"You know, I don't think this is what Jackie had in mind when she told you to find something to wear for the benefit tonight," Jake said coming up behind her.
She had dragged him with her on this shopping excursion, telling him it would be "fun" and a chance to get out of the office for the afternoon. Jake had rolled his eyes and made some comment on how she was being stereotypical and how all gay men do not enjoy shopping, but he had caved in at her needling. She hadn't wanted to go alone, she spent far too much time alone as it was; plus, despite Jake's protests, she knew he enjoyed shopping with her.
Rose shrugged and turned her attention back to the leather jacket in front of her. It was an intriguing shade of blue, and she couldn't help letting her fingers run over the leather. She knew Jake was right; her mum would murder her if she showed up for one of Jackie's famous benefits in jeans and a leather jacket- again.
"Come on, Rose. Evening wear is this way," Jake said taking her hand and starting to pull her along behind him.
Rose was startled at the action. The only time anyone took her hand anymore was when she was pulling them to safety out in the field. Not sure what to do she pulled her hand out of his grasp and, when seeing the look of confusion cross Jake's face, she quickly covered and smiled reassuringly at him, "It won't hurt to try it on."
Without waiting for a response she sent him a cheeky grin, grabbed the jacket, and headed straight for a dressing room.
"Rose, come on," Jake huffed. "Jackie's party starts in four hours and you know that you need at least that long to get ready." His voice was teasing now and Rose could imagine the sardonic grin that accompanied his words.
"Then do us both a favor and grab that pink top. Mum's been saying I never wear pink anymore."
Jake shook his head, but grabbed the shirt she had indicated and handed it to her before she shut the door. "Thirty seconds, Jake." She promised, grinning as she closed the door.
"I've heard that one before, Rose. You'll be in there for at least ten minutes." She could hear his sigh through the dressing room door and rolled her eyes. "That is one thing I don't get, it's a jacket, why couldn't you try it on out here?"
She chuckled. Men, they would never understand a woman's shopping rituals. "'Cause I wanted to try it with the pink top and I couldn't just strip and try it on out there. Thought they might frown on that, high-classed establishment and all."
"Don't know, might have been able to sell the security tape for an impressive amount," he laughed. "Vitex Heiress Reveals All."
Jake was standing outside her dressing room and she could imagine him leaning against the wall next to the door with his arms crossed, feet out in front of him, ankles crossed. He would look like the quintessential put-upon friend, waiting resignedly for his companion to make her choices and drag him on to the next store. But Rose knew differently. She knew he would be scanning the crowd watching for any tabloid photographer that might have stumbled upon them, or some stranger that was taking too much interest in her. She hated being protected, something both Jackie and Pete had learned early on, but with Jake and Mickey she found she didn't mind. It was their acknowledgement that she could take care of herself, but they were there for back up that she found endearing rather than unbearable.
She shook her head and laughed. "If you think we are rushed for time, Jake, go over to evening wear and have them start pulling dresses."
She knew what his answer would be before he spoke. "You really think I'd leave ya, boss?"
She smiled at the term of endearment. She had been a team leader for over a year now, and by all rights Jake should be leading his own team. She had recommended him several times, begged him practically to take the position, but he had refused every time. He always said she needed someone to get her out of the crazy messes she usually plunged into. And to be fair, he had pulled her out of a few scrapes, okay more than a few scrapes. He was an invaluable member of her team, her cool and level-headed second.
"Nah," she finally answered, her voice muffled as she pulled the t-shirt over her head. It was a brighter pink than she had worn since coming here. She stuck to more neutral or muted colors these days, trying everything she could to distance herself from the girl she used to be. The girl that had believed in dreams and in forever.
"Rose," Jake's voice was calm, but serious. "Can I ask you a question?"
"'Course," she answered, pulling on the jacket and examining herself in the mirror carefully. The cut was nice and stylish and the color went beautifully with the pink.
"Why leather?"
What does he mean by that? Rose thought to herself. "What?" She responded out loud, turning around to check how the jacket looked from behind. It looked good and Rose decided she was definitely not leaving without the jacket or the top.
"Why all the leather, Rose?" Jake asked again. "I don't think I've ever seen you without a leather jacket. Not since you got here."
She froze, examining her reflection in the mirror. She knows the answer to his question and is surprised that no one has ever asked her before. She thought that her mum or Mickey would have commented on it. She had never worn leather back…before. She had preferred the softer fabrics, but the moment she had spotted that black jacket on her first shopping trip here it had just felt right. "I like leather." She replied simply, pulling the jacket off and returning it to the hanger. She didn't pause to think if she was lying for his benefit or her own.
His silence from the other side of the door was unnerving. He had always been good at asking the right questions then waiting patiently for the answers. She stripped off the shirt, hoping that the sooner she could get out of here the sooner they could move on to a new subject, like her dress or Mickey's date for the night - anything but what he is asking.
"Besides," she finally added, giving into the silence. "'M not always in leather. Wear lot's of other stuff, too."
"Rose." Jake said slowly in a tone of voice Rose knew all too well from watching him interrogate suspects at work. It was his 'I know you are skirting the issue with me and I have the patience of Job so you might as well give in now' voice. "Why all the leather?"
Buttoning the last button on her blue blouse, she hesitated before reaching for the brown leather jacket she'd worn in to the store. Coming out with both jackets would only prove Jake's point, but she couldn't leave the brown one off and she desperately wanted the blue one. Taking a deep breath, she shrugged her brown leather on, grabbed the blue on and the pink top, and opened the door.
Jake had moved to face the dressing room door and looked at her with concern etched across his face. She could tell he was about to say something else, but she cut him off. "You know, I was thinking of going with black for tonight? What do you think? Classy enough for my mum?"
Instead of waiting for an answer she moved toward the evening section, not waiting for him to follow, making clear the conversation was over. She clutched the blue leather jacket and pink top tightly hoping that Jake didn't notice her hands trembling.
The music filled every corner of the Tyler's home and the dance floor was at full capacity. The band Jackie had hired was currently playing a fast swing and Rose found herself being whipped around the dance floor by Mickey. Rose threw back her head with a shriek of delight as Mickey threw in a dip.
She met his smile as he pulled her up. "I haven't heard that in a long time," Mickey grinned, spinning Rose around.
"Heard what?" Rose asked, a bit breathless.
"You laughin'. Was startin' to think you forgot how."
"Don't know what you're goin' on about Mickey," Rose said, a smile still on her face. It had been ages since she'd had this much fun. Her mum's parties were usually a boring wine and cheese state affair - alcohol and food a plenty, but never people really enjoying themselves. Tonight was different though. Jackie had hired a band and opened the back garden for a dance floor. People seemed to be really enjoying themselves. Rose scanned the floor and found her mum dancing with Jake and her dad with Mickey's date, Sarah.
Rose smiled at all the people that she loved in one room, even William was over in the corner dancing in the arms of his nanny. Despite her conversation with Jake earlier today, which had left her feeling unsettled and she completed her shopping, the evening had been spectacular.
Mickey finished off their dance with a complicated turn and dip that left both of them on the floor, peeling with laughter. Standing up, they applauded with the rest of the audience and moved back to the Tyler table to find the rest of their party waiting for them. Mickey moved to sit next to Sarah and Rose took what was becoming her customary seat next to Jake. She took the glass of champagne he offered her with a smile.
"I was just telling your dad, sweetheart," her mum's voice came from her left, "that we have raised more tonight for the children's center than we did at the past two gatherings together."
"People like to have fun, Mum."
"Oi, the cheek. You never used to be this cheeky, Rose Tyler, only after you started traveling with…" Jackie's voice trailed off as a she realized what she had just said. The words had the effect of throwing a bucket of ice water on the occupants of the table. The smiles were replaced with looks of concern and Rose felt Jake reach quietly for her hand. Realizing what he was going to do; she pulled both hands into her lap, away from his reach. She didn't have to look over at him to know that the action had caused confusion. She was relieved when he didn't press the issue and instead of taking her hand he placed a comforting hand on her knee.
"You traveled, Rose?" Sarah asked, oblivious to the tension of the others at the table.
"Yeah, I…" Rose attempted to answer, but found it difficult. She was trying to hold together a carefully placed façade and found it slipping away. She needed her leather jacket, she found herself thinking. She needed the comfort and strength and protection that it brought.
"Oh, our Rose," Mickey jumped in, "We couldn't keep her still. Traveled all over Europe and Asia. Even got over to South America."
She shot Mickey a look of thanks and relaxed a little. Mickey continued telling Sarah about the places that she had visited and Rose felt her mother lean over towards her.
"'M sorry, sweetheart, I didn't mean to-"
"Don't worry about it, Mum." Rose cut her off, not wanting an apology. It had been three years, there should be no reason why her mum shouldn't talk about something that had been part of both their lives. But that didn't make it hurt any less.
The band began a new number and Rose sighed in relief as Pete led her mum to the dance floor and Mickey and Sarah followed behind. It was a slower song, a song she remembered from when she was growing up, one her mum used to sing all the time. Rose closed her eyes, the events day finally overwhelming her. She listened to the first simple melodies of the song, lost in memories of a man she couldn't seem to forget.
When the sun is high in the afternoon sky you can always find something to do
But from dusk till dawn as the clock ticks on something happens to you.
"Come on," Jake said, standing up and offering her his hand.
In the wee small hours of the morning, when the whole wide world is fast asleep.
Rose kept her eyes shut, refusing to look at Jake. "Nah, I think 'm going to sit this one out."
You lie awake and think about the boy
"Rose."
And never, ever think of counting sheep.
There was the tone again. Not wanting a fight, she opened her eyes and found Jake's full of understanding and love. Taking a deep breath she nodded and stood, finally allowing him to lead her to the dance floor. She wanted to head up to bed, just find her old room here, put on her flannel pajamas and curl up to have a good cry. Maybe she could make her excuses after this dance.
When the lonely heart has learned its lesson
Rose braced herself as Jake pulled her closer, knowing that he was going to question her again about the leather jacket. What shocked her most was she wasn't sure which frightened her more, the idea that he would bring it up or the idea that he wouldn't. She took a deep breath waiting for the inevitable, but she was taken aback when he finally spoke, "It's going to be okay, Rose."
You'd be his, if only he'd call.
She sighed, laying her head on his shoulder. Knowing that for tonight he was going to leave questions about leather jackets behind. They would come up again, Jake was persistent, but it would be another day. A day that she was dressed to hide the scars. As for everything being okay, she wanted to believe him. Wanted with all her heart to believe this man who knew and understood her more than anyone else in this universe. But he was wrong. No matter how much she pretended, she still couldn't believe the lies.
In the wee small hours of the morning, that's the time you miss him most of all.
She had excused herself after that last dance with Jake and no one had stopped her. She slipped up to her old room and undressed quickly, replacing the new black dress with the comfortable familiar cotton pajamas. Without thinking, she reached for the new leather jacket and pulled it on, feeling a bit more comfortable when it was in place.
She had taken some paper and pen from Pete's study on her way from the party. These items now in hand she made her way from her room to the connecting balcony and sat down. The music and noise from the party drifted up from the back garden. The band was playing another slow song, a song about lovers reuniting and Rose felt the tears she had successfully fought off downstairs well in her eyes. Grasping the pen she began to write,
My Doctor,
When we first met I don't think I had ever met anyone so lonely. I didn't understand it at the time, but I think understand now.
This life is very lonely. I have friends, brilliant friends. But it isn't the same. Everyone else seems to have a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on and I am left watching from the sidelines. Though Jake tries to be the person I need; it isn't the same. There are days that I just wish there was a hand to hold, or a shoulder to lean into, someone who will accept me as I am, and not question my every decision, my food choices, my clothing. Everyone needs a hand to hold, but what happens when that is no longer an option?