He stared up into the sky running the names of the constellations through his mind without really intending to. Ara, Camelopardis, Cancer, Aries, Carina, Gemini, Hydra, Delphinus. He was lying on his back in the Potter's backyard; the grass was wet having collected dew as late evening gave way to early morning. Fornax, Grus, Horologium, Perseus, Sagitta. The smoke from his cigarette swirled up into the darkness creating ghostly images of its own. Sextans, Serpens, Pictor.
The lights from the house had slowly gone out, one after another, after another, until Sirius was left with the darkness, his thoughts, and the stars. Taurus, Norma, Reticulum, Mensa. No one had followed him, not for a lack of trying or care. James had followed him as far as the back door but Sirius had shrugged off his friend's hand on his arm with a certain violence that had stopped James in his tracks. Musca, Pavo, Indus, Horologium, Volans, Vela. There was too much rambling through his mind for him to really focus on any one thought for too long. Telescopium, Pyxis, Monoceos.
He could feel the wetness from the grass soaking into his jeans and the cold was only just starting to creep into his skin. He wished it was moving faster, that the coldness would creep into his bones and deeper. That somehow, it would cure the burning ache he felt. The freedom he expected to replace the hatred for his parents had never come. Octans, Volans, Antlia, Dorado. Sirius stubbed out his cigarette on the ground beside him, and withdrew the pack bringing it to his lip and shaking one loose. Once it was lit and he felt the familiar burn he turned his eyes back to the sky. Orion.
Sirius heard the back door open and close and footsteps come out across the patio and then hesitate. When they picked up again, Sirius took another slow drag and stared upwards.
Fucking Orion.
A warm body settled in next to him on the grass, Sirius could tell that it was Remus by the sound of his breathing. When you share a dorm for five years, you learn things. Peter's breaths were shallow and carried a slight wheeze. James' breathing was erratic as if the boundless energy of his personality had leaked into his lungs. And Remus, his breathing was like everything else about the werewolf: steady, even, and quiet.
"Stars are bright tonight." Remus said and Sirius could tell by his tone that his friend was tired.
"Yeah." Sirius let a heavy breath, his eyes still on the sky. Lupus.
They lay there in silence for a long time. Remus' shoulder bumped into him and Sirius pushed his own back against it.
"Why don't they love us?" Sirius asked his breath cold and more melancholy than he had intended.
Remus didn't answer but Sirius hadn't expected him to. He looked back up at the sky and he felt Remus' warm hand close over his own. And then he started speaking, his voice sounding like a prayer, his hand wrapped around Sirius' and only the stars and the silence of the night surrounding them.
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul—"
Remus' voice was as always quiet and firm, and Sirius' hand tightened around Remus' fingers. It wasn't the first time Remus had recited poetry, but here in the clear night, with all the pain and bitterness that bled out between them, Remus' gentle tones were more haunting then they were comforting.
"In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed—"
Sirius closed his eyes, shutting out the mocking lights of Orion's star and let the words wash over him trying to find peace enough in his mind to remember them.
"Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid—"
Sirius wanted to turn his head and look at Remus but the moment was fragile, and he felt that if he did so the steady comfort of it would be lost. He turned Remus' hand in his and laced their fingers together.
"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."
Remus' voice didn't trail off so much as it seemed to echo into the night, there was a firmness that rang in the final words and seemed to call back to them. After a moment Sirius turned his head and looked at his friend. Remus had always kept his hair short, but it was still long enough that pieces hung down and mingled with the grass, his eyes seemed to glow golden and but his features were impassive, unrelenting, and shuttered. When Remus turned to look at Sirius their eyes met and whatever words Sirius had been considering speaking died on his tongue.
"That's you, Sirius." Remus said, his voice lower and quieter than it had been before. "The unconquerable soul."
Sirius' eyes didn't leave Remus' deep brown ones. "No, that's us."
He leant forward pressing his forehead against Remus'. "Bloody, but unbowed."
They slipped again into silence, and Sirius was aware of the intimacy of the moment, and his fingers tingled where they criss-crossed with Remus' thinner ones. For a moment, lying in the grass with the dew settling upon their clothes, the stars of Sirius' past bearing down on them, and the warmth of their skin where it touched; there in the silence and the loneliness of the morning after he had left everything behind, Sirius felt as though he was touching Remus' soul.
*
Breakfast the morning after Sirius arrived at the Potters was a tense affair. Ava and Harold had seemed to be bracing themselves for something, what it was Sirius couldn't be sure. Peter was attempting to keep a conversation going solely on his own, which would have been helpful if it weren't for the fact that both James and Remus were unwilling participants. James stared alternately at his plate and at Sirius with equaling amounts of pain and anger that Sirius imagined is what brothers were supposed to feel in these types of circumstances. Remus sat quietly at Sirius' right side, his silence no less obvious but far more comforting to Sirius.
When the meal broke up Sirius wandered to the living room and stared at the fire and wished desperately that things could be normal again. That the Marauders could some how just snap back into their casual lives of laughter and pranks and talking about unimportant things. He looked up as Harold sat down and looked at him, his features darkened and ominous.
"Sirius." Harold's voice was deep and sure in the way that commanded attention and obedience. "Orion is going to come here, you know that?"
Sirius only nodded thankful that Harold hadn't said your father.
"I have Alphard's flat, I'll go there. I don't mean for the trouble." Sirius said his thoughts straying to the memory of Orion's rings.
Harold shook his head and sighed. "It isn't as easy as that I'm afraid. You're still underage and you're required to have a guardian."
There was no fear in Sirius, only acceptance. He would return because Orion by rights owned him.
"Sirius, I'll speak to your father." Harold said finally. "You are always welcomed here. But I cannot promise you anything."
Sirius looked up and nodded mutely, acceptance of an unsure future was all he had to hold onto.
Later, Sirius had gone up to James' room and found the other boys lounging. Remus sprawled on James' bed reading, James and Peter on the floor a half-finished game of chess between them. They all looked up when Sirius entered and he sighed closing the door between them.
Sirius had grown tired and frustrated with silence. "Look—so my father likes to hit me."
There was an awkward moment between the four of them before there came a partially muffled snort from Remus' direction. Sirius looked at him and they held each other's gaze for barely a few seconds and then they both began to laugh. It was moments before James and Peter joined laughing awkwardly at first and then relaxing into it.
Remus spoke out as their laughter ebbed. "Trust, Padfoot to just hang it out there."
Sirius smiled. "Can we come off it then?"
A beat of silence followed, and then a pillow hit him in the face. Sirius moved with out thinking and lunged at Remus who for once had not been able to get out of the way. The force of Sirius' impact sent them both falling off the side of the bed, Remus' foot catching the side of Peter's head as they went.
"Oi!" Peter yelped and pushed the offending leg away from him and managing to upset the chessboard, which sent both James and their disturbed pieces into a frenzy of complaints. James stood up and kicked Sirius in the shin, only to have his own foot caught by deft hands and yanked out from under him.
Ten minutes later the four boys lay sweaty and panting on the floor.
"I don't know about you guys but I'm off it." James said resting his arm across his eyes.
"I'm off it." Peter piped up between wheezes.
"Me too." Remus said quietly pushing Sirius' shoulder and causing him to roll on to his back.
"Fantastic." Sirius said finally.
*
It was three-days before anything interrupted the normalcy that had settled amongst the friends. Three-days of easy breathing and simplicity and then Remus had made the mistake of commenting in an off-hand way, that James and Sirius would be hard pressed to pull off pranks as well without the use of magic. This comment, of course, was taken as nothing short of a challenge. The first prank had been on Remus, who was embarrassed to wake up covered in raspberry preserve after James had tickled his nose with a feather while he was asleep. Remus' embarrassment was nothing, however, in comparison to Peter, who had needed to use magic to clean his sheets after Sirius had placed his hand in a bowl of warm water that same night. But it was the final prank that would seal it and give all four boys a sense of Marauder-style justice.
James, Sirius, Remus and Peter sat on the bottom steps just inside the foyer staring at the door watching as a bucket of water swayed ominously above it, held up by a rope that wrapped around a low beam on the ceiling and trailed down into James' nervous hand. Peter was chewing his lip, and Remus couldn't seem to stop shaking his head at them.
"I don't know that dumping a bucket of water on your host's head is proper etiquette." Remus said after a moment.
"Oh come on, Moony. It'll be funny, my dad won't be too mad." James said but the shake of his hand and the slight insecurity in his tone was not convincing to anyone.
Suddenly there came voices outside, and all four teenagers were too caught up in anticipation to realize that the voices were both male and raised near to yelling. The bucket quivered and then the door opened.
Harold Potter came through the door forcefully causing the top edge of it to nick the bottom of the bucket which began to sway in earnest, four pairs of eyes widened as they took in the imposing figure that entered after him and Sirius cast his eyes from Orion's furious features to James' hands just in time to see the rope slip from between his shocked friend's fingers.
Sirius turned his head and it all seemed to happen with a tortuous slowness. The rope flung itself forward as the weight of the bucket rocked again and overturned spilling its contents directly over Orion Black's head. There was deathly silence as the bucket fell to the ground, cracking loudly against the hardwood floor and then a steady drip, drip, drip became the loudest sound in the room.
Every muscle in Sirius' body was tense as he watched the emotion play across his father's face, confusion, realization, anger, fury, determination. He flinched involuntarily as his father took a step closer but Harold was quicker and placed his body between Orion and Sirius.
"Well, you needed too cool off anyway." The older Potter said, the corner of his mouth upturned ever so slightly and Sirius couldn't hold back the snort of laughter that escaped from him.
"Sirius. It's time for you to come home." The voice was steely and Sirius raised his chin out of pure instinct.
"Orion, if you take that boy out of here, the entirety of the Auror Department will descend upon your house within an hour." Harold said his voice just as strong and laced with an equal amount of malice.
"Are you threatening me Potter?" Orion bit out his eyes flashing dangerously.
"Of Course not, Orion." Harold said with a sickeningly polite pretense. "But, I know that the department has been itching to search your home and I wonder if you aren't a little concerned about what they'd find."
Drip, drip, drip.
"Have him then." Orion said as if the dismissal was his intention. "He's no son of mine, but you take this responsibility in its entirety, Potter."
Sirius couldn't breathe. Drip, drip, drip.
"A responsibility that I gladly accept." Harold said easily.
Drip.
Sirius met his father's eyes over Harold's shoulder.
"No son of mine." Orion said again, aiming for a reaction that he'd never get out of Sirius. And then he was gone, sweeping out the door and Sirius stared at the empty space where he had been. He was only vaguely aware of Harold turning towards where they now stood at the base of the stairs.
"Meant for me was it?" The older man said a mix of humor and disapproval in his tone.
And then James bumped into Sirius in his haste to make a run for the back door as his father came after him with quick and graceful steps. Sirius, Remus and Peter looked at each other in silence as James' shouted mocking apologies got further away. Remus looked at Sirius and Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"Merlin, Peter. You know what this means?" Sirius asked turning to the blonde boy.
"Remus was wrong." Peter said his voice filled with mock-awe.
"Remus was wrong." Sirius said with a nod as Remus rolled his eyes. "Say it Moony, say that you're wrong and I'm right and that we prank just as well without magic."
Remus' eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest. "No."
"Denial." Sirius said turning to Peter who smiled. "First stage of grief."
*
Sirius and James were hovering above the ground by about twenty feet, below them Remus was lounging against a tree reading a book. James waved his wand, conjured a ball of water and hurled it at Remus. They both watched as the ball sailed through the air and splashed against the shield Remus had conjured.
"Moony's no fun for this kind of thing." James said with over-dramatic exasperation. "Too bad Peter had to go home."
Sirius shrugged, and hurled a ball of paint downwards. The bright red splashed against the shield and splattered on the tree and grass, Remus looked up from his reading and flipped Sirius the finger.
"That's not very nice Moons!" Sirius shouted down with him earning a sardonic half-smile from his friend. Sirius looked over at James who had gone suspiciously silent.
"What's got you thinking so hard over there, Prongs?" Sirius asked.
"Lily Evans." James said with a sigh.
Sirius shook his head, of course, Lily Evans. "When are you going to get on from that mate? She's clearly not interested."
"You don't understand." James said sadly. "I love her."
Sirius sent another ball of paint down at Remus but missed and hit the tree above his head.
"Yeah, yeah." Sirius responded. "But how do you know you love her? I mean you've never really talked to her."
James' brow creased. "You don't talk to any of the girls you shag."
Sirius laughed. "I never said I loved them."
Sirius flicked his wand and sent a ball of water in Remus' this time and looked back at James.
"I think this is going to be my year." James said. "She'll come around this year."
Sirius rolled his eyes, "You've said that every year since you first laid eyes on her."
"This year's going to be different." James responded confidently.
Sirius was going to respond that James had said that every year as well but something wet and sticky suddenly hit him in the side of the head. He reached his hand up and it came back down covered in pink paint. He looked down at Remus who was now standing, wand in the air, and an unexpected wide grin on his face. James was laughing so hard that he was nearly falling off his broom. Sirius' eyes drifted to where Remus' book lay abandoned next to the tree and he smiled.
"Right then." He said and pushed his broom in the direction of the tree. Remus caught on to Sirius' intention but wasn't fast enough and Sirius scooped up the book before returning to his place to hover.
"Give it back, Sirius." Remus called up to him.
Sirius winked at him and looked at the book, Daring Defense: Unusual spells and their effectiveness in Dueling. Well, it was a step up from The Complete History of Goblin and Wizard Relations.
"Come on Sirius!" Remus called again. "You'll make me lose my place."
Sirius laughed and conjured a small rope and before placing his wand between his teeth and tying the rope securely around the book. He tied the other end of the rope around his broom and looked down at Remus.
"You'll have to come and get it Moony." Sirius said and dropped the book. It bounced at the end of the string before simply hanging there, swaying slightly in the breeze.
"Sirius! You're a right prat you know that?" Remus called up.
"Hey! Nice rhyme Moony!" James called down to their friend.
Sirius laughed as he watched Remus who had turned his glare on James. He glided down so the book hung just a foot out of Remus' reach. Remus jumped a little, arms outstretched, but it was to no avail.
"Are you a wizard or not?" James shouted down and Remus stared at him before raising his wand and sending a severing hex in the direction of the rope. Sirius darted out of the way and sent a green ball of paint at Remus catching him in the shoulder. James applauded enthusiastically until he was struck with a purple ball himself, Sirius tried to muffle his laugh but couldn't quite manage and James turned to him a mock glare on his face and purple dots covering his glasses, he raised his wand slowly and Sirius took off dragging Remus' book in his wake.
By the time they called a truce, each of them was multi-colored and even Remus' book hadn't escaped the massive attack of yellow that James had sent at Sirius. They were heading back into the house when Ava came out camera in hand. Sirius had never felt so whole as he did then, standing between Remus and James, arms around each other's shoulders, covered in paint and happiness. As Ava readied the camera Sirius was oblivious to the secret look that Remus and James shared and to the silent movement of their wands. Just as the flash went off they turned simultaneously and two balls of paint exploded on Sirius' head.
*
The summer drew to a close with surprising speed, and soon James and Sirius found themselves in Diaigon Alley to pick up their supplies for the upcoming year. They were nearly finished when a flash of red hair caught James' eye and Sirius hung back, unwilling to participate in the stalking of Lily Evans. He had wandered a ways from James and was staring in the window of the Quidditch Supply Store when he was grabbed suddenly by the arm and jerked into a dimly lit alley. His immediate response was to throw his elbow backwards and it came into contact with muscle and then he was released. He turned around, drawing his wand, defensive anger seeping into his muscles and came face to face with Regulus. He took in his brother's appearance, he looked as Sirius imagined, he, himself had once looked. Perfectly groomed, his robes tailored and reeking of money, but there was something different about him. A shadow to his eyes and a harder set to his features, something had changed in Regulus and Sirius knew that it was as much his fault as anything.
"Reg." Sirius tried for familiarity in his tone but it came out strange and surprisingly aloof.
"Look, Sirius. We—I don't have a lot of time." His brother spoke quickly and quietly, the muscles around his eyes tense. "I just, there's something I have to say to you."
Sirius nodded mutely and waited for him to continue.
"It's just—I'm not you. I can't be like you." The younger boy spoke as if the words were forced out of him. "I'm sorry. Father has said I'm not to talk to you anymore. They burned you off the tapestry. "
Sirius let a soft half-laugh make its way out into the air, there was a sting to his brother's words but it wasn't as deep as it could have been.
"You told me to do what I need to…and I'm going to." Regulus said a desire for forgiveness already making it's way into his tone. "I just want you to know, that you're still my brother. Even if it doesn't seem that way."
Regulus looked to Sirius for some acceptance or understanding, and Sirius tried to find it in himself to comfort his brother, but no words came. After a few silent minutes Regulus turned and walked back into the busy street of Diaigon Alley and Sirius stared after him, feeling as though he had just done something entirely unforgivable.
Sirius was still there, in the darkened alleyway smoking a cigarette when James walked by glancing in his direction and then doubling back and making his way into the alley to stand beside him.
"What are you doing back here?" James said as he kicked a piece of trash with his shoe.
"Got dragged in here." Sirius said taking another drag and smirking when James waved the smoke away irritably.
"By a bird?" James asked a hint of amusement in his tone.
"Nah. Regulus wanted to have a little chat." Sirius said and watched James from the corner of his eye.
James was a great friend, loyal as the day is long, great for a pick me up, fiercely protective of his friends, but he wasn't the most complex guy around and he didn't really understand the kind of darkness that Sirius and Remus shared between them. He didn't know how to talk to Sirius about his family. James grew up happy and that was the whole of it.
Sirius pushed himself off of the wall and slung an arm across James' shoulders moving both of them out of the alleyway.
"So what happened with Evans?" Sirius asked attempting to steer them onto more solid ground. "You don't look like she hexed you."
"Worse mate." James said darkly. "She was with Frank Longbottom."
"Like with him?" Sirius tried to arrange his face to look appropriately scandalized but instead he laughed, because Frank Longbottom was a great guy if not a little odd looking, which was surely a blow to James' ego.
*
James was glaring at Lily Evans and Frank Longbottom rather obviously. Sirius felt bad for him, he'd never really cared much for any of the birds he'd been around with but he imagined watching the one you liked with another bloke was about as rough as it gets. Their conversation had died out once the First Years had entered and allowed for Sirius to think on something. He looked at Remus who was sitting beside him watching the sorting progress.
Remus had been acting strangely since they had met him in Kings Cross. It was nothing blatant, but with Remus very little was ever obvious. It was subtle, the way the corners of his mouth managed to be down-turned even when he was laughing, or the way he had chosen to stare out the window of the train instead of read the book that had lain open on his lap. He sat closer to Sirius than he usually did, their legs pressed together on the bench and elbows brushing occasionally. Remus and Sirius were no strangers to physical closeness, none of the Marauders were really, but this was different like Remus was trying to tell him something but couldn't speak it.
Sirius was startled from his thoughts when James suddenly slammed a fist on the table and stood before stalking out. Sirius looked at Remus who raised an eyebrow at him. Remus had been quieter too. Sirius looked up to see that the sorting had finished, he gave Remus' shoulder a gentle squeeze before standing and trailing after James, sending a fair few winks to the girls as he passed.
Out in the foyer he found James pacing madly back and forth running his hand through his hair. Sirius sighed, damn Lily Evans. Lily Evans had been the bane of Sirius' existence for longer than he could remember, she was James' greatest weakness and his biggest fear and somehow that translated into a rather large pain in the ass for Sirius.
"Prongs, what's the damage?" Sirius asked remaining a few steps from where James continued pacing.
"You don't understand, you tell me I should just get off it about her but I can't." James said. "And she's in there with Frank-bloody-Longbottom. Looking like they'd rather eat each other rather than the treacle tart."
Sirius looked at James again and shook his head. "Well, mate, maybe it's time you started playing by her rules."
Sirius didn't want to say it, didn't want to talk about Lily Evans. He loved James and wanted him to be happy but what Lily Evans wanted was for James to grow up, and that more than anything was frightening for Sirius. One of the reasons that James and Sirius were as close as they were was because they balanced each other; Sirius didn't know what would happen if James changed, would they still be as close? Damn, Lily Evans.
"What do you mean?" James asked finally stopping his pacing.
"I mean, you know what Lily doesn't like about you. She tells you often enough." Sirius said darkly. "Why don't you try to not do those things and see where it gets you?"
"You mean like pranking, and giving Snape hell and running my hand through my hair and asking her out?" James asked dubiously.
"Yeah, mate." Sirius said glancing back to the doors of the Great Hall, they were held open and Sirius could still see Remus sitting there talking with Peter.
"You really think it'll work?" James asked.
"Don't know for sure. But what you're doing now clearly isn't." Sirius said noting that Remus was now sitting alone at their section of the table, Sirius didn't wonder where Peter had got to—only why he had left Remus by himself.
"But how will I get her to go out with me if I don't ask her?" James said and Sirius let out a sigh, he was tired of the conversation.
"Who knows maybe she'll ask you." Sirius responded. "Look, Moony's all alone at the table. You coming back in?"
James nodded silently and followed him back into the Great Hall. When Sirius sat down again, he felt Remus slide closer and looked over at him but his friend was looking at James.
"All Right, James?" Remus asked and James shrugged his eyes on Lily Evans once again.
Sirius wondered if maybe Remus would try and avoid talking to him later, and so he made a point to stay as close to him as possible. They sat in the common room long after everyone else had gone. Remus was sitting staring into the fire and Sirius laid his head on his lap trying to figure out how to ask Remus what was wrong without asking him what was wrong. If he asked what was wrong, Remus would say 'nothing' and the conversation would be over.
Remus began petting Sirius' head, smoothing the long unruly mess back off of his forehead. This is something that had started happening when Sirius had become an animingus. Sirius often wondered if it was because they were both canines that Remus did this sometimes without really thinking.
"Hey, Rem." Sirius said softly.
"Yeah, Padfoot." Remus responded.
"Why weren't you reading on the train?" Sirius asked for lack of a better question.
Sirius waited and Remus continued petting his hair.
"I couldn't concentrate." Remus replied. This left Sirius on precarious ground, if he asked why and Remus said, "Because you were all behaving like wild animals." then the conversation was over.
"What were you thinking about?" Sirius tried.
"My father." Remus said after a moment, his voice dark and low.
"Why are you thinking about that bastard?" Sirius bit out harshly.
"He and my mother—well…they've worked things out it seems." Remus said softly as if he was trying to break the news gently to Sirius.
And there it was, and it made so much sense. Sirius pushed back his own disbelief and anger toward a woman who he'd only met once, he reached up and laid his hand over Remus'.
"I'll stay with you over Christmas, then." Sirius said after a while. "Maybe James and Pete too. It'll be a proper Marauder Holiday."
Remus laughed then. "Merlin, but I feel sorry for the staff."
