Hey there. Here's a little addition to this fic. Don't really know where it came from, but it seems to be something I had to get out of my system. And now it is I hope. Bit of a purge fic I guess. I can read the angsty stuff, even like some, but don't know about writing it. To be honest…I really don't like it. Any feedback is appreciated.
Everyone will probably read ooc…it's an alternate reality right?
DaniWilder explicitly told me (in fact she warned me) to put a warning here: it's not a happy ending to this one. You've been warned.
MGM owns SGA.
Number One.
Rodney breathed a light sigh into the empty lab, a slight noise that would have sounded sad to anyone who would have heard it. Not that there was anyone around at three in the morning. Not that the time mattered much these days. His staff had been extraordinarily efficient in avoiding him in the four days since he returned from P3N-738, since what Sheppard called the Multiple McKay Extravaganza. Even Sheppard and Ellis, his two closest friends, had maintained minimal contact with him.
He knew he'd been in a sour mood since that day; he just couldn't bring himself to give a damn about it. The information he'd received about Rodney McKay's life in other realities reminded him of just how wrong it had all gone for him.
He sighed again and let his mind drift back to the events of four days ago. After leaving the Infirmary- and Jennifer- he'd gone in search of Sheppard. He'd found the Colonel in his office, and after the door had closed he'd tore a strip off his former team leader for making him go off world in the first place after practically retiring from off world missions to concentrate on work in the lab. He'd left Sheppard with a direct and dire threat that he guaranteed would come to fruition if he ever mentioned him going off world again.
All he wanted was to work in his lab, away from Replicators, teammates and…her. Contact with Jennifer and the rest was impossible to entirely avoid on Atlantis, of course, though he'd done a damn fine job of it for years. But by staying in the lab as much as possible, he was able to make the rules. Off world Sheppard and the others knew more, despite his intellect and extensive training in weapons and military tactics. He simply didn't have the instinct for it.
Then of course, there was Jennifer. Going off world meant a mandatory scans and blood work immediately upon return to Atlantis, and more often than not Jennifer was on duty and responsible for administering those tests. His hand absently moved up to his right cheek. And then there was the possibility of injuries which, as the CMO and most capable surgeon in the city, she treated.
Rodney swiftly lowered his hand onto his desk as he heard someone enter the room. He looked up and watched Sheppard walk casually towards him, a bottle in one hand and two glasses in the other.
When he got to the desk, Sheppard looked down and gave Rodney a half smile. Rodney nodded once and John placed one glass in front of Rodney and the other in front of him. He cracked the seal on the bottle of Scotch and poured Rodney a generous helping before doing the same for himself and sitting down.
Despite his anger and foul mood, Rodney couldn't help but feel some comforted in the familiar event. He'd lost track of how many times he and Sheppard shared a bottle of Scotch after trying times, and God knew there'd been far too many of those. He had no idea where the Colonel kept getting the bottles, but he was glad that he did.
Sheppard picked up his glass and held it out in a salute. "To the Replicators," he said with mock admiration, "May they one day rest in pieces."
Rodney lifted his glass and tapped it against Sheppard's, then brought it to his mouth and drained his glass in three gulps. The liquid burned beautifully as it went down his throat, and he placed his glass on the table. Sheppard filled it again and gave him a scrutinizing look.
"Look, Rodney," he said hesitantly, "I'm sorry about…"
"Forget it," replied Rodney quietly, and he meant it.
Sheppard accepted that. "Want to talk about it?"
"Not really," replied Rodney, though his voice betrayed him and suggested otherwise.
Sheppard smirked and Rodney knew he was done for. He picked up the glass and cradled it in his hands as he leaned back in his chair, debating on whether or not to fill in all the details he'd left out of his report.
He sighed for the third time in ten minutes and took a sip of his drink. "The other McKays," he started, "were different."
John took a drink from his glass and shrugged. "Different realities, different lives, I guess. What about them got you so worked up?"
Rodney shifted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to figure out how to avoid answering the question.
"Keller, huh?" observed Sheppard, and he only smiled when Rodney glared at him in shock. "She's the only subject that gets you this cranky."
Rodney nodded, conceding the point. He gently twirled the glass in his hand and watched the golden liquid inside lazily slosh around the smooth surface of the glass. "One of them, he didn't talk much about himself, though he asked a lot of questions about the rest of us."
"Which one is this?" asked John, referring to the labels Rodney had given the.
"Beta," he replied.
John thought for a second and pulled the information from his memory. "The McKay who was dressed the same as you, and except for your cheek you were identical."
Rodney confirmed that with a nod. "He noticed that Delta was married, then asked us about our lives but…"
"But what?" asked Sheppard after a moment.
Rodney gulped down the rest of his drink, hoping the amber liquid would push down the clog in his throat. He took a deep breath and let it out. "I mentioned that I, well, I said I had feelings for Jennifer but she was interested in someone else." Rodney looked at Sheppard and tried to hold in the grimace when he said, "He knew it was Ronon, almost as though the same had happened to him."
Sheppard's brow rose. "But?"
Rodney shook his head, unsure if he really saw what he was about to tell Sheppard or not. "But he wasn't upset or hurt by it."
Sheppard contemplated that and gave Rodney a shrug. "Maybe he just accepted it and moved on."
Rodney emphatically shook his head. "No…there was something in the way he looked at me. It was almost sympathetic, and a little guilty. Like…"
"In his reality he and Jennifer are together," Sheppard finished for him.
Rodney nodded and slid his empty glass across the table. Sheppard finished off his own drink before refilling Rodney's glass and then doing the same to his own.
Rodney took a sip of his drink before sliding the tablet he'd been working on towards Sheppard. "I've created an inter-dimensional portal, kind of like the quantum mirror thing, but more simplistic. No matter transmission, but radio waves can get through." He leaned back in his chair again and motioned to the tablet. "I've spent the last day opening it to different realities and accessing Atlantis' computer remotely. It's relatively easy. Most of the codes are the same or only slightly varied from ours." He saw Sheppard's eyes light up and held up a warning finger. "Don't get too excited. The portal only stays open for five seconds, sometimes six, and once I try a certain dimensional frequency I can't go back there. It's a one shot thing."
Sheppard scrolled through the information displayed on the tablet and frowned.
"Not very interesting so far," Rodney said when he saw disappointment in his friend's eyes. "But I'll keep looking."
Sheppard nodded and pushed the tablet back towards Rodney. "What does this have to do with what we were talking about?"
Rodney frowned and shifted in his seat like a kid in the hot seat in the principal's office. "Useful information isn't the only thing I looked for in some of those realities."
Sheppard frowned in confusion. "Meaning?"
Rodney shrugged, and as he raised his glass to his lips he said, "Personnel records."
Sheppard snorted, though even he didn't know if it was out of amusement or anger.
Neither did Rodney, but he didn't care either way. "Out of fifty realities, we're both on Atlantis at the same time in forty-one. Out of those forty-one, Ronon is also on Atlantis for all of them." Rodney took a particularly large gulp of his drink. "They're listed as married in three."
"What about you and Keller?" asked John, and he instantly regretted it when Rodney blanched.
"Eighteen," he replied, his voice hollow. "You'd almost think that would make me feel a little bit better, but it doesn't. It makes it worse." He looked at John and sighed. "There are at least eighteen Rodney McKays out there married to her, