Okay wow, so it's been what? A year and a half ish since I touched this fic at all, and here I am at half four in the morning totally inspired and deciding to carry on writing it, again…. I will make more of an effort to actually go on with it this time, I'm currently at least a little work free as far as University goes, so that lets me hold out some hope! Anyway! I hope you guys enjoy this newest chapter, if you're even still reading this, it finally gives a proper insight into the slightly strange reasoning of Heero Yuy.

Generic disclaimer here please! 3

As Duo slept, and Heero sat alone in the small kitchen area he was given time to reflect on the situation he had gotten himself into, and how absolutely blindingly stupid it was. How on earth had he manned to make such a massive mess of his life? It really didn't make any sense if he was totally honest, the course of action he had taken and it was at times like this, sitting alone in his darkened kitchen with the very faint sobs of his flatmate just about audible that he was forced to admit, that as far as Duo went he really had been the worlds biggest jerk. Correction, he was still being as big a jerk as ever before, and it was horrible… he just couldn't seem to stop himself now!

It was bad enough for one thing that one the day Duo had gotten up the nerve to admit to something he was obviously struggling with, feelings for his seemingly cold and heartless friend, Heero had responded as flatly as was possible that he was engaged to someone else, someone that he definitely didn't love, and someone that on no level was ever likely to make him happy. The joyous occasion was a horrible lie in its tacky lacy entirety.

With a grim expression on his face Heero let his forehead drop down onto the kitchen table as he squeezed his eyes closed. He was entirely to blame for all of this… and no excuse he could come up with would ever absolve him of the fact that he was hurting someone dearer to him than he could have imagined, he'd never thought of himself as the genuinely caring type, it wasn't really fitting in with the bravado that had been his main face during the wars, so it was rather strange noting that it had obviously been there anyway, just lurking somewhere under all his emotional armour waiting for the day when the smallest little break in it would allow it to reach out and curl onto something, onto someone… and that someone was the one person that Heero Yuy was currently in the process of putting through the worst kind of emotional torture possible… unrequited love; and Duo Maxwell definitely didn't deserve that one, not at all.

No matter how many times he tried to tell himself it was all for the best, that Duo would change him, that it could compromise his existence in the future he knew that was really just a huge pile of shit, he knew he was just making excuses to try and make his stupid petty fear driven behaviour that little bit more acceptable, and the worst part was that even he was having trouble believing that his excuses were worth the time it took to listen to them, so there was really very little chance that anyone else could understand them.

The facts were this. During the wars he and Duo had spent a rather large amount of time together and had really gotten to know each other pretty well in the long run, and there was denying that such awful feelings of stress pressure and despair, the feelings that during those troubled times they were forced, at a younger age that was really sensible to feel almost every day had cause them to rely a lot on one another, even if for some of them the reliance was not a tangible thing. Heero knew he'd been there for Duo, that Duo had cared, they'd been buddies, partners, and that was enough, that was one wholesome thing in a world of horrific torture, violence and death. Such a wonderful gift to help him through the hellish existence they all clung to, how could he not feel something for the long haired man? How could he not have come to care for him… to love him even?

That though, that right there, that… love… was where things became complicated, especially when you were pretty sure you weren't gay, or even bi, but sudden feelings made you reconsider this notion quite sharply.

Heero didn't actually want to admit he needed someone, wanting them was fine, it was when it actually caused a problem for you not to be with them that he had issues with it. He was self reliant, totally independent and entirely unwilling to shard himself and his control with anyone. So it was naturally really awful for him he day he realised he was in love with someone else… it had been easy before, living with Duo, just getting to mess around with his friend, watch bad movies, eat pizza, insist on dragging him to the gym to work the pizza off after they'd eaten it, it had been great, but that little wriggly ball of love that was cooped up inside him finally found the gap it had been looking for a broke free from Heero's emotional defences. Heero consequently found himself forced to accept the fact that whether he wanted it or not his heart was working him to care for someone and not out of pure self interest, no… not at all, in fact with Duo's lifestyle taken fully into consideration it was probably quite the opposite. Obviously nothing could be allowed to come of it, nor would it be likely to Heero had rationalised to himself, he had never really been pleasant to Duo, okay so he'd saved him a couple of times, but he'd also insulted him quote thoroughly at the same time, so he didn't feel that it was too likely that Duo would feel any need to feel fondly towards him, and with his upbringing it also seemed unlikely that Duo liked other guys, so he was safe really right?

Wrong.