*
Hogwarts was, as always, predictably the same. For Sirius there was security in this sameness, the everyday feeling of classes and the like. But there came a shift a few weeks into October and after that everything was different, especially Sirius.
It was mid-breakfast when the owls came swooping in delivering the Daily Prophet, and a few short minutes afterwards an unearthly silence had extended over the hall. Those who didn't get the paper were peering over the shoulders of those who had. Sirius glanced at Remus' copy and everything inside him froze.
Sirius couldn't force himself to read the words because the picture held his attention and provided more than enough information. The photo captured the street of London in terrifying detail, the sun had barely set and the lighter shades of it's light were visible even in the grainy black and white of the newsprint. The buildings that lined the street were engulfed in hungry flames, dark flames, fiendfyre, and the people, so many people running, tripping, being struck down by lights that came from the darkness. Bodies fell in repetition and Sirius turned his eyes to the source of the curses and he realized it wasn't from a shadow that they came, but that the shadow was, in fact, wizards, hundreds of black-robed masked wizards.
Whispers broke out across the hall and Sirius turned his head to the staff table but Dumbledore's chair was empty, as was McGonagall's. The whispered words began piling on top of one another and building into a steady panic. Sirius got up without a word and left the hall, he wandered out into the grounds and sat beneath the tree the Marauder's had claimed as their own in second year, trying to force the image from his mind.
Three weeks later, he sat under that same tree amidst newly fallen snow and stared out over the frozen lake. Death was everywhere now, in the papers, in the shadowed eyes of friends and classmates. Everything had changed, and yet nothing had. There were still the classes, and the exams, and Quidditch and all of the things that had been there before. But it was different now, it was changed by the glaring absence of students who had been pulled due to death in the family, by the increasing violence and volatile tension between Slytherin and every other house.
Their parents' war was being fought in the hallways of Hogwarts, and where once there was only wounded pride, blood was being spilled as the tensions escalated. Sirius had tried to stay on the fringe of it, tried to just get on with the business of moving one day to the next. But, between James' ferocity in the face of what was good and brave, and his own placement outside of his family it was no surprise that he found himself drawn into more than one scuffle.
He heard the crunch of the ground under several pairs of heavy boots and he stood drawing his wand and holding it at his side. He turned and was unsurprised by the motley collection of Slytherins who had wandered out into the cold. Snape, Goyle, Malfoy and low and behold his own brother. Sirius shook his head. Malfoy opened his mouth to speak, and Sirius rolled his eyes before raising his wand.
"Let's just skip the monologue, Malfoy." Sirius said his tone acidly sarcastic.
The first curse hit his shoulder and he felt as if all of his breath had left his body, he doubled over sucking in air but raised his wand and directed at Malfoy's pretty little head. Stupefy. Stupefy. He shot the curses silently and in quick succession and both of them missed. When his wand went flying behind him he clenched his jaw and stood straighter, his chin raised slightly in defiance.
Slytherins were not stupid, and Sirius had known that when he had chosen to face them unarmed rather than run in fear. They crossed the lines of acceptable behavior frequently, but never so severely as to land them in trouble any more serious than detentions.
Sirius limped back toward the castle, the walk from the tree was much longer when he was still finding it difficult to catch his breath. He sat down on a bench halfway from where he stared and where he wanted to be and closed his eyes. It would be a lie if he said that the pain wasn't so bad. But the truth of it was, no matter how often you experienced it a tolerance for pain didn't mean it didn't hurt only that you didn't vocalize that pain.
He heard hushed chatter coming from behind the bushes to his right and instantly tensed, getting caught alone twice in one day was a bit much even for him.
"Hey Black." Came a loud whisper from the bushes. "Come on back here, we've got something that'll take the edge off for ya."
Sirius knew the voice but couldn't place it beyond knowing that it posed him no danger. He stood with some difficulty and pushed through the bushes. In the small space between the bushes and the walls of the castle stood three seventh-year Hufflepuffs. Joslin Cambridge was the one who had spoken. Sirius had bought his first bottle of Firewhiskey off of him.
"Hey." Sirius said.
"You look rough, mate." Joslin said with a sympathetic look and offered out what looked like a homemade cigarette. Sirius took it and inhaled deeply, only to violently cough on the thick smoke.
"Bloody Hell." Sirius said handing it back. "What is that?"
The others laughed, "Dried Gillyweed with a bit of calming drought mixed in." Joslin responded.
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Where'd you get it?"
"We grow it out in the abandoned greenhouse." The blonde headed boy said, "Good stuff."
The cigarette made it's way back to Sirius and he took another drag, coughing a lot less than he had before.
"I'm Erik Thomas and this is Caleb Creevey." The blonde boy said while the dark haired one offered a slight wave.
One joint, as Sirius found they were called, turned into two and three, and soon the boys were sprawled out on the cold ground laughing uproariously about absolutely nothing at all. When the sun-slid lower and they had decided that food was in fact the most important thing there could possibly be, they made their way out of the bushes and up to the castle. As they were about to head toward their respective common rooms Joslin put a hand out to stop Sirius, Sirius turned and Joslin slipped something into his pocket.
"This one's on me," He said his voice soft as a whisper and laced with an easiness that left Sirius confused. "The next will cost you."
Sirius felt a wave of awkwardness wash over him when he realized that Joslin's finger was still caught in the pocket of his jeans.
"Thanks." Was all he could manage and Joslin laughed. Sirius turned from the group but only made it a few steps when he was pulled back by Joslin's voice.
"As for the payment…" Joslin said that same unnerving easiness flowing in the words. "…Galleons are good…but some things are better."
Sirius looked at him and felt his features form into confusion.
"Come now, surely Gryffindor notorious slut can catch an innuendo." Joslin said amidst the ringing laughter of his friends.
