Laced
Disclaimer: Don't own anything, 'all I want is you' by U2.
Rating: R for precautions, but will be later on.
Spoiler: Season 10 Finale.
Pairing: Luka/Abby, Carter/Abby friendship.
Summary: Part 2: Bite The Bullet. Luka mourns Sam's departure and Abby has dinner with John during which new truths are exposed.
Part 2: Bite The Bullet
While getting ready for her dinner with Carter, Abby was beating herself up over the idiotic conversation she'd provoked with Luka early that day on the roof.
" Fucking idiot." She chastised herself in the solitary confinement of her bedroom, or more likely her closet, since right now she didn't know what to wear. Where did all her dressy clothes go? It seemed lately all she wore was a hospital coat and occasionally yellow scrubs.
Were they even going to a dressy restaurant?
Resting her forehead against the coolness of the closet door she gave herself a breather to prevent an anxiety attack. " God Abby what are you doing?"
She knew she was stepping into a self-made trap again, one filled with confusion and lies, and of course probably great sex. Thinking about her dinner with John, she couldn't help but wonder if he was trying once again to cut into her well planned out 'post breakup with John Carter' life.
" Don't flatter yourself Abby." She murmured, just loud enough to clearly hear herself, and quiet enough so she wasn't suspected of talking to herself, though through years of her marriage with Richard she developed a habit, more than one.
Just like she promised herself never to have more than one glass of wine at dinner, she promised herself she wouldn't be manipulated anymore, except it was easier to give up alcohol than romance; though both made her crazy…
It was a little too cold for an early September evening, and Luka sat on the floor, leaning against his couch, wearing sweat pants and a robe, nursing his second beer.
He also happened to be looking at a post card with a picture of the beautiful Golden Gate Bridge, he couldn't bare to turn the post card around, knowing there was definitely some sort of message on the back.
He knew instinctively who had sent the post card, he might've been going crazy but he swore he smelled her perfume on it, her special scent, the one he woke up to many times, his nose buried in her hair, his mouth on her neck, his hands roaming…
Closing his eyes Luka tried to envision those happy moments, but as he continued to caress the body besides him, he didn't realize he'd been already fantasizing about a different woman, one he couldn't get out of his mind.
Abby.
He opened his eyes immediately and took a long sip from his beer, to sober himself up, and closed his eyes again, leaning his head on the cushion, and yet he kept seeing Abby's face.
Beautiful brown eyes, brown tendrils framing her face, and a body to match, it was all too much to swallow, and Luka wondered if he was on the rebound, it was so difficult to tell apart his emotions anymore.
He was always the one who escaped life by finding comfort in all the wrong women, no wonder he earned the reputation of the ER bed hopper. Some people found comfort in alcohol and drugs, and he found comfort in the opposite sex, it was all good unless he was going to hurt someone, especially Abby. She didn't deserve that, she had enough disappointment in male figures in her life, he wouldn't add to it.
Leaving the post card on the table, Luka stared at the phone for a minute, and then walked back into his bedroom, thinking that he needed a nap, and then a cold shower…
Carter ended up taking Abby to nice restaurant, and one that had an all too familiar name.
The Mozart Restaurant had been the stable of their relationship, they'd come here on their first date and their last, over endless bottles of Chablis and breadsticks they'd bared their souls to each other.
Abby had thought this was the most romantic setting in Chicago, having been proclaimed so by the media, but now she saw it as a distant memory, with almost a bitter undertone.
" Way to reopen old wounds Carter." She thought to herself but dare not say anything out loud, it would be beyond rude and actually kind of selfish, didn't she want them to be friends?
" No!" her heart screamed, " You're going to get hurt whichever way you get involved with Carter."
But her mind ignored her heart's desire to flee, and followed John into the restaurant. It was beautiful inside, homey but with a touch of elegance. Laced wicker seats substituted for conventional chairs, and maroon tablecloth matched well with the dimness of the place.
It was indeed the perfect setting for a first, second, or any date, and around her Abby suddenly noticed everyone paired up. Was Carter trying to hint on something? God she wished she could read minds, and though life wouldn't be half as interesting, it wouldn't be half as painful.
" Your usual table Mr. Carter?" Abby heard the hostess say with a flirtatious but subtle smile.
" Yes." John nodded thankfully, and they were escorted to the backroom of the restaurant, a table in the corner that overlooked the garden. It was beautiful: lit with garland lights interwoven into three branches and lining the fencing.
" Your waiter will be right with you." The tall blonde smiled and walked off.
Carter rolled his eyes, " Can she be anymore obvious?"
Abby let out a rueful chuckle, " You enjoyed it." She smiled.
" Yes, well it certainly is an ego boost to have female attention." Carter boasted good-naturedly.
" Oh, speaking of female attention." Abby spoke slowly, dragging out the conversation, she could already tell she'd need a lot of patience to sit through this dinner, " How is Kem doing, has she sent any letters?"
