An life just refused to let this chapter be written.
Kate was asleep by the time Castle returned to her room. He had only been gone for about twenty minutes butapparently she had been exhausted.
He couldn't deny the fear he had felt when he opened the door to find her lying with her eyes shut once more but after she let out her usual stuttered snort that she made every twenty breathes Castle could safely say that she was merely asleep.
He slid as silently as possible into his chair and once more took her hand in his own. They had about an hour before Alexis would arrive with their children and he wanted to prepare Kate first. So he would give her half an hours rest then wake her up. She let out another snort. Okay forty five minutes if it meant that he could watch her breathe gently in sleep looking like an angel who would definitely open her eyes when he asked.
Castle awoke to an impatient buzzing from his pocket. Reaching absent mindedly inside he removed his phone and slid the call button. "Castle," he yawned.
"Dad I'm outside and you didn't reply to my texts- I've got to go- come get- bad signal- " Alexis stuttered through the phone.
Castle groaned and stretched. The position he had been lying in had been anything but comfortable yet he had fallen into one of the best sleeps he had had in weeks. He groaned once more, rising slowly to his feet only to drop Kate's hand from his lap.
She sprung awake, confused and dazed, a similar look mirrored on his own face.
"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you," he apologised.
"It's fine Castle I wasn't really sleeping," Kate mumbled. Truth be told the buzzing in her head was so violent sleep had seemed impossible so she had merely shut her eyes and focused on her breathing. At least then the buzzing calmed to a distant humming.
Castle sighed and sat back down. Alexis could wait a couple of more minutes.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to be able to open my eyes and see your beautiful ones staring back at me without the squeal of "I'm going to be late for Kindergarten!"accompanying them." He confessed as he reached over to stroke her hair away from her face.
Kate sighed, and leant against his touch. "Hmmm," she mumbled, "What is it with your children turning out to be super responsible?" She joked.
Castle hadn't expected her to be able to speak so openly about their children so quickly no matter making a joke of it but, he supposed, perhaps she was simply using his coping mechanism. Either way he was more than happy to join in.
"Oh I don't know about that. James is more of a cheeky little monkey sometimes. He even tried hiding his shoes when I told him that we were going to drop Amelia off at Kindergarten."
Kate laughed gently, "Maybe just the girls then?"
Castle's phone suddenly buzzed angrily from his pocket. Groaning he removed it once more and only seemed to remember that Alexis was still outside after seeing her picture appear on the screen.
"Sorry," he apologised, "Alexis is outside she has to go somewhere so I've got to go and get the others. I wanted a chance for us to talk about this first but-"
And just like that the small bubble that was forming burst. Kate broke their eye contact and noticeably tensed under his hand.
Castle opened his mouth to utter an apology but before he could Kate forced out.
"We can't just pretend it didn't happen Castle. I'm not going to brake I promise you that. Even the me in my timeframe is in no way going to shut you out. You or our children. I'm not going to lie to you, I'm terrified and right now part of me wants to run. Like I always do." Castle looked terrified for a second before she continued, "Don't panic Castle. I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't physically run away even if I could. I don't know what you want to call it motherly instinct or something but I really want to see them Rick. I can't describe it but I just do."
Castle swallowed his apology and instead reached for her cheek, cradling it in his palm.
"I believe you Kate, I do, but I just want you to know that I'm here okay. The man you know is still by your side even if he looks a little more rugged and a little less handsome"
"Still handsome Castle." she smirked despite the tears forming.
Castle gave her a concerned look before he seemed to release that his daughter sounded to be in a rush and he really needed to go.
Nodding he made his way to the door and into the maze of corridors that he now knew like the back of his hand. Once more leaving a terrified Kate behind the door.
Kate sighed. She shook her head and dropped it into her hands.
She felt all at once like she was drowning in emotion. Grief; for the life that she'd lost. Anger; at herself and at the universe for flipping her life upside down just as she was happy again. Sorrow; deep sorrow, cutting through her chest.
Taking deep breaths she closed her eyes and tried to calm her racing heat. Castle never thought less of her, that much was true, but did she really know him? In her head she was still desperate for some sort of direction to be taken in their relationship. She loved him. She was sure of that too but they never seemed to talk about the future. She truly had no incline as to what it would look like. But her future, their future was about to walk through the door and she couldn't truly say she was prepared to see it. Because then it would be real.
