Clarke tightened the leather strap of her horse's saddle and struggled to ignore the muted ache pulsing through her skull. She rubbed her palm over her tired eyes and leaned against the tall animal for support. Her night was spent tossing and turning with each disquieting dream of bloodied grounders hung on metal beams, horrific radiation-mutated beasts, and Lexa.. her dreams always led back to Lexa. The nightmares had first started after the incident at Mt. Weather, but lessened over time the longer she stayed in Polis. But ever since Clarke had been hurled back from the City of Light, her nightmares had returned with a vengeance. Every morning she would jolt awake in a cold sweat, and she wished she'd never dream again if it meant that the nightmares would cease.
Resting her head against the warm, soft coat of her horse, she allowed herself a fleeting moment of comfort before being drawn away by a faint, distant whisper. She lifted her eyes and trailed her gaze around the compound, searching for the voice.
… Cla.. rke… Cl... arke..
"Clarke," Abby placed her hand onto her daughter's shoulder and felt her startle at her touch. "Is everything alright?"
Clarke shrugged the tension from her shoulders and smiled weakly at her mother, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired."
Abby's eyebrows furrowed, "Still having nightmares?"
"No," Clarke lied flatly, turning her eyes away from Abby to adjust the bag strapped to the back of her saddle, "Just anxious about today's ride is all."
Ever since returning to Arkadia, Abby and the others had watched Clarke endure worsening nightmares and edginess. What made it worse was that there was an air of doubt surrounding Clarke's admission to the radiation threat posed by A.L.I.E. There was no way to prove the substantiality of her claim, and most brushed off the threat as a manipulation ploy in an act of desperation. With all of these circumstances, along with what her mother described as an 'unhealthy attachment' to a dead woman, many in Arkadia began to question Clarke's mental soundness. After all, who wouldn't go a little crazy after what she'd been through? So Clarke kept her nightmares to herself and resigned to remain silent until having the opportunity to meet with the grounder coalition once again. If Arkadia wouldn't listen to her, perhaps Indra and the alliance would.
"I'm worried about you returning to Polis."
"Don't be. Besides, I'm sure you already asked Kane to keep an eye on me?" Clarke turned to Abby and glanced at Kane as he made the final adjustments to his horse's saddle a few yards away. He cleared his throat and shot a quick, knowing look at Abby.
"So this is it, then."
Clarke turned and watched Jaha, his wrists bound behind his back, be led by two guards towards them. Octavia followed behind them and took a moment to peer back at Bellamy, who stood watching from a distance in the arc's open doorway.
"Unfortunately there's no other way to lift the blockade," Kane responded, a hint of regret lingering in his voice. Jaha parted his lips to speak but was interrupted by Octavia brushing past them towards her horse.
"We gotta go if we're going to make it by sundown," Octavia stated hurriedly as she grasped at her horse's reins. She clutched onto the horn of the saddle and swung herself effortlessly onto the horse's back before turning the animal towards the compound gate.
Abby reached out to Clarke and wrapped her in a warm embrace, "Take care of yourself and be safe."
"I will, mom." Clarke pulled away from Abby and offered a hint of a smile before turning to mount her horse. As she grabbed onto the reins to direct the animal towards Octavia, she watched Abby approach Kane to offer him a departing kiss and embrace. Clarke remembered the way that her father would hold and kiss her mother while they were still on the arc. But both Abby and Clarke had lost him in the end. Lincoln, Finn, Wells… they had all been lost. And Lexa...
As Clarke rode towards the opening gate of the compound, a moment of dread twisted at her heart. She wasn't sure if she was ready to return to Polis, to enter into the space that she and Lexa had shared together. But there was no turning back at this point; the grounder coalition was waiting on them, and she would be back in Polis by nightfall.
The ride to Polis was proving to be far more enjoyable than Clarke had predicted. It had been herself and Octavia leading, with Kane riding behind them and Jaha walking in the rear, a rope tied around his waist and hooked onto Kane's saddle. It had been quiet, and the majority of the ride passed in silence.
The swaying, rhythmic steps of her horse had a calming affect on Clarke, and she would at times close her eyes and allow herself to take in the nature around her: the sounds of the birds whistling and chirping in the trees, the crunching of leaves beneath their horse's hooves, and the calm breeze rustling through the branches overhead soothed her.