John frowned instantly, but the grimace was replaced by a small smile that, Abby was sure, would be short lived, " No letters, but I'm sure she's doing fine, I noticed that whenever someone writes letters it's because they're either homesick or they miss someone, obviously she carries neither of those emotions."
Nothing about his tone suggested he was bitter about admitting this, but Abby knew better. It was when John used simple rhetoric that shit really hit the fan. She realized once again that alike her, John had been through a great ordeal in the last six months; though it was his fault she was in such an emotional bind, he couldn't blame anyone but himself, and that was sometimes worse than finding a scapegoat.
" John, don't be like that." She said lamely, blurting it out without thinking.
" Be like what Abby? Should I not come to terms with the fact that since I broke up with you I impregnated a woman, using her for rebound and then getting helluva lot bad karma when our baby was born without a fucking heartbeat. Because of me, an innocent child died, and I refuse to wallow in self pity trying to convince myself it wasn't my fault with the help of a fucking shrink."
John let out a breath, and sighed, staring at the breadsticks perfectly organized in the middle of the square table. There were 8 of them, forming a sort of circle, in a glass goblet.
Abby also found it interesting, but not at the moment, " Hey, John, that's in no way fair okay? I never knew how you felt, are you implying that I should've fought for you? You were half way across the world."
John seemed surprised at her outburst, and Abby herself didn't fully realize what she'd said until her words reflected in Carter's expression.
" I'm not implying anything Abby, all I know is that what I wrote in the letter was true, still is true, I think we're better off friends."
Abby let out a bitter laugh, " You truly are oblivious."
John raised an eyebrow slightly, his actions taken into question wasn't something that happened everyday, " Why?"
Abby leaned in, her brown eyes conveying cooped up anger, " Getting over you was the hardest thing I ever had to. I thought I was in love, hell I even thought you were my soul mate, but what really attracted me to you was the fact that I couldn't have you. Why would you want a drop out med student-…"
" You've passed your boards Abby-…"
" John shut up and listen. I was in it for the chase, and when I realized you were finally mine there was no more excitement, you inadvertently treated me like shit, and I won't stand to be sucked back into that routine, so save the apologies and ass kissing, I don't need you in my life as a supporter, because that just wouldn't be fair to either of us."
She proceeded to take a sip of water, to cool herself down, inside she was itching to scream and yell and punch John into senselessness, or at least so he could understand how much frustration and anger was bottling up inside her since that bitter letter he'd sent her.
" I'm sorry Abby." John hung his head, drumming his fingers softly on the table, making a hollow sound that reverberated around them.
" I'm not John, and you know why?" Abby bit her lip, wondering if she was being heartless.
" Why?" John asked solemnly.
" Because then I wouldn't realize my true feelings for someone else." She said quietly, never having the courage to look up because she knew he'd guess immediately who it would be.
" Luka."
Apparently she underestimated her ex boyfriend.
Studying her fingers suddenly, she felt claustrophobic, being put on the spot, " It happened when he came back from Congo with malaria, even before I read your letter I had this feeling lurking somewhere inside, that told me perhaps I was being mislead by temptation. It's like with any other relationship in my life before Luka, I could easily say why I broke it off, but with him it wasn't that simple and it made me think and I-…"
" And you realized you still had feelings for him." John concluded and Abby nodded, wishing this conversation would play out differently. Truth was she really did want to be his friend, and it was about time she told him that.
Reaching across the table, she wrapped her hand around his wrist and said, " I want us to be friends John, I want to so badly, but you've got to give me time, three months just isn't enough time to move past certain habits in my life."
" I was a habit?" John asked, dumbfounded.
" No, cigarettes are a habit, waking up next to you in the morning was a privilege." Sort of, but John didn't need to know that, once again she was lying to him, and god, would she ever be honest with any man in her life?
No. Big Fat Surprise.
" Then let me give you some advice as a soon to be friend." John suggested, yet he wiggled out of her grasp, " Some things I've seen in Congo could destroy a man, and that is something you have to keep in mind when you tell Luka the truth-…"
" What makes you so sure I'd tell him, or that he'd even listen. I dumped him remember? And Sam and him seemed to have a nice relationship."
" Sam split."
" She'll be back."
" That's why you gotta bite the bullet now, until it's too late…"
" May-…" Abby stuttered, twisting the ring on her finger, " Maybe I don't want to tell him the truth, maybe he's better off, and what if he doesn't want to give me a second chance?"
" Abby shut up." John declared, tired of her babbling.
" Excuse me?" She raised an eyebrow.
" Shut up, get out and go see him, you can't keep living on what ifs, and knowing Luka maybe it wont be so difficult for you two to admit to the truth."
" Which is?" Abby quizzed.
" That's for you to know and for me to not." John shrugged, and stopped the passing waiter with his hand, asking to call Abby a cab.
" Guess I have no choice." She mumbled.
" You'll thank me later." John smiled, and she couldn't help but return it…
All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave