Spoilers: Anything up to and including the season five finale.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait between my last update and this one. I visited my family and had a rough week at work where I just wanted to play Sims 3 when I got home instead of adding the stress of writing on top of the stress of work. Plus, I decided that it was too early for the events that I initially had planned for this chapter, so I had to rearrange the chapter completely. This chapter's lyrics are from 'Concrete Angel' by Martina McBride. I would like to thank my reviewers: Phosphorescent, Anon13, emaly, MixItUp, LadyLecter47, stock2007, Lucy36, LANIKI, Guest, Maggie1903, and Anon. I love hearing from my readers; it gives me motivation to continue with the story. Please read and review! Thanks!
Chapter Two: Unrest
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Two weeks later, Penny found herself lying next to Leonard in his bed. They had just had sex, and, unlike him, Penny wasn't able to sleep. She glanced over at his peaceful form before rolling onto her side so that she couldn't see him.
The truth was Penny felt guilty. She used to fall into just as deep a sleep as him every time. The aftereffects of sex were relaxing, especially with Leonard. She had known that she could trust him, and he had quickly become a pro at foreplay even if the main event seemed to be lacking something just as it had with every other guy she had ever slept with.
Now, though, Penny didn't enjoy sex with him like she used to. Not to misunderstand, it was still a lot of fun. After all, she didn't become a big ol' five without really liking sex. She just couldn't let herself go like she used to. She spent the entire time tense and trying to force herself into the moment. Even worse, she knew exactly when and why the change had occurred.
It was that damn proposal.
Penny now lived in fear of Leonard getting too into the moment and proposing again. She spent sex braced for the point when he finished and asked her for a more serious commitment. That tension had diminished her pleasure somewhat even though Leonard was still every bit as skilled as he always had been.
Sighing, she stared at the door. She felt like she was going insane. She really looked forward to sex with him, but then once it got started, her nerves took over and she couldn't shut her brain off. It simply seemed wrong. How could she enjoy the thought so much but not actually enjoy the act as much as she used to?
She was just so worried. She loved Leonard; really, she did. But she wasn't ready for marriage. If there was anything her family had taught her, it was that marriage wasn't all it was supposed to be. Her sister's marriage was so volatile that violence was involved on a regular basis, up to and including the time that Jenny shot her husband when they were both drunk. Her parents' marriage wasn't abusive, but they had never been truly happy. Even as a child, Penny had known that her mom felt trapped. She clearly didn't want to be a mother, but that ship had sailed. It was a terrible feeling to watch the way that her parents each more or less pretended the other didn't exist.
Both experiences had made it clear to her that fairytale marriages didn't exist. Yes, fairytale weddings did, but that was just one day. Any two people could have a perfect wedding. Marriage could never be perfect. It required a lot of work, so the two people involved had to be willing to put in the effort. This realization and her knowledge of her parents' and sister's marriages had convinced Penny that she wouldn't get married until she was sure that she had found the right man. If she picked the wrong one, she would either end up a divorce statistic or miserable and trapped.
Quite frankly, Penny wasn't sure that Leonard was the right man.
Yes, she loved him, but she didn't know for sure that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She knew that if he proposed at this point, she'd have to turn him down again. She couldn't accept a proposal if she wasn't sure she meant it. And that would spell the end of their relationship. There would be no more chances. However, he didn't seem to share her doubts. So, Penny lived in fear of the day that he decided to press for a greater commitment.
Until either that happened or Penny decided that she was ready to marry him, sex wouldn't put her to sleep. It would leave her awake and needing to somehow rid herself of the excess energy caused by the anxiety.
Unable to stay there any longer, Penny slid out of the bed and quickly dressed in her panties. She was just grabbing for Leonard's shirt, as was her normal practice, when she remembered Sheldon's annoyance with her being pantsless in the apartment. Instead, she snagged her tank top and shorts and pulled them on. She doubted that he'd be awake at this hour since he hadn't dealt with insomnia since his last bout, but just in case he was, it would be easier if she didn't have to listen to his lecture. Once she was dressed, she slipped out of the room and padded quietly to the living room.