Her hands formed fists as she sat up just a little straighter. This Kate Beckett that she had woken up to be couldn't just run away herself to lick her wounds, couldn't even confess her fears to her partner even if she knew how to put them into words. For if Castle's misty eyes were anything to go by he was just as terrified as she was. So she would stay strong, she would fight her fears and she would make up for all the wrongs she had committed.
The door opened before Kate had a chance to truly prepare herself for what would be on the other side.
"Mummy!" a small voice squealed.
Kate craned her neck to catch a glimpse of a small minute version of Castle dressed in a blue shirt and black pants with some sort of stain down the front.
"James!" warned her partner from the doorway where he was struggling to pick up a small baby blanket that James had obviously somehow managed to knock to the floor.
"James! Daddy said not to make too much noise," another small voice, a girls this time shouted from behind Castle who had eventually managed to pick up the blanket without dropping the car seat in which Melody slept.
"Mummy," her son whispered so quietly she could barely hear him as he used the covers to pull himself up onto the bed giving her a good view of him for the first time.
With one look at his grinning face you could certainly tell who his father was. From his eyes to his slightly tousled hair James was certainly a Castle. Up close she could practically smell the peanut butter ice cream that he had obviously had for lunch and spilled all down his front. Oh yes most definitely Richard Castle's son.
Amelia who had been helping Castle with sorting out her sister's blanket suddenly appeared by Kate's side climbing easily onto the bed as though she had done so hundreds of times before. There was a good chance she had Kate realised with a pang of guilt.
"How are you mummy?" Amelia asked swinging her legs from the bed as though this was a normal Saturday afternoon activity. Oh how little she knew.
"I'm feeling a lot better thank you Amelia," Kate replied switching her gaze between each member of her family, "how are you?"
"I'm feeling fantastic because you are awake which means that James will stop asking me when you will wake up and Melody will stop crying and so will Daddy and we can all get back to being normal and happy again. You are going to stay awake aren't you?"
Amelia's rambling tore Kate's heart apart. Every single description of how life had been before added an extra weight to her chest as she felt her self slowly sinking inwards.
"Yeah Amelia I'm coming home soon," Kate promised reaching out for the girls swinging pigtails. Her hair was the same colour as her own, in fact practically everything about her screamed Kate Beckett. Kate Castle she corrected.
A sharp thud to her chest broke Kate from her thoughts. She looked down to see a mess of chestnut hair trying to tuck itself as close to her as possible. She steadied her son into her chest and looked over to Castle. He smiled back reassuringly from where he stood by the window rocking Melody gently.
Kate slowly started to run her hand in soothing circles along James back. "You okay?" she asked concern obvious.
He nodded against her, "Missed you," he mumbled.
Kate sighed and pulled him closer, "I missed you too," I've missed everything she added in her head.
"Mummy?" asked Amelia from the bottom of the bed. Her legs continued to swing but her head was tucked down, her pigtails no longer swaying. "Can I get a hug too?"
"Of course you can," Kate held out her arm and Amelia slotted herself beside her clinging to her tightly.
Kate buried her head in her children's hair and fought to keep tears at bay. She looked over to Castle which was in hindsight probably not a good idea because seeing the tears spilling down his cheeks as he lamely tried to gather them with his free hand broke her completely.
It only took a couple of seconds before Amelia and James pulled back looking both terrified and concerned.
"Did we hurt you mummy?" James asked springing back as though any point of contact would cause her pain.
Amelia meanwhile bent forward and tried to catch Kate's tears within her small palms. "What's the matter?" she asked.
Kate smiled at her oldest daughter only now realising that she had Castle's eyes. "I'm okay sweety," she reassured her, "just happy tears that's all. Just happy that I get to be so lucky to have the four of you."
"Is Daddy happy too?" James asked looking up to his father.
"Yeah son Daddy's happy too," Castle stuttered, stopping his gentle rocking and placing the car seat gently on the plastic chair beside him before taking a seat in the one next to it and leaning forward to take Kate's hand.
James seemed to accept this as he turned to his parents with a cheeky grin on his face. Oh he was Castles son alright.
"Knock Knock," he shouted completely unaware of his sudden raise in volume.
Kate looked confused towards Castle, who turned to James and asked "Who's there?"
"No its Mummy's turn!" James demanded bouncing slightly.
"Who's there?" Kate asked the smile on her face growing.
"Bananana," James rambled all of the syllables tumbling over themselves.
"Banana who?" Kate answered as Amelia who had resumed her spot under Kate's arm rolled her eyes and mouthed along with her brother.
"Banana split!" James seemed to think that this was positively hilarious as he rolled back laughing hysterically so much so that he lost his balance and tumbled off of the bed.
Castle immediately jumped to his feet, Kate instinctively trying to do the same winced at the sudden movement.
"I'm okay!" James sprung to his feet dusting off his trousers even though the floor was perfectly clean, "I'm okay."
A sudden wail overtook the room as from the car seat Melody decided that she on the other hand was not.
Castle made his way over and took her out of the seat cradling her in his arms. The wailing continued as he gently tried to shush her to no avail.
James covered his ears and made his way back towards Kate whilst Castle began to pace the room. Kate felt a strange tensing somewhere in her gut. Mothers instinct maybe? Either way she sighed and whispered, "Castle?"
Her partner seemed to miraculously hear her over the cries and spun to face her.
"Can I try?" she asked unsure yet sitting up slightly and unwrapping her arm from where she was clinging to Amelia.
Castle nodded shock obvious in his eyes as he approached the bed and laid the baby in her mother's open arms. Kate didn't have the strength to support her with her arms alone so used her current lying position to balance the baby against her chest.
Castle picked James up from where he had been clambering to get on to the bed again and pulled him into his lap as he sat down whilst Amelia reached over to her sister and tried to help Kate in shushing her.
Castle watched in surprise as Kate slowly began to calm down their daughter by her gentle voice alone just like she had done for the first five months of the girl's life.
Melody had been a nightmare to get to sleep since Kate fell into one herself. He had tried everything for days before, after hours of research, he came across a forum where someone had suggested to spray the missing parents perfume/aftershave on a blanket or a teddy for the child. He had tried this with Melody's stuffed elephant (the third in the set that made a small family between their children) and within minutes the six month old wailing child had fallen into a silent slumber.
Kate turned her shocked gaze from the now sleeping baby to his own and couldn't help the proud look that snuck onto her face. She had nothing to hide his pride was more than obvious.
"Knock knock!" James half shouted, causing Kate to jump slightly.
"Shhhh," Amelia corrected him glaring at her brother in a way only a Beckett would be capable of.
James immediately shut his mouth but the second his sister had turned and curled back into their mother he stuck his tongue out at her.
Kate sniggered and looked up to Castle who too was smiling. He really had had his hands full.
Just as they had slipped back into silence, the door opened.
Every head turned to see Collete standing at the door a sad smile on her face."I'm sorry but visiting time is over. I did manage to persuade them that under the circumstances we should give you an extra half an hour, but now that's up I really do have to ask you to leave," Colette spoke as though she wanted to do anything else other than that.
"But I don't want to leave," Amelia whined, pushing further into Kate. Kate sighed and turned once more to Castle looking completely lost.
Their eyes met, thousands of unsaid words and emotions flying between them.
"Hey I'll still be here tomorrow okay you and James and Melody can come see me at..."
"eleven o'clock," Castle finished for her.
"See," Kate assured her, "that's not long at all."
Amelia nodded and pulled away before twisting and sliding off of the bed. She made her way to the carseat and reached inside a side pocket pulling out a stuffed elephant from within.
It had once been bright blue but was now dimmed. The corners of its ears were slightly frayed but it had clearly been well loved.
Amelia brought it over to the bed and tucked it under the covers beside her mum.
"There," she stated content with her actions, "Ellie will look after you and that way you wont be alone."
Kate looked slightly teary eyed over to Castle, took a steadying breath and whispered "Thank you," into her daughters hair as she pulled her into a final embrace.
James clearly feeling left out slid off of Castle's lap and joined in.
Castle silently took Melody from Kate's arms and put her gently back in the seat.
"Come on you two we'll see mum tomorrow," he held open the door and with the help of Colette lifted the car seat through whilst the others gave Kate a kiss goodbye and followed.
"I'll walk the kids out," Collette offered, "give you both a minute."
