can do this, Djaq. We can make this work. I know it." He was so relieved but he could still not let go of her. So he just held her a moment longer and then stood, straightened out the blanket she had wrapped around herself and walked swiftly back to camp with absolutely no idea how to accomplish all of the promises he'd just made to her. But he loved her and he vowed not to let her down again.
The hope mixed with heart-break in his voice and in his eyes was devastating. Djaq hated making him feel so unwanted. He did not deserve it. But she resented the fact that she needed him now. If the world was an unkind place for a woman on her own, it was even more so for a woman on her own with a child. So she had little alternative. But she hated complicating his life. He deserved so much better than a wife who would not even share his bed. The whole situation was horribly unfair...to everyone. But she could still not help hoping that she could somehow get back her life.
After Djaq had left the camp earlier, the gang had spent quite a while arguing over her announcement. Allan and Much had, at first, jointly decided that they would not allow her to leave. They declared that they simply would not accept her decision. But when Robin pointed out that their acceptance would probably have little or no impact on whether she stayed or left, they switched tactics and tried to come up with ways to convince her to stay.
John, as usual, said little. He only spoke up occasionally to tell them when one of their ideas was unlikely to do more than anger Djaq. He would not allow those two knuckleheads to bully her. He wished that he could come up with a sure way of letting her know how much they cared about her and that they needed her here. But he felt that if she hadn't figured that out by now, there wasn't much he could say to her.
Allan and Much tried to outdo each other by coming up with the best ideas for getting Djaq to stay - which ranged from begging her (which Much came up with and thought quite likely to work), to actually injuring one another so that they'd need her medical care (this last idea was courtesy of Allan), and numerous plans in between. Inevitably, someone else always came up with some reason why each idea wouldn't work. And the discussion quickly deteriorated into everyone blaming everyone else for making her unhappy, not appreciating her and driving her away. This made Will speak up for the first time.
"That's it. I'm going to find her." Was all he said as he stood and made his way out of camp.
Once he had gone, Much said, "Maybe he can talk some sense into her. If she'll listen to anyone, it's Will. Right, Robin?" He asked, his voice full of hope for the first time that evening.
"I don't know, Much. Something's changed between those two lately. They're not as close as they used to be. Poor Will. He's gonna be heart-broken when she leaves."
"If she leaves, you mean! She ain't gone yet. We've still got time to come up with a plan. Even if Will can't make her stay, something has to work." Allan offered.
"That's right. Besides, Will is not the only one who'll miss Djaq. We'll all miss her. That's why we can't let her leave. We need her. She's one of us." Much put in.
And so it had continued until Will reentered the camp less than an hour later.
"Did you talk to her?" Allan wanted to know as soon as Will had returned.
"Yeah, is she going to stay? Did you tell her she can't go? She's going to stay, isn't she?" Much chimed, certain that everything had been worked out.
"What happened, Will?" Robin asked, taking in Will's grave expression and putting up a hand to silence the other two.
As Will prepared himself to ask to speak with Robin in private, he realized that it might be better to get it all out at once, with everyone here. Although that would be rather embarrassing and uncomfortable, he had promised Djaq that he would get the consent of every man and he intended to do his best to deliver.
"Well, she said she'd stay--" He began, but was interrupted by Much.
"I knew it! I knew it! I told you he would talk her into it. Didn't I? You said that they weren't close anymore but I knew it."
"Much, shut up! Let Will speak." Robin threw out heatedly, not a little embarrassed at having Much repeat his words in front of Will. "Go ahead, Will."
"Well, she'll stay, but there's a lot I need to tell you. It's kind of complicated and personal, but you need to hear it all before you agree to let her stay."
"What do you mean agree? 'Course she's staying!" Allan said, looking at Will as if he had grown a second head.
"Just hear me out first, Allan...all of you." He took a deep breath. "First of all, you need to know something. Djaq...well...she's having a baby." He paused to let this first part of the news sink in and mentally prepared himself for the rest of what he had to say.
"What? She's what? How? I don't think so." Much spluttered. He couldn't believe this. Will had obviously been drinking. Nothing else could account for such foolish ramblings. Clearly he was so upset over Djaq's plan to leave that he had gone out and gotten himself drunk. Foolish fellow.
