Author's Note: Ok, guys! Here is something you should know about me… I'm big on history! I think a character and/or their relationships live and die by their history. If it's richly built and truly tells a story then it can really give life to or kill so many avenues in a story. When writing about Jarly, I tend to get very nostalgic so you may get a little annoyed with me for inserting what I feel may be relevant pieces of canon and non-canon history. This chapter is chock full of walks down memory lane! I've really needed Jason to give them a genuine post-mortem and acknowledge his past and all of the mistakes he made instead of letting Carly always smooth things over by taking all the blame and allowing him to shirk all responsibility he should have for the things that went wrong. If they ever got another shot, I would want it to be forever. Not just something slapped together for the ratings spike (i.e. Liason, JaSam 2.0, S&B 2010-11). I would expect them to keep what makes Jarly interesting as a couple while dealing with the issues so often glossed over so things don't later just fall apart. Anyway, feel free to tell me what you think of my walk thru Jason's brain. Next chapter we're gonna make Carly deal… long distance or not! Love you all and ENJOY!
What Happens in The Dark
She was gone. Even though I was drowning in the scent of her hair and skin and I could still faintly taste her on my tongue, I knew, even as I reached for her she was gone. I always slept my best w/ her, which was stupid b/c she always ran away from me... She was forever afraid to hold too tightly because she was afraid of me... no, she was afraid of me walking away from her again. She probably made up some reason in her head why her leaving was all for my sake. That was Carly... the one who always got away. After I pushed too hard for the wrong thing of course.
I thought I had finally gotten it back last night, but I had a twenty I would bet she was on a flight over the Atlantic right now w/ our boys. HER boys. Why did she always do that? What did I do wrong this time? I thought she finally understood. I thought she really wanted me, even after all of my mistakes. She said she did, but maybe I wasn't clear enough w/ her. She always said she could read me better than anyone... and she was right. She knew my heart even when I couldn't speak it. No when I wouldn't. Now how could I ever expect her to believe me... But last night... images of her impossibly deep eyes overflowing w/ love as we made love that final time haunted me. Suddenly her words from an earlier conversation.
"It's painful for me to admit that Sam has made you happier than I ever did—not that I ever really had a chance."
My mind fast-forwards to later in our conversation.
"This is not gonna help Sam. It's gonna destroy her." We sit—me in a chair, Carly on the couch. "Does Sam like herself, Jason?"
"What?"
"Does she think she's good or loving or worthwhile? Or does she think she's trash—who always got left and always will? Does she think she deserves you? Or are you some unexplained miracle that just showed up in her life, and she always knew it was just too good to last? Because if that's the case you've proved her right. You've proved every bad thing that Sam has ever thought about herself to be true."
"No," I respond, getting up and moving away. Adamantly not wanting to believe that of Sam—or Carly.
"Yeah, you have," she asserts following me. "And see, the difference is, see, I have a secret weapon. That's why no matter how many times I fall I can always get back up. That's why I can get on a plane and chase half way around the world a guy who may not even love me." She stares me down until I look at her. "Because I have you. And I know that no matter how bad things get or how wrong I am or how badly I screw up. You're always gonna come find me. And you're always gonna catch me when I fall." She paused, letting her words sink in. "So I have you. Who does Sam have? Who is she if you don't love her, Jason?"
It finally registered what she had been saying was about more than just me and Sam. She knew what I was doing to Sam because long before Sonny ever had a chance I did the same thing to her. I was the one who made her believe she was enough by just being herself. Then pushed her away again. Memories once again took control. The memories of building her up were the first to hit me.
"So is that why you brought me here? To reward me?" she said shifting nervously with something like hope in her eyes. as I check out
"Reward you?" I cross my arms. "What are you? You're not a dog. No. Actually I brought you because I knew you'd probably follow me."
