a.n. HIIIIIII! Sorry I completely disappeared! Thank you for sticking around for months of nothing, I'm super super sorry! But, hopefully to make up for the unexpected hiatus, here's a story about Lily having Haphephobia (fear of touch) and one James Potter helping her through it.
disclaimer: I don't own anything!
reviews would mean eveeeveverything to me!
When Lily walks down the Hogwarts halls, she usually has to wait until most students are already in class. She doesn't even think twice about it because for the past 5 years, Lily has had more trouble than usual around people. It was a very specific problem, really. Lily has had haphephobia since she can remember, and over the past few years it has got increasingly worse, no matter what she told her parents ("I'm fine! I'm just adjusting to life at Hogwarts, mum!" or "What's wrong with not liking when people touch you, dad?").
Now, convinced that the halls in Hogwarts were empty enough for her to pass through without fear of bumping into anybody, Lily set off for her seventh year Transfiguration class. The only (recurring) problem she found that her phobia hindered her on was the fact that she was almost always late for lessons as she waited for the halls to clear.
As Lily finally hurried down the empty halls towards the Transfiguration classroom, she already feared McGonagall's wrath ("Ms Evans, if you are late again I must issue a detention!"). Panting, having run down 3 flights of stairs and almost stepped on Filch's cat, Lily was taken completely off guard when James Potter came dashing down the opposite hallway. James was shoving the folded Marauder's Map into his robes pockets and was running a hand through his rumpled hair in his haste.
Lily barely had time to register that she was running flat-footed and full-pelt straight at James, who was galloping towards her from the opposite direction, also oblivious to the oncoming collision, when —
"MERLIN, EVANS —"
"AHHHH!" Lily screeched, immediately flinching away from James Potter's warm body (which, due to the impact of their two bodies colliding at such speed, had fallen smack onto the floor).
"Shit, are you alright?"
Lily had turned pale, with blotches of red high on her cheeks from the panic. Her breath was coming in uneven gasps, tears in her eyes, her ribs positively burning. Her body felt as if it were on fire, like she was being burned, and everywhere that James Potter had touched her was scalding, her skin melting...
"Evans?" James sat up, rubbing the back of his head and wincing from the pain of the collision, already feeling a bruise. He stared at her, his eyes confused and concerned. "You alright?"
Lily didn't answer, she just stared at something James couldn't see, her face contorted with pain and fear and shock.
"Lily?" He reached over to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Immediately, she flinched away.
"D-Don't touch!" Lily begged, tears spilling over her cheeks. James' eyes grew wide and he retracted his hand a little awkwardly, using it to rake through his hair automatically.
He watched, even more concerned, as Lily rubbed her face with her hands, breathing heavily and curling in on herself. "I'm sorry," she stammered into her hands, her voice small, "I... I'm not used to people... t-touching me..."
"Oh." James said. He sat on his hands. "Well, um, I'm sorry for running into you, Lily."
Lily looked up from her hands and James stared at her. He wanted, more than anything, to reach out and wipe her tears away. But Lily had a problem, a phobia, and a serious one at that.
"W-We should..." Lily sniffled, "Um... g-get to, um... you know... Class."
"No way," James spluttered. "After that? Are you mad?"
"I... please, James, let's just go... McGonagall's waiting..."
"You're going to the Hospital Wing." James stated before standing up from off the floor and holding out a hand... before he realised that she would never take it and he slid it into his pocket.
"I'm fine —"
"Evans, you just screamed when I touched you, that's not normal. Now, I know we haven't been the best of friends for the best part of six years, but this is bad, mate."
"But —"
"You're going, Lily. I'm taking you."
James Potter was the most stubborn person Lily had ever met. She knew there was no point arguing with him. "Fine. But... but could you —"
"Stay over here?" James finished, watching as Lily shakily got to her feet and he stepped a few inches away from her. He had noticed how she waited for the crowds to thin before walking through the halls, and he had noticed how she usually hesitated before sitting next to someone in the Great Hall or in lessons or in the Common Room. James just figured it was one of those cute Lily things, but now he knew there was something not right, not natural, about it. He wanted, no, he needed to help her.
"Thank you."
"No problem."
"James?" Lily asked one evening in the Common Room. James was sat in one of the chairs around the fireplace, playing Gobstones with the other Gryffindors. At the sound of Lily's voice, he leaped out of the chair and started towards her, stopping a few feet in front of her, because, well, you know.
"Alright, Evans?"
Lily chewed nervously on her lip (another thing James had noticed over the past few years). Her eyes were wide and she looked as if she was in the middle of an internal battle between herself.
"I... um," Lily began, her voice wavering. James walked to his empty dormitory for privacy and he beckoned her to follow. She did.
Once in James's dormitory, he sat on the edge of his desk, while Lily stood helplessly in the middle of the room, her eyes just as wide as before.
"Lily, is something wrong?" He prompted gently, and she locked eyes with him, suddenly determined to say whatever she was about to say.
