Nicky stood outside Red and Piper's cube bouncing nervously on the balls of her feet. She was otherwise frozen in place, unsure what she wanted to do. It would be so easy to go in, grab the card, leave, and forgot the whole thing. The only trouble with the plan was that she would never find out what would have happened. Was she really scared enough that she was willing to risk never knowing?
She was chewing at her thumbnail with nervous energy. It was a bad habit that she had broken for the most part, except when she was extremely nervous. She looked longingly at the book sitting on Red's desk. So easy. A few steps would be all it took. She could scoop up her true her feelings and tuck them away once more.
It wasn't that her feelings were particularly a secret, but the intensity was. At least Nicky thought they were. She was just another one of Red's daughters. Maybe they were a little bit closer than the others, but Nicky figured that was just because she hung around her a little bit more than the others.
Piper came up behind her and watched her curiously for a minute before greeting her. Nicky was normally so laid back about things. She'd always had a casual carefree nature about her. This was an unfamiliar sight. It was kind of unsettling. Piper put a hand on Nicky's shoulder.
Jumping in reaction to her touch, Nicky shot Piper a worried and then relieved look. "Geeze, you scared the shit out of me," Nicky said, holding her chest. She shook her head and laughed nervously.
"I'm ... sorry?" Piper responded. She didn't know what was going on with Nicky, but all day she had been weird. Now she was unexpectedly freaking out because Piper was approaching her own cube. "Well I would have announced myself, but uh..." she gestured towards her bed.
Nicky waved off her apology and her bad joke. "I just..." she sighed in defeat. Running a hand through her hair, shoving unresponsive locks to where she wished they would stay. "Can you keep something to yourself?" Nicky asked.
"Of course," Piper said. "Is everything okay? You're bouncing around like you're about to go beat the shit out of someone. Wait is this about drugs?" She winced when Nicky shot her a hurt look. "I'm sorry," she added feebly.
Nicky rolled her eyes. "No not drugs. Just Red," she admitted. "I made her a Mother's Day card and I just don't know if I want to give it to her."
Piper tilted her head curiously. "Why wouldn't you give it to her?"
"I don't know - it's complicated. I know it probably seems stupid. I mean it's just a card, right? I call her mom all the time. She's family," Nicky said, her rational thoughts tumbling from her lips. These were the words she had been telling herself all day. Trying to will herself into believing them, they had become a mantra of hope.
Piper nodded. "You're right Nicky. I don't know what you're worried about. Red adores you. I think she'd really appreciate it." She wanted to do more - say more, but she didn't understand what Nicky was stressing about. "Tell me what's really going on."
Rolling her eyes, Nicky began to rock back and forth on her heels. She moved her hands as though she were going to tuck her thumbs in pockets that she didn't have. It was funny how some things never left you. "It's just that. What if she doesn't? She's got a family. She's got real kids. I'm just... maybe it isn't such a good idea. It's probably stupid. She's gonna read it and thank me and that'll be the end of it."
"Well that's generally how this kind of thing works," Piper said, sounding more confused than judgmental. She noticed the way Nicky looked to the ground as she nodded in agreement. "Except, that this means more to you than that, doesn't it?"
Nicky shook her head and her lips curled into a despondent smile at getting caught. "She's the only mom I've ever had," she explained. "I don't know how I'll feel when she looks at me with the pity that goes along with that."
"Red doesn't do pity Nicky. You know that. As for putting yourself in a vulnerable position? When my grandmother passed away, I wasn't there. I hadn't been there since before I came here. I regret not being able to be there so much, even more than getting stuck in here," Piper explained. As she spoke about her grandma her voice wavered a little.
Nicky smiled sympathetically. "It's not the same though. I mean Red's not dying. You had an entire lifetime with her. Red and I only have a few years. It's not like we have this lifelong bond. Besides, there's always next year. I just don't want to make her feel pressured or ..."
"Trust me when I say, there's never enough time. It doesn't matter how much time you spend with the people you love. When the end comes, you're always going to wish for more.
"I just don't want to make her feel pressured or like she's got to treat me different. I know it's not the same thing as with her sons, but it's a lot to me.
