Fresh out the keyboard, kiddies.

For all y'all out there who waited so (im)patiently for the next installment of this.

You will be glad to know that the first draft of the novel is nearly finished and, when it is, I'll be taking a break from any sort of serious writing so I can perhaps get back into some fun time writing, i.e. stuff like this.

Who knows, I may even get some fictions actually finished.

Reviews are love and please ignore any mistakes I missed.

Just Because I Defended Your Honour Doesn't Mean I Like You

"Stop sulking."

Cuddy looked up from her perusal of the scratches on the kitchen table and snorted at him.

"You're hardly one to talk." She sniped back at him. She settled Katy more comfortably in the crook of one arm and absently held her bottle for her. She was beginning to outgrow the formula, she'd have to be started on solids soon.

"Yeah, eggs is a good start." House agreed and Cuddy realised suddenly that she'd spoken aloud. Geez, good thing she hadn't been thinking anything private. "I mean it, brighten up a little, you're harshing on my mellow."

"You don't even have a mellow." She glared at him. Her head was beginning to throb. Her arm still hurt and she had the slightest limp because her battered knee was still swollen. She also had a rather nice rainbow hued bruise marring on side of her face. She wondered if she should maybe take House up on that offer of an MRI…but she didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

Cleaver. Nose. Fuck you, face.

Cuddy scowled at herself and regretted it when another ouchie bloomed in her skull.

"I do. It's usually post coital but, since you're not being very helpful in that area, you'll have to make do with what you can get." House cracked an egg on the side of the jug and slopped it inside with three others. He splashed milk over the top and beat it into submission with a fork. Then he upended the entire mess into the pan. He bent to check the bacon under the grill then dropped four slices of bread into the toaster.

Cuddy blinked.

"You're being domestic." This was just a little too much for her hampered cognitive capacities to take in. "Where are my car keys?" She tried again. "And my purse?"

"You know, I can't rightly remember." House was scribbling the spatula through the eggs with an apparent deep satisfaction.

She scowled at his back. He'd taken them. Stolen them and hidden them. Without them, she couldn't leave. He refused to drive her. Without her car keys she couldn't take herself and without her purse she couldn't pay for a cab.

Apparently, he had her over a barrel. She was stuck here with him.

Incongruously, the first thing he had done with this newfound power over her was to park her in a chair at the table in the kitchen and start breakfast preparations. He hadn't asked her what she wanted (a growing habit of his) he'd just started on enough food to feed a small army.

She had to admit that the eggs and bacon did smell good.

She watched as he limped to the fridge and hauled it open to peruse the contents. She noticed that he had a lot of food. She had somehow expected six packs and some interesting moulds, but not the masses of food the fridge was practically groaning with. There was even fruit and veg, several bottles of formula ready for nuking in the microwave and a large plastic sealed wedge of ham. He hauled that out and slapped it onto the counter by the hob.

Katy hiccupped and Cuddy pulled the empty bottle from her and settled the infant up over her shoulder to burp her. Katy obliged and then willingly settled into Cuddy's arms for a post breakfast doze.

Cuddy was struck then by the surreal quality her life had taken on in the last week and it had nothing to do with her head wound.

Last week, she had wanted to maim House a lot more than she had ever wanted to talk to him. She hadn't spent every third thought dwelling on how good he smelled or the way his eyes hooded when he watched her and thought she wasn't looking. She hadn't known that he could still curl her toes with a single kiss. She hadn't known Katy either, or loved her, or imagined that she would be sitting right here, right now, in an apparently blissful scene of domesticity.

The weirdest thing was probably the breakfast.

She hadn't even known he could cook.

"Just because I don't usually do something doesn't mean I can't." House informed her. "I can be civil and polite, but where's the fun in that?" He sliced ham neatly and layered it next to the bacon on the grill. Cuddy could feel her cholesterol rising from across the room.

Cuddy was beginning to realise that she kept saying what she was thinking. Sometimes without realising it, and that was a big problem. Now she not only had to watch what she said around him, but what she thought too.

Oy vey.