When she entered the room, she was surprised to see that the TV was on and Sheldon was sitting in his spot. He was focused on the screen, a mug, probably full of warm milk, clutched in his hands.
"Can't sleep?" she asked quietly.
Circling behind the screen, Penny dropped onto the center cushion of the couch next to him. She bit her lip when she realized that this was her spot every bit as much as the left cushion was Sheldon's. She had never thought about it before. She used to sit in the chair on a regular basis, but at some point, she had slowly stopped sitting anywhere but the center couch cushion. Well, except for those rare times when Sheldon wasn't in the apartment and she stole his spot. She did love the rush she got from sitting in the forbidden location.
"I find myself reluctantly agreeing with your initial hypothesis that my brain will no longer willingly quiet down enough to allow me to sleep," Sheldon finally responded without taking his gaze off the TV screen. "Since your last suggested solution was successful when applied, I have implemented it to help me sleep."
Leaning back against the cushion, Penny focused her own attention on the TV. The commercial that was playing faded out and the show resumed. She instantly recognized it as Scrubs. She bit back a laugh at the fact that when left to his own devices, Sheldon had still settled on the exact show that she had chosen for them during their initial experiment two weeks ago. She was a little surprised that he hadn't picked something that he was more interested in.
"So you're watching Scrubs again?" she questioned, pulling up her right leg and folding it under her.
"That was the main element of the original successful experiment. It would be illogical to change it," he pointed out, sparing a glance for her before turning back to the show.
"Sure, sweetie," she agreed easily, patting his arm.
He quickly pulled the limb away from her and she sighed. He was such a baby about physical contact. She didn't know how Amy dated him without losing her frakkin' mind. Penny knew that she couldn't handle a relationship with the whack-a-doodle. She would miss touching, kissing, and sex way too much. She frowned. Sheldon and sex did not belong in the same thought.
She tried to concentrate on the show, but she had seen the episode that was on at least half a dozen times, so her attention quickly wandered. She, like the rest of the guys, had often wondered what Sheldon's deal was. Hell, to be completely honest, it wasn't even Leonard who had caught her attention when she had first met her neighbors all those years ago. It was the tall, shy guy who had proceeded to tell her about his work when he caught her checking out his whiteboard. She had loved the enthusiasm that he had shown then. His gorgeous blue eyes had sparkled and his tone was excited. He had clearly loved the subject, and she had adored him for it even if she hadn't understood a word he said.
Then they had moved out of the realm of science and all of his crazy had just come spilling out. No longer could she see him as a romantic interest, yet he was still a puzzle that she wanted to solve. The other guys were easy, but Sheldon's quirks sparked Penny's curious side. She wondered what had happened to him in the past to make him so terrified of germs. Why did he shun all romantic contact? Was he straight, gay, or asexual? Why did he have such a strict routine? The question that had always bothered her the most, though, was about his spot. He described his spot as his 0,0,0,0. It was his one point of consistency in an ever-changing world. However, Sheldon's world was so driven by his routine, she didn't understand why he needed a spot like that since his world wasn't really ever-changing.
And that made her think that maybe Sheldon was keeping some of the worst parts of his childhood to himself. The parts that had thrown his world so off-balance that even now, as a man in his thirties, he desperately needed a location that was his and his alone.
Some of her questions had been answered over the years, of course. His relationship with Amy suggested that he was straight even if there still wasn't any kind of physical side to it. He had explained his routine to her repeatedly. It was all about keeping his mind and body in perfect balance so that his work benefited. Whenever his routine was off, his work suffered. She still didn't have the answers to the most important questions, though.
Yes, Sheldon occupied a very special spot in her life. He didn't lust after her, she didn't want to date him, and yet she couldn't imagine her life without him, annoying, crazy habits included. It was just one more reason why her relationship with Leonard had to work this time. She couldn't risk losing her place in Sheldon's social group.
"While I am perfectly capable of tuning out distractions, I must ask that you cease staring at me as I would an equation on my whiteboard. It is extremely annoying."