Castle nodded and whispered his thanks watching in silence as the children followed their favourite nurse out.
Castle turned and reentered the room immediately rushing to Kate's side.
"You're amazing," he whispered reaching forward and palming her cheek. The emotion in his voice, in his eyes, was overpowering.
"You're the amazing one," she replied covering his hand with her own. "Putting up with those three for a month," she joked, "But in all seriousness Castle if it wasn't for you I don't think I could have done that."
Castle nodded knowing immediately what she was referring to. She couldn't have sat there and pretended that everything was normal, that she knew the two children who referred to her as mum, that she had any recollection of the baby that had stopped crying only when she held her. But what he didn't understand was where he came into it.
"I didn't do anything," he replied completely confused as to how merely sitting quietly in the corner had helped her at all.
Kate smirked, "Castle you were you. You were my constant reminder that I have to fight for the happy ending that the only we can win is if we do it together."
Castle stroked her cheek gently, "You know I said something like that once." he replied grinning slightly and looking even more like his son.
Kate smiled at the sight despite the guilt that was ever present in her chest, that tightened its coil every time someone reminded her of it.
"I don't think I'm ready for you to leave yet" she confessed, "I'm not sure that I can be alone. I'm sorry I sound pathetic it's just I-"
"No," Castle interrupted her insecurities, "not pathetic human. Plus I'm not sure I'm ready to leave you just yet either."
Kate went to say something in return but found that she had no words. She instead resumed to simply observing her partner letting their ever present connection say all the words that were needed
"I have an idea," Castle pulled away only far enough to remove his phone from his pocket. "Lanie stays only five blocks away I'm sure she won't mind taking the kids for an hour or two. I'll speak to the nurses they usually let me stay late if I'm myself and its quite. "
Kate nodded in consent.
He moved out of the room and just as far down the corner until he got a signal. He was only gone for five minutes until he returned with a victorious smile on his face.
"Lanie is on her way to pick them up just now," he informed her, "I should go down and wait with them." He sounded as though leaving the room would cause him pain. Probably because it would.
Kate nodded once more smiling to try to communicate that she would be fine. It didn't quite meet her eyes.
Reluctantly Castle smiled back before the door clicked shut behind him.
Castle moved as quickly as possible towards the main entrance.
"Daddy!" James squealed as he turned the corner to find his family sitting in the cafe by the front door.
James slid off of his seat and sprinted towards him, jumping up as Castle lifted him into his arms. Amelia followed shuffling her feet, Colette brought Melody over with an encouraging smile on her face that only a nurse could be capable of.
Castle gave Amelia a concerned once over but saw nothing to explain her slumped shoulders and drooping pigtails.
"Who wants to go and see Aunt Lanie?" He asked trying to add as much excitement as his voice would let him.
James squealed in agreement but Amelia refused to stop her intense examination of her shoes.
Castle put James back on his feet, "How about you go get some chocolate from the machine huh?" He asked offering James some change from his pocket. James nodded, accepted his father's money and ran over to the small vending machine.
"I've got to go back upstairs," Colette informed them handing Castle the car seat with the still sleeping baby tucked inside. He smiled at her and mouthed yet another thanks as she turned and hurried back upstairs.
"Amelia?" Castle asked crouching down to her height as much as his knees would let him. "What's the matter?"
Amelia shook her head, shuffled her feet.
"Come on sweety," he tried again reaching out to pull her closer.
"What's wrong with Mummy?" She spluttered out still not lifting her head.
"A bad man pushed her and she banged her head remember but she's alright now," Castle reassured her feeling the pang of the lie in his chest.
"No Mummy seems funny. Not laughing funny, different funny. Is she gonna be okay?" At this Amelia looked up, her misty eyes staring up at him, terrified.
"Of course she is, she's just still a little sleepy that's all but I need you to continue to be a brave girl okay?" He pulled her into a hug as he spoke before adding, "I know how you can help."
Castle returned to Kate's room to find his wife fighting sleep. He silently moved to sit at her side and began to draw soothing circles on her forearm like he did almost every night back home.
"It's okay Kate I'm here, you can go to sleep," he whispered.
"Thank you," she replied simply as she eventually let go and let sleep take her.
An well now you have met their children what do you think? Let me know x