"AJ rewards me," Carly admitted sheepishly. "And you're right. I'm kinda like a pet, I guess." She turned toward the bed deep in thought. "Tony used to do it, too. It was like they had this role that they needed me to play." She sat down with this faraway look in her eyes. "As long as I played it really good, they'd pat me on the head. Nobody ever tried to see me, ever." The smile started to spread across her face slowly as she looked up at me. "Until I met this one guy... He was this stranger guy, you know? And he lived in a place that was a lot like this... And the first time I met him, and I slept with him... He didn't even ask my name. I'll tell you something. I think I knew, even then, that he would be the only person that ever knew me."
It was such a simple thing, seeing the beauty in Carly, not despite her crazy, chaotic ways, but because of them.
I walked up behind her and let my hand rest on her shoulder. When she saw me, she chuckled in relief. "You worry too much."
She ignored my comment and laughed through the tears. "How did you like my mom's show? And I do mean show. People are gonna be talkin' about that forever."
"Doesn't seem to bother Bobbie too much. Why should it bother you?" I asked genuinely curious.
"Maybe Bobbie doesn't care what people think," she said before giving me a look. "Maybe you don't either, but I do. I made a fool out of myself tonight."
I frowned in confusion. "How? By being the daughter of somebody unlucky enough to—"
"No," she cut me off. "By thinking I could ever be on the same grounds as somebody like Amanda Barrington." She gets this faraway look in her eyes before continuing wistfully, "She's this great lady, Jase. She was handing out invitations and smiling at the things that I said, and I thought it was me. I'm charming, and I'm special. And you know what she was thinking the whole time? My dear old friend Edward's grandson married trash. Trash. And I don't blame Bobbie for that. I blame myself… for forgetting who I am. Who I've always been. Who I will always be." She lets her head fall dejectedly. I gently brush a tear away.
I shake my head that she could be so oblivious to how great she was. "You tell me, has Amanda Barrington ever fought like a wild animal for her kid?" She chuckled, shaking her head no. "Hmm?"
"Probably not," she admits with the beginnings of a smile.
I ducked my head closer to hers to make sure she was listening to me. "Has she ever turned the great Dr. Evans at Ferncliffe red and made steam come out of his ears?"
"Definitely not," she outright laughed.
"Did she whack a probable rapist with a tire iron outside of Jake's in the alley?" I said full of humor.
"Did I?" she quips back. I raise an eyebrow giving her a look. She smiles and nods.
"So you tell me which one is the great lady?" I finished staring into those endless chocolate eyes.
But could I ever just build her up and let her know how much I loved her. Nope. She was always fighting for my heart, my love, my attention, my affection, my respect, something all because I was never man enough to tell it was always hers. It finally registered why we could never work in the past. Carly needed—still needs the security of knowing someone can love every party of her and not turn away. Every stupid thing she ever did was when she was scared. How had I missed my part in that insecurity for so long? Because Carly never called you out. She never allowed you your fair share of blame because of the fear she would lose what little part she had left of your heart. Another memory took over my mind.
"You hear that?" she demanded on the verge of tears.
"What happened?" I asked setting my gift aside.
She shook her head. "I came here to help Bobbie with the decorations. I made a bad joke. She thought I was fighting with her. I can't do anything right," she cried helplessly. "I didn't-I didn't mean to do anything wrong. I mean even when I try it comes out wrong. I just—" I stepped closer and she dropped her face to my chest. My arms immediately wrapped around her, and I held her until she could get herself back under control. "Thanks. What're doing here?" she asked pulling back sheepishly as she tried to regain her composure.
I turned away to grab the white paper & ribbon wrapped package. "I brought Bobbie her gift."
That brought a smile to her face as she quipped, "Well, I'm sorry I missed you shopping for it."
I shook my head and let a little smile show. "I just did what you said. I went to Wyndham's. I asked what Bobbie didn't have and ordered it."
Her smile falls immediately. "What Bobbie doesn't have is a husband—a man that she should actually be marrying."
"Is that what the fight was about?" I asked trying to hide the cause for my concern.
"I've been telling her since the day she got engaged to Jerry that he was the wrong guy." She threw up her hands and continued defensively, "I didn't say a word today. I kept my mouth shut. And she blew the roof over an innocent remark!"
"Where'd she go?"
"I don't know!" she huffed, a pout firmly in place on her face. "She ran out of here. She was so mad. I didn't come here to fight with her. I really didn't, but you know, I'm right about Jerry. Same way I'm right about Hannah. I just know."
