Chapter 3- Hold on, it gets better than you know

"Oh Howard, thanks for holding me. I really need it right now." Emily began.

With so much worry, and having an achy back it was comforting to have Howard there holding her when she needed to lye down. He was happy to be of help and as always enjoyed his time with Emily, but he was also acutely aware that he was in his best friend's bed, holding his pregnant wife. He worried a jealous Bob would come back to harm him for being in Emily's bed with her, even though he realized that it was a completely irrational notion. Emily, on the other hand, lye back in Howard's arms with her eyes closed, pretending, though not trying to truly fool herself into thinking, that things were different and Bob was there with her.

Almost five months had passed and Emily couldn't believe how time was flying. Birth was still a few months away but it was encroaching upon her. She was worried about so many things beyond how to survive emotionally. First and foremost was how she was going to take care of a newborn: she didn't know how and had figured before all this happened that she and Bob could do it together without question...but her alone? Her mother-in-law had quickly solved her second problem of childcare while she was working, by offering to care for the baby when she was at school, a solution Emily was thrilled she could depend on.

And then there was her third problem, which would solve its self. But she needed to talk about it first, and unfortunately she only felt comfortable discussing it with Bob. It concerned the birth its self: she was scared to death. She didn't know much about having a baby, but she knew husbands usually went in these days…and she didn't want to do it alone. Her doctor had told her to choose a friend to come in with her, maybe a girlfriend like Carol or her Mom…but none of those choices felt right to her.

"Ooh." Emily winced suddenly. "What was that?"

"Emily! Do you know what that was?!" Howard burst excitedly.

"No. It felt really funny."

"He kicked."

"He kicked? That's what it feels like?"

"Yeah, and it was a really strong one too, you should feel proud."

"Oh Howard!" She cried.

"Emily, it's going to be okay." He soothed, kissing her cheek. Emily could get upset at the drop of a hat lately. He thought the emotional rollercoaster must be miserable for her.

"I know, I…it's just that. The baby seems to be getting more and more real every day...growing into a big responsibility, you know I…I'm scared I'm not going to do this right."

"Bob would be really proud, especially to see you now. You're brave Emily. And of course you'll do this right. You'll be a great Mom." Howard complimented, placing his palm on Emily's stomach again.

"Thank you Howard. And thank you for holding the baby and me. Bob always said if we got pregnant, he'd spend evenings cradling our unborn baby just like this. And I wish I could feel him do it." She wanted to share the kick with Bob, not Howard but was happy to have someone to share it with.

"I know." He said.

"And I don't know what I'm going to do. How I'm going to work and raise a baby. How anything's going to work. He needs a father Howard and I'm not exactly looking to find another husband."

"Well…I'm a Daddy and Emily, I'd like to lend my services."

"Awe Howard!"

"I'd like to be there for the little guy or girl, every single day. Be counted on for, for everything you ask a Dad to do. Be the Daddy for the milestones…for walking, for riding a bike, little league…or ballet if it's a girl…and finally, the talk." Howard cleared his throat. "You know, if he's a boy." She giggled at this last part. "I want to do it because I love Bob and I love this baby and I love you Emily."

"I love you too Howard. And I accept. I'd love for you to be my baby's Daddy and Bob would love it too." A-actually, there's a degree of Bob that really wouldn't.

"I promise I'll do a great job Emily. And I'll do everything I can to help you raise him or her, well and protect you both…what are you going to name him?" It struck him suddenly that they'd never discussed it.

"Well, if it's a girl, Meghan and if it's a boy, it's Robbie: Robert Hartley Jr."

"I like it. It's after his Dad, but you know, his own identity." He said. "And Meghan, it's, it's cute."

"Bob and I decided on both a long, long time ago. Oh I'm getting so big." She assessed.

She was amazed by this lately. The baby's growing presence was strangely comforting and continually reminded her that she wasn't going to be alone in the world.

"Maybe it's twins!" Howard offered, excitedly. He thought twins would be fun.

"Howard! I can't have twins…not now!"

That would be difficult. Even though she would, in the best of all possible worlds, take great joy out of having more than one child with Bob she knew she could only handle one on her own…in fact she wasn't even so sure of that…Emily sort of resented Howard even putting it out there.

"Why not? I think it would be really nice: a boy and a girl."

"Bob wanted a girl." She reflected.

"I didn't know…what do you want?"

"I want a little boy. I mean, I did anyway but now that I've lost Bob I…I would like to have a son who could carry his name, maybe have his smile or something…obviously I'd love my little girl too, especially since Bob wanted one so much." She sniffled. "You know what he told me, he wanted to put ribbons in her hair and bounce her on his knee and…" Emily was crying now. "And that she'd have my smile."