"So, whadya wanna do today, boss?" House scrubbed the spatula through the scrambling eggs and she found herself absorbed in the lines of his back.

"I want to go to work."

"Okay, what do you want to do that I'm going to let you do?" House rephrased and she glared at his shoulders. "You're not going to the hospital so you can get over that right now."

"Fine." She went back to sulking. Her head was still pounding, her elbow ached and she didn't even want to think about what her face actually looked like. She searched for some safe activity that she could do. Something that would distract her from him and be useful at the same time.

Now what could…ah. That would have to do, she supposed.

"Christmas shopping." She blurted and he turned to look at her.

"Really?" He took the eggs off the heat and switched off the grill. Slathering butter over the toast, he continued. "Already?"

"It's only a month away."

"Christmas shopping is for Christmas Eve." He told her sagely. "You do Christmas?"

"You do gifts?"

He turned back to the breakfast and seemed to tense for a moment.

"It's been a while. I think I remember how."

"Well, it's different now that you've got Katy." She pointed out.

"She doesn't know what Christmas is." House started plating up breakfast. "To her, it's just another day. Same as me."

"Kids should have Christmas." Cuddy glared at him. It was a rule. Well, if it wasn't then it should be. "She deserves a tree and fairy lights and baubles and carols and presents. The more ludicrously expensive the better."

"It's just a stupid holiday invented by Coca Cola. The original Santa wasn't even red!"

"Fine. Give her the Christmas you think she should have, but she still gets one." Cuddy dared him to refute her.

House rattled the plates onto the table, lifted Katy from Cuddy's arms as if in punishment and then took his seat opposite her. He shovelled food into his mouth, to avoid talking to her, and Cuddy daintily picked at her own heaped plate of food. She was wary about letting her guard down…but then the food did smell very good and she was very hungry. She ate, keeping an eye on him, and mentally plotted on how she could escape to the hospital at the soonest opportunity.

She needed to do some damage control. She had no doubt that his claims of having told all and sundry that she had stayed here last night and that she was still there to recover from the wild night were completely true and not exaggerated in the slightest.

The cretin.

She mulled it over some more. Perhaps she could just sail in tomorrow like nothing had ever happened. She was good at that, putting on a face for things. It wasn't like anyone would really believe him, it wasn't the first time that he'd started rumours about them. Hell, she'd bet money was being exchanged at the water coolers right now. Cuddy frowned again but stopped the motion just in time before she got to the blinding pain stage again. It occurred to her that her staff should probably have better and more important things to be doing other than betting on her sex life or lack thereof.

It also occurred to her that she'd have a better chance of stopping the tides than she would stopping her staff gossiping.

"What are you doing for Christmas, then? Since you've evidently converted in the last five minutes." House was finishing his plate of food and looked pointedly at Cuddy, she wasn't even halfway through hers.

"I've not converted, I just believe in a seasonal celebration that isn't necessarily dictated by any other calendar or particular religious ideology." Cuddy told him primly and ate some more eggs. They really were very good. Was that chilli sauce?

"Translation; you don't want to have to leave the hospital short staffed over the holidays so you selflessly sacrificed your time in order to pander to that building." House told her dryly and she glared at him.

"When I take my vacation time is none of your business."

"Making it my business. You're spending the holidays with me." He shifted Katy in his hold when she grumbled and squirmed.

"I am not!" Her fork clattered onto the plate. "Just because you shoehorned your way into my Thanksgiving weekend does NOT mean that you can take over any more of my free time. I see enough of you as it is." She angrily went back to her food and missed the brief flash of emotion across his face. Had she been paying attention, she might even have been able to identify it.

"Hey, it was you that wanted a non-denomination festive celebration for the sprog. I must confess that I have absolutely no idea what that entails, so you're going to have to show me." He smirked at her. "Katy's emotional wellbeing is at stake."

Cuddy settled for another glare and decided not to dignify that with a response.

"Do you really think that I've matured enough in the last week or so to be left alone with a sprog for a whole holiday by myself?" House smiled at her in a 'I've got you now' manner.