"It's a lot to her too Nicky. I've seen my fair share of families who aren't as close as the two of you. As a fellow WASP, you of all people should know that."
"Hey, watch it there Chapman. The WASP thing is something that I've done a damn good job of hiding in here. I'd like to keep it that way."
"Your secret is safe with me. Go get the card if you want, but if you want my advice then give it to her," Piper said, as she squeezed her arm. "I'm gonna go talk to Alex for a few minutes - give you some time to decide."
Nicky nodded. "Thanks."
Piper nodded and started to walk away, but she came right back. "Listen, I wanted to go home and tell my grandmother all the things I hadn't. I wanted to listen to the same stories that she had been telling me over and over since childhood. I just wanted to spend whatever time with her I could.
I was too late Nicky. I didn't even get to talk to her on the phone. She was the only one who wrote to me regularly in here. I wasn't her only granddaughter, but that didn't matter because I was hers. Don't waste the opportunity to tell her how much you appreciate her - how much she means to you."
Looking at where the card was, Nicky's shoulders dropped and she nodded. "You're right. It's about her. Thanks Piper, really. You're not always such a failure at this advice thing after all."
"I'll try not to take that personally. See ya," Piper said, as she walked away.
Nicky chuckled. She looked back into Red's bunk and nodded in determination. She was committed to it now. She wasn't exactly any more optimistic, but she was determined to not back out of giving it to her. With a grudging resolution, Nicky made her way to her own cube and plopped down on her bed. She grabbed the book she was reading, hoping to lose herself in the words.
XOXOXO
Red was pulling out vegetables to chop up. She had been rationing out some of the food they'd been getting in to make soup for the girls. It was the middle of summer and soup seemed like a weird choice, but something hearty that tasted like real food might ease some of the tension that had been working its way into the prison lately.
It was something that Red loved about cooking. The way she could subtly use it to change the mood of the recipient or ease the tension of a room. It was trickier working with such a large group of women, but there were still ways to manipulate things with her cooking. It was like alchemy mixing substances together and creating something new. It wasn't gold, but a quiet prison without such lingering tension was good enough. This was Red's magic. The only real kind she believed in.
She came out of the fridge with an apple crate of vegetables, when Norma came in. Red pointedly ignored her friend, already feeling the silent curiosity coming off her in waves.
Looking around the room, Norma saw how clean everything was. How everything was in its exact place. Red kept the kitchen orderly, but this was much more than that. Not a single thing was out of place by even a fraction of an inch. She raised her eyes in curiosity, countering Red's eyebrow that dared her to comment. She looked back at read with an opposing look that only Red could understand.
"Don't start Norma," Red said, taking the vegetables to the sink. She began to wash them and an uneasy silence bounced of the metal counters of the kitchen that hadn't been there before. It was Norma's silent presence that seemed to intensify the feeling. Before it had just been quiet. Now it was the uneasy silence in the middle of a conversation when no one knew what to say.
Red decided that she wasn't going to be the first one to talk - or the second. Talking never did any good. She was angry and she needed to do something with that anger until she figured out what to do next.
She started to lay out the vegetables into piles on the counter in front of her, but with a hand on her shoulder Red stopped what she was doing and let Norma take over. Regardless of the tension Norma was a good friend and a good helper in the kitchen. It was something Red appreciated even through her anger.
Walking to the cabinet on the wall Red found the key on her ring and opened it. She took down two knives, locked the case behind her, and handed one to Norma. There was another look from her silent friend and Red growled quietly under her breath. "I don't want to talk about it."
Norma shook her head, displeased with Red's stubbornness and held out her hand for a knife. It was obvious that something was troubling her friend and Norma was a strong believer in letting things out in the open. Bottling things up never did any good - especially for someone with a hotheaded temper like Red. It was only a matter of time before she said or did something she would regret.
Without any more conversation, the two women stood side by side, cutting up carrots and peeling potatoes. The room was still thick with Red's emotions, but the silent awkwardness had eased. There was nothing left to be said until Red was ready.
Footsteps echoed on the linoleum as some of the other girls entered the kitchen. Gloria seemed to be trying to calm down a very upset - and very noisy - Ruiz. Despite the fact that she was supposed to be calming her, Gloria was making just as much noise trying to talk over the angry Hispanic.
"Do you two have to fucking yell? Go take your drama somewhere else," Red snapped.
They both looked at her, mouths frozen in response. Behind Red, Norma shook her head in warning, but Gloria rolled her eyes and went right back to talking. "What did he say exactly?" she asked, wanting to be certain Maria wasn't blowing it out of proportion.
"Okay so he said she's getting too big. That she's remembering shit and he doesn't want this to seem normal," Maria said. "It's bullshit."
Gloria nodded. "Well he is right about one thing, this place sure isn't normal."
"Yeah, but to not see my kid?" Maria asked, frustrated.
"Whoa," Gloria said, looking around. "Looks like your visit wasn't the only one that went shitty today. This kitchen is a hell of a lot cleaner than it was this morning." She looked over at the two women. Norma was giving her a worried look, but it was Red that she was staring down. "Did everyone get fucked over today or are you just in one of your moods?"
"Mind your own business Mendoza," Red growled as the knife clanked against the cutting board with an unnecessary force. Her gruff exterior was something they were all familiar with, but this was different. There was a fury radiating off of her that probably shouldn't be messed with.
Gloria held her hands up in defense. "I'm just saying. There's been an awful lot of cleaning in this kitchen." She leaned against the counter near Red and just watched her until it was clear that the other woman was going to continue to ignore her. "Whatcha making there?" she asked.
"Soup," Red said, as though Gloria wasn't asking something more specific. "They have that where you come from right?" Moving away from the counter and Gloria, Red went over to where she had started to heat tomato paste and crushed tomatoes in a large vat.
She stirred the heated liquid and added a handful of bay leaves to it. She stirred those in and then added a bit of pepper and several beef bouillon cubes. The meat she was planning on using was enough for the girls, but not enough to round off the flavor the way she would like. This was supposed to be hearty.
"Norma, you tell me if she starts going for the apple seeds," Gloria said with mock worry. She went back over to where Ruiz had sat down and picked their conversation back up. "Well, what are you gonna do?" she asked. Maybe prison was a rough thing to explain to a toddler, but to not see her daughter for years seemed cruel.
"I don't know," she said, voice angry and frustrated. "There's gotta be something I can do though, right? He can't just keep her from me," Ruiz asked, pleading for someone to tell her that it was going to be okay.
Gloria shrugged. "I honestly don't know. Maybe set a meeting with one of the advisers and see what your options are. Or, you could always..." Gloria trailed off. Her message was clear.
Maria shook her head. "Uh-uh, No way." Her voice had taken on a coldness that usually saved to intimidate new inmates. She pounded her fist down on the counter in frustration as she breathed out heavily.
"He's a powerful man. I know if it were one of my kids, I'd be willing to do what it takes to see them. You're a mother now. Honey, your priorities are second in life now. You do what you need to for your kids and put that pride away." Gloria looked down and shook her head. "Listen, it's just something to think about."
"That son of a bitch has never brought anything good into my life."
"Well, you know, there's always a first for everything."
"The last thing I need is him feeling like I owe him something. Man, I don't owe him shit. I sure as hell don't want him around my daughter. At least with Yadriel, I know he has his mom and she's a good person. She'll make sure that Pepa is safe and loved and not caught up in all that bullshit."
"I'm just saying, your father is one scary son of a bitch. If anyone could make sure you get your visits, it's him. I guess it just depends on what is most important to you: seeing her or keeping her out of that shit."
"You really think my father's the best solution?" Maria asked, starting to doubt herself. Just knowing that she wouldn't be seeing her daughter was already taking its toll on her psychologically.
"Hell no, but he is an option. Maybe not a good one, but there isn't a whole lot of anything you can do from in here." She gestured towards the front of the prison. "You think some answer is just gonna make it in here one day? You've got to be smarter than that."
"How very encouraging," Red interrupted. She looked Maria over for a moment, studying the younger woman and her mental state. She remembered how broken she had been when she had come back from the hospital. It was admiral how hard she was fighting for her daughter even know. "You want to see your daughter - it's that piece of scum who says he won't visit that's your target. Men are liars - remember that and you'll be able to see things a little more clearly."