"Oh Emily come here it's okay, shu, it's okay." He said, hugging her tightly. "I hope you don't mind my saying this but uh…if you have a girl I agree with Bob, I hope she'll be as pretty as you and that she'll have your smile."

"Oh Howard thank you." She whispered.

"And if it's a boy…"

"If he's a boy, I hope he's got his Daddy's eyes."

"That would be a nice touch Emily, a very nice touch."

"Wow, ooh that feels weird." Emily giggled through her tears at feeling the baby kick again.

"Yeah I know. It's neat, one of the neatest things about this, actually." He informed.

"He's so alive already, at least I'll have some company tomorrow." She reflected. "Maybe then I'll be able to stand it." Emily said, climbing out of bed.

"I'm sorry I can't be there." Howard followed her into the kitchen. "But like I said, I'll be back the next day and I promise we'll go baby shopping."

"And lunch?" She requested, biting into an apple.

"And dinner too." He replied, causing her to laugh.

…..

Emily's heart raced she did not want to be back in that elevator. And worse: to go into the office where it had happened…but she had no choice other than to do it. She really felt like being six months pregnant should exempt her from such a grim activity but unfortunately it didn't. This had been her first time back in Bob's office since before he was killed. She didn't know how Jerry and Carol stayed there, on the seventh floor everyday, she wouldn't be able to stand it if she were them.

"Hey, it's going to be okay love." She told herself she was reassuring her baby, but in actuality she was desperately trying to comfort herself.

She didn't know how she was going to handle being in the office. It would be an overwhelming conflict for her. The place was full of her husband, as his personal office, it typified him. She thought being there would help her connect with him… but it's where he'd lost his life…and essentially it was going to be a sorrowful mess for her to muddle through. But she wanted to be the one to clear out his things, not someone else who didn't know him like she did, who wouldn't know what to keep and what to through away. She knew there were things in there met for her eyes-only and she desperately wanted time to connect with vestiges of him. Plus, she had the feeling there was something she urgently needed to find and she had no idea what it was.

Emily was sort of glad that no one greeted her when she arrived on the seventh floor. Carol was presently away from her desk and Emily snuck into Bob's office, locking the door behind her. She took a deep breath. She'd done the part she thought would be hardest without even thinking about it: just making herself go in.

Emily opened her eyes and looked around the room, which had been vacant for months now. It had been cleaned up and straightened out…like nothing had ever happened to Bob there. She was glad she didn't have to see evidence of the struggle but at the same time, wish that it hadn't been disturbed.

She went first to the desk, running her hands over the oak wood top as she sat in his chair. For the most part, the furniture was staying in the office and would go to whoever leased the office next. But Emily had been told that no one would likely ever rent it because of what had happened there and that it was such a small space, without a window or anything. Inside the desk, she quickly found her husband's favorite pen. His spare house-key. Pictures of her and him together, she'd been looking for some of these and they were just precious to her now. Finally she stumbled upon a little envelope labeled Emily, open mid-December, 1977. Emily picked it up and held it close to hear heart with a sniffle.

"Okay Bob…I, I'll wait till December to open it. I-I miss you." She wiped a tear from her cheek, chastising herself for thinking something stupid like that he could hear her better here. He wasn't there. "I have a present to give you in mid-December too…I hope you like it. It's a son, I think…or maybe a little girl, you know the one you wanted. Either way…I hope you can see our Robbie or Meghan from where you are. And that you're so happy, cause I'm over the moon…I love you."

Emily continued crying as she sorted the office. Some of it, essentials like very personal items were going home with her, a few other things, like his books would be moved to their storage locker at the apartment and the furniture would stay, likely to just sit and fall into disrepair.

Because Emily neglected the furniture, she didn't notice that she'd left one very important book behind. It was under the big couch covered in dust and hiding under the side by just a few inches. She'd failed to see Bob's journal, which, although she didn't know it, was what she'd been so desperately searching for in the office. If she'd found it she would've found a long and beautiful love letter, a record that detailed what he thought of life and moreover, how deeply he loved her.

….

Emily was startled when the elevator stopped abruptly at the third floor and the doors opened.

"Mrs. Hartley!"

"Mr. Carlin." She didn't think she'd ever smile fondly at Mr. Carlin but she was happy to see him. He boarded the elevator with her and pressed the down button.

"It's good to see you." He paused. "I'm so sorry about Dr. Hartley...and its true…you're pregnant." He was surprised he hadn't believed it when he heard this news.

"Yeah, six months."

"Mrs. Hartley…Emily. Your husband, he met a lot to me. I know he wouldn't say the same, but he was my best friend." Carlin had been bitterly lonely since Bob's murder and hadn't admitted it to anyone but Carol who, oddly, he'd stayed friends with. He couldn't believe he'd said this to Emily.