The affection he felt for Duo had persisted for quite some time, niggling at him in the most irritating way, refusing to leave him a lone, and a few times he'd even caught himself watching the violet eyed young man working away at some menial task with great interest, and there had even been the awful time when Duo had wandered out of the bathroom and promptly dropped his towel having fallen over one of his own trainers… that one had taken some covering up… loose trousers tended to make an awkward tent like protrusion when one was aroused, so the lap cushion technique had had to be implemented. It was all honestly getting too much for him, but the way he felt, and his own stubbornness wouldn't let him simply take the sensible way out and tell Duo that there was a problem and that he'd probably be thinking about finding his own place that the just needed some more space, or something along those lines that while still unkind would have at least caused the other man less suffering that the path he had currently taken, but no… that wasn't Heero's style. While he was an exceptional individual in almost every sense, smart, strong, amazing in the reflex department, there was one area where Heero would be constantly found wanting… he absolutely, completely, totally and utterly failed at finding any level what so ever of social finesse.

Thus it had seemed to him that the best way out of this situation and at the time he'd thought it would cause Duo the least pain, which would have been logical had Duo not had the slight complication of loving him back of course, was to settle down elsewhere with someone else. It filled all the criteria. It got him out of the flat, it meant that he would never be able to act on his silly infatuation with his best friend and it was pretty much a binding deal, and to cap it all off he had the perfect candidate as well, Relena Peacecraft, it would be ease enough to tell everyone that he had always loved the foolish woman, he'd just have to damn himself to spending the rest of his life listening to her inane prattle. The only problem was that whenever he tried to picture himself spending the rest of his life with her it seemed all wrong, and there was that little voice in the back of his mind, which he had to admit sounded oddly like Quatre, telling him that marrying Relena would be the single biggest mistake he could make and that he'd lose far more than his problematic infatuation, and in fact, it was entirely probable that said infatuation would only worse, as they do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. At one point, he had actually started to wonder if maybe it wasn't easier just to call off the whole foolish engagement, he'd been keeping it quiet for as long as possible anyway, to allow him time to think… and it was his last chance really as the first round of invitations had just gone out… Duo had still failed to show any feelings for him really, no matter how secretly, really really secretly he might wish he would… and so it really beginning to dawn on him how stupid his idea was, how much of a waste of his perfectly good life marrying someone who irritated him to such a degree was when Duo had made him literally panic. Not outwardly of course, but inwardly…

Duo had told him he loved him. And that single action had been everything Heero had wanted to hear, and feared in the same moment. In that one sentence Duo had literally broken through all of Heero's defences leaving him longing, open and desperately wanting to do and say things he'd never thought himself of saying, in that moment Heero had realised how much he really did need Duo, the temptation to drop his plans, the ray of light it had seemed to shine on his day had just terrified him and he'd sealed his own fate, cruelly divulging his plans to Relena without a single outward show of remorse. Heartless, that's what it had been, and that's what everyone would now think he was.

Sadly though that wasn't where his cruelty had ended, as the icing to the already deplorable mess he seemed to be making of his life, Heero had pushed Duo one step further, who else would their friends expect him to ask to be best man? No one, so once again, totally thoughtlessly he'd presented Duo with that option, thinking at the time it might actually be a way of bridging the gap he was sure this was going to drive between them, and how could it not really? But realising afterwards that once again his total lack of social know how had shone through like a blinding beacon and given Duo a real stinger of a slap to the face, way to go Yuy, kick them while they're down.

"Stupid…" Heero muttered, lifting his head a little and dropping it back to the wooden surface of the table with a dull thud,

"Yuy… there are no words…" he knew talking to himself was crazy, but he figured that he was the only person who had had a hope in hell of understanding him, and as even he didn't really see his own logic any more there was little point in trying it out on anyone else. As far as it went, from where he was standing it was a totally stupid situation to have gone stumbling into and one that was likely to now prove almost impossible to get back out of. He'd almost certainly broken Duo's heart, causing him to hurt in way's that Heero had never even thought possible, it had never crossed his mind that Duo would hurt himself like he was and naturally it was entirely his, Heero's own fault that it was happening. Short of a miracle though, and calling this insanely pointless wedding off, and then hoping against logic, reason and hope that Dou would take his sorry excuse for a self back, there was nothing he could do, and that chance… well… it was anything but likely. No… if he was honest Heero deserved the discomfort of his unwanted marriage, he'd made his bed of his own volition and stupidity, and now, he reasoned getting up with the intention of going to sleep on the couch tonight, he was going to have to finally give in and sleep in it. The tears from his best friends' room had finally quieted, Duo was asleep as well and Heero could finally rest. There was no relaxing for the ex Wing pilot while Duo cried, he just couldn't seem to keep his eyes closed while the tears, hurt and pain of the guy he was, if he was honest more than a little taken with filled his senses… it was only when the night was quiet again and Duo was lost to dreams that Heero could only hope gave him some release from this new hell he was living while he slept.

And if you're reading this, you're done! Thanks so much for your time! I really hope you enjoyed this! If you could just leave a review to let me know if I did okay with this I'd appreciate it so much as once again I'm more than a little rusty!

Much love guys!

Lora