A Pelican drop ship ripped through Halo's blindingly bright night that was incredibly easy to see in. Inside were: Master Petty Orificer 'The Chief' Bieber, Purple Dominatrix AI "Whortana," Lieutenant "The Foil Character" Oreo, Sergeant (black) Sgt. Johnson, and a bunch of disposable Marines (pull tab before using.) They were on a mission of great importance: Captain Keyes had been captured and now they were going to go rescue him.
Cortana recited the mission briefing very loudly. "The drop ship that Keyes got on in the valley was shot down by the Covenant. They managed to capture him, and he's now being held in a ship known as the Truth and Reconciliation."
The Chief nodded. "I was wondering where my keys went."
"How many drop ships do we have on Halo anyways?" asked Oreo. "Didn't we go through like, five, in the last half hour?"
"It's better not to question the purple lady that lives in your head," said the Chief to her.
Oreo rolled her eyes, and her breasts. They had hit some turbulence. "Oh, right. Of course."
"Because," continued the Chief without listening whilst staring at her breasts, which were, if I have not already mentioned it, large, "if you do she whips you. With a riding crop."
"Hmph." Johnson crossed his arms. "No self-respecting man would let himself get ordered around like that. You've just lost your man-cards Master Chief. I hope you're happy."
"Oh no," said the Chief as his man cards flew out the bay door. He reached for one, but it was snatched away on the fleeting wind and flitted into the impenetrable darkness of the night. "Nooo!" he cried. "They had naked ladies on!"
"What the hell happened to my royal flush?" barked the Marine sitting next to the Chief. He looked around angrily.
"Chill out, Marine," said Cortana. "The Chief will buy you a new deck of cards with nekkid ladies on when we get back to earth. If you're still alive."
Everyone laughed, except for the Marine who was still angry. "Puta de madres!" he shouted, and went to sulk into the corner never to be mentioned again. Because he slipped and fell out the bay door to his death.
"Whoops," said the Chief.
"Touch down niggas. You kick that shit old school, aight!?" said Thad the Pelican pilot as he slammed his craft into the ground in a manner so loud and earth shatteringly violent that every living being on Halo was instantly aware of their presence and exact location.
"Still a wigger, Tom?" asked the Chief. "And apparently your Asian too because you can't seem to drive the fucking god damn car for shit."
"You're one to talk," said Cortana. "And we're on a plane, not a car."
"The fuck?" came the very white voice over the radio. "You're a hater, 'Masta' Chief!"
The Chief began to shake. "Why yoou! NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO ACCUSE ME OF RACISM!" Sergeant Johnson was standing right next to him, but was too busy admiring his own biceps to listen.
"We don't have time for your stupid shit, Chief," said Cortana. "Let's just go. We can't allow the Covenant to have Captain Keyes for any longer."
"Okay." The Chief cocked his rifle and looked hungrily at the nearby Marines.
The Pelican's bay door slowly lowered all the way and prolapsed out to form a bridge to the night-cliff, as if perhaps it was the gaping anus of some metal god of war about to deliver his brown children upon the shores of perdition. Then it spewed out the soldiers like bastard devils out of hell.
"Okay jar heads," shouted Sergeant Sgt. Johnson, waving some keys in front of the Chief to get his attention. "We're here to board a Covenant ship named the Truth and Reconciliation. These Covie savages have kidnapped Commander Keyes, and we're gonna get him back. We're gonna blow a hole straight to China through these godless bastards! We will leave a hole in their cultural memory so deep that they won't even think about crossing us again! We will fight terror with terror!"
Cortana cleared her non-existent throat. "Yeah, thanks for repeating everything I said but in a more aggressive and masculine way. Chief, let's get going. There's a ridge up ahead; use it to snipe. Sergeant, you and the Marines wait for the Chief's signal."
"Edmiriggio gringans!" commented one of the Marines. Johnson slapped him.
"What will the signal be?" asked the black man. "A bird call? A code word? Screams?"
"Don't worry," said the Chief as he pushed an eleven inch bullet into the chamber of his sniper rifle and pulled back the bolt, which was itself literally five feet long. "You'll know it when you hear it."
He turned and jogged between two very labia like cliff sides. Mother nature is hot. Anyways, he went low and snuck up the side of the rocks and onto a ledge. Unfortunately, the ten foot barrel of the giant sniper rifle easily gave away his position behind a bush. But fortunately almost all the Covenant below him were too busy making drug deals and trading sexual favors to see him. Rap music played from a boom box in the corner as an Elite lifted weights while sitting on a bench. He had an undershirt on, even though it was well known fact that the Covenant do not make textiles. A Hunter walked past the Chief's scope with a Jackal holding onto one of its inside out pockets.