"I know he was. He was mine too." She said. Carlin noted that she played with the wedding ring on her finger as he said this. He wasn't surprised she still wore it.

It then struck Emily how many best friends Bob had had. There was her, Jerry, Howard, Cliff Murdoch and Mr. Carlin…Bob would never say that Mr. Carlin was a best friend, but he knew Elliot depended on him and contrary to what Elliot might have really thought: he liked him. Bob had met a lot to a lot of people.

"Can I uh…can I take you out for coffee or something?" Carlin asked as they arrived on the first floor of the building, which was mostly coffee shops and lunch stands. She wondered what he wanted, but was curious about what it was he had to say, she knew there was something on his mind.

"Okay, I think that sounds nice."

"Really?"

"Yeah." She reassured.

"So uh…how much is this kid going to cost you…financially that is." He asked as they sat down at the coffee stand that Bob and Jerry used to frequent together when they became sick of Carol's terrible coffee.

"Oh I don't know…I hadn't really thought about it." She eyed Mr. Carlin suspiciously. He wanted to make some kind of rude comment about how that sounded like her but decided he better refrain. He was, after all, trying to be sincere.

"Well. I know babies are expensive….and I know I'm kind of a greedy guy, but your husband taught me a lot about generosity…and he did a lot for me…and…" this was hard for Elliot to say, "I wanna help you and your baby….financially."

"Oh wow. Mr. Carlin, this is so unlike you…I don't know what to say." She laughed. She had been starting to think about finances lately and knew she'd need some help. "What do you want to help with?"

"Well, I mean if the kid breaks an arm, or wants to go to summer camp. If he gets sick….or if he decides to become a doctor…like his Dad…and you need money to pay for it: school, health, fun…anything big. Find me."

"But why?" Emily was blown away.

"Because," Elliot began, part of him wretched at giving money away like this, but he knew it was the right thing to do, "your husband provided so much for me, in a totally different way…and yet he's not here to provide for his own baby and I know he would've been a really great Dad. I can't do what he could've done, and this is the best I can do to even attempt to repay him."

"Oh Mr. Carlin…you are sweet. I knew there was good in there." She said as he got up to leave.

"Emily, let's not go that far…"

"Hear that little baby: you have a very generous benefactor." She smiled, looking down at her stomach as he walked away.

…..

"I really appreciate your helping me do this Howard." Emily said.

They were sitting together on the floor of the den, now almost finished transforming into a nursery, with all the pieces of the crib around them. They'd gone out together earlier in the day to shop for baby things. It was heartbreaking for her, and embarrassing for him that everyone thought they were a couple expecting their first baby. Emily thought to herself that if life were perfect and you got everything you ever wanted, she'd be shopping with Bob for their third and last baby, not their very first.

Emily was a bit apprehensive as she watched poor Howard haphazardly sort the crib pieces. She hoped he'd build it correctly, that's all she could say. Looking back, wished that she would've done this part while she was a little less pregnant so she could be of more help, but it hadn't seemed appropriate before…she'd also wished she would've let her father-in-law do this. He had offered. At the same time, Howard had kept his promise and it was nice. He was really taking every step with her and the baby and she was so happy to not be alone.

"Oh it's no problem Emily, it's fun…where does this go?" He inquired, holding up one large piece.

"I think that's the bottom of the crib Howard." Emily laughed, rubbing her stomach softly.

"Oh, yeah." He agreed.

"Oh it's all really coming together, isn't it?" She asked, picking up the mobile they'd chosen and admiring it. It was just a bunch of little lambs and she was head over heals for it.

"It sure is…I mean look at you." She laughed. "He's coming together too."

"Yeah, he is." She agreed, looking down at her unborn child. "Apparently he's all done. Just getting stronger lungs and fattening up before he's born."

"Yeah fat, that's something babies really need. We got great stuff Emily. I really like it, and I can't wait to use it."

"You're really…sticking around aren't you? You know it was embarrassing earlier, people thinking that we were together…not that it would be embarrassing to be your girl Howard." She corrected.

"I know that's not what you met."

"You're excited about the baby…you're sticking around, aren't you?"

"For sure." He smiled.

"You know…I've been thinking. The doctor said I can pick someone to go in with me when I have the baby. She suggested maybe Carol or my Mom, or Bob's Mom…And while my first choice is Bob, I think over anyone else other than him….Howard…I want you." She had been unsure of how to ask him this but it just came out.

"You-you want me to be there when…when it comes out!"

"Yeah, but Howard. If you don't feel comfortable, I under…"

"Oh no, no, no, no! I mean, I'd love to. Its just do you know what you're asking me to be apart of?" He asked.

"No." She was nervous to find out exactly what his answer would be.

"A miracle." He smiled.