"Can you help me?" Lily said. "I... I want to get better, and, a-and you... you're good at helping me. L-Like in Charms when I couldn't... you know. Or... or in Ancient Runes — which I still can't believe you took — or in Transfiguration when I turned... Mary into a frog and I-I couldn't —"
"Lily," James interrupted her rambling before saying softly, "Of course I'll help you."
She smiled a little, and then she sat on his bed.
James watched her, running a hand through his hair before crossing his arms over his chest. "Alright, so what can I do to help you?"
Lily hesitated for a few minutes before slowly beckoning him over. James raised his eyebrows. He slowly walked the short distance between the desk and his bed, standing in front of her.
"James — sit next to me," Lily bit her lip, watching James with doe-eyes.
"I don't want to push you too far —"
"Sit next to me. It's okay, I sit next to people in class, and in the Hall. And I just... I want to feel normal. Like it doesn't bother me when somebody sits next to me."
James complied, sitting next to her on the bed. Lily took a few deep breaths and stared straight ahead. The presence of James right next to her side wasn't as scary as she thought it would be, and compared to that monster she sat next to in Potions, she almost felt comfortable.
James watched her cautiously, unwilling to do anything that may trigger her. After a few minutes, though, she turned to look at him. "Alright?"
Lily was about to say "yes" but many things happened all at once: Sirius barged through the dormitory door, flinging his satchel onto his bed and groaning loudly; Sirius' abrupt entrance made James start, for it had been completely silent in the room, and he jumped from the shock of Sirius' unexpected arrival, this made him bump into Lily; she set on fire at the interaction and screamed.
"Bloody hell, Lily!" Sirius barked, covering his ears, for he had a terrible headache.
"Sirius, you git!" James shouted, immediately standing up and backing away so Lily could have her space. She was already curling in on herself, her breathing ragged, tears forming, face pale...
When Sirius got up to see if she was okay, about to pat her reassuringly on the shoulder, James barely stopped him in time.
"What the hell —" Sirius questioned as James held him back. "Why's she — Prongs, what the hell is — Get off me, you prat —"
"I'll explain later," James said forcefully, restraining his friend while watching, his stomach twisting uncomfortably because he couldn't do anything, as Lily shook with fear on his bed. "Give us a sec, Padfoot."
With a bewildered expression and another curse, Sirius was pushed out the dormitory by James.
After a few minutes of silence, James slowly approached his bed before kneeling in front of Lily. When she gradually uncurled herself, her breathing somewhat ordinary, she scrubbed at her face with her hands, a blush on her cheeks.
"Sorry, I just — Sirius didn't know —" James started, Lily cut him off.
"No, no... it's okay. I-I'm okay."
"Right." James said sarcastically and Lily rolled her eyes, wanting more than anything to shove him playfully. Instead, she caught her breath.
"You're doing so good, mate!" James grinned, gently touching her hand. It was a Sunday afternoon in the Common Room, and it was all but deserted besides the two of them. They sat together on the couch. It was a few weeks ago when Lily had discovered that she could handle sitting next to James more so than anybody else. She actually liked sitting next to James!
She watched as James's fingers grazed the back of her hand cautiously, a proud smile on her lips. They had only moved on from sitting next to each other to James touching her hand a few weeks ago, and Lily had managed to push past the burning feeling it brought her, and her mouth no longer went dry from the physical contact.
After half an hour of James stroking the back of her hand and telling her ridiculous stories, Lily worked up the courage to hold his hand in hers. Her fingers shakily closed around his, and James's incessant, albeit adorable, rambling ceased when he felt her palm against his.
"Is this okay?" Lily asked him gently. James barked out a laugh at her words.
"It's great." James said easily, his grin so, so big. "It's... it's fantastic."
Lily looked up at him and grinned back.
A couple of days later, James took Lily out for a walk around the peaceful Hogwarts Grounds, his hand held in hers. It had been raining all day, but the sky seemed to take a break when it realised the duo were heading out for a walk together.
"Alright, Evans?" James asked conversationally as they slowly ambled around the Grounds. Lily was looking up at the sky and she nodded her head in agreement. "Good."
They had been walking around the perimeter of the Quidditch pitch for quite some time, both watching as the Hufflepuff Quidditch team practiced. James's only concern right now was if Gryffindor would be able to beat them next week, because Hufflepuff — especially their Seeker — looked pretty damn amazing right now.
Eventually, the sky turned dark and the rain couldn't hold itself back any longer. The Quidditch team retreated back into the Castle, so Lily and James figured they had better do the same.
Outside the Portrait to the Gryffindor Common Room, James stroked the back of Lily's hand. She smiled a small smile at him.
"Thank you for everything, James."
"No problem, Lily." He wanted to kiss her there and then, but he gathered his thoughts and deemed that was far too difficult for Lily to go through right now. Instead, he moved a tiny bit closer to her. She tensed a little before remembering that it was James. It was James. And that thought seemed to calm her.
"Is it okay if I hug you?" James whispered. Lily looked into his eyes, unable to tell if her body was ready or not. She knew for a fact that her mind was ready, she wanted to hug him. Hell, a few seconds ago she wanted to kiss him. But that was a big step, both for her phobia and for their relationship.
