Warning: Chapter contains slash and language.

Love Story: Part One

I'll picture Rat Kiley's face, his grief, and I'll think, You dumb cooze.
Because she wasn't listening.
It wasn't a war story. It was a love story.
-Tim O'Brien
The Things They Carried

"Damn –it Sirius we're in a war!"

"You think I don't know that!" Sirius whirled on me; his hand slammed again the wall. "You think every fucking minute of every fucking day I don't know that! Every second I'm stuck in this house you don't think I know that! I'm useless! I can't do a damn thing to help the order, pardon me for being a little restless!"

I was halfway back to a more usual level of stress, something that made me see a little less red, until that last sentence. My anger geysered up of it's own accord.

"OH!" I yelled back. "And that's a reason to go and risk your neck needlessly! Back in the first war a stunt like that might have worked but Voldemort has Peter now! He's going to know you're an animagi!"

Sirius barred his teeth.

"I went to see my godson on his way! I was worried about him!"

"You were antsy! You just wanted a little excitement! I know you Sirius, and I know how you are! I would have thought that twelve years in Azkaban might have matured you a little-"

I stopped.

Sirius's eyes told me I had gone one step too far. As the lead dropped in my stomach I dropped my face into my hands. I could feel Sirius moving away from me, edging along the wall so he wouldn't have to come too close. His defenses were slammed up. He moved around me to the center of the room, now I was the one at the disadvantage.

"Is that what you think of me." he whispered.

"No Sirius. You know that's not-"

"No Remus, I don't know! I haven't known for twelve fucking years! We were brothers, we were friends! I stood by that and spent half my life in Azkaban for it. Labeled a fucking traitor by the only people I ever trusted." He was advancing now. His anger had gotten the better of him. I was just starting to understand how betrayed he must have felt.

His hand pushed against my shoulder. "Don't hide your face from me." he snarled. "Don't go acting like a coward."

But I was, I was a coward. And I felt like a fucking idiot, and his insult was so close to home I could nothing but push back against the truth of it. My hands dropped and balled into fists.

"Don't call me a coward." I hissed. Don't you ever-"

"But you were weren't you." Sirius said softly, shoving me again. I stumbled and my back hit the wall. For a moment I thought he was going to hit me, but he didn't. That made him the bigger man. "Your anger proves it. You didn't think I was capable of turning on James and Lily. But you let me rot in that place anyway. I bet you didn't even speak up."

"All the evidence said-"

"What did you think Remus!? A smart guy like you must be able to think for yourself! I spent twelve years, betrayed, in the closest place to hell on this earth and you have the fucking stomach to tell me I haven't matured. To treat me like an adolescent. That makes you a coward."

I punched him. "Fuck you!" I yelled. "Fuck you Sirius and your whole god damned family!" I knew, even as the words left my mouth, that they were the words of a coward. But I didn't care. I was too scared, too angry, to stop. "You have no right to go risking your neck like that!"

Sirius opened his mouth. I hit him again to make him shut up. Make him listen. His left hand still clutched at my shoulder, it tightened, but didn't let go.

"Your life isn't so indispensable! You have people who care about you! People who would hurt if you let yourself get killed just because you were feeling useless. What about your godson, Sirius? What about me?!

"I promised myself I'd tell you. I promised that if, by some miracle, I got you back again I would make myself tell you! But now I wonder if you're even worth it." I didn't mean that last sentence, not by a long shot.

Sirius had gone quiet. The rage had fled from his face. It silenced me, took the fight right out of my bones. I turned my face away.

"What did you promise yourself you'd tell me?" he asked. His voice was soft, rational. I felt like a teenager again, brought back to sense by a patient teacher.

I bit my lip and told myself to stop being such a coward.

Looking him in the eyes was like ripping out a deep splinter. It stung. And it made me reflect on the stupid mistake that had gotten me the splinter in the first place.

"I'm in love with you-you fucking idiot." I couldn't hold his gaze. I wanted to walk away and disappear but his hand kept me in place. I stared up at the ceiling and closed my eyes. "I always was."

Sirius let me go and took a step back. "I...I can't believe I didn't see it. That's why you were always..."

"Yes."

"Remus, man...I..." Sirius sat down in a chair. "I feel like a total ass."

"Don't."

"No, I'm serious. The jokes I made, the way I treated you. I-I'm really sorry."

I waved my hand dismissively, still unable to look at him. "It's okay. I should be apologizing anyway. I didn't mean what I said, about you being immature or unworthy."

"Hey, I know. And you had every reason to be mad. I was careless, you were right."

I looked him and there were tears in my eyes.

"Oh Remus, I wish-"

My heart was breaking in my chest.

"You don't have to say it."

"I wish I could love you back. That way."

Snap.

"Sirius you can't help the way you feel." My voice was giving way to the tears. But I wasn't embarrassed, because I couldn't help the way I felt. And right then I felt like my beating heart was being ripped out of my living chest.

I stared at Sirius, who stared back at me, pale and concerned, and thanked God that he was at least alive. Then I nodded, and took a deep breath, and left. I told myself it was all for the best, chances were one or both of us wouldn't survive this time around anyway.

How was I supposed to know? There must be a reason that we can only remember the past and not the future. Maybe because if we could see the future we wouldn't take any chances, we wouldn't bother. We'd never let ourselves fall in love and we'd float apart faster than this failing universe. Alone and isolated, drifting...

Sirius waited for two weeks until he had me alone. I don't know how he managed it; I'd been avoiding the possibility of such a situation as though my life depended on it. It was cowardly, again, but I didn't want any more hurt.

It was after a meeting of the Order, the others were in the kitchen still, saying goodbye. Sirius pulled me aside, into the same room where we'd fought, and closed the door.

"Remus we're in a war." he said.

"I know." I told him.

"And that's why I couldn't let this opportunity pass. I've been thinking...and for all that I ran away and forsook the name I think that maybe I might be just as near sighted and blind as my parents were. There are some things I still have trouble coming to grips with, wrapping my head around you know? I must have inherited the Black strategy for dealing. Repress and deny."

I looked at him blankly. "What are you saying?"

Sirius put his hands on either side of my neck and I was suddenly short of breath.

"I'm asking you if you won't stay the night."

He pushed me back against the wall and kissed me. His hands moved down to my waist and I locked my arms around him like he might vanish if I let go. I kissed him back and allowed myself to be led into the bedroom. Why? Because I was in love and love is blind.

And there was no way I could have known how my love story would end.