It has arrived! I told you I'd write it! Oh, I like this idea muchly!

NO! THE PLOT BUNNIES! THEY'VE COME TO EAT MY SOUL!

Severus Snape hated Albus Dumbledore.

He did. Never mind the headmaster's kindness, or second chances, or understanding… curse Albus, his infernal ideas and his lemon drops to the deepest, darkest pit of hell.

In case you haven't noticed already, Severus was angry.

Albus, in all his brilliance and good intentions, had ordered Severus to pick up the bratty Boy-Who-Most-Unfortunately-Lived from his doting relatives. Severus' face contorted into an even deeper scowl as he remembered.

"Ah, Severus! Lemon drop?"

"Albus," Severus growled, "Do you honestly think I would except? Have I ever, in my long career at Hogwarts, eaten one of your lemon drops?"

Albus waved an airy hand. "Things may change. Now, I need you to conduct a bit of school business – giving a student their Hogwarts letter and taking them shopping in Diagon Alley."

Severus stared incredulously at Albus. After it became apparent that the latter had no intention to break the silence, he spoke in a hushed, tense voice. "Are you mad?"

"Really, Severus, it is quite necessary."

"But… Minerva! Hagrid! Even Quirrel, for Merlin's sake."

"Minerva is currently doing the same for a Ms. Granger, Hagrid has been injured while attempting to raise a Chimera, and we both know that Quirrel cannot be trusted with such an important job."

Severus scowled even deeper – the old fool was right, curse him. And he had an obligation, both as Head of Slytherin and debtor to Albus.

"Fine," he snarled.

"Excellent! Here, place your hand on this portkey." Severus sighed gloomily and placed one finger delicately on top of the lemon-drop-turned-portkey with an air of touching deceased carrion.

"Wait, Albus, who am I visiting?" Severus asked quickly.

"Harry Potter," Albus chuckled, and a blue light whisked Severus away.

Remembering, Severus glowered. That infernal, meddling coot! He knew of his hatred for James Potter, and of other, more delicate reasons for disliking any spawn of his and Lily Evans. Curse him!

Severus came up to a seashore, the locating charm still pointing resolutely outward, to a tiny, dilapidated island, if he wasn't mistaken.

"Muggles," he scoffed, levitating himself easily over the waves. Joining the Death Eaters had been a terrible mistake, but he had learned a few useful tricks. He grimaced as his feet set down on the damp rock – a loathsome, rickety place. What in the world were the muggles doing here? He raised a fisted hand and knocked three times on the rotting door, wishing he could simply barge in, take the boy, go shopping, and leave. But Albus would be upset if the pleasantries were not observed…

There was a shuffling sound from inside the hut, and a stupid voice said dimly, "Where's the cannon?" Stupid Potter. Tiring of standing in the rain – did the muggles have no manners? – he unlocked the door with a flick of his wand and stepped inside. Two muggle boys were immediately visible: a great lard lump on the couch and a scrawny, pitiful thing on the floor. Just like Potter, really, to grow fat and lazy, shunting his cousin off to the floor… his was probably the stupid voice Severus had heard earlier.

"Who's there? I warn you, I'm armed!" The terrified voice drew his attention to two older muggles on the stairs – a loutish man carrying a gun and Lily's sister, Petunia. He grimaced – she had been a nasty, jealous shrew and, judging by her expression, the years had not changed that. Severus ignored them and turned to the fat boy.

"Mr. Harry Potter," he sneered.

"I – I'm not Harry," he stuttered. Severus frowned, and turned his attention to the scrawny whelp on the floor. Now that he looked, the brat did have a certain air of Potter… if Potter had ever been that skinny.

"Who are you?" the boy said very quietly, peering up at him through round, taped glasses. Severus sighed… the boy knew nothing.

"I am Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts."

"Not another word!" the lout with the gun yelled. Severus vanished it easily.

"Whyever not?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. Honestly, the brat's relatives were maddeningly overprotective.

"He's not going!" the muggle spluttered. Severus cast him a disdainful glance and turned back to Potter, who was gaping at him. "What, boy?" he asked sharply.

"How did you do that?" whispered Potter.

"Magic, of course."

"But… magic's not real." Potter's brow furrowed, as though he were honestly confused.

"Yes, it is," Severus snarled, tiring of pointless conversation, "And you are a wizard."

"Not another word!" Petunia shrieked, speaking for the first time.

"What?" the boy said, face shocked.

"Shut up! We swore… when he was dumped on our doorstep, we swore we'd put a stop to that nonsense. With your freak parents, we knew you'd be the same, just as strange… just as abnormal! Off darling, perfect, freakish Lily went to that horrid school and came home every summer, pockets full of frog spawn, turning teacups into rats! But with my parents, no, she could do no wrong! Then she met that wastrel Potter, and they got themselves blown up, and we got landed with you."

Potter had turned very white; Severus' mind was churning. Surely Potter had grown up spoiled, but with that rant, it seemed unlikely.

"Blown up?" he stuttered out, "You told me my parents died in a car crash!" Severus froze. How dare these muggles dishonor Lily by lying about her death.

"A car crash?" he said venomously, "A car crash, kill Lily Evans? How dare you. Petunia, she was your sister." His quiet, livid words hit the couple as hard as blows – with each syllable, Petunia flinched.

"But what happened?" Potter asked urgently. Severus looked into green eyes… how unfair, that Potter's whelp would have Lily's eyes.

"I don't know if I am the right person to tell you… but you cannot go off to Hogwarts without knowing." Severus stared into the fire, face pensive. "It begins, I suppose, with a very, very Dark wizard. No one speaks his name… he was called Lord Voldemort." Severus spat the name like a poison. "He grew in power… and then, one day, on Halloween, he turned up at the Potter's house, and…" Severus was lost in bitter recollections of how he had as good as killed Lily, him and that idiot Black… "He killed Lily and James Potter. And then he turned to you. But you survived." He turned to Potter, wanting to blame him for it, but he looked so small and lost that Severus could not find it in him.

"And here, your Hogwarts letter." He held out the manila envelope and, with shaking fingers, Harry Potter took it.

Yes, this shall be continued! I need way more angst than this to be satisfied… Reviews are nice, but don't feel obligated. I write to get it out of me and to enjoy it, not for the appreciation. Mwa ha ha ha ha! Crazy laugh for no good reason!