Her mind drifted away to when she and Lexa rode together, side by side, back to Arkadia following the death of Queen Nia of Azgeda. Clarke sensed a nudge press against her stirruped left foot, and when she turned her gaze to Lexa she saw her looking back into her eyes, a warm smile across her lips. She remembered how strikingly green Lexa's eyes looked against the red cloak draped over her dark hair. The moment itself was so brief and had passed by in a matter of seconds, but the minute details of the memory now warmed Clarke's chest and left her heart skipping a beat.
"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" Clarke opened her eyes to see Octavia casually riding beside her. "You were smiling, and I haven't seen you smile in a while."
The warmth in her chest gradually faded as reality sunk back in, "It's hard not to think about her."
"It must be difficult for you to return to Polis."
"It is. Was it difficult for you to return to Arkadia?"
Octavia's jaw grew taut as her eyes hardened, "Yes."
"I'm sorry," Clarke dropped her gaze to her horse's mane. Octavia and Lincoln had spent most of their time together in Arkadia, and Octavia had watched him be murdered by Pike on the same ground that she had just returned to the day before. Clarke could understand why Octavia had been in such a hurry to leave that morning.
"Don't be sorry," Octavia scoffed, "If my brother and the others accepted the alliance that you and Lexa worked out in the first place, Lincoln would still be alive today. She would be too."
Clarke remembered back to when they departed Arkadia - Bellamy remained back in the distance and hadn't offered a goodbye to her or the others. From how their initial greeting had gone the day before, she could only assume that Bellamy either attempted to reach out to Octavia and failed or resigned to give her the space she needed. But Clarke knew that she was right; had Arkadia accepted Skikru's induction into the grounder alliance, Lincoln, Lexa, and so many others would still be alive.
As they continued to ride together in silence, the ache radiating in Clarke's head began to build at the base of her neck. She closed her eyes, lifted up her arm, and slid her fingers across the scar on her neck. Breathing steadily through each painful surge, her heart faltered at the pulsing sensation of the chip beneath her skin. Octavia glanced over, concerned.
"Everything alright?"
Clarke's fingertips traced along the scar tissue on her neck and sensed a wave of dizziness, "Yeah, I'm alright…" she turned her eyes towards the woodline beside to road and felt her heart stop-
Lexa was standing beside a tree in the nearby woodline dressed in the commander's armor and warpaint, the red cloak draped over her hair and her emerald eyes reaching longingly for Clarke's. Clarke parted her lips to cry out, but was silenced when Lexa turned and disappeared into the darkness of the forest.
"Wait!" Clarke shifted her body and slid off her horse. Upon landing on her feet, she darted after Lexa into the tree line, leaving Octavia and Kane on the road calling after her. The deeper she sprinted into the forest after Lexa's shadow, the more frantic her pulse became. The deafening beat of her heart against her chest drummed in her ears and silenced the shouting behind her.
"Lexa!" She screamed, pausing momentarily to lean against a tree to catch her breath. She rested her palms against her knees and darted her eyes around the forest and found herself standing alone amongst the trees.
"Clarke, what the hell?!" Octavia cried out as she bounded towards her through the obstacle of fallen tree trunks and branches, her sword clutched tight in her hand.
"I-I saw her- " Clarke panted, continuing to dart her eyes around the surrounding forest. "I saw Lexa, she-"
"- isn't here," Octavia said through the heaviness of her breath.
"No, I saw her. She was right here!"
"Clarke," Octavia reached out and wrapped her fingers around Clarke's arm, drawing her back from her panicked state, "Lexa isn't here... I'm sorry."
Clarke's heart grew heavy, and when she turned to lock eyes with Octavia she saw the pity behind her frustration. With a curt nod, Clarke suppressed the warm tears filling her eyes and turned back towards the road. Octavia reached her arm around her shoulder and offered a gentle, reassuring squeeze.
"It's alright, I've got you," Octavia's voice was kind, and Clarke could detect her choking back tears of her own. "It's only a bit further until we reach Polis, we'll be there soon."
Exiting the woodline, Clarke glanced at Kane and noticed the concern etched across his face. He said nothing and only offered her an acknowledging nod before she mounted her horse once again. The remainder of the ride was occupied with a tense silence, but Clarke preferred the silence over discussing what had just happened. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the occasional aching pulse radiating from the base of her neck.
Maybe everyone back in Arkadia are right, she thought, Maybe I am going crazy.