"No." Cuddy admitted and then slipped on a smirk of her own. "But Christmas is a month away, that's lots of time for you to start acting your age rather than your shoe size." She smiled at him brightly and clattered her cutlery onto her now empty plate. She rose and deposited it in the sink before relieving House of Katy and heading for the living room. "We're going to watch the news, have fun with the dishes!"

House looked about himself and then scowled.

Foxed.

He glared after her for a moment and then decided that he might as well just get it over with. He levered himself up out of his chair and started clattering dishes about the place.

"Don't break anything!"

He hunched his shoulders against the imperious order from the living room and plotted on how to get his revenge.

She wanted to Christmas shop? Fine.

That didn't mean he had to make it easy for her.

$inister $cribe

"For the love of…" Cuddy choked herself off and turned to glare at him while she heaved in a restraining breath. "What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing." House gritted and clenched his hand on the head of his cane. He was toting the BBoBT over his shoulder and ignoring the extra strain on his leg as best he could. He had been content to watch Cuddy parade around with Katy pushed in the suped up four by four pram (which had damn near cost more than his CAR) and to trail after her while she picked up a bunch of stuff, that would be received by the intended recipient with a fake smile before being relegated to the back of the nearest closet and promptly forgotten about, and he'd even decided that he would spring for lunch since he had only allowed her plastic from her purse with which to pay for said useless purchases.

What he could not handle was if he got another look.

Cuddy, despite exhibiting none of the psychological signs of a battered woman, definitely looked the part. The bruises were still livid across her face, the bandage on her elbow showed under the sleeve of her top and her limp was fairly evident, even under the long skirt she wore.

And, in every single store they had been into that day, people had taken one look at Cuddy and then one long look all the way up to House's full towering height before giving him a look or staring daggers at his cane and even going so far on one occasion as to try and trip him up. Muttering obscenities at him as he stumbled.

The fact that he was far worse off than Cuddy in both the pain and limping stakes appeared to mean absolutely squat.

Cuddy, being a non-battered woman, was completely sodding oblivious. She sailed through the stores without a hitch, laughing and cooing at Katy and enjoying herself immensely.

Which almost made it worth it.

Almost.

She didn't even catch an inkling of what was going on until the last store they visited before lunch. She was picking up Christmas tree baubles of all things and locked in an animated conversation with the clerk behind the counter before finally realising that she did not have his full attention. She had seen him looking intently at her face just a second ago and then her arm…and then at House. Cuddy's eyes narrowed as she added it all up and got a conclusion that she didn't like in the slightest.

Oh, hell no.

She fumed silently for a second and considered what to do about this. It was his own fault, he had banned her from going inside her house for more than the time it took her to get fresh clothes. She hadn't had time for lip-gloss, never mind the time consuming task of covering the damage to her face. At least the swelling had gone down, the pain had subsided thanks to House's impromptu Vicodin prescription and all she was left with was a nicely hued rainbow face.

Still, he was suffering here. Other people were antagonising him…

…and that was her job.

Cuddy hit upon a malevolent idea.

She asked the clerk to wrap her things up and waited for him to turn away to find boxes before enacting her plan. She sidled towards House and ignored the sideways look he shot her.

His Cuddy-dar was going off big time, usually this kind of spike immediately precluded her latest scheme to get him into clinic, but she seemed the picture of innocence…for now.

She stepped even closer under the pretence of looking more closely at the snow globes that House was methodically upsetting to cause entire neighbourhood white outs in miniature. She didn't stop until she was plastered against his side her hand skating up over his back to slide her fingers over the nape of his neck, toying with the baby soft hair there. She heaved a sigh, her breasts rubbing against his arm and having him fumble for his latest snow globe when he nearly dropped it. She traced her tongue over her lips and took her time about it, making sure that she had his -and the clerk's- complete and undivided attention.

"I'm hungry." She told him on a breathy purr and House went ramrod straight at the effect that had on him. His jaw clenched and Cuddy noticed the clerk try and look anywhere but at them.

"We can go for lunch next if you want." House smiled at her uncertainly. He hadn't quite figured out what was going on yet. Not that he didn't relish Cuddy plastered up against him like white on rice, but he knew she didn't have impure motivations at heart.

