Hi there! So I'm posting the 3rd chapter but I've got two more already written and I must say this story turned out very different from what I intended when I first started. I've been trying to keep in mind that South Park is a comedy, but I'm not the best at writing funny stuff so we'll see how it goes! I find it's a lot of fun that whatever happens can just be blamed either on Eric Cartman or on South Park being weird, no questions asked! Anyway, thank you for reading!
Chapter 3 – In which Cartman's evil plan is unveiled
Forcing Cartman's window open proved harder than he expected. The idiot kept it locked – what a paranoid. It was nothing that Mysterion couldn't work around, though. With swift and silent movements, he jumped into Cartman's bedroom, leaving the window open for later – he would use to exit suddenly for dramatic effect. Silencing his steps he walked to the bed, where the fatass lay loudly snoring. Without hesitation, he grabbed the sleeper's neck, steadily choking him.
Cartman woke up in panic. He tried to scream but his attacker prevented him from doing so by pushing a pillow into his face, so he retaliated by trashing about wildly in hope to free himself. His attacker proved stronger though, and held him firmly in place. Using his lower, smoky Mysterion voice, Kenny ordered ''Relax, you fat jerk, don't move, don't scream and you won't be harmed.'' Reluctantly his victim grew still and he carefully took the pillow off his face.
Cartman's eyes widened with surprise as he recognized him. Then he started chuckling. If Kenny hadn't been choking him, he would have been laughing his ass off.
''What?'' barked Mysterion ''Quit laughing or I'll choke you harder.''
''Dude…can't…'' coughed his victim's feeble voice ''too…fucking…hilarious…''.
Upset by this sudden turn of event, Mysterion let go of Cartman's throat. The other boy proceeded to roar with laughter, rocking from side to side and holding his belly, as if Mysterion's presence in his bedroom at night was a comedy act.
Kenny waited patiently for his hilarity to subside.
''Dude, I can't believe you're still hooked on that thing. Ohmygod I can't breathe, ahahahaha! Best fucking joke ever! ''
''Yeah? Well this ''joke'' could turn into your worst nightmare.'' He threatened. ''I figured out that you were trying to use Kenny McCormick to spy on Wendy Testaburger – I'll beat the shit out of you for even thinking about pulling that cheap trick.'' Mysterion grabbed his victim by the shoulder, fist raised to punch him right in the face when Cartman's puzzled look made him doubt the conclusion he had jumped to.
''Spy on Wendy? Why the hell would I wanna spy on that bitch? – and even if I wanted to, I'd never hire you to do it. What the fuck – you're not well, McCormick.''
''I'm Mysterion.''
''You're Kenny McCormick.''
''Mysterion!''
''For fuck's sake, Kinny!''
Kenny released his grip.
''Why, then? Why did you ask Kenny to volunteer at the library? I don't get it – there's nothing there that could even remotely be of any interest to you. It's got to be about Testaburger.''
Cartman sighed. ''Kinny, Kinny, Kinny….I couldn't care less about that girl – she's a huge bitch, but I'm not trying to hurt her or anything.''
''What's it about, then?''
''I can't tell you – I would, but if you knew, Kinny, you'd ruin it!''
''If you're gonna be like that, Kenny McCormick will quit. He doesn't want to be part of your sick plans – especially if Wendy's involved in any way.''
Cartman laughed again. ''Knight in shining armor, already? Well holy shit, seems like that sick fuck Craig was right after all.'' He paused. ''Look, Kinny, I know that I am not the most trustworthy person, but I promise that your volunteering at the library won't hurt anyone or put anyone in danger. Everything is going to be fine for you and Wendy and everyone else. Okay? Now leave my fucking house! ''
''I don't trust you one bit, Cartman, but I don't have any proof against you, so I'll let you be. But hear me out – if I notice something weird going on, I'm gonna beat your ass so hard, you won't remember your own name. Got it?''
Before Cartman could reply anything, Mysterion has disappeared out of the window.
''Do the classes really bore him that much or do you think he might be sick or something? It's not normal to sleep all the time like that.'' said Kyle to Stan as he poked Kenny's shoulder. Their friend was slumped on his desk, fast asleep. It was only 11:30.
''Who knows?'' answered Stan, as he tried to shake his friend awake. ''Common, dude, wake up. It's lunch time!''
Kenny groaned sleepily, eyes half-open: ''Is class over already?''
''Yeah'', replied Kyle, ''you slept through it all. You should see a doctor, dude, you've got issues.''