Sheldon's words and subsequent glare brought Penny out of her thoughts. Feeling slightly embarrassed, she didn't say a word, choosing instead to focus back in on J.D.'s current antics.
"I believe my brain is sufficiently soothed to allow sleep now," Sheldon announced abruptly two episodes later. "Goodnight, Penny."
Coming out of the stupor the show had lulled her into, Penny watched him drop his mug in the sink and hurry down the hall. She heard the click of his door seconds later. Stretching her arms, she stood up and turned the TV off. Hoping that she could also sleep now, she headed to Leonard's room.
It wouldn't be good for him to find out that she never stayed in bed after sex.
ooooo
Penny had just changed into her uniform when the knock sounded at her door Wednesday evening. The noise came only once, instead of the more common trio of knocks followed by her name repeated three times, so she knew that it wasn't Sheldon at her door. Curious, since Amy and Bernadette always called first and neither Raj nor Howard had ever visited her apartment without an invitation, Penny figured that it must be Leonard. When she pulled open the door, she found that she was right.
"Hi, Leonard," she greeted him with a smile.
He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, a sheepish expression on his face.
"Hi, Penny."
Holding back a sigh when she realized that his expression meant that he either had bad news or needed a favor (or, given her usual luck, both), Penny stepped to the side to let him in. After shuffling into the center of the room, he avoided her gaze, choosing to instead take in the mess in her living room. She waited for a moment for him to say whatever it was he needed to. When about a minute passed and he still hadn't spoken or even really looked at her, she covertly checked her watch.
"Sweetie, I have to be at work in twenty minutes. What do you need?" she finally prompted bluntly.
He finally met her eyes. "I thought you had the night off."
She lifted one shoulder as she headed to the bathroom to fix her hair and makeup.
"One of the waitresses called out sick so they asked me to help cover the dinner shift," she explained, stopping in front of the sink and picking up her brush.
"Oh," he murmured, stopping in the doorway to the bathroom behind her.
She met his eyes in the mirror. "So, out with it. What are you here for?"
As she gathered her hair into a ponytail, she watched him run his hand over his neck again before answering.
"I've been working to validate the results of an experiment conducted at MIT a couple of months ago. I've finished the initial prep work, but I've run into a large problem. Leslie Winkle has booked the laser lab every day for the next month."
When he paused, Penny got the feeling that he was waiting for some sort of reaction from her. She didn't really understand his work, but she did understand competition between co-workers. She settled on the same response that she had when one of the other waitresses slept with their boss so that he'd give her the best-tipping shifts.
"That bitch!" she exclaimed.
This was apparently the right reaction because Leonard smiled before continuing.
"Because of that, the laser lab is only available for use at night right now. So..." he trailed off, clearly not wanting to finish the sentence.
"So you'll be working nights until you finish the experiment," Penny finished for him, wrapping an elastic around the base of her ponytail.
He nodded. "I have to cancel our date for tomorrow night and postpone any future ones."
Although Penny was upset, she didn't let it show on her face. She knew that Leonard's work was important (although Sheldon would definitely argue that point), so she couldn't exactly fault him for taking advantage of the lab during the only time he could. So instead of yelling like she wanted, she forced a smile and nodded.
"That's okay, Leonard. I understand," she said, quickly applying her makeup as she spoke.
He smiled at her via the mirror. "Thanks, Penny. I have to go. Sheldon's waiting for his ride to the comic book store."
As he walked away, a thought occurred to Penny and she dropped the lip gloss she was holding. She hurried after Leonard.
"Wait!" she called.
He stopped with his hand on the door knob and turned his head. "What?"
"What about Dr. Whack-a-doodle?" she questioned, gesturing toward her front door.
"Sheldon?" he asked, confusion on his features. "What about him?"
"Well, he depends on you for a lot, you know. Who's going to do all of that stuff for him while you're working nights?" she asked urgently.
She just knew that if Leonard didn't plan for his absence, all of his usual responsibilities would fall on her since she was the friend who lived closest to them. And she did not want to have to deal with the bat-shit crazy physicist's demands for the next however many weeks.
Leonard brushed off her concerns. "Raj is driving him to and from work, and I'm sure he can take care of himself otherwise. He's an adult, Penny. He'll just have to deal with a few changes to his routine. It's not like it'll last forever."
Taking the few steps toward her, he leaned forward and kissed her briefly.
"I'll see you as soon as I'm done with my experiment," he stated before leaving.
The sound of the door shutting softly behind him rang through the apartment so loudly that he may as well have slammed it. For a moment, Penny just stood there staring at the place where he had disappeared. She was upset that she wouldn't see him anytime soon, as selfish as she felt for it. Shoving the feeling aside, Penny realized that unlike her, Leonard could one day help change the world with his work. She sighed deeply and headed back to the bathroom to finish getting ready for her shift.
Besides, it wasn't like anything important would happen during the brief time that she wouldn't see him.
ooooo
Penny stepped into the kitchen at work the next night. All of her tables were caught up and she wanted just two seconds to get something to drink and stretch her tired arms. It had been a very long day and she was starting to worry that time had stopped. Sheldon would tell her that was impossible or, at the very least, improbable - she wasn't exactly sure about the probability that time could stop but she was certain that he could tell her.
Clasping her hands, she stretched her arms above her head. She loved this particular stretch. It worked the kinks out of both her arms and her spine.
"Here, Penny."
Lowering her arms, she took the glass of water that one of the busboys was offering her with a friendly smile.
"Thank you, Alex."
He grinned shyly back before leaving the kitchen with his large tub tucked under his arm to clear one of the tables. Shaking her head at his obvious infatuation with her (she hadn't even asked for the water), she sipped the cool, clear liquid. She was just starting to relax so that she could face the last hours of her shift when the cashier poked her head into the kitchen.
"Hey, Penny, you've got a call."
Frowning, Penny finished her water and placed the glass with the rest of the dirty dishes next to the sink. As she left the kitchen, there were several thoughts swirling through her head. The first was that something had happened to Leonard during his experiment. As soon as she dismissed that one, she began to wonder if something had happened to one of her family members. Maybe this was the call that she'd been subconsciously waiting for, the one that informed her that one of her siblings had either died or been arrested (again in her brother's case) due to their dangerous lives and relationships. By the time she picked up the receiver at the front desk, she had worked herself into a nervous wreck.
"Hello."
"Penny?" an all-too-familiar voice responded.
And just like that, her nerves died down.
"Sheldon?" she mimicked, a grin playing at her lips.
"That isn't a proper way to answer the phone," he admonished her in a stern tone.
Tapping her index finger on the desk, she replied, "Hey, I said hello. But have I heard a 'Hi, Penny' yet? I don't think so."
She heard his exasperated sigh and bit her lip. She could just picture the annoyed expression that was probably on his face right now. She had certainly seen it often enough in the past when she corrected his social behavior.
"Fine. Hi, Penny," he finally said, his tone conveying his aggravation clearly.
"So to what do I owe the pleasure of you bothering me while I'm at work?" she asked, her cheery tone at odds with the words.
"You are not where you're supposed to be," he answered in an irritated voice.
Confused, she tried to remember if she had forgotten any plans that she'd had for the night. She had initially had a date planned with Leonard, but he had cancelled yesterday because of work. She hadn't made any other plans, and definitely none with Sheldon.
"Sweetie, I didn't have anywhere that I was supposed to be tonight," she finally responded.
"Yes, you did," he argued. "You work the lunch shift on Thursdays, so, given the cancellation of your date with Leonard, you should be home right now. Yet when I knocked on your door, you were not there."
She rolled her eyes. "That's because I'm here."
"Obviously," he replied in what she considered his 'duh' tone. "However, you should not be there. So why are you there, and why did you not answer your cell phone when I called you?"
Now drumming her fingers on the desk, she answered, "Molly's still out sick, so I agreed to work a double today to cover for her. And I didn't answer my phone because I leave it in my locker at work so that I don't get in trouble." She frowned. "Why were you even looking for me? Isn't tonight your date night with Amy?"
"Ricky the monkey is once again staying with her and currently going through nicotine withdrawal. Amy chose to stay with him tonight to clean the mess that he made of her apartment while she was at work today."
"And you didn't want to help her?" Penny asked.
That question would be sarcastic if she was talking to anyone else, but this was Sheldon. He still occasionally broke into her apartment when she wasn't home to clean simply because the thought of somewhere that he visited regularly being messy bothered him. She thought that Amy's apartment probably fell under that category now.
"No, Penny," he answered seriously. "Do you know how germ-ridden primate feces is? I would be risking my health and well-being if I assisted her, and my work would suffer as a result."
She wrinkled her nose in disgust at the mental picture of Amy's apartment in its current state that popped into her head with his response.
"Oh gross. Yeah, I definitely wouldn't help her either."
"Of course you wouldn't. You don't even clean your own apartment."
She was just getting ready to explain that yes, she did clean her apartment just not to his standards, when the hostess approached.
"Hey, Penny. I hate to interrupt, but tables five and seven are ready for their checks, and I just seated table two," she said.
Penny nodded her understanding before turning her attention back to the phone.
"Listen, Sheldon, I have to get back to work. Good night."
"Wait," he hurried to say before she could hang up.
Trying not to groan her annoyance at the interruption as table five gestured to her, she asked, "What is it, Sheldon?"
"You'll watch Scrubs with me tonight, right?"
"Leonard's at work, so I'm staying in my own apartment," she pointed out.
"But we watch Scrubs at 10 PM every night."
The uncertainty in his voice where she would expect whining and the fact that he considered their recent viewings of the show while they tried to fall asleep each night to be part of his routine warmed her. How could she possibly say no?
"I get off work at ten, but I'll come over as soon as I can," she assured him.
"That's not quite on schedule, but it's acceptable," he agreed before hanging up.
Penny made a face at the phone in response to the fact that she apparently didn't merit a goodbye before dropping it back in the cradle. Fixing her work smile on her face, she headed over to table five.
It was going to be an even longer few hours now that she had plans.
ooooo
Penny was curled up on the center cushion of the couch Sunday night watching the interns deal with their visiting parents when her cell phone vibrated on the coffee table. Ignoring the irritated glare Sheldon sent her direction, she reached out and picked it up, checking the screen. When she saw that it was her nephew, she hopped off the couch. Hurrying into the corner of the kitchen, she faced the counter and answered the phone.
"Hello."
"Aunt Penny?"
She grinned at the familiar sound of Scott's voice. At sixteen, it was mature and deep, but it still had the same underlying sweetness that had always been there.
"Hi, Scott. Do you need something, sweetie?"
There was a long hesitation on his end, but Penny waited patiently for him to answer. She knew that he wasn't used to having someone see his needs and wants as important. Jenny and Johnny were always so wrapped up in their destructive relationship that Scott often got pushed aside. She was sure that was part of the reason why he called her at least once a week if not more, although he usually called earlier than he had tonight.
"Can I come stay with you?" he finally asked in a quiet voice.
Penny's heart rate picked up at the question. She hated to ask, but she knew that she had to.
Glancing over her shoulder to make sure that Sheldon was absorbed in the show, Penny questioned softly, "Have they hit you, Scott?"
"No!" he exclaimed loudly, causing Penny to wince and hold the phone away from her ear for a moment before putting it back in place. "They never touch me. I don't think they even know I'm here most of the time."
"Then why do you want to visit me?" she asked, truly curious. "Wouldn't it be easier to stay with Grandpa Wyatt?"
"No," he said again, although more quietly. "He and Grandma Ellie fight all the time now. The last time I was there, she accidentally hit me with the Precious Moments figurine that she threw at Grandpa. I just want to go some place where there's no hitting, yelling, or name-calling. Please, Aunt Penny? Can I come stay with you for a week or two this summer?"