"Look, if you feel that way, it's a good thing you warned her," I assured her earnestly.
She sighed dejectedly, "The truth of the matter is she's marrying this guy tomorrow. There's nothing I can do to stop it so I just have to let it go." I couldn't withhold my scoff. She grinned at my reaction. "What? What are you implying? That I don't know how to quit?"
"You haven't yet," I returned moving closer.
She leaned into me and whispered seductively, "But that's not a problem for you, right?"
"Not always," I acknowledge, so tempted to take that mouth that had haunted me. Suddenly, the moment ended with Bobbie's arrival.
As one memory ended, I was assaulted by another.
Tears began to fall as she asked incredulously, "You're dumping me, right? You're dumping me?"
"Come on, Car. You're married to somebody else," I sighed.
"I don't care!" she retorted.
"Well, you—you have to sneak around," I explained. "You lie to AJ. You lie to Michael."
She cut me off, "I don't lie to Michael!"
"Well, you will if—if things stay the way they are." I added derisively, "Even AJ's gonna catch on."
"I can take care of AJ," she assured me in tears.
"I can't let you do it, Carly," I said unable to keep hiding my distress. "I can't turn around and wonder if you're gonna be there. Here. At the warehouse. With no warning."
"Aren't you ever glad to see me?" she whimpered.
"Yes," I admitted. "But then I have to let you go again. Until you show up the next time, then I have to let you go all over again. And I can't—I can't do it."
"Well, we can work something out," she begged. "I can call before I come. I can send smoke signals."
"Carly!" I barked. "Don't come up with anymore plans."
"I'd do anything to be with you," she whimpered brokenly.
"Will you leave AJ?" She nodded without hesitation. "Will you drag Michael thru another custody fight?" She looked down in shame before staring at me in apology. I nodded my acknowledgment of her bittersweet decision, knowing I loved her more because of what she was willing to sacrifice for Michael.
She hesitated as I led her to the door. "Jason?" When I looked up, she continued her voice breaking. "I love you. And I know you hate it when I say that. I know it doesn't mean the same thing to you as it does to me, but I know that—I know that you love me, too. And I'll always love you." She reached up to take my face in her hands. Looking back, if I had just gone with my instinct and made love to her then, our lives might be different now. I had to push her away to end the hug for both of us. "God, I love you. Sorry."
"It's ok. You have to go home."Those words spoken in that moment had never been true again.
We walked hand in hand to the elevator before I stepped back. "Aren't you going to give me any money for a cab?" I reached into my pocket and pulled out some money and placed it in her hand before turning it over and kissing it with all of the love I had been wanting to give to her. Her control broke again she leaned into kiss me while fighting a sob. I physically held her away from me. "I'm sorry." Suddenly, the elevator arrived carrying A.J.
I felt a tear trail down my cheek as I relived the moment. Suddenly, my phone rang and I was pulled back to the present. I looked at the caller ID and frowned. What could she possibly want? I knew there was only one way to find out. "Hi, Liz."
Liz whined, "Jason. Hi. I-I came by last night, bu-but Carly—"
"I know, Liz. I told Carly I didn't want any visitors," he explained cutting her off. "She said she'd get rid of any if they came by. I'm sorry if she upset you, but I needed some time alone with my best friend."
"O-oh. Well, Jason, I—" She hesitated and sighed sadly. "I just really needed a friend and I was hoping it could be you, but I understand if you were too busy."
Why would she say it like that? Am I supposed to feel guilty? "Are you ok? What about Emily? Did something happen to her? Is that why you came by so late instead of going to her?" I asked.
"No," she snapped before her voice smoothed out. "I needed a friend and I thought we were that at least, but—"
"Yeah, we're friends," I assured. Even as the words left my mouth, Carly's words the night before began swirling through my mind. She had so many other friends, including Emily. Why me, suddenly? "What happened last night?"
"I found out that Lucky was cheating on me with Maxie," she sniffled. "He's got a problem with drugs and Maxie has been taking advantage of it."
"Wow," I breathed. "I'm sorry. I know that had to hurt."
"I just needed to know I wasn't all alone in the world last night," she whispered breathily. Suddenly, my mind went to my night shared with Carly and I tried to imagine how I would have reacted if Liz had been there instead. No differently, I realized with self-disgust. Except that with Carly it meant more, and with Liz, it would have simply been about drowning out the pain. "Did you find that friend?" I asked curiously.
She paused before answering, "Yeah, I ran into Patrick. He was really upset about a fight he had with Robin. We bonded and found we could really lean on each other."
Sounds like a euphemism for having sex to me. "I'm glad you found someone you could trust to help you through the night." Suddenly, a knock at the door drew my attention. "Look, I'm sorry, but there's someone at the door. I've gotta go."
"I understand, but Jason?" she simpered.
"Yeah?" I answered already distracted as I moved toward the door.
"Could I maybe come by later?" she asked hesitantly. "If I need someone to talk to you know."
"Maybe," I answered strangely unwilling to commit to spending time with her. "It depends. I may go for a ride—"
"I could use a ride," she interjected quickly, almost desperately.
"For work. Sorry," I lie. "Maybe another time. I'm at the door so I'll talk to you later."
I vaguely hear her response before saying a quick "Bye" and hanging up. I swing open the door hoping I was wrong about Carly leaving.
"Jason," she whispers in greeting. I wasn't.
"Hi, Sam," I responded stoically trying to hide my disappointment and disgust. I turn and walk farther into the living, needing my space.
"I'm leaving, Jason, but before I do, there's something that you need to know," Sam whispered weakly. "I slept with Ric."
It hurt, but more than any pain, I felt sense of confusion and relief. Shouldn't this hurt more? With Carly, seeing her after she slept with Sonny hurt more than the bullet wound had. "I know," I acknowledge before looking down then up into her eyes. In that moment, I felt guilt because I had done this... first to Carly and now to Sam.
"You know? What you mean you know?"
"Uh. I was at the Lakehouse then night of the blackout. I saw- you and Ric together."
"I really don't understand what you would be doing at the Lakehouse."
"I was actually coming to tell that I'd been," I scoffed, "wrong to push you away."
"You came to the Lakehouse to tell me that you had been wrong about us."
"Yeah."
"Yeah? Wait a minute, Jason, I'm trying to understand all of this. You were going to admit that you still love me and you wanted me to move back home with you."
I nodded feeling pain and guilt well then trying to shake it off. "It didn't happen so what difference does it make."
"It makes a difference to me. It makes a difference to me. All those months that I-I begged you and I-I cried. I even tried to trick you to come back to me, and finally you realize that you want me back and you come to get me and I'm- And I'm with Ric. Ok, this has gotta be a joke. Jason, do you have any idea? Do you have any idea why I slept with Ric?"
God, I can't think about this anymore. I did this to the two women I loved most. "Oh. No, no, no, Sam," I lie. "And I don't-I don't wanna know."
"No, please. Jason, please. I want you to know. You have to know. I was- I was drunk, and I was really, really angry, mostly at myself for being stupid enough to believe in love. For finally letting my guard down and believing that something, as good as what we had would last when I know, I know!" She covered her mouth before forcing herself to continue. "My life has shown me over and over again that nothing ever does. So I started drinking whiskey because whiskey is my medicine. It tastes like cheap bars and bad, really, really bad choices and I deserved to go back there for being dumb enough, for being dumb enough to think that I could have anything else-that I deserved anything else."
"Did Ric force you?" I asked coldly, silently begging for some kind of reprieve from the guilt over the shambles that was once our relationship.
"It would be a lot easier for you if I said yes. And make it so that all of this happened without my consent," she answered, her eyes begging for a reprieve and some kind of understanding. "But it didn't happen that way, Jason. I mean I was drunk, but I could have said no. And if I would have left town weeks ago, I think things would have worked out a lot differently for all of us."
The conversation died shortly after that, and she left. I didn't tell her about my time with Carly because I knew Carly wouldn't want that if she was really serious about that ASS, Jax. Also, Sam would probably try to use it against Carly and blame her for "taking advantage of me". Besides, I'd hurt Sam enough. There was no point in hurting her further when she was leaving town anyway.