"It's like that gay prison from the Telephone video," nattered the Chief excitedly. "Call all you want, but there's no one home. And you're not gonna reach my telephone." Then he stood and busted a shitty dance move just like Lady Gaga would.
"I had no idea that you were such a fan of shitty music," said Cortana in the silence that followed.
"Lady Gaga is a princess!" shrieked the Chief very loudly.
A dozen yards away Sergeant Johnson's large ears perked up. "A blatant lie? That must be the signal, boys!" he bellowed at the Marines, most of whom had busied themselves trading sexual favors whilst simultaneously making drug deals.
"Attack!" said the black Sergeant, charging into the clearing. The Marines dropped what and who they were doing and ran after him.
"Viva la irremego gringos!"
"NO!" shouted Cortana over the radio. "God damn it why can't any of you testosterone charged shit flinging man-apes ever stick to my fucking plans?!"
"Your plans are boring!" said the Chief as he began firing. The sound was like the hammer of Thor exploding a melon keg full of napalm. Some Covenant had engaged the marines, but a few had spotted him as well. The Chief grinned as the Grunts in his sights began to run for cover. He leveled the six foot barrel of his sniper rifle to aim at the fleeing aliens.
"Mmm," he murmured "I can see everything. I'm GOD!"
He snuffed out his targets with single perfect shots to the head. Not a bullet was wasted. Precise gouts of gore spurted into the crystal clear night air with every shot. The sound of the sniper rifle drowned out the screams of his victims, hammering like a deadly battle drum that split the world with lightening intensity. See, it got less and less intense as time went on because everyone's ears became numb to that frequency of sound. That's why I said lightening. After the last target had fallen, the Chief stood up and raised his arms into the air in triumph.
"Remember Reach!"
"Goddamn it, Chief," said Cortana.
"What?"
He had been shooting the Marines instead of the Covenant. The entire squad was wiped out except for Sergeant Sgt. Johnson and Oreo, who were looking around nervously at the Covenant warriors that had surrounded them.
"I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more from you, Chief," said Cortana. "But…at least they didn't get a chance to use grenades."
"Oh my god," said the Chief in horror. "What have I done?"
Oreo looked up at him hopefully.
"I haven't even used grenades yet!" said the Chief exasperatedly.
The unfazed Covenant began to close in. A Jackal grinned. Oreo thought it was leering at her, but it was actually looking at a Grunt behind her. "Uh, Chief?" she called out. "Little help—"
"You pussy ass motherfuckers want a piece of me!?" bellowed Sergeant Johnson, roughly pushing her aside to face the Covenant. Everyone flinched. He stuffed a cigar into his mouth, lifted the barrel of his shotgun to his face, and pulled the trigger. A lion's roar split the silence and a few Grunts dove for cover from the insane human who had just shot himself in the face. Ten thousand shot gun pellets tore into the night sky, and a single fiery one caught the edge of his cigar. It flared and caught, and he took a few puffs. A single powder burn marred the black Sergeant's cheek.
"Well…." He removed the cigar and puffed a single ring of smoke into a red Elite's face as shot gun pellets rained down around them. "Give it your best. Mother. Fucking. Shot."
"'Scuse me Johnson." The Chief shouldered past him and threw a live grenade straight into the ring of Covenant.
A shockwave of nuclear energy erupted dead center amongst the aliens, tearing dirt and stone and flesh apart in a flash that clawed at the night and was gone in an instant. The sound the blast made was like the death of the sun. Blood, and chunks of instantaneously deep fried meat splattered all around the blast zone, covering everyone and everything in a rainbow of viscera. A pall of smoke settled over the scene as the liquefied remains of the enemy oozed down into the steam choked, gaping crevice in the Earth that the blast had left.
"The most fair and honorable weapon in this man's army," said the Chief, grinning under as a torrent of alien blood cascaded over his face plate.
"Man," said Johnson. "You stole my fucking thunder, Chief."
"I don't steal thunder," said the Spartan. "I make it. In my pants!"
"Yeah, what a hero," yawned Cortana. "Do you want me to show you the video where he shot all the Marines to death not five seconds ago? It's no trouble, I'm going to re-watch it tonight."
"I'll pass, but thanks anyways," said Oreo. She gave the Chief a light hearted punch on the shoulder. "That is, for that save! I guess I owe you one, huh Chief?"
"One what?" asked the Chief.
"Um." Oreo frowned. "One…life, I guess. Huh."
"That's cool, you can keep your life." The Chief turned and walked up the hill.
"Damn," said Sgt. Johnson. "That man is man. He may be stupid. But he is a man."
"Kind of," said Cortana over his radio. "I've got pics before and after the operation. Wanna see?"
"Maybe," said Oreo.