"Not for food." Her voice dropped a little and he gulped. She slid in front of him, sandwiching herself between him and the counter. Her hand fisted in his tee shirt and yanked him a little closer still. "I missed you last night. I feel all tense. You wouldn't take me because of possible concussion. You know, you looking after me, all concerned and attentive was such a turn on." She rubbed herself against him a tiny bit. She was beginning to enjoy herself. Apparently it wasn't as fun for him once his own game was turned against him.

"Well…that'll learn you not to try and break the floor with your face." He said after a long moment of hard swallowing.

"I know, a little stupid of me, I'll look before leaping next time." Her fingers walked up over his chest and stroked in little circles over the exposed skin of his collar bones. "Besides, I want to make it up to you. Everybody's been staring at you, thinking you did this." She raised her voice a little and gestured at her face. She went up on her toes. "I want to show you my…appreciation for putting up with it."

"People thinking that I beat you up?" He sounded both offended and incredulous. He was playing along, oh good. She knew damn well that he had been fully aware to all the wild conclusions people had been jumping to. She leant back against the counter, tilting her pelvis with the movement so they were flush against each other. She grinned when she felt how into her character he was getting.

"How absurd," he choked, "much more likely that you'd beat me with my own cane. I wouldn't even be able to run away." He was beginning to sweat now and she grinned smugly to herself.

"Excuse me, that'll be fifty dollars seventy five cents." The clerk spoke tremulously behind her and Cuddy turned to see him, bending over the counter, still jammed up against House. He made a tiny strangled noise and looked to the ceiling as if it would help him out somehow.

"Here." She held out her card to him and noticed that House still hadn't moved away from being crammed up against her like they were. People were beginning to stare. Well, let them, she was feeling puckish. She waited patiently while her payment was made and then took the card back from the clerk, speaking casually.

"You know, assumptions are kind of like bombs." She slid the card into her shirt under her bra strap and bared her teeth at him. "Dangerous to make because they habit of blowing up in your face if you're wrong. Women have accidents too, you moron." She straightened up and pushed Katy's pram out of the store, reaching back to snag House by his tee shirt and tow him out after her.

"Come on, honey, we've not pulled a nooner in a whole week."

House, for his part, waved at the clerk with a huge grin on his face and followed his woman out of the store. He removed her hand from his shirt and took it in his own. Content to play along with the illusion so long as it gave him the excuse to touch her. She didn't pull away from him until they reached the restaurants at the food court.

He let her pick what they were going to have, dutifully took the pram so she could carry the tray and followed her obediently to the table. He had the same grin on his face, equal parts mischievous and lecherous, throughout. She caught the expression and frowned at him.

"What?"

"You just defended my honour."

"Did not." She denied it smoothly. "You don't have any honour to defend."

"The sentiment remains the same."

"There's no sentiment between us whatsoever." She muttered into her salad, clearly regretting her decision.

"So why did you do it?"

"I was feeling puckish." She grumbled and relented after long moments under the weight of his arched look. "Fine. They were making you miserable. More than usual, that is, and that's my job. No one gets to bully you but me." She finished and leaned over to check on Katy sleeping innocently in the pram. She looked back at him when she realised he was still staring at her.

"Get over it."

"Hey, I'm just impressed with the performance." He picked up a French fry and chomped it enthusiastically. "Worthy of a Golden Globe. I want you to know, even though I'm sitting down, I'm giving you a standing ovation." He winked at her and she rolled her eyes. "It saddens me that you're not a method actress." He grinned at her when her mind processed that and a flush crawled up over her neck towards her bruised cheeks.

"Don't expect more where that came from." She sniffed at him. "It was a one time thing. Don't mistake it for any actual feelings on my part."

"Uh-huh." He drawled at her and she frowned at him.

"Just because I defended you doesn't mean that I like you."

"Uh-huh." He leaned forward on his elbows and grinned even wider at her. "It does mean something though, doesn't it?"

Cuddy rocked back in her chair and looked at him with wide eyes.

She didn't have an answer for that.