As my thoughts turned to Carly, I began missing her and reached for my cell phone to call her. Another knock interrupted me making me question my sudden popularity. I opened my door to find Elizabeth standing there.
"Jason, thank God, you're here. I did something and now I don't know what to do," she cried throwing herself into my arms.
"What's wrong?" I asked in shock.
"My husband is on drugs and slept with Maxie," she wailed. "And now I-I don't know what to do."
Thankfully, my cell rang. "Just a second, Liz. Morgan."
"Hey, Jase. It's Carly! The boys and I are probably half way to Africa by now, but I just wanted to remind you that you can call me anytime if you need me! No worries about last night, I'm just glad I could be there for you in your time of need. I thoroughly enjoyed it so don't stress we're fine!" There's a moment of silence. "You should talk to Sam. I'm very well-acquainted with the urge to self-destruct so don't let it ruin your chance at happiness with her like mine did with us. Anyway, your family loves you. And the boys are demanding that next time we go to Africa, you be our guide so don't you forget that you still owe us our Africa trip. Bye, Jase." And the line dies.
She must have sent it as a decoy to back me off if I hadn't called her by now. It won't work, Carly. I spin around to face Liz who was making herself at home. "Everything ok, Jase?" When did she start calling me that?
"It's Jason, not Jase," I snap. "Sorry. I gotta go. It's important."
"Oh! Ok," she said in shock as I rushed her out. "I'll see you lat—"
I close the door, already forgetting her as I grab my leather jacket. I smile at the memory of Carly giving it to me for my birthday after giving me another for Christmas only a month earlier.
She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Duh, Jason. You need one for the winter and one for when the weather gets better." When I continued to frown in confusion, she continued, "The one I gave you for Christmas is a winter-weight leather. It's nice and thick and durable and good for most of fall, all of winter, and the beginning of spring. This one is just as durable, but it's light enough for those cool spring and summer nights when you need to ride to clear your head." I gave her a look. "And don't bother asking how I know you still go for rides occasionally or I'll ask you how you know to keep my favorite beer and frozen pizzas stocked for the next time I come over to fall apart in your arms. Now, stop arguing, try it on, and tell me how much you love it."
I smirk as I pull on the jacket. Once again, it's a perfect fit. "It's nice. Thanks."
She beamed with delight the same way she did the day I gave her her first set of diamonds. "You're welcome," she replied happily. "Tell me I don't know you and what you need better than anyone, including you sometimes." I raised an eyebrow at her. "Jase!" she demanded with a pout and a whine when I hesitated. I nodded and she grinned adjusting my new jacket, pausing longing enough to drop a kiss on my cheek. "And don't you forget it," she quipped eyes twinkling.
I threw it on, grabbed my cell and my keys, and headed for my bike. I obviously needed to get away from the distractions that would stand in the way of the conversation we needed to have. On the ride down to the garage, I called Bernie, "Hey, I have to take care of a few things and I am not to be disturbed until I call you back. Good." I hung up already having an idea of where to go for this conversation.
This ride is a short one and I pull my bike out of sight to avoid prying eyes. "Coleman!" I call out to the empty bar. When he makes his way to the front, I continue, "Shut it down and lock every door so unless they have a room upstairs NO ONE has access. You'll receive payment when I come back down."
"You got it, Morgan," he yelled at my back as I turned to take the stairs to my old room. I had bought it and given it to Carly a few years back so only we had keys. She'd had the locks changed to specialty one of a kind keys with a lock that was unpickable. It was so Carly that I had roared with laughter when she gave me mine on another Jason keychain. I remember sobering when she told me that since I gave Lila my old one she felt she should replace it.
I stared at the bed for a moment remembering every time we'd made love there without ever realizing how important we would be to each other. If sex with Carly in the beginning was still the best of my life, the night before had completely eclipsed it. A feat I had believed to be impossible. I pulled out my cell phone, found the number I was looking for and dialed. When I heard her breathing, I spoke before she could, "Why?"