"Yeah well, he wasn't lying about not bringing her back," Ruiz said. "Yadriel is a lot of things, but he's not a liar. He wouldn't have said it if he hadn't thought it over. "
Red raised a careful eyebrow. "You sure about that? Don't trust what he says, look at what he does. Men are deceivers and will only hurt you in the end. Especially if you blindly trust that your man is different - marriage, family, love none of it means a damned when they build their lies. You know him well, find his weak point and use that to get your visits."
"What the hell are you talking about fool?" Gloria snapped. "You're not even making sense. Hell, we don't have to figure out if he's lying or not - there's no secret there, he either shows up for visitations or he doesn't. You sound like some quack with a crystal ball and vague advice."
"Says the woman who plays with magic eggs," Red said with a chuckle. She added the potatoes and carrots to the soup and now stood next to a pile of onions that she was slicing straight into the vat.
Gloria crossed her arms, and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? Well at least those magic eggs made them feel like things would be okay. Your crazy prophecies aren't doing shit for her."
"And calling her father that she clearly has no interest in doing is good advice?" Red asked.
"I never said it was good... I said it was an option." Rolling her eyes, Gloria handed Ruiz the crate of unhusked corn. "Start on those, I'm gonna get the meat started before that old bat forgets that this is beef soup."
"I can hear you," Red snapped.
"Well halle-freakin-lujah, because ya know with all this butting in you've been doing I wasn't sure if your hearing was holding up." She shook her head and pulled out two large frying pans and turned the heat on the oven up as she placed them. "You don't want us prying into your shit, but you sure as fuck have plenty to say about everyone else's problems."
"It would have been cruel to let you keep talking in circles," Red replied in a patronizing tone. She stirred the soup once more making sure the newly added ingredients were mixed. Putting the knife down she moved over to where she had the soup warming.
She sampled a taste and added pepper to help with the weak taste. As she stirred it in, she started to imagine what it would be like to chop Dmitri up into little bitty pieces and put him in the stew. Out of pure bitterness she added more pepper and garlic.
Gloria looked back to Maria and shrugged. Red was in a mood and it was probably better to just ignore her. They spoke amongst themselves to the unstable cadence of Red's knife chopping angrily away at anything she could get her hands on.
Norma had finished cutting up the celery and walked over to the soup and tried a bit of it. She side-eyed Red for a moment, but made no comment. The soup definitely didn't need more pepper.
"Why don't you call his mother. You said she was a good woman, right? As a mother, she'll understand how you're feeling. Besides, women have been lying to protect their families since the beginning. She'll find a way to make things okay for your daughter."
Maria nodded and for the first time since visitation had ended her features lightened. "That's not a bad idea. I've only met her a few times, but you're right. She'd at least try to talk some sense into him."
Shooting a prideful look Red caught Gloria's eyes and nodded. "All boys are frightened of their mothers," she added. Red's eyes spoke volumes telling Gloria that she had just won some point in a game Gloria had no idea they were even playing. "Now if we could only put that kind of fear into husbands, things would be a lot smoother, but no, the older they get the more stupid they act."
Once the vegetables were cut, Norma went over to Gloria and tugged on her sleeve. She tilted her head and looked to Red. Gloria huffed out a breath of frustration and looked at Red. She was stirring her soup and adding pepper to it - again.
"What do you want me to say?" Gloria asked. "She's your friend!"
Norma just shrugged and clasped her hands together. She offered Gloria a weak smile in the hopes of swaying her just enough that she would help.
Gloria dropped her head and nodded. "Fine, but you owe me," she said, pointing at Norma. "So much for this whole Silent Storm thing you got going on. More like Silent Drizzle. Where's all that now?"
Norma's face turned into something more serious and fierce. She walked away with her chin held high and retrieved the crate of green beans and began washing them.
"Okay," Gloria said impressed. Norma was an enigma. How one mute woman could have so much to say and convey it so well was a mystery. She had to hand it to her though. She was tough. You'd have to be to hang around Red and her mood swings all the time.
