Things She Regretted

'Hmm … well I think my tea-leaves look a bit like the kippers served at breakfast this morning,' I said, not caring who heard me; 'perhaps I'm going to eat something in the next few hours … my this class is fascinating.' Ron and Harry grinned up at me from then rim of their cups, I forced a smile back in their direction, I was overcome with nerves, and I had this class last lesson on a Thursday! Well there was no way I was going to put any effort in now, I'm aware I have very slight patience with it even when my mind isn't heavily engaged with the apprehension caused by my unexplained first lesson with Professor McGonagall.

The so-called seer got up from her chair at Lavender and Parvati's table and made a bee-line for ours, gliding all the way (she did however trip half-way and it kind-of ruined her mysterious character.

'May I take a look … oh pristine one?' She asked evidently trying to look superior. I mock-sweetly handed her the mug containing my supposedly knowledgeable leaves. She peered long and hard into its depths while I waited without much patience. And just when I could stand it no longer she came out with; 'ahh interesting … it seems to be the sign for a broken heart … yes most definitely … well at least you're prepared now.' On the outside I rolled my eyes, but deep down my stomach shook. Almost everyone I respected knew Trelawney was a fraud, but this prediction seemed liable to be proved right.

It was seven thirty-five. My entire body began to shake as the long route to McGonagall's office came to an end. I didn't know why I was so scared. I didn't need to be … I hoped. I let out a long breath as if I'd been holding it for ages. I didn't want to do this right now. Not today, it was so much easier to just hide in the dormitories. But just as I was about to turn and high tail back to safe ground, the oak door in front of me was pulled open, and a slim face looked around at me.

'I was just coming out to look for you,' the woman before me said, 'are you quite alright? You look a little peaky.'

I opened my mouth as if I was going to say something, but my voice was swept away by the professor's enchanting presence. I managed to close my lips and nodded.

'You're ever so quiet you know.' She trilled making my heart beat faster than I was aware it could go. I gave her an unsteady little smile, not wanting to break her image of a serene, tranquil persona I wasn't aware I had. I could get through this so much easier if I didn't have to give voice throughout the session.

'Well if you'd like to come in then,' she continued turning and opening the door wider, with what I couldn't fail to see was an effortlessly fluid motion; like a dancer. I tip-toed in after her, hating myself for letting my mind be completely hypnotised from something so ridiculous. 'Okay,' she said in her perfect lucid tone, and I tried desperately to bring my head back in her pristine study; 'I thought I'd try you with vanishing objects, I am aware you've done it before, but not with animals I've got you an African land-snail which I'm sure you know, is an invertebrate and therefore easier to disappear than vertebrates, I do however have mouse if you find it too easy.'

I nodded, finding 'yes' a lot more complicated than it normally is. If I was completely honest with myself, I was a little disappointed that all she wanted to talk about in these 'private' lessons was transfiguration. But I told myself that was perverse and that I shouldn't dwell on thoughts like these.

'Alright then,' she said briskly which made me hope I hadn't done anything to annoy her. 'I'm sure you remember the incantation but I'll show you anyway encase you've forgotten,' she withdrew a pale grey wand from her robes and bent over slightly to cast the spell, causing a little of her raven hair to fall out of its tight place, I had a sudden unfound temptation to stroke it back behind her ear. I only managed to stop myself when my hand was extended in-front her elegant face she turned her surprised-emerald-eyes on me before I could think of a reasonable excuse as to why I seemed all set to caress her faultless face. I stared hard into her eyes though it was obviously most unwise.

'I – I erm … I thought I saw something,' I squeaked gesturing stupidly in the air, before removing my hand sharply.

She held my gaze for a few long moments and then returned to her demonstration. I didn't even try to concentrate; I covered my mouth and squirmed with overwhelming embarrassment, I screwed up my eyes. I clenched my hands into tight fists allowing my fingernails to dig severely into my skin willing them to pierce it.

'Are you in pain or something?' Professor McGonagall asked in a faintly shocked voice.

I gave a little gasp and looked up, then straight down; mortified that she'd seen me react in such a way. 'I'm … I'm fine … thank-you,' I said my voice not coming out much above a whisper.

'Are you sure about that?' She asked looking definitely concerned now. 'Perhaps this really is too much for you.'

'Oh no of its course not, I'll be fine,' I spurted. I kicked myself after that, I couldn't believe I'd just had the perfect opportunity to leave and I turned it down. I suppose if was being properly truthful I'd realise I never had wanted to leave. But it would have been an easy alternative.

'Well then I'm sure you'll achieve this with ease,' she said stepping back and offered me the snail. I blinked at it for a second and then extracted my own wand; I swallowed and tried to focus. But it wasn't easy. I looked down at it and muttered the spell. Nothing happened. I coughed and tried again. But it stayed entirely visible. I felt my cheeks getting slowly pink, I tried to take a small calming breath, but it came out more like a panicked intake of breath. I tried once more to clear my mind but it had no effect, I cast the spell yet again and for a second I thought it had worked but only the very tip of the shell faded and was already coming back into view.

'I – I can't do it somehow.' I whispered feeling like I'd let her down in someway.

'Yes I realised.' She also said it softly, but her words still cut through me like icy daggers. 'Oh well it doesn't matter anyway … you don't seem yourself right now anyway … maybe you should go and get some rest.' It was so much easier to feign sickness than face things I knew I never wanted to face.

'Yes I'll do that,' I said standing up as straight as possible though my legs were shaking so much I thought I really might fall over. 'Goodnight professor,' I murmured, injecting as much fervour into the two words as I possibly could. I think she blinked in surprise, but perhaps I exaggerate every movement she makes. She lowered her head in return, and I scurried out of her office and up to Gryffindor common room before another word could be spoken.

I slipped past the students chatting in groups around the fire; I'd almost forgotten they'd be here. Minerva McGonagall's office seemed so far away, it seemed hours had passed while I was there. Like I was miles away from Hogwarts life. I was relived to find my dormitory completely deserted, I collapsed on top of the covers and sighed into the pillow. Something was pressing into my stomach, I reached into an inside pocket or my robes unfazed by what could be in there. Of course it was just the time-turner. I lay on my front for a few seconds before realizing a time-turner … could turn back time. I lifted my face and considered the concept … I could stop my self from going there altogether … was it really that bad though? Yes it was bad. It wouldn't be difficult.

But I couldn't. I'd promised her I wouldn't. And I couldn't … wouldn't break a promise for her.