There's a thing in science fiction known as 'the Bootstrap paradox.'
The best way to put it is through a story, so imagine you have a childhood memory. You were in danger and a stranger comes to save you, however, you always wanted to know who it was, so you go back in time to observe the scene again.
However, there's a slight catch, the stranger never shows up.
You wait and you wait but he never shows, you can see yourself, the situation becoming more and more dire with each passing second, you realise that help isn't coming. So, you step in, intervene, save yourself and become the hero.
However, now the question must be asked… Who saved you? In order for you to be there, you must've been saved by yourself and for you to have been saved by yourself you must've survived that initial encounter but how could you if it rests solely on manipulation of space and time?
That is the paradox…
Denis paced around his room, running his hands through his hair as he rubbed, furiously at his eyes. Today was the day, the big day! Grandma Taylor's check-up.
In order to test the fabric of this new reality, Denis had to apply some outside knowledge to it. Grandma Taylor, Agnus Taylor, was diagnosed with a rare heart condition known as Wolf-Parkinson White. It went mostly under the radar, even by his Father but that was about to change.
If Denis could fix her heart, he would create a bootstrap Paradox. Possibly the first in history. This could either tear a hole in time and space as they knew it or, alternatively, it could give him a better standing of this new world.
With a deep breath, the Lone Wanderer stepped over to his wardrobe, snatching his doctor's coat off of it. A white lab coat, which felt like such a step down from his old duster.
He missed its weight, how important he felt when he put it on. These feelings felt so… far away now.
Why did this bother him? He had his life back and here he was getting all nostalgic over a damn coat!
It was coming up to a week since his life had returned to this state and already, he had grown complacent. He had almost forgotten the burn of irradiated water in his throat. He had almost forgotten the pain of a bullet grazing him or the cold of tweezers, digging into his wounds.
That nightmare was once his life and yet, oddly, he missed it. If only these worlds could come together, to make one perfect world of joy and adventure? Instead, he had this infernal either/or situation.
The Regulator stepped out, into the hallway, passing Butch along the way. He almost greeted him as a friend but then remembered who he was…
"Hey Butch."
"Hey… Denis! You gotta come and see me about that hair man, it's a mess!"
This got a faint chuckle out of Denis as he wondered what he had said or done to earn Butch's respect. It was difficult to tell…
"Hell, at least it doesn't look like it's been frozen in time." He shrugged, giving Butch a faint smirk as he looked to his Teddy-boy haircut. The Leather-clad Tunnel Snake just gave him the finger as he entered the Doctor's office.
"The Doctor is in!" Denis yelled, rubbing his hands together.
Jonas stepped out, giving Denis a faint grin as he shook his head, feeling a strange sense of pride from finally seeing the boy in his lab coat.
"Right, where's Grandma Taylor? Have I got time to clean my instruments?" Denis asked before looking around and seeing that the old woman was sat directly next to him, getting him to shudder a little, due to being startled.
"Ah! Good, if you'll follow me through to the operating theatre…"
"Wait… You are doing this? Alone!?" Jonas hissed as he stepped forward, stopping just short of him and looking to Mrs Taylor.
"We'll be with you shortly, please, place your things over there..."
"Is everything alright?" Agnus asked, getting a hurried nod from the two of them.
"Sorry, yeah… Slight schedule conflict. One of us will see you in a moment." Denis assured her, it did the trick as she shuffled into her corner, rather hurriedly. The two of them stood, grinning at her, like fools until she was out of earshot…
"Are you mad? You have no experience!" Jonas hissed, making sure that his back was to Grandma Taylor to avoid panicking her.
"I do have experience! I operated on a man with two broken pieces of metal on a factory floor once, with machinery screaming down my ear! I can handle this!" Denis insisted, not really appreciating Jonas' lack of faith.
"Denis, that was a dream. A dream where I was dead! You cannot be serious about using that as examples of 'experience.'"
"Why not? Even if it didn't happen, I remember how I did it. Isn't that was experience is?"
"What if it's nothing like that?"
"Then I'll have you and Dad on standby, I guess." Denis shrugged as he looked over to Grandma Taylor.
"Okay, Miss Taylor, if you can… undress, that would be great."
"It's been a long time since a young man requested that of me… Is it…. I mean, you know what you're doing, right?"
"Of course." Denis shrugged, leaning against the wall.
"Seriously, it'll be over in the blink of an eye and that's just for me. For you? You won't even have blinked."
The Elderly woman laughed as she wriggled out of her jumpsuit, which elegantly slid off of her wrinkly shoulders. As he looked at her, he found himself wincing, looking away.
Sat up, arm suspended by her side… She looked JUST like Paladin Cross as she took her dying breath, lay against the wall as she went into shock. He arm lay completely limp by her side blood dribbling all over it as her lip trembled furiously, trying to utter final words, words of meaning but failing to get anything out.
Did that woman exist? Was her kindness merely a story inside Denis' head? The blood on his hands, the blood that he still sees, whenever he looks at them, is that a story as well?
There's the age old question; 'who dreams the dreamer?' and yes, Denis was the dreamer but that didn't bother him, it bothered him that all of the lives lost, saved, the lessons learned they were just the dream. They could've been anyone, anything…
Money found on a bench, a dead relative sat in the corner of the room and living on like they always did or even something insane that evades all logical reasoning.