"OH SHIT, well, seeya!" Sgt. Johnson turned and marched hurriedly away.
"What? I was just kidding!" Oreo laughed as they set out to follow the Chief. As soon as they turned the corner, however, they found that he was waiting for them curled up behind a rock.
Johnson stared. "Uh…Chief? Something wrong?"
The Chief looked up, his body quaking. "Johnson. I'm afraid of the dark. Could you hold my hand?"
"Aaaaand there go your man-cards again," said Johnson, throwing a deck of Mr. Yuck brand cards over the cliff side. Oreo visibly deflated and possibly even dried up, but I'll leave that to your imagination.
"I'm glad to see things going back to normal," said Cortana. "And that you've been taking those female hormones, Chief."
"I'm a good little girl."
"You're a mad man, that's what you are." Sergeant Sgt. Johnson hoisted the Chief and firmly grabbed the Spartan's hand to lead him up the cliff side.
"I can't see," complained the Chief.
"Close your eyes," said Cortana. "It will help your sight adjust. To the darkness."
Oreo caught the Chief's attention. "Do you want to take a break or something? I totally understand. You can let me take over for a while and be the leader—"
A bunch of grunts appeared around the corner. The Chief turned quickly to the Sergeant. "…Token black friend," he grated. "Go on…WITH OUT ME!" Then the Chief rushed forwards and tackled them, at the same time igniting two plasma grenades. "REMEMBER REACH!" he screeched. He also laughed at death, saved his girlfriend, and stayed behind to activate the bomb.
"What do you mean 'black?'" asked Johnson.
Suddenly the two plasma grenades exploded, frying the Chief's shields and somehow making Sgt. Johnson's skin slightly darker.
Oreo gagged on the stench of burned flesh. "What the hell was that about, Chief?"
"Megan Fox!" hooted the Chief. He and the Sergeant high fived, Johnson looking confused.
"That doesn't make any sense," said Cortana.
The Chief shrugged. "It did in my head and that's all that matters. Guys, lets sneak up this cliff side."
"Okay," said Oreo. "Good idea."
"SHHHHH!" hissed the Chief so loudly that it almost caused an avalanche. "WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SNEAKING!"
They came to a corner around which the Chief peeked, whilst his friends lined up behind him in something of a conga line. There was nobody else with them since they had not yet restocked on Marines. The Covenant up ahead were too busy trading drug favors while making sexual deals to notice the Chief's huge helmet sticking around the corner. The paint on his armor was a very bright neon green that illuminated everything with reflected light.
He saw a red Grunt talking to an orange Grunt, both of them awash in booger green light.
"I still can't believe you hid that KY Jelly in my locker," said the Grunt to his friend. "It took days before they would let me in the men's showers again."
"Shh! Do you hear that? Its…it sounds like…" the orange Grunt slowly turned in the direction of the humans' hiding place. Sweat literally poured off of the humans in copious amounts. A huge pearly bead dripped from the end of Johnson's large nose and drooped slowly, almost reaching the ground before it disconnected and plopped into the dust, creating a puddle that was almost vast enough to reach crush depth at its very bottom.
The Chief and Oreo stared at him in horror.
"That sounds just like the whambulance," said the orange Grunt. All the Covenant in the area laughed at the red Grunt and pelted him with KY jelly. Slowly, carefully, the Chief and company relaxed their collectively vice-tight sphincters.
"Thank god for gay jokes," said Johnson, and crossed himself. Because all the bad-asses are catholic.
The Chief also crossed himself. With an x. On his forehead. Then he peeked around the corner, again, and saw that there was a strange looking triangle shaped object hidden behind a tree. It was just past where a blue Elite was vigorously scratching his wiener.
"What's that?" the Chief asked Sgt. Johnson, pointing.
"Probably herpes," whispered the black Sergeant. "It completely breaks your game, if you know what I mean."
"No, the Covenant use protection," said Cortana. "Why, in Gay Grunt Gang Bangs 4—"
Oreo began to turn green. I mean, greener than she already was in the blinding green light reflecting off the Chief's helmet.
"I meant the thing behind the tree," hissed the Chief, cutting her off.
"Oh." Johnson looked. "That's an invisibility armor upgrade. It completely breaks the game, if you know what I mean."
The Chief shrugged. "Sounds cheap and unrealistic." Then did a double flip in the air, shot five hunters in the head, and blew up god. Ha, just kidding, that would never happen. In this chapter. In this part of the chapter. Just now, this sentence. It didn't.
Sergeant Johnson pushed the Chief gently around the corner. "Well, Chief," he said. "Why don't you go nab that power up? Spare us the trouble."
"Wait," said the Chief. "Hold on, I have an idea. Johnson, take off your clothes."
Johnson looked around. "What, is Mendoza here or something?"
"No," said the Chief. "Listen; you'll blend in better than any invisibility potion, but only if you expose as much of your skin as possible."
Oreo glared at him. "Chief, that's kind of messed up, isn't it?"
Johnson held up his hands. "Hold on a second—why would I blend in more if my clothes were off? Everyone else is wearing clothes!"
Cortana explained patiently. "It's because you're black, Johnson. The Chief thinks your skin will blend into the nighttime easier. And that's all I have to say on the subject."
Sgt. Johnson gasped. "I'm…black? Oh my god." He looked down at his hands. "Chief, guys—I'm fucking black!"
Cortana instantly had a fatal blue screen of death error from the stupid and had to reboot.
"Wow, Johnson, this changes everything," said the Chief, staring at the Sergeant. "I no longer feel comfortable or safe around you."
Oreo sputtered, "w-what—Chief, you were just saying that—I—what?"
"Yeah, don't be hatin', nigga," said Johnson, his voice like that of one hesitantly trying to sound like an Afro-American gentlemen speaking African American English.
"Oh my god, Johnson, what the hell are you trying to do," began Oreo.
The Chief crossed his arms. "Now look. I am very politically sensitive, so shut your idiot vagina up; I have to deal with this uppity negro right now."
"You son of a bitch! That is our word!" Johnson tried to make a gangsta sign at the Chief.
"Johnson!" Oreo grabbed him by the collar. "You don't have to act different just because you suddenly found out that you've been a different race your whole life!"
"Oh my god maybe I am," yammered Sgt. Johnson. "I don't know anything about my own culture! I've got to start acting more black!"
The Chief rolled his eyes. Except nobody could see, you know, because of the helmet. "Why do you have to? SO YOU CAN RISE UP AGAINST THE WHITE MAN?"
"MAYBE!" screamed Johnson, tears squirting out of his eyes.
An Elite walked up to them, holding a plasma rifle and looking irritable. Everyone fell silent and stared in horror as it stopped in front of their hiding spot. The Elite yawned, stretching its arms. "Hey…some of us are trying to sleep, so could you guys keep it down over here?"
"Could you fuck off?" asked Cortana.
"Rude." He walked away.
Oreo spoke in a whisper. "Well, that was—" But she was interrupted when her radio crackled to life with a deafening screech. "Hey MAI NIGGAZ. Who be in dis bitchouse! Homes—e—slice. IT BE THAD THE PELICOOON PIE-LOT." Horrified, she turned to look at Johnson, whose eyes had narrowed dangerously.
"What th' hell you talkin' white boooooi?" Johnson growled into the radio.
"Yo don' be hatin nigga," said Thad's voice, but a note of doubt had crept into it.
"BITCH," began Johnson. "That is OUR word. Your cream cheese-cheese-white-ass in a fucking Globe Trotter's jersey don't have no god damn right to use it! How many brothers on the down low didja have to fuck to learn the jive, bitch? Your ass so white from the nuts they busted down on there. Motherfucker. So clamp that pimply milk dud chatter box up, pull the stick out of yo ass, and bring that fucking ride down to this fucking cliff before I pop you and all your wigger cunts in the fucking face. Do you read me, wonder bread?"
"Shit man," grumbled Thad. "I was jus' playin."
"Yeah, sure you were wigger. Now drop that shit off," added Cortana, obviously getting into the spirit of abuse.
Johnson turned to her, or more accurately to the Chief, who had by this time walked up beside Oreo to watch the Sergeant in amazement.
"BITCH!" he exclaimed at Cortana. "Don't you be talkin' over me, you hear me?"
"Oh, you want to go big man?" laughed Cortana. "You think just because you can say the 'n word' now that makes you hard? You think your Hershey ass would last five seconds in the ghetto?"
"I'm hard," said the Chief. Oreo looked at him.
Johnson raised his hand. "Am I gonna have to smack a bitch, Cortana? Is that what I'm gonna have to do?"
"Wow," said Oreo, carefully stepping in front of the Chief. "Sgt. Johnson, you might want to think what it says about you that you've decided that the best way to be black is to be a violent, foul mouthed, racist, misogynistic prick."
"I'LL CONSIDER IT!" shouted Johnson.
At that moment Thad's pelican drop ship tore through the night, jets streaming, and parked itself in mid air just off the cliff edge. The bay door slammed open and reinforcements for their glorious quest streamed out!
"Oorah!" said the first Marine as he jumped out.
"Booya!" said the second as he also jumped out.
"Yeehaw!" said the third as he too jumped out.
"Waahoo!" said the fourth as he as well jumped out.
"OH SHIT!" said the fifth as he jumped out and realized that the pelican was a good five yards away from the edge of the cliff. He fell to his death with the other Marines.
"Well, I guess that didn't work," said Cortana. "But at least nobody gave them frag grenades."
"I guess I won't have to worry about that guy's cards which I threw out the window," laughed the Chief.
"Actually, Chief," said Cortana, "he was already dead. He fell out of the plane before we even got here, for some reason."
"Oh yeah." The Chief sighed. "Man, where would I be without you?"
"You might still have a real dick that works."
"How ya like mai brothas!" came Thad's 'white nosie.' "They be bustin caps like a motherfucker!"
"They're all dead, Tad," said Oreo not unkindly. "You might want to get your rear view mirror fixed."
"Sheeeeet," said Thad as Sgt. Johnson screamed insults having to do with various white grocery products into his headset, not realizing that Cortana had cut him off from the channel. Thad piloted the Pelican closer to the edge and let out another small seminal trickle of Marines.
"GRACIAS AMIGOS!" screamed the first Marine. "IDDRIGO DOMINGO SANDO CALIBRO CANTANTO!" The squad checked their weapons and marched up to join with the Chief and his friends.
"Fabulous," commented the Chief. "I'm sure these guys will be indispensible."
"Damn right nigga!" said Tad as he flew away. Cortana let Johnson back on the radio.
"Cracker ass cream puff miracle whip see—men!" finished Sgt. Johnson with an air of finality. He looked around to see that everyone else had already moved on. "Bitches ain't shit," he muttered to himself. Then he followed. It turned out that all the Covenant guarding the cliff side were asleep; either it was the hard drugs that had made them impervious to all the humans' noise, or it was that and some combination of the violent sex they must have been having, judging by all the Plasma brand condoms lying about.
Getting to the area where the grav lift was proved somewhat difficult. First, the Chief and friends had to squeeze through a hair thin passage in the cliff side. Roots and rocks laced the entirety of the passage, scraping away skin and armor alike. Surprisingly it was not the Chief who had the most trouble getting through with his Spartan armor, but Lieutenant Oreo and her giant tits.
"You know," said Cortana conspiratorially to Oreo. "They do reduction surgery for cheap nowadays."
"What are you talking about?" asked Oreo, finally dislodging her squashed left tit from the crack.
"Nothing," said the Chief, drooling inside his helmet. "She's not talking about either of them."
"Huh?" Oreo massaged herself. "Damn these really ache now." She removed her breastplate. "I think I've got bruises. Does anyone have a med pack?"
"Oh I've got your med pack right here," said the Chief. He pointed to his crotch. Oreo raised her eyebrows.
"See," said the Chief, pulling a small roll of bandages out of his ammo belt and tossing it to her.
"Right."
Oreo waited as Johnson and the Chief stared at her. "Um, guys? Could you look away now? I have to bandage my chest."
"No," said the Chief. "I mean yes, but no."
"Okay." Oreo backed away around the corner and ducked behind some rocks.
"Don't worry Chief," said Cortana. "I'm recording everything through your guys' helmets."
"Aw, hell yeah," said the Chief. "That's the shit. Keep going, baby. Show me what you got!"
"I HEARD THAT!" screamed Oreo over the radio. She hurriedly finished applying bandages and came back around the corner.
The Chief received her with a cold shoulder. "I don't know what you're talking about." He pointed to Sgt. Johnson, who was break dancing on a piece of dirty cardboard while a Covenant boom box played 90s Hip Hop and some black armored Elites watched with crossed arms. "We were just recording my 'peep' busting his 'moves.'"
"Oh," said Oreo, watching as Johnson spread his legs unnaturally wide and bounced up and down on his head.
"Your moves are pretty hip," said one of the Spec-Ops Elites. "But check this gravy!"
He then busted some rad-er moves all up in that bitch while Johnson watched in horror. The Chief gasped as the other Spec-Ops Elite joined in and began to bust out some exponentially more sizzling moves, simultaneously.
"Oh damn!" said the first Elite as he finished, turning off the boom box with a single kick. "Put that in your pipe and smoke it, filthy humans."
The Chief shot him in the face. Blood sprayed onto another Elite's face as he screamed before the Chief punched through his skull with his fingers/ The Chief slowly wiped his hand off on their dead bodies before standing up and saying, coldly: "No. You."
They proceeded on up the hill alone, for unfortunately all the Marines accompanying them had already been crushed to death by the passage way, their bloated bodies acting as in impromptu plug to keep any Covenant from following.
"Wow, I guess they really were useful!" said the Chief.
Johnson and Cortana laughed raucously.
"That's not funny," complained Oreo.
"No, no, it is," chuckled Johnson, wiping a tear away from his eye. "It's funny 'cause they were all white!"