Bowing her head, Penny ran her fingers through her hair where it had fallen in a curtain around her. The desperation that she could hear in Scott's voice broke her heart. She had adored her nephew since she had first set eyes on him at the age of ten. And she had hated knowing the atmosphere that he was raised in, but she also knew there was nothing that she could do except pay attention to him when he called. She had always wanted to have him visit her, but she couldn't afford a plane ticket for him and she knew that her sister couldn't either. If she would even let him come.
"Scott, I would love to have you here, but I don't have the money for airfare," she admitted, hoping he would trust her.
She knew that her sister thought that she made a lot of money simply because she lived in a large city. Somehow, Penny's geographical location in Pasadena had translated into living a life of extravagance in Jenny's mind. She wasn't shy about asking for money whenever she needed medical care after her latest fight with her husband. It never occurred to her that Penny was only just barely surviving on what she made waitressing and that some months she went without so that she could help her family back home.
"I know, Aunt Penny," he responded. "You're a waitress and, unlike mom, I know that you don't make a whole lot. I got a job at McDonald's when I turned sixteen, though. I had to use most of my money to help pay the bills, but I managed to save a hundred bucks. If you book my flight since I don't have a credit card, I'll give you that when I'm out there and I'll pay you back the rest as soon as I can once I'm back home."
Penny closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. She wanted so badly to give him what he wanted, but she wasn't sure how she would scrape together enough to cover his ticket. Still...
"Alright. I'll figure out something. When do you want to come out?" she finally asked.
"Can I visit for the Fourth of July?" he requested, his tone much happier now that she had agreed.
She winced. That wouldn't give her much time to make the money she needed since it was already the middle of June. In fact, it only gave her two weeks. She couldn't bring herself to disappoint him, though, so she nodded. When she remembered that he was on the phone and couldn't see her nod, she voiced her response.
"I'd love to spend the holiday with you."
After making arrangements to call him back with his flight information as soon as she had it booked, Penny hung up. She felt like she had been punched right in the gut. Her parents were fighting so badly that Scott didn't want to visit them, and she knew that her childhood home had always been his safe haven. Things had clearly gotten bad if Scott was so desperate to escape home that he would use what little money he had saved up to get away. And the fact that most of his money was used on bills, bills that Jenny and Johnny should damn well take care of themselves, made her want to cry. No one should have to deal with what he did on a daily basis. She wished there was something more that she could do for him, but she didn't know what.
It was with a heavy heart that Penny crossed back to the couch. Slumping down on the middle cushion, she stared unseeing at the TV screen, her mind working over ways that she could get enough money for Scott's plane ticket. Her credit cards were all maxed out, so she needed money that she could put toward one of them to clear enough funds for the ticket.
"Who is Scott?"
Sheldon's voice dragged her back into the present, and she answered easily.
"My nephew."
"Who hit him?"
Cursing his Vulcan hearing, Penny scowled at him.
"No one did."
His expression was serious as he contemplated her answer.
"Penny, if you need help..."
"Drop it, Sheldon," she said sternly.
"But..."
She shook her head. "I don't want to discuss it, okay? It's my problem, and I'll figure something out on my own."
"Very well," he conceded, although his expression was troubled.
They turned their attention back to the show, but Penny couldn't get into it. Her thoughts were trapped over 1500 miles away with a family that had crumbled beyond what it had even been when she dreamed of the day that she would escape them. Apparently even that distance hadn't been enough to free her from their dysfunction lately.
As she considered Scott's words and his pleading tone, she could feel the tears welling in her eyes. She didn't want to make Sheldon uncomfortable, so she tried to hold them back. She was mostly successful, but one managed to escape and trail down her cheek. Reaching up, she discreetly wiped it away.
"There, there."
The words were accompanied by two awkward pats to her shoulder that were so light Penny wondered if she imagined them. Glancing at her companion, she saw the slight pink tint to his cheeks and knew that she hadn't made up the pats. For the first time since she got off the phone with Scott, she felt marginally better.
Sheldon had broken his own rule about physical contact to comfort her, so how could she not?
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate