Almost a week had pasted since they left Kirkwall. Hawke had isolated herself from the rest of her companions, who had been kind enough to keep a distance from her. Anders had also kept his distance from both Hawke and the others. Not that they actually where unkind to him or made an effort to avoid him. He didn't know if it was because they feared him, because they respected Hawkes decision to let him live or they had been through so much pain and sacrifice, that they didn't want more trouble. He had been the reason for all of this. He knew that Hawke would have protected the mages and that the others would have followed her through the void. He just didn't think he would have been around to see it. Had justice been done, had Marian executed him, he wouldn't have to deal with all of this guilt. When Marian was mourning the death of Carver she had said: "Death is sometimes the easy punishment. It is far more difficult to learn to live with what you have done or failed to do." This was his punishment, to see others suffer from his actions. Seeing her suffer.
He had watched Marian closely, be it from a distance, the past days and he could see her slipping deeper into her own thoughts. Hardly eating or sleeping. She only spoke when spoken to. Only ate when Bethany or Merill brought her something.
"She will be alright, Anders" Bethany said as she handed him a piece of bread and sat down next to him on the crate."You need to eat as well, you know."
"I have never seen her like this. Not even when Leandra died. I hate to see her suffer and there is nothing I can do. And now she is trapped here on a ship with me. A constant reminder of everything she has lost." He said while slowly sinking his head into his hands.
"I use to be angry at myself for being born a mage. For making my family suffer so. They gave up so much for me and never had a real life, all because of my magic." Anders looked up at Bethany as she continued.
"When we had just arrived in Kirkwall, I felt that it was my fault mother didn't have the life she wanted. Marian told me that she would never trade me for anything. That the constant moving and hiding from the templars, was worth every moment we laughed and played together. She reminded me that our mother would have been heartbroken if I had been taken away and no amount of safety would be worth trading our families love for."
"She finally had a life and I have taken it from her. She loved me and gave me everything and I destroyed it."
"She still loves you, Anders. She just needs time. If anyone can forgive you, it's her." Bethany got up.
"And Anders... Even though I do not agree with what you did... Thank you... Thank you for giving me the strength to fight."
That night Anders was lying in his room tossing and turning. "Will I ever be able to make it up to her? How could I do this to her?"
"It was Justice. It was the only way." Justice reminded him.
" We have no idea if it worked. We could have had a life and a family. Everything that I thought was beyond my reach forever. I could have had it and I threw it away. Even her love."
"You would have given into sloth! We are justice!"
"Easy for you to say, you don't love her."
Justice didn't seem to respond. Then suddenly Anders' mind began to overflow with memories. He was in the fade. Fenriels dream. The only time Marian and Justice have had a real conversation.
"You must be Justice. Nice to finally meet you." Marian smiled.
"Anders has told you of me. It's nice to feel the fade again, not the empty air of your world."
"You know people usually try to forget the Gallows when they dream, not recreating it. I do at least." She chuckled. As a rogue she had never been to the fade in a waking state.
Justice was about to give her a detailed description of the fade, but when his eyes meet hers he lost his trail of thought. This must have been some of Anders' feelings interfering with his purpose. He knew she would be a distraction, why could Anders not grasp that.
"I'm trusting you to advise me. I have never been to the fade before. Even worse I don't know how the demons will affect me." Her voice was worried. She always seemed to question herself and Justice could not decide if it was lack of confidence or false modesty.
"Of course, mortal. Come, I can feel Fenriels mind straining."
"Thank you." She took his hand and gave it a squeeze quickly letting it go. Justice was puzzled that she would show him a sign of affection. Since she wasn't a mage she probably couldn't grasp the difference between him and Anders? She must have believed him to be Anders. And yet he was Anders. Perhaps this was a concept even he had trouble grasping.
Even as their companions succumbed to the influence of the demons, she seemed unaffected by both the demons and the betrayal of her friends. Aveline and Fenris seemed to have a much stronger will than Hawke, yet she had resisted temptation. Justice looked at her with wonder and respect as she pulled her dagger from the pridedemon.
"Well, that was certainly interesting. Poor Fenris he always tries so hard." She sighed
"You pity them? They were weak and untrustworthy!"
