"To Be Alone"
3:
It had been two days since you and Jane had wound up in bed together. Two days where she acted as if everything was fine and that nothing had changed or happened between you. She hadn't addressed it since waking that morning after.
You had been absentmindedly running your fingers through her dark curls, not realizing that she was beginning to stir. You looked down at her in time to see the confusion flash across her face at where she was, and then, slowly, the anguish. Much to your heart's dismay. You didn't know if it was because of what you'd done together or the fact that now she faced what could be a very awkward conversation with you. It didn't really matter; you'd been content upon waking and upon seeing Jane's open eyes you had felt uneasy.
She hadn't really said much, as you both awkwardly entangled from one another and dressed in silence, and then she'd suggested she make breakfast. To which you obliged, not really sure if it was because you were actually hungry or because you just needed some air, away from the tense fog that had seemed to settle between you both.
Luckily, that fog had lifted by the time you had gotten ready for work and ventured out to the smell of scrambled eggs and turkey bacon. And that fog hadn't settled upon you two since then, but that, you figured, was due to the fact that Jane was avoiding being alone with you as if she would catch the plague. And despite your efforts to do otherwise and get her to talk, she had been very successful at making sure there was always at least one other person around.
Until now, that is. You smirked smugly to yourself as you peered into the Division One Café and saw Jane standing alone, refilling her coffee cup. There was no one else within hearing distance of her, the waitress on duty, Clarise, was on the other end of the café wiping down tables. It was getting late in the afternoon, around 4, and most on duty were getting ready to punch out for the day.
You took this opportunity for what it was and strode into the café confidently, much more confidently than you felt, and sidled up next to Jane, bumping your shoulder to hers playfully, "Hi, Jane."
She jumped, almost spilling her coffee down the front of her t-shirt before turning to look at you wearily, "Hi." You noticed the slight bags under her eyes, despite not having a case, and how she looked at you as if you were a predator and she was the prey.
"I was just passing by and… I noticed you," You stepped a half step away from her in the hopes that it would help to calm her nerves, "And I think we need to talk."
"…About what?" She brought her coffee cup to her lips, trying to hide her unease. Jane never was one for talking about emotions or conflicts. It usually came to this – you prying information out of her.
"Jane," You tilted your head slightly, crossing your arms in front of your chest, "I think you already know what."
Jane sighed then, running a hand through her curls (just like she always did when she was nervous), and glanced around, "Okay, but not here." She grabbed your elbow gently and led you to the elevator. She punched the button and the doors slid open. Without a word, she ushered you inside and then pushed the button to temporarily shut down the elevator, basking both of you in pale light coming from the emergency light above.
"Look, Maura-."
"Jane, I-." You both began speaking at the same time. You laughed, breaking some of that familiar fog that settled over you again. "Jane…" She let you begin, as she'd found a thread at the hem of her shirt that was suddenly fascinating. You reached your hand out and covered hers, "You know we couldn't avoid this forever."
She looked up at you, her eyes catching yours and she smiled shyly, "Yeah, yeah… You're right. I know. I'm sorry, Maur."
"Sorry for what, Jane?"
"For all of this," she waved her hand around in the air, "For kissing you, multiple times, for sneaking out of your place that one night," She cringed, realizing how badly that sounded, and you smiled at her, encouraging her to continue, "And… for getting so drunk that we ended up in bed together. I'm just… I'm sorry."
You pulled her hand into yours, lacing your fingers together. Your eyebrows furrowed and you stared at your interlaced hands quietly for a moment, "I'm not sure I understand."
Over the past few days, you've given a lot of thought to the matter. After you and Jane made love, you'd thought long and hard about what she meant to you. You'd already come to the conclusion that you were sexually attracted to her, but upon further inquiry found that there were many times when you'd thought yourself to be attracted to more than that. You'd realized that many of your encounters resulted in flirting, from both parties, and that was undeniable. Especially now, as she stood before you, you felt a pull at your heart and a sinking feeling in your gut at her words, she was sorry? But for what? For having kissed you? For having made love to you?
"I'm sorry, Maura, that I let all of this happen. I mean, I don't know why I kissed you the first time, even. I never should have done that, and even now, I don't know how you feel about all of that," she waved her hand around again, dismissively, as she prattled on, tugging harder and harder at your sinking heart with each word, "I'm sorry. We should just forget it ever happened. I value your friendship too much to let it come between us, Maur."
"I… Don't want to forget it, Jane. It happened and we were both willing participants. Maybe not for the first kiss, but when we made love, were you not there? Because I was!" Hot tears pricked your eyes, your emotions coming so hard and fast that you couldn't hold them back with the usual wall you erected to prevent scenarios like this. "I was there! And I don't know about you, Jane, but these past few weeks have been so confusing for me. At first I was hurt, not because you kissed me, but because you kissed me and then fled… with just a note telling me you're sorry. Maybe you should stop being sorry, Jane, and actually talk to me before making up my mind for me." You deflated slightly upon seeing her dejected face. Her shoulders had slumped considerably and she looked as if she was worn out. You frowned, tugging her closer to you. You gently tucked an errant curl behind her ear and stroked her cheek softly, "Jane, I don't want to forget this."
"If…," she began tentatively, as though she were choosing her words carefully, "We don't forget this, then… what does that mean, Maura?" She flicked her eyes up to meet yours and held your gaze. The depth and questioning in her eyes caused you to hitch your breath.
You paused a moment, just drinking her in, before you replied, "It means we explore this. Would that be something you want, Jane?" You continued stroking her cheek, the soft skin just in front of her ear, and leaned closer to her so that now your noses brushed one another.
"I…Yeah," she breathed out, eyes now focused solely on your lips.
You nodded, closing the distance and capturing her lips with yours in a soft kiss. Pulling away, you smiled, "Okay, then we'll take it one step at a time."
She smiled back, her eyes livening up as she did so, and she closed the gap once more.