These were lives, human lives. This was Denis' life and it was all a lie! He walked through hell, he called hell 'home' and now? Now he was homesick…
'Hellsick'
He missed the living lie…
Denis stepped into his quarters, sighing heavily and dropping onto a couch, with Grandma Taylor making a recovery in the medical wing, Denis had nothing to worry about. He was ready to call it a day…
When was the last time he called it a day? Couldn't even remember… Here, he had nothing to do but sit there, vegetating on the couch and thinking of his day.
No wonder so many people became addicted to pain killers before the war.
"Denis?" Amata asked as she stepped out of her room, her jumpsuit had been unzipped and had rolled down her back, the arms of it were tied up around her waist, leaving her in her undershirt. Her exposed stomach showed the slightest hint of a bump, Denis' bump…
"You're home early… Is everything okay?"
Denis couldn't help but smile as he glanced to it, his child… two words he never thought he'd hear.
"Hmm? Oh, yeah." He assured her, rising to his feet.
"Just did some surgery. Just some radiofrequency catheter ablation, pretty… basic, boring shit really. How was your day?" He asked, cutting his ramblings short.
"Heh… You always did that… back when we were kids, you'd always try to sound clever." Amata pointed out, with a smirk.
"Then act like it's nothing."
"Well, it is nothing." Denis shrugged.
"I am clever."
"Then how come I outsmarted you?" Amata asked, moving in a little closer.
"I always find a way to…"
"I let you." The Regulator said, matter-of-factly.
"If I lose to you, you'll likely get excited and have your way with me. Win-Win."
"Oh? What if next time you lose, you end up sleeping on the couch?" Amata asked, with a rather dark grin.
"I wouldn't mind that, couch, bed… engine room. Whenever you want to have your way with me, I'm always happy to receive it."
Amata lost it a little, giggling softly to herself as she backed away.
"It's been quite… Lonely today. I'd leave the house but I don't know where to go or what to do and my Dad insists on having guardsmen watch me like hawks to make sure nothing happens. It honestly drives me insane!"
"You can't blame him… He lost your mom, didn't he?" Denis pointed out, taking a seat on the couch.
"My Dad would be the same… If he had guards and if I allowed it. Well, not so much allow more… if the guards didn't end up going back to him with nothing to report, because they were knocked out for three hours." Denis paused.
"I'd have fun with 'em… Knock them out, put them in a locker in an awkward position and leave them to sort it out."
Amata cackled, taking a seat next to him as she put her arm around the back of his neck.
"I take it that Mister Kendal would get a mouth full?"
"Dunno, depends where I decide to put him." The Regulator shrugged as Amata moved in a little closer, chuckling a little more.
"It's… So good to have you back…"
"Back?" Denis asked, quickly looking back down to her.
"Did I… Go somewhere?"
"Yeah… In your head you did. I honestly thought I'd made a mistake that you'd be in prison for the rest of your life but… thankfully everything is… looking brighter than ever. You're ten times the man I thought you were…"
Denis paused, sighing heavily as he rested his cheek on her forehead, glancing up to the ceiling.
"You know… In my dream? We weren't married…"
"Oh? We had a spat?" Amata asked, slowly closing in the gap between them as she cuddled up to the Lone Wanderer.
"Yeah… You could say that. You exiled me, oh, you were the overseer by the way."
"Overseer? Wait, why'd I exile you?" She asked, quickly looking up at him.
"Erm… Long story… My Dad left the vault, opening the door let roaches inside, they killed people, everyone blamed me and you kicked me out to avoid the stigma."
"Wow… I'm a bitch." Amata sighed, slowly moving away and sitting up straight.
"Tell me you punched me in the face."
Denis smiled at her as he leant back, looking her directly in the eyes as his hand wrapped around her's, being mindful of the Pipboy dial.
"I could never do that…"
"Not even with permission?"
"Nope, not even then."
She paused, glancing back to their bedroom again before rising to her feet and gently tugging at Denis' hand.
"We should… Get to bed, get up early and… Well, go out for breakfast, enjoy ourselves for once, y'know?"
Denis nodded, seeming rather happy with that idea as he rose to his feet, giving her the most slightest of smiles.
"I'll be with you in a moment." He assured her, getting her to nod as she walked off, leaving Denis alone in the living room. He went straight to the bathroom and stepped inside, kicking the door shut behind him as he wandered over to the mirror.
He opened the cabinet and immediately grabbed at the tooth paste, slamming the cabinet shut again as he reached for his toothbrush. He stared at his reflection as he grasped at it, however, his reflection quickly faltered as his ears became overwhelmed by a chime.
His face became far more weathered, far grimier and he had a full beard and incredibly messy hair. He wasn't wearing a doctor's coat anymore but a tattered, old brown duster and his skin was somewhat rougher, with a deep scar jutting out of his hairline.
He froze as he heard the chimes, followed by a wince inducing buzzer sound, which made him stumble back, finding himself unable to pick up the tooth brush as he stumbled back. His reflection returned to normal and he found that reality had returned to normal.
Whatever normal was…
Denis took several deep breaths as his attention slowly lifted back up to the mirror. He swallowed hard as he saw himself grow more and more pale by the second.
No… Please no…