"No, they are people with troubles and heartaches that I can only begin to imagine. Oh, Aveline I am so sorry. Seeing Wesley like that must have been heartbreaking."
"You did not fall to temptation... or perhaps the demon just didn't pick the right method of temptation." Justice spat, as he mistook her sympathy for weakness.
"Look, I know this is hard for you to understand. I can sympathize with them, but that does not mean that I approve of their actions. Besides if it hadn't been for your guidance who knows what, would have happened. I am just glad you where here." She smiled.
Justice stared into her eyes and felt that he began to understand her. What he had suspected to be false modesty was merely her being cautious. She was aware of her own weaknesses and did not push them aside as Aveline and Fenris had done. She did not give into pride and sloth. Marian recognized her weaknesses and was weary of them. This was undoubtedly the reason why she resisted the demons.
"You have done well mortal. You should not doubt yourself. But your companions will likely betray you again."
"I know you mean well, but I will rather forgive and then let myself be consumed with anger. In the end being angry will hurt me more than them. Do you think Fenris' anger is hurting Danarius more than himself? Don't worry about me so." Apparently rage also deluded her. She gave him a kiss on his cheek and Justice felt himself paralyzed as she walked away. He figured had succumbed to Anders' emotions once again. "I told him, she would be a distraction!"
Anders felt his heart being overwhelmed by guilt once again. Fenris and Aveline hadn't betrayed her, even when Anders thought they would have turned away. But he... they had betrayed her. His thoughts were interrupted as he heard a dog whine at his door. Anders stood up and opened the door hoping that Marian would be there together with Barkley. The dog looked at him, but Marian was nowhere to be seen.
"What do you want? I told you more than once that I'm a cat person and I don't have anything you can eat either." He stroke the dog as it kept whining uncontrollably.
"What's wrong?" The dog grabbed hold of his sleeve and started to drag. "Alright, I'm coming."
He followed Barkley up on the deck and at first saw nothing. He heard an angry sob and turned around. Marian was on the other end of the ship. As he walked closer he could see her beating herself. Slapping and scratching her face while pulling her hair.
"What are you doing?" He gasped as he ran towards her. He grabbed her by her arms and she began to struggle.
"Stop it, Marian. Stop it! What do you think you are doing?"
"I can't take it anymore! I'm so angry and it is eating me inside. This is the only way to release it... it makes the pain stop for a little while." She began to cry uncontrollably and sank to her knees. He looked at the bruises and scratch marks on her arms and face. They had clearly been caused in the past three days. If the others had notice the probably thought that they were inflicted in the Gallows, but he was a healer and knew better. "If only I had watched her more closely!" He felt his heart boil with anger for not noticing earlier.
"Don't torment yourself. Beat me if you wish, but stop doing this to yourself." He gently ran his finger trough her hair and then lifted her chin so he could see the extend of the damage. He cast a spell of healing and watched the blue energy sink into her skin.
"It would not help." She sobbed. "I am angry at myself not you. I can constantly feel a battle being fought inside me. I am feeling guilty about the deaths of all those people. The people in the Chantry... the mages. I could not help you. I tried so hard and you still became desperate enough to go through with a massacre. And I hate myself for it."
"Marian. Love, I..." He began, but she interrupted him.
"And then there is another part of me. The part, that tells me that it was necessary. The part that keeps telling me that everything has a price. And they are constantly at war with each other and I cannot contain it any longer."
As Anders was about to comfort her, he was interrupted by Aveline. She was patrolling the ship tonight as the rest of them slept and had undoubtedly heard Hawkes angry sobs. If she had heard their conversation was anyone's guess.
" Hawke you are exhausted. This will have to wait, Anders. She needs some rest." Aveline helped Hawke to her feet and began to walk with her below deck. "Oh no buddy, you will have to find someplace else to sleep tonight. She needs rest... even from you." Aveline said to Barkley while patting his head. The dog howled, then ran to Anders and starred at him with big sad eyes.
"So you think you can just smooth your way into my bed instead?" Barkley gave a happy bark and started licking Anders' hand.
"Well, at least I still got one friend." Anders responded as he patted the dog on his head. He looked at Marian and Aveline. His one chance in days to talk to her, to try and comfort her, was lost. He felt his heart tighten as he wondered "Will I ever get the chance again?"