Kenny stretched lazily. ''Yeah, yeah, mom. Shit – I could eat a whole elephant – is it lunchtime yet?''
The three friends joked as they walked to the cafeteria, failing to notice Cartman and Craig standing suspiciously close at the end of the hallway, whispering between them.
''Turns out that you were right, asshole.'' Cartman told Craig about Mysterion's visit. ''He was all like: oh Cartman, are you spying on Wendy, because I won't allow it! and all like: if you hurt her, I'll beat your ass! Fucking hilarious. How did you even notice?''
'' I just knew '' explained Craig laconically.
''Are you sure about her, too?''
Craig nodded.
''I don't see why that bitch would go for him'' Eric continued ''but who cares? Soon her reign will be over and I will take over to rid us of the new healthy menu she's forced onto us! ''
Cartman was boiling with excitement. ''See Tucker, a woman's biggest weakness is love. Even Testaburger is not immune to that sort of shit.''
''Her relationship with Stan never prevented her from getting shit done '', observed Craig.
''Of course it didn't! Stan's always with Kyle, she had too much free time, plus Stan's so fucking boring! Kenny's a loser, but if he'd try, he'd know how to show a girl a good time.''
''Your plan's still stupid. Anyway - it doesn't have anything to do with me.''
Cartman was so into his monologue that he didn't hear Craig's intervention.
''Oh yeah! He will blow her mind away and she will be so taken with him, that she'll neglect her duties as school president. Her iron fist will finally soften! And that's when I'll overthrow her dictatorship! I will fight for the return of hamburgers, fries and pizza in the cafeteria menu and all the kids shall take part in my coup d'état! Aahahahahahahah! What do you say, Craig, am I a genius or what? Craig? '' He turned to where the other boy should have been only to find out that Craig was gone. ''I'm really going to kill that asshole'' he thought.
Stan was complaining about how life at home had become insufferable since his father had discovered yet another new hobby, when Wendy showed up to their table, causing him to shut up mid-sentence. His reaction to their most recent break-up, about two months ago, had been surprisingly mild, as though he'd finally resigned to the fact that they were never going to work out. Maybe for that reason, he was unusually uncomfortable around her.
''Hi guys!'' she waved them hello.
''Hello Wendy'' replied Kyle for the three of them: Kenny was too busy wolfing down his sandwich to bother and Stan was too embarrassed to utter a single word.
''I won't bother you long – I was just wondering if by any chance one of you had seen my agenda? I seem to have lost it.''
''Sorry - I haven't noticed anything'' answered Kyle while his two friends shook their heads, ''what color is it, though, I'll keep an eye open.''
''It's pink, about this size. Thank you, Kyle, that's very sweet of you.''
She quickly walked away and disappeared into the crowd of students. ''Dude, has Wendy ever called you sweet before?'' asked Stan.
''Uh? I can't recall. She might have, she might haven't. Why does it matter?''
''Maybe she's trying to hit on you?''
''What the hell, Stan? Why would she do that?''
''I don't know… I always wondered why she was dating me, when she could have dated you instead – you're a much better match… You're both smart and dedicated; you come from normal, grounded families that insist of the importance of tradition and the like. You would probably be able to understand her better than I ever could.''
Kyle rolled his eyes. ''Having a lot in common with someone does not mean you will love this person or that your relationship with that person will work easily. Besides, take a look at me, Stan: I'm a nerd. High school girls don't like nerds.''
''You know Wendy, dude, she's the kind of girl who can see past appearance. And she's kind of a nerd herself, no?''
Kenny was squeezing the last drops out of his juice box as he listened to the conversation going on between his friends. It seemed that Stan's self-esteem was on the low.
''No,'' replied Kyle with confidence, ''it's not the same for Wendy because she's also one of the prettiest girls in school. No one's a cheerleader AND a nerd. She's just a smart cheerleader.''
''She could still be interested in you.''
''She's not. Besides, I'm not interested in her, anyway.''
''She called you sweet!''
''That doesn't mean anything, she was just being nice!''
''Guys'' interrupted Kenny ''this whole conversation is pathetic.''
Stan sighed. ''Yeah, you're right, dude… I'm sorry…it's just that, this time around I feel like this was our final breakup. She won't ever come back to me and I kinda dread the moment when I'll see her with someone else.''
''Dude, you just need to forget her! How about we go play hockey tonight? That'll take our minds off them girls for a while, nah?
''Our minds maybe'' answered Kyle jokingly ''but yours Ken? Does it ever happen?''
They laughed, effectively dissipating the tension.