"Actually, I'm pretty sure they were some sort of Hispanic," said Cortana. "Pretty sure."
Johnson shrugged. "Whatever. Non-black, then."
The Chief un-holstered his pistol, flicked the safety off, and shot Sgt. Johnson in the knee without looking. The black marine collapsed to the ground screaming and clutching the bloody remains of his kneecap. Oreo drew back in horror.
"Not a bad shot, Chief," commented Cortana.
"Thanks."
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING!" screamed Johnson as Oreo got out her med kit. She had a med kit for the Chief right here. In her back pack.
The Chief stood up straighter and twirled his pistol, then holstered it. "Sorry Johnson," he said, glancing up at the pulsating grav shaft that would take him deep into the colon of the Covenant cruiser. When he spoke his voice was as if he was chewing gravel, with a mouth made of gravel. "This is something I have to do alone. I don't want anyone else to get hurt."
"That why you shot me, niggs?" asked Johnson, still gritting his teeth.
The Chief raised a hand. "No, don't even try. I care too much about your well-being to let you come with me on this most dangerous of missions."
"What about me?" asked Oreo. "Aren't you worried about me getting hurt, Chief?"
The Chief looked at her. "You're right. Of course I do." He started to reach for his gun.
"Not that my feelings would be hurt if you didn't care," Oreo added quickly. "Because I don't even like you, or anything. Please don't shoot me."
The Chief hissed. "Wow, you just had to add that in. Just because I don't expect you to fall in love with me doesn't mean you have to always remind me that you're not attracted to me."
"Yeah, she's a bitch isn't she?" said Cortana.
The Chief flounced off towards the grav-lift, leaving a confused Oreo and a hurt Johnson in his wake. Soon enough Thad the Pelican flew in to provide reinforcements, but the Chief signaled the Marines to stay behind by firing off a couple of warning shots into their skulls. This was something he had to do alone.
*Cue Rambo theme*
The Chief stepped into the shaft of light as the Marines that were too stupid to run or die gathered around him. They began to float slowly up into the belly of THE BEAST. Cortana made vaguely sexual noises as the holographic shaft enveloped them. The Chief turned his helmet up so that he could observe the asses of the Marines as they glided above.
"Nooo take me with you bruthaaaa!" cried Sgt. Johnson as he lay on the ground, bleeding from his knees and crying from his eyes.
"Wheeeee!" said the Chief obliviously.
"Good luck Chief!" said Oreo. She stopped. "Well, maybe! I have conflicting feelings about this matter!"
After taking the grav-lift to the back entrance, entering the Truth and Reconciliation from behind, and dick butt, the Chief found himself in a storage room full of purple boxes. The Marines spread out in formation to cover all the doors as the Chief took stock. He found that in the middle of the room stood some sort of holographic pedestal.
"Uh oh," said the Chief. "Looks like the Covet-nut have an AI too!"
Cortana scoffed. "Nobody can beat my hacking amazing skills, Chief. Don't sweat it."
Suddenly the holographic display came to life. Pixels fazed into order, shining with an eerie purple glow. A tiny figure was slowly assembled from the blur until, standing there in miniature before them, was a Covenant Elite clad in nothing but a tutu.
"Howdy folks," said the Elite gaily. The Chief stared.
"Um, hi. How's it hanging."
The Elite did a ballet-worthy spin, displaying a slip of large grandma underpants. "Oh, just fine there partner. What brings ya'll to my special place?"
"The Covenant have really weird taste in AI," said one of the Marines. His friend smacked him upside the head and told him to be quiet, just before floating energy sword melted both of them into flesh piles. Nobody noticed.
"Let me handle this," interrupted Cortana. "I can override the ship's security if you can get me into their main frame, past the fire wall and hub router network security lockdown binary double encryption key matrix."
"Sounds like a plan." The Chief slapped his hand against the pedestal and Cortana suddenly appeared in the hologram next to the A.I, who gaped at Cortana's holographic form, resplendent as she was in full latex.
"You like Chief?" asked Cortana, wiggling her purple hips.
"No," said the Chief. "But maybe I would if I had balls and sex drive."
"Well, we can't have everything we want," Cortana pouted. She turned to the Covenant A.I. and whipped out a knife.
"OH GOD NO!" he tried to run, but Cortana grabbed him by the back of his neck, pushed him down, and cut his hamstrings. The Chief watched in utter horror as the knife parted holographic flesh, bright garish blood splattering onto invisible miniature walls.
"PLEASE, MERCY!" the Elite twisted at his blood soaked tutu, trying to crawl away. Cortana cut his throat from ear to ear. The purple ichor poured out of the dead AI's body, drowning the grandma underwear it wore beneath the tutu in a violet sea. Cortaan wiped her hands.