"A baby? Nah! Our Djaqy? Can't be! Where'd you get a stupid idea like that, mate?" Allan was certain that Will had been knocking back a few. Djaq didn't even seem to like men much. Not in that way, anyway. He had been flirting with her for ages now and she never gave him so much as a peck on the cheek. Course, that's why he kept on flirting. If she had ever acted the least bit interested, things would have gotten very weird, very fast. Sure, she teased right along with him, but he always knew she wasn't that type of woman. And he had never seen her spending time with anyone in the villages. Nah. Will must've gotten it wrong. Maybe Allan should go and talk to her himself.
"Will, did she tell you that she's...pregnant? Since when? Did she say who the father is?" Robin could not quite wrap his mind around this. Is that why she wanted to leave? Was she planning on running off with some young man? But who? She had never mentioned anyone. Although he knew that she was a very private person in many ways. Still, this seemed very unlike the woman he thought he knew.
"I'll kill him!" John shouted, making Will jump rather badly. Poor fellow. Had the lad been drinking? He sure was nervous. It didn't surprise John. He knew that Will cared for Djaq and must be devastated to find out about this. But John would most assuredly make whoever it was very sorry for taking advantage of her. Although he was surprised that she'd even allowed anyone to get that close without sending them away with a big black eye. She usually took care of herself just fine.
"I am." Will said. But no one seemed to pay him any mind. They all started to talk over one another. So he cleared his throat and said louder, "I am. I'm the father. It's my child."
Silence filled the room as he squirmed and looked down at the floor under the shocked looks they suddenly shot in his direction.
Once he had their undivided attention, he proceeded to tell them the story of the storm and the cave. He told them it had only been one time. He didn't go into any detail, but he told them enough to make them understand that she had regretted things and that he'd tried to do the right thing by her and get married but she wouldn't consider it. He told them that, although he loved her, she was not in love with him and that she felt that everything had been a mistake. He told them about how she'd wanted things to go back to normal and he explained that he'd only just found out about the baby. And that she said she would stay and marry him but that she wanted everything to be as it once was. She did not want to discuss what had happened and she wanted to live her own life as she had always done.
The lads all seemed to understand how difficult and uncomfortable the entire declaration was for him, so, thankfully, they asked only necessary questions and seemed to pass no judgments. Will was relieved when they did not outright blame him for disrespecting Djaq and crossing the boundaries they had all set up for themselves with her. He could tell by their sympathetic nods and glances at him that they knew how much he loved her and understood the hurt and helplessness he was feeling.
Their reaction to the news made Will hopeful that things could be worked out to Djaq's satisfaction. But he knew that there was still a chance that things might not go his way. After all, a pregnant outlaw would be difficult enough to accommodate, but one such as Djaq, who would insist on being treated as one of the men, made it all the more complicated. Add to that the prospect of a child in the forest with them, and you had a real problem.
So he finished his explanations and readied himself for any arguments that might arise.
"So she won't leave and you guys'll get married, then. Right? I mean, like you said, nothing much will be different really. Why wouldn't we agree?" Allan thought that there could be little to discuss. Djaq was staying and she and Will would work everything out. Where was the downside?
"It's not that simple lads." Robin felt compelled to add. He knew that the others were not taking everything Will was proposing into account properly. They were mainly concerned with keeping one of their own. "For many reasons. First of all, I don't even know if you and she could marry, Will. You're of different faiths. Remember? And even if you could, are you sure that this is what you want to do? Is this what she wants? Djaq is a very unique woman. She is not going to make a typical English wife. I know that you want her to stay with us, Will, but are you sure that you're not forcing her into something she does not want?" Robin wanted to be supportive but he wondered if Will had given this enough thought.
Everyone just stared at him.
"I'm sorry." Their leader continued. "I don't mean to make this more difficult for you, my friend, but we have to be fully prepared for what we're getting into here. It's my responsibility as leader to consider everything. And you have to look at this from her side as well. You cannot only think of yourself and what you want." Robin tried to gently remind the young man of the realities of what he was proposing.