Ruiz peeled off the husks from the ears of corn as she thought over her newest option. "I don't know if you'll convince him to bring her, but I know she will make sure she knows about me. Growing up with my dad I didn't know shit about my mom for most of my childhood. I don't want that for her. Hell, even a shit mom in prison is better than wondering why you mother didn't stick around or keep you."
She had finished adding the onions to the soup and stirred it all up once more. When she tasted the soup, she shook her head. It still didn't taste right. She reached for the pepper, but was stopped by Gloria's voice.
"Get the hell away from that and stop adding more pepper to it. I'm not dealing with their bitching just because you're sulking about your shitty visit. You make that shit too spicy and they're gonna be blaming me for it," Gloria shook her head.
Red stood in front of the soup, blocking Gloria's attempt to get to it. "Good, I want them to burn. Remind them that this isn't fucking camp. There's a real world out there with real things happening and it's all going to be shit when they get out there."
"You know what," Gloria said, nodding having made a decision. "Get the hell out of my kitchen. You're impossible today."
"It's my kitchen," Red hissed.
Gloria rolled her eyes and pushed Red aside. "It's not gonna be your kitchen anymore when you fuck up dinner so badly that they revolt against you and decide starving themselves is better than eating your bitterness laced meals."
Letting out a low growl, Red stared her down.
Having a taste of the soup herself, Gloria shook her head. "You don't scare me, this soup or whatever what you turned it into is called is what scares me. Now go and let me fix this."
"Don't forget the - " Red reminded.
Gloria held up a hand. "I know what I'm doing. Go find somewhere else to spread you great mood before the rest of dinner suffers."
Red grumbled under her breath as she walked out. Before leaving the kitchen, she turned back and addressed Ruiz. "I'm sure you'll figure something out. You've got to do it yourself kid. Men are fickle fucks - don't trust them to get anything done."
"Uh, thanks," Ruiz said, looking worriedly between Red and Gloria.
Red nodded and left.
XOXOXO
When Piper had shown up to play cards, Lorna had asked her if Nicky was coming. She'd seen them talking after count and thought for sure Nicky would have been with her. Piper started to explain why Nicky hadn't come before she realized that she was going to struggle to back out of this without betraying Nicky's trust.
Alex tuned out Piper's feeble attempts at stretching the truth to fit a reality that Lorna would accept. Instead, she put her cards down on the table and stood up. "There's, uh, something I need to go do that I forgot about. You guys play without me."
Walking up to Nicky's cube Alex started to laugh. "What the fuck are you doing?" she asked, shoving her glasses to the top of her head.
Nicky was sitting on her bed cross legged with her hands resting on her knees facing upward. Her back was straight and breathing slow. She cracked one eye open to see Alex standing in the doorway. "I'm meditating - what the fuck does it look like I'm doing?"
"You don't seem very centered. I take it there's no nirvana in the foreseeable future?" Alex asked, sitting down next to her.
Nicky closed her eye and pointedly ignored her for a minute, but started laughing. She threw her hands up in the air and gave up. "Eh, you know, I thought maybe if I focused hard enough - I'd get one of those good highs. Yoga Jones says they're pretty trippy."
Laughing Alex said, "I'm pretty sure she didn't mean that in relation to a drug haze."
Nicky shrugged. "Yeah, well, it seemed like a good way to pass the time. I take it Piper told you?"
Alex looked at her and raised her eyebrows in fake surprise. She pointed at Nicky as she spoke. "Actually, Piper did not tell me. She started to - in her defense, it was on accident - but she covered quite nicely. I think I'm the only one that really put it together."
Leaning back against the wall, Nicky started to pick at her nails. "Yeah, well," she shrugged, not really having anything to say about it.
"Man, get your shit together Nichols. You're freaking me out today. Piper's already a wreck I need you to … not be."
Nicky laughed. "Alright, I'll be back to normal soon. There's just something that I need to take care of first."
Nodding Alex gave her a sympathetic smile. "Well, I'm sure it will be fine. If not let me know and we'll go kick their asses." She shoved Nicky playfully and then got up to leave.
"Thanks Vause," Nicky called after her.
Alex dipped her head. "Anytime."