Sirius stiffened, the drug had woven its way through Sirius' bloodstream at a rate that was beginning to alarm him. Inside his head, he could hear the witty retorts banging around but he couldn't lift the cloud of contentment enough to let loose the harsh words. He nodded slightly and then turned and made his way from them, trying to understand the context for the cloistered anger.
And then he laughed. Because the reality of it all was, he certainly was a slut and where was the point in denying it. It was completely hilarious, or so it seemed at that moment. When he reached the portrait hall the fat lady looked at him suspiciously.
"Password?" She said and Sirius laughed again, the buoyancy he had felt prior to Joslin's parting words had returned in full force.
"Pretty lady," Sirius drawled out leaning an arm against her frame. "Tell me, what is the password to your heart?"
For her part, the Fat Lady didn't give in to his charms, although she did look a bit flustered. She quickly exited it her frame when Sirius began banging on the portrait demanding entrance.
As luck would have it, it was none other than Lily Evans who opened the entrance and laid her annoyed eyes on Sirius first.
"Merlin, Black you like like—" She started but Sirius didn't allow her to finish as he wrapped his arms around her middle and promptly threw her over his shoulder and stepped into the common room.
The common room went silent but for Lily's litany of curses and threats, as they took in Sirius' appearance. His jumper was torn in a few places and stained with blood, his face was purpled and his nose slightly swollen, and he had a look to him that was even more wild and unrestrained than anyone had ever seen him.
Sirius ignored their looks and walked over to where James, Peter and Remus sat stunned in front of the fire. Sirius took a moment to look at them and then unceremoniously dropped Lily Evans in James' lap.
"Happy Birthday and Christmas, my friend." Sirius said brushing the hair out of his face. Even Lily was silent as she stood from James' lap and took a closer look at Sirius.
Sirius plopped down on the couch sprawling his body out, his head falling in Remus' lap on top of the book he was reading. He looked up at Remus and smiled at his frown thinking that maybe he could send some of this delicious comfort to his weathered friend. Sirius closed his eyes when Remus ran his fingers through his hair. He was certain it had never felt quite so much like heaven.
"Sirius, where have you been?" Remus asked.
Sirius looked at him and creased his brow suddenly feeling paranoid.
"Around." He replied. "What's it to you?"
Remus raised an eyebrow. "Just wondering if you were mobbed or mugged."
Sirius relaxed again and turned to glance at James who looked nothing but concerned.
"Sirius—what happened?" James asked.
"Just bloody Malfoy and his little minions." Sirius said. "Really I'm fine."
James shook his head and cursed. "You want to go to the hospital wing?"
"Nah. Moony here can manage. I'm really not that bad off." Sirius said looking up at the amber-eyed boy again.
"I don't know, Sirius…" Remus said with a sigh.
"Come on, you know you're my favorite." Sirius said with a wink.
Remus shook his head and pulled out his wand. Sirius closed his eyes again as he felt the familiar warmth coming across his skin as the last remnants of pain slipped away from him. When Remus' hand returned to his hair he opened his eyes again.
"You guys think I'm a slut?" He asked suddenly and when Remus' brow creased he reached up a finger to smooth it away.
"Why do you ask?" James put in.
"Looking for an honest opinion." Sirius replied.
"Course not." Peter said a little too quickly from where he lay on the floor.
"Nah, Pads, you're just having a bit of fun is all." James said but his tone wasn't so convincing. Sirius turned his eyes to Remus who only shook his head.
"I need an unbiased opinion." Sirius said thoughtfully and then pushed himself up and looked over the sofa-back, when his eyes landed on familiar red hair. "Oi! Evans!"
Lily turned and sent him a scathing look. "What do you want Black?"
Sirius pulled himself up a bit higher, resting his chin on the sofa's edge. "You think I'm a slut?"
Lily looked confused for a moment, but it was brief. "Yeah, Black. The biggest in the school."
Sirius flopped back down feeling strangely content with her response. "Well, there it is."
Remus leaned down and whispered into his ear, his breath tickling the skin. "I don't know that Lily is unbiased."
Sirius smiled. "Maybe not, but she's right."
Remus frowned and Sirius tried to mimic the seriousness of the expression but found that he couldn't and just laughed.
*
The week before the term let out for Christmas holidays, Sirius was a mad disaster. He didn't want to think about why, he didn't want to believe he was that stupid. The last two weeks were a daze to him, he skated through classes in a rush of calm aided by the thick smoke of Joslin's clever drug. When he thought about it, even now, as sick as he was, he held no regrets. Darkness had permeated the castle and broken their little educational sanctuary. Everyone was on edge and the tenseness of the reality the students and staff were sequestered away from had begun to eat away at any semblance of normality. Sirius though was unscathed by it, in fact, he floated through the torrent of depression rather helplessly unaffected. His humor hadn't died out, although Remus and Peter had both become entirely too somber, and James was quickly following suit. At times Sirius had felt he was the only one left who knew how to laugh. He hadn't spoken to Joslin since their conversation in the foyer but he had not missed, even in his casual happiness, the curious and pleased looks that came from equally glossy eyes that followed him in the Great Hall or the hallways.
Remus had tried to talk to him about it, but Remus was never one to pry, especially when it came to Sirius. Remus would wait for Sirius to come to him, but Sirius felt no desire to explain, in fact, he had felt so secure in his little happy daze that he brushed off Remus' gentle prodding. Sirius loved the feeling of it, for the first time the ever-present brokenness in him seemed to mend. He felt free, free of himself and free of the restrictions of the rest of the world.
And then, the package had dwindled down to empty and even as he smoked the last of it sitting outside on the roof outside the dormitory window, he had begun to panic. The next morning his hands had begun to shake and he felt reality crashing down on him like an oppressive weight. The happiness evaporated much quicker then it came, and Sirius was lost to the downward spiral. At first, it hadn't really made sense to him, he had thought that it would pass, and then he had gone without a rational thought in his mind, hidden under James' invisibility cloak and found a reality that he couldn't deny in the restricted section, under the title of Altered States.