"What? Don't be daft. Why wouldn't she want to marry him? They're having a kid!" Allan still could not quite figure out why all of this discussion was really needed. Will loved Djaq and she must at least like him an awful lot considering she, well, you know. And now she was having a kid. It made sense that they'd get married and then she wouldn't leave. Her staying was the bottom line as far as he was concerned. He really did not want her to go. What would life in Sherwood be without Djaq?
"That's right. And she can't go traveling back to the Holy Land in her condition. She must stay here." Much added helpfully. He was startled at how he and Allan seemed to suddenly be in agreement on so many things, and he was really becoming aggravated by all of Robin's nay-saying.
Will swallowed hard. He didn't want them to know how afraid he was of not only losing her and the baby, but also of what could happen to her on her own. He was trying so hard to keep it together. "I don't think she was really going to go to the Holy Land, Much. Remember all the stuff she's told us about how women have to behave over there? And how, if her people knew about her cutting her hair and dressing in trousers and not wearing a veil, they would disown her? You've told us about the way that the Saracens protect and guard their women, Robin. So just imagine if she showed up there with no husband and a half-English baby. I don't think they would take kindly to that and make her feel welcome."
"So what are you saying?" Robin wanted to know.
"I think she was just going to run away without anywhere to go. We can't let her do that. This is her home. Besides, she shouldn't be alone now. She's going to need help whether she admits it or not." Will exhaled deeply and ran his hands through his hair. He took a seat near the fire and continued in a quieter tone. "I can't lose her. Especially not now. Please, Robin. Marry us and then help me make her comfortable here so she won't go. Please. Everyone must agree to her terms or she will not consider it."
"But you have not answered my question. Does she want this?" Robin pressed.
"No! No she doesn't really want any of this. Can you blame her?" He was close to breaking down and his voice shook with desperation. "Do you think she wants a child and a husband? You know how she is and how hard she tries to let us know she never needs anyone. But we want the child to have a name...my name, and she needs to erase what she thinks of as her dishonor." Will was finding it very hard to talk about these private matters in front of the whole gang. He was a private person by nature and he felt embarrassed and exposed. But he would do whatever he could to make her happy and feel that she could stay.
"But more than that," he continued, "she wants to stay here and be a regular part of the gang...go on missions for as long as she can. That's important to her. She needs us to try not to get in her way. She's a physician and she'll know when to slow down and stay back. But she and I won't be..." Here was the humiliating part. He couldn't even guess what their reaction to it would be. "We won't really be...together. I mean we'll be married but only for the sake of propriety. Things will be as they used to be between us. We'll be friends...that's all. It's what she wants." He was relieved to find that no one questioned him, at least. But their averted glances told him more than enough about what they thought of this. They must pity him and think him a fool. He looked at the ground once again.
Then he looked up and addressed them all. "So there can be no teasing her about our relationship or anything. She's easily upset now and I really need this to work. I'll do whatever it takes. If we can't all agree on this, she says she won't stay. And if she leaves...I...I'll have to follow her. But I can't lose her. Not now. I just can't." He was almost beyond caring about what a fool he must appear to them. He needed their help and just hoped he could count on them.
"Steady, boy." Will felt a big hand placed firmly on his shoulder and looked up at the man it belonged to. "You don't need to explain. You're looking out for your family. You're a good lad. Don't you worry. Neither one of you are alone. We take care of our own here. We'll all work to make this right." John announced, looking pointedly at each man in turn, which seemed to effectively put an end to the discussion.
Will was relieved to hear that John was on his side. John, more than anyone, knew what it was to lose your family, Will knew, and he seemed determined to help. Will was even more relieved when Robin sighed and nodded his agreement. He already knew that Much and Allan had no objections.
Will, more hopeful than he had been in several weeks, immediately turned towards the camp entrance in order to go and deliver the news to the waiting Djaq. He had just enough time to call out "Thanks." over his shoulder before bolting out the door.
The others watched him go and silently exchanged worried glances that clearly conveyed that none of them was quite sure what to think of all that had transpired. But one thing was certain, they knew that they were all unified in their desire to keep Djaq, and now the child she carried, in England with them. For everyone's sake, but especially for the young carpenter who, they were sure, would be lost without her.
"Let's just be very careful to treat Djaq as we always have. Just like one of the lads. That's going to be more important to her now than ever." Robin reminded everyone...well he mostly reminded Allan and Much who seemed the most likely to say something careless. John grunted his agreement while Much and Allan both expressed indignation that anyone should think that they needed reminding. Robin chuckled at the pair who, after so much time spent bickering with each other, had finally found some common ground.
As Djaq sat by the stream, waiting for Will's return, she chastised herself for allowing her emotions to overcome her reason. She had always been a rational woman before this. Even after the night she spent with Will in the cave she had managed to regain control of her senses and and her focus almost immediately. But being with-child was something that her mind and body seemed totally unprepared for.
She knew that it would be even more important to be in control of herself now that the gang would be tempted to treat her like an invalid. They would want to protect her from every little thing and she could not allow that kind of thinking to ruin everything that she had worked so hard for: equality and respect. Plus, she could no longer deny the realities of her situation, and the sooner she started accepting that her life would be changing, the better able she would be to deal with it. She was not the type of person to hide from her troubles, and she could not afford to start now.
She heard him approaching and readied herself to face him with a renewed sense of purpose. It was going to take a great amount of effort to keep her part of their agreement and have things return to pre-cave status between them. She would have to be strong, yet she would have to be very careful not to shut him him out or treat him with coldness. He deserved at least her kindness. But it would be so easy to lose herself in him right now. She would simply have to keep her guard up so that she was not tempted to give into what she felt for him. It would only complicate everything. That was all there was to it.
As he approached her, Will said a silent prayer of thanks to God for making everything work out so far. He knew that they had a long way to go, but he couldn't help but feel hopeful. As an afterthought, he muttered a quiet prayer to Allah as well, just for good measure. He was not even certain if Allah accepted prayers in English, but, seeing as his child would be watched over by both gods, he thought that he should at least give it a try.
When she heard him approaching, she turned to face him. He could tell that she had recovered from her breakdown earlier. He was glad for her, but also a bit sad. For in her moment of anguish, she had actually allowed him to hold and comfort her, and that had gone a long way towards soothing his broken heart.
"Well?" she prompted, looking him straight in the eyes.
"Everything is set. They know and they are more than happy that you're staying. They want to try to make you as comfortable as possible." He mentally delivered another quick prayer to each of their gods hoping that she had not changed her mind about staying.
"Thank you, Will." She said, surprising him.
"What for?"
"I know that this is hard for you and you are being very understanding. I am sorry that I tried to take your child from you by running off. It was foolish and unfair. You deserve better." As she said this, she got up and began walking towards the camp, passing him in the process.
He turned and followed her, unable to think of anything appropriate to say and marveling at her sudden change in attitude towards him. Although it was not her heart she offered him, it was, at least, a hand in friendship. And that was something he'd begun to fear he'd never be offered again.
When Djaq entered the camp, followed by Will, four pairs of eyes met hers immediately. Words of greeting were muttered on all sides, and then three pairs of the eyes quickly looked anywhere but at her. One pair, however, belonging to a man of very little tact, stayed trained on her as she crossed the small room to her bunk.
"Aren't you going to finish your supper?" He inquired anxiously. "I saved it for you. You're eating for two, after all, and you must have proper nourishment."
Clearly, no one was expecting such a blunder so soon after their unanimous agreement that none of them would do anything to make the only female member of the gang feel uncomfortable about her situation. So they all just stared at the speaker, who was, of course, Much, with shocked expressions and their mouths wide open.
Until, that is, they heard Djaq begin to laugh.
"Oh, Much! Leave it to you." She said through her laughter, grateful to have the tension broken. "Well, at least it is out in the open now. But I am not hungry tonight and I do not need fussing over. Thank you, though. For caring. I am tired. Good night, all."
And with that, she climbed into her bunk and pulled her curtain closed. After a few exchanged glances and a few more moments of silence, the others followed her example and made their way to bed as well. So ended the night of revelations, but they were all rather certain that the drama was far from over...