"You've just been deleted," she said.
The Chief leaned back. "Honestly, that was less one liner worthy and more horrible and disturbing."
"One of these days you'll have to tell me how it feels to be a huge fucking hypocrite," said Cortana as she dragged the dead A.I.'s body out of sight. She dusted her hands off again and closed her eyes. "I'm in, Chief. Seems like the Covenant aren't putting up much of a fight, huh?"
"OH I WOULDN'T SAY THAT!" said Commander Darren the gold Elite as he stalked from the shadows. In one hand he carried an energy sword, in the other a Jackal's shield. Next to him crouched Eric the Jackal holding a beam rifle.
"Damn! Marines, you were supposed to guard the doors!" The Chief looked around. All of the Marines were dead.
"Oh. At least they didn't get a chance to use—"
"Silence, human!" Darren stalked towards the Chief. "I mean, be quiet! Excuse me." He shook himself. "But how DARE YOU TRY TO ENTER OUR SHIP…" he raised his head archly and looked down on the Chief, shadows crawling across haughty alien features "…FROM BEHIND."
"It seemed like the safest way," said the Chief. "Maybe not the most comfortable, but still."
Darren laughed. "Ha! Foolish human. Don't you know that it's just as dangerous as using the front door!?"
"But I'm well protected," said the Chief, pointing at his armor.
Darren frowned. "You do not understand, human. The only safe way is not to enter at all!".
Eric the Jackal looked at Darren with a disturbed expression. Darren spared him a glance. "What?"
"Nothing," said Eric.
"Fine." Darren raised his sword. "I've heard enough from you and your purple harlot! It is now time for your face to die, demon."
"I think you mean, 'face your death,' bro," said Eric out of the corner of his mouth.
"You're ruining my moment!"
Eric shrugged. "Whatever. It was already ruined when you started talking about sex again for no reason."
"Fuck you man!" Darren flipped him off. "You don't own my sex life!"
"Yeah, I bet you wish I did, fag."
Fortunately this bickering allowed the Chief to make his heroic retreat, or rather to run away like a little bitch. By the time Darren and Eric reached their epically awkward silence the Chief was miles away on the other end of the ship.
"You really are a hero, Chief," said Cortana. "But you'll have to take my word for it."
"The Chief soldiered along, blowing away the Covenant as he did so. He ran across many strange things in the bowels of that Covenant ship; at one point he encountered a group of Covenant playing hopscotch, and on another occasion he crashed a very disturbing game of spin the bottle. Let's just say that the bottle wasn't just used for spinning. Hey-o!
Soon the Master Chief came upon and across while simultaneously coming into a large hanger room.
"This is the perfect place to call in reinforcements! I bet we could use 'em, eh Chief?" asked Cortana cheerfully.
"Sure, whatever," said the Chief as he killed every single alien in the room. The hanger shield doors flickered, casting blue (?) shadows on the Covenant drop ships suspended in the middle of the large room. A familiar voice came over the radio!
"Yo niggus! This is Thad the Pelican—"
The Chief interrupted him. "Shut the fuck up or I'll rip your tongue out and shove it up your ass."
"…Pilot…" A shaken Thad dropped off the rest of a small, tepid squad of Marines. "Fyi, n-nigga," he began timidly, "I picked up Oreo and Johnson. They're on board."
"One tongue ripping coming right up," said the Chief. Thad screamed, and the ship sputtered out of the hanger bay and soared off into the night, leaving Chief and the Marines to finish the job on the Truth and Reconciliation.
Cortana whistled as they watched the Pelican go, the Chief's obscene threats still echoing through the hanger bay. "God damn, Chief, the way you made him cry was pretty—"
"EDRIMIGO NOSOTROS JUEVOS SOMOS UNAS NEGROS ENAJADOS!" screamed one of the Marines at top volume right next to the Chief. Not missing a beat, the Chief turned and punched him through the face. Literally. The Marine collapsed, dead. Everyone stared.
"Hot," said Cortana. "I was going to say hot."
The Chief beckoned the rest of the Marines to come with him. "Don't worry, you'll forget what just happened in a few seconds. I know I will."
They fought their way through a couple more corridors until they came into what appeared to be the bridge of the ship.
"Fascinating," said Cortana. "It appears that the Covenant engineers decided the best place for the bridge would be right next to the cell blocks that are stuffed with enemy combatants!"
"Yes," said the Chief. "The aliens are so stupid. Unlike us, who program our A.I. to never shut up."
"Chief, I get the feeling that you're angry with me. This wouldn't have anything to do with the electrical cock and ball torture, would it?"
He ignored her. "Hey, slugs," he said, pointing to the Marines.