"Yes," Lily breathed, watching him cautiously as he edged that little bit closer and slowly pulled her into his chest, his arms wrapping around her protectively.
It started out nice and calming, it felt great being in James's arms. But then the fire started a few seconds later, and the flames licked at her sides, her cheeks became flushed, and the contact became unbearable. She started crying, James immediately let go of her, guilt and in his eyes and he was upset that he made her feel this way... he did this to her.
Lily's breathing came in sharp, painful gasps and she leaned against the walls of the Castle, the Portait watching the scene in shock, and James watched, his insides also burning as he was forced to watch and not comfort, for comforting Lily would surely make it worse.
It became apparent to James that Lily had begun hyperventilating, and sadly this had happened more than once. He knew what to do, he could fix this, fix her.
"Lily," he said firmly as she slid down the wall, tears spilling down her face, her eyes screwed shut. He also dropped to the floor, crawling towards her but being careful to stop a few feet short.
"Lily," he tried again, his voice strong. Lily opened her eyes and James swore his heart cracked. "Lily, what's my name?"
Lily stared at him as if she didn't realise he was there, and James was just about to repeat the question when she said, "James."
"What do you usually call me?"
Lily still took a long time to answer, her breathing still panicky. But now that she had something to think about, something to distract her, she stopped shaking. "Potter."
"What did you used to call me?" James hid a smirk at the answer that was sure to follow.
"A...Arrogant bullying toerag," Lily hiccuped, voice scratchy and breathing almost back to normal.
"That's right. I bet you feel guilty for that, don't you, Lily?" James spoke conversationally. This was how it always went. With each of her panic attacks, James knew the only way to calm her down was to distract her, usually by telling stories. "Remember when I hung Snape upside down?"
Lily scowled characteristically. When she muttered "git", James knew she was fine again.
A few months later, it was clear to almost everybody in the Castle that James Potter and Lily Evans were something of an item.
Lily became used to James hugging her more often, and she honestly loved the feeling of being in his arms. The burning had stopped whenever he touched her, and she could now hug him back. The first time she did this, James teared up:
"I did not cry!"
"Yes, you did! You absolutely did!"
"Crying is when the tears leave the eyes, Lily!"
"So you admit there were tears! You cried, James!"
She made sure she sat next to him in every class she could, because he could always calm her down if somebody touched her (she also noticed that she wasn't as nervous when around people as before), and she could also (sometimes) focus on the lesson when James wasn't muttering stupid jokes in her ear.
One day, James coaxed her into walking to class with him. At first she was terrified because of all the possible contact with other people, and the burning sensation it brought her, but then James said he'd be with her the entire time, and that calmed her down greatly. Even still, she was terrified.
The very same afternoon, James left the Common Room with Lily to walk with her to their next class: Defence Against the Dark Arts.
James held her hand the entire time, and it was going well until a large Slytherin with a fancy for the Dark Arts named Mulciber stormed down the halls, purposefully pushing a First-Year Ravenclaw into Lily Evans.
Lily gasped from the shock of the contact, the burning feeling against her side, and James swore loudly at Mulciber, vowing to hex him into oblivion. But then Lily grasped at James's hand much tighter than before, than ever — she had never done that before! James was momentarily surprised at the tight hold Lily held against his hand. She usually would have recoiled from any form of touch, and yet here she was, gripping James's hand so tight it hurt. But James didn't care in the slightest, he only wanted her to hold his hand tighter.
He gently rubbed his uncrushed hand up and down Lily's back in a reassuring manner, and in a few minutes, Lily felt safe again as they stepped into the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom.
Towards the end of their seventh year, James and Lily had shared many memorable kisses. That's right, Lily was perfectly okay — well, more than okay — to kiss James.
It took a while for her to realise, but James's touches did burn her, but not in a bad way. In a good way. In the best way possible. The feeling of his fingertips against her skin felt like fireworks, each touch was exciting and left a pleasurable heat behind. Lily loved it when James touched her. Lily also loved it when James kissed her.
Lily had, in fact, been the one to initiate the first kiss, much to James's surprise. It happened in Lily's dormitory. Her roommates were out somewhere, and Lily couldn't think of a more perfect and spontaneous opportunity.
She invited James over that night, and he quickly accepted, arriving outside her dorm with a box of Chocolate Frogs, some butterbeer and that stupid James Potter smile. She pulled him inside and just kissed him. No words, no need for an explanation. She remembered the smash of the butterbeer bottles against the floor as James had dropped them in surprise, she remembered the Chocolate Frogs escaping their boxes and ribbetting all over the room. But the only thing that she was aware of at the time were James's lips against hers.
It was captivating, and Lily forgot completely about the fear of touch, for she could only focus on one thing: James. Gentle kisses at first but then passionate, and it was lovely. For once, she felt normal.
But then she didn't feel normal, she felt special, because James Potter was kissing back.
a.n. Thank you very much for reading, let me know what you think and if you have any ideas of your own, please feel free to share/PM me! THANKS!