Gillyweed (aka- weed, smoke, dose): Comprised of dried gillyweed often mixed with various potions or other plants (see Flagstone Vine). Burned or smoked and inhaled, can be ingested. Enhances feelings of euphoria and dulls the sense of pain. Extremely addictive, causes symptoms of with drawl after prolonged usage.
Sirius had shown up outside of the Hufflepuff Common Room two days later just shy of being beyond curfew. When a curious fifth-year had approached he asked her to send Joslin out. Sirius waited leaning against the wall for support, he could feel the sweat building on his skin, and he clutched his arms around him and tried to steady his breathing. He nearly jumped out of his skin when the portrait swung open.
Joslin faced him with the sort of exasperated look he'd seen Ava give James.
"Hell, Black. You're certainly stubborn." Joslin said with his usual easy tone, leaving Sirius grasping for the meaning of his words. "I take it you need something."
Sirius didn't speak he only looked at the older boy. Joslin was rebellious in the way that Sirius only ever played at occasionally. His light brown hair was streaked with broad reddish-brown stripes, and stuck up in carefully organized spikes. He had no peircings and wore no jewelry aside from a collection of multi-colored plastic bracelets on his left wrist. He wore the school uniform, but carried it off with a sort of haphazard disrespect that made even Sirius' ripped and faded jeans seem appropriate. Sirius watched as he stuck his fingers into his pocket and retrieved a little rolled-up brown paper sack. Sirius stared at the paper as it crinkled between his fingers and then raised his head and his grey-eyes clashed with Joslin' blue-green ones.
Sirius nodded and Joslin laughed, the sound of it ringing down the empty halls and inside Sirius' head, which had carried a dull ache for the last two days.
"You're a mess." Joslin said with a hint of humor. "You shouldn't have waited so long. Come on then."
Sirius let Joslin take his hand and lead him away from the Hufflepuff common room. Soon enough, Joslin was pushing through the heavy doors of the foyer and they walked into the brisk cold of the December evening. They sat on a bench in the middle of the courtyard as Joslin pulled a carefully rolled joint from the sack. He brought it to his lips and lit it taking a long drag before handing it to Sirius.
Sirius fumbled in his hurry to feel the paper against his lips and when he inhaled the thick smoke he closed his eyes. He took another drag and felt the familiar softness slip around him, into him. He heard Joslin laughing faintly at his side and took another drag before handing it back. It took them five minutes before they had gotten through the entire thing, and Sirius once again felt normal and at ease. He took the bag from Joslin's hand and stuffed it in his pocket. For a moment, the calm dropped out from under him when he saw the calculating look in Joslin's eyes.
"We have to talk about payment here, darling." The older boy said smoothly as he withdrew a muggle cigarette from his pocket and lit it.
Sirius' mind spun. "I don't have anything just now, I'll get my inheritance released at the end of January."
Joslin made a tsk sound between his tongue and his teeth and shook his head. "Now, Sirius, I told you before, the first one was on me. This you have to pay for."
Sirius looked at him and Joslin didn't have to repeat the words because they floated into Sirius' head unasked for. Galleons are good, but some things are better. Sirius' hand drifted to the slight bulge in his pocket caused by the paper bag and looked up at Joslin.
"What do you want?" He asked, his voice solid and giving away none of the mounting panic in his eyes.
"For now?" Joslin said a smile stretching across his face. "Just a taste. We can make things a little more firm once everyone leaves for break."
Sirius looked at him and he could feel the blankness of his own features.
"Come on now, pretty. I'm not going to force your hand." The boy spoke up when Sirius didn't respond. "Only offering you an alternative. You can always come back in January."
Sirius knew he was lost in that moment, and not just to Joslin, but lost in a deeper way. He could feel the importance of it and the muted urgency of a warning, but the drug washed it out and made it seem like so much white noise in the background. Sirius nodded.
Joslin pulled a joint from the pocket of his outer robes and lit it taking a long drag, and handing it over to Sirius.
"Have you ever been with another bloke?" Joslin's voice was like velvet now. Dark, crushed velvet.
"No." Sirius said and took two drags.
Joslin laughed, and so did Sirius without knowing particularly why.
"All the better." Joslin said after awhile and Sirius laughed. "You're so damn high."
When they finished, Joslin crushed the butt of the smoke beneath the heel of his shoe and took Sirius' hand, leading him back towards the castle. Once the warmth of the castle surrounded them, Joslin's grip on Sirius' arm tightened and he pulled him around, pinning him against the wall of a dark corner. Sirius looked up not knowing what to do, to think. Suddenly, he felt Joslin's lips on his, at once cold and hot, firm and soft. Sirius tried to sort out how it felt, but couldn't manage to string an emotion into understanding.
Sirius had never liked being done-to, controlled, or handled. There was something inside of him that raged as Joslin held his shoulders roughly against the wall and Joslin's tongue made its way into his mouth. Sirius pushed Joslin back, only to turn them around. He seized control of the moment and pushed his own tongue into Joslin's warm mouth. The other boy tasted like a mix of fresh water and the bittersweet twang of the weed. As the kiss intensified, Sirius found himself pressing against Joslin's body, and the familiar arousal rush over him. His hand strayed from the wall to the side of Joslin's face and down to the hard, muscled chest until it rested on his belt buckle. Sirius was of two minds, one of which was trying desperately to understand the myriad of emotions running rampant throughout him and the other filled with a willful desire to dance in the flames of whatever this was because he had never felt so good.
After a few moments it was Joslin who pushed him away, his hair mussed, lips glistening and cheeks flushed. His breathing was coming out in deep and wonton pants and he smiled at Sirius. "Well, damn, it would seem for once the rumor mill is right."
Sirius looked at him not registering the statement, only trying to find the peacefulness in his mind once again. Joslin sighed when he didn't speak.