"Como?"
"Guard the bridge until I get back with Keyes."
"Si, senor."
The Chief bustled to the door, opened it, stepped through, and suddenly found himself in the cell blocks! Up ahead in the prison block was Captain Keyes, locked in his cell with a heretic Elite. They were playing cards.
"So what's your story?" asked the heretic to Keyes as he began to deal.
"Not muffh," said Keyes, tossing his dentures into the air, catching them, and sliding them back into his mouth. "Only hours ago I landed here in an escape pod and was ignominously captured by the wretched Covenant!
"Cool story. I'll let you in on a little secret," said the Heretic as they both looked at their cards. "The Covenant…their religious shit, the galactic domination: it's all a big cover for what they really are."
"And what's that, my good man?" asked Keyes interestedly.
"A gay sex cult."
"A gay sex cult? Zounds!" Keyes jaw dropped. "So…I'm locked in a cell. Alone. In space. With an entire ship's worth of sinful homosexuals! ALIEN sinful homosexuals!?"
The Heretic grinned. "Well," he said as he began to deal, "that's where you lucked out. I'm a Heretic because I'm straight. Besides, not everyone knows about the gay cult part. They come for the plasma grenades, stay for the plasma grenades."
"So what did you do?" asked Keyes, collecting his cards.
"I tried to start a cult of my own in a gas giant on a floating station." The Heretic shrugged. "Didn't work out, but maybe I'll try again once I'm released. On November 9th."
"That's quite a light sentence," said the Keyes. "I hope you'll have learned your lesson and maybe become a better person by then. It would be terrible if you had to be released three more times just to fix all the mistakes that were made in your second release."
You guys digging the subtle satirical subtext here?
"But at least you're not going to assault me," finished Keyes with some relief.
The Heretic laughed. "That's where you're wrong! You see, prison turns even straight men gay!" He threw his cards down, exposing a giant erection!
Dun dun DUN!
"Noooooo!" screamed Keyes as the Heretic advanced, sexually. At that moment the cell force field deactivated and the Chief burst in. He shot the Heretic in the (third) leg and pulled Captain Keyes out, turning the force field back on and locking the alien back inside where he would be forced to 'finish' his own 'fight.'
"Coming here was reckless," began Keyes. Suddenly, the two ton Spartan engulfed him in a giant bear-hug.
"Father! I mean, sir!" He gently put Keyes down. "This whole operation has been a mess; Cortana's been acting up and Johnson's become a Mandingo! But now that you're here everything will be alright!"
"My god," said the Keyes emphatically. "Uppity negros and the revenge of the rebellious kitchen girl?"
"Why did we rescue him again?" asked Cortana.
"I need him!" said the Chief. "I mean we need him. To be our father figure."
"Good man." Keyes patted the Chief on the shoulder. The Chief could hear something sloshing in the old captain's depends. "Say, where are Oreo and that fine virile negro?"
"I shot Johnson and Oreo is afraid I'm going to hurt her."
"Good man." Keyes patted him on the shoulder again.
The Chief sighed. "Thank you, sir. Well, anyways, it's time to go: we don't want any of these other imprisoned humans to wake up."
"Why don't we free them?" suggested Keyes.
"We don't want them getting their hands on grenades, sir," said the Chief sagely. "Remember what happened last time."
Keyes' face darkened. "Of course..."
So the Chief, Keyes, and Cortana went on a very violent romp back through the ship. They actually took videos of their escapades and sold them, calling them "Captain Keyes Does the Entire Crew of the Truth and Reconciliation With the Chief as Back Up as Cortana Comes from Behind." Strangely it sold best to young single men living in downtown areas, though the return rate was rather high.
Later, on the bridge, Darren the Elite stood amongst the dead and dismembered bodies of the Marines that the Chief and friends had thoughtlessly left behind. A sizzling energy sword sizzled in his hand.
He turned to Eric. "Why haven't they come through this way yet? I've been waiting for hours!"
"Oh," said Eric. "Is that why we're standing here? They're long gone by now. They must have taken the short cut from the cells, through the armory where we keep all the powerful weapons, then past the engine core where a single well-placed explosive could destroy the entire ship, and then to the hanger where we keep all the small stealth escape vessels unlocked and gassed for easy use."
"Oh, of course," said Darren. "More the fool me; I was expecting them to take the ventilation shaft in the bathroom that leads to the shield generators, then to my personal quarters, and then also to a structural weakness in the ship where a single well placed explosive can destroy everything. And then, of course, to come here. To the bridge. I am going to beat off whoever designed this ship."
"I think you mean 'beat up,'" said Eric.
"Oh," said Darren. "Right."
"Why are you looking at me like that, bro?"