"Don't fret about it too much," He said as he ran a gentle hand down Sirius' jaw line. "You're much too pretty to be completely straight."
*
Sirius was high, it was a strange word now that Joslin had whispered it in his ear. High reminded Sirius of the feeling of flying with James, of staring up at the stars, of walking along the ridge of the cement wall of the Astronomy tower like he was now. But Joslin's high meant something else entirely and Sirius let out a heavy exhale of smoke watching as it drifted up, swirling away from him.
Sirius was functional, more functional than he had been before Joslin and his seductive easiness. He could focus in class and was able to push his parents, his brother and even Alphard to the back of his mind. When he was high, he imagined it was how he would have felt, thought, been had it not been for the darkness he was born into.
He was barefoot again, and despite the cold winds that rushed up to the tower, the cold of the stone felt good against his skin. He heard the metal door swing shut and turned his eyes in its direction in time to see Remus, James and Peter to step from the shadowed entryway.
"My friends, my countrymen." Sirius said throwing his arms out dramatically. They stepped closer to him.
"We'd rather hoped you'd lend us your ears, Padfoot." Remus said and Sirius frowned at the tension in the words.
Sirius slid gracefully to sit down, his feet dangling over the edge of the wall looking expectantly at his friends.
"Consider my ears lended." Sirius said with a laugh and looked from Remus, to James who had an expression on his face akin to the one he wore during a particularly difficult test, and finally to Peter who looked as if he was merely dragged along to watch a hanging.
"Sirius, we're concerned about you." Remus said his even tone nearly quiet enough to be lost in the winds.
"No need, Moons. I'm great." Sirius said with a wide smile.
"Bloody Hell, Sirius! You're not fine!" James shouted out angrily and Sirius shook his head and smiled as regret colored his friend's features almost immediately.
"I am fine, James." Sirius responded kicking his feet out and smiling over at Remus. "Come sit by me Moony."
Remus looked at him for a moment and Sirius wondered if Remus' lips would feel the same as Joslin's had or if his inner wolf would make it rougher, firmer. Remus pulled himself up onto the edge of the wall and settled himself beside Sirius. Sirius looked at him without turning his head and placed his hand on Remus' thigh and rubbed a circle there.
"You're warm." Sirius said.
"Sirius! Honestly!" James said half-fear and half-exasperation. "We're intervening."
Sirius turned to James. "Clearly. Good job of it too."
James through up his hands. "Be serious would you!"
"I'm always—" Sirius began but Remus cut him off with hand over his mouth. Sirius frowned into the fingers.
"You're all over the place lately, laughing and bouncing off the walls and you sleep like the dead." James said. "Right Pete?"
Peter shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Right."
Sirius sighed and shook off the hand on his mouth as he continued tracing circles on Remus' thigh. "I'm sorry."
"Padfoot, you don't have to apologize, we just want to help you." James said coming a bit closer to him and Remus.
Sirius only shook his head. "I appreciate it. But really there isn't anything you could do."
Sirius stood again and began walking along the wall. "There's so much darkness now, why does it bother you that I'm not losing myself to it?"
No one answered, so Sirius continued. "Just let me be happy, please."
Silence.
"Sirius, sit down you're making me nervous." Remus said and Sirius looked back at him.
"Don't worry, Moons." Sirius said making his way back to where he had been sitting before. He reached down and took Remus' hand in his. "I'm all right."
Remus looked up at him and then over to James and Peter. Sirius pulled up on his hand and brought Remus stumbling to his feet and into Sirius. Sirius steadied his friend and looked down over the edge.
"There's nothing you can do." Sirius said in just a whisper. "We're already falling."
Remus' normally calm breathing was heightened and rushed. Sirius imagined Remus thought he didn't notice the look he sent over to James and Peter, telling them quietly to let him handle it. Sirius saw and waved to James as they made their exit.
"Are you on drugs, Sirius?" Remus whispered his arms wrapped around Sirius in a tight embrace.
"Yes." Sirius responded, with Remus there was no shame, no fear of rejection.
"Can you stop?" Remus asked and Sirius felt an unfamiliar pain swell in his chest.
"No." Sirius responded quietly.
"Do you want to?"
Sirius drew a breath and hugged Remus to him tighter.
"No." Barely a whisper, a guilty confession. He felt Remus' breath catch and his muscles stiffen.
Remus looked up and met Sirius' eyes. Sirius head was spinning with Joslin and the heady feeling of being so high and the stark contrast of the cold wind on his back and Remus' warm body smashed to his front. He leaned forward, it only took an inch, and pressed his lips to Remus'. Remus didn't move or breathe, his lips were softer, more forgiving than Joslin's had been. And Sirius pressed his tongue along them, finally gaining startled entrance into Remus' mouth, chocolate and something edgier like mint or spice. In Sirius' mind the kiss went on forever, and when Remus pulled back there was a forlorn disappointment painted across the strong features.
"Sirius, not like this." Remus rasped out turning his amber eyes to the sky. "Please."
Sirius took a step back and looked down over the edge of the castle once again. "Alphard, used to tell me, that the Beatles were his favorite because they sung the seriousness of the world in a way that made you love them for it."
Sirius looked again at Remus who seemed solid even on the precipice of Sirius' instability and the precariousness of the ledge on which he stood. His hands were in his pockets and his gaze was steady on Sirius.
Sirius closed his eyes and sung the words just barely above a whisper.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Sirius tried to make Remus understand, the way that Alphard would have understood. He wasn't much of a singer, but it didn't seem to matter, with the wind whipping around them and the strangeness of the circumstance.
Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Remus took two careful steps to him and stood staring off into the night, their shoulders touching.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
__________________________________________________________________________
AN: Please, please review. It inspires me greatly. As I said previously if there are any questions about Sirius that you're interested in seeing my answer to—slip it into a review and I'll do my best.
Remus' poem is: Inivictus by William Blake.
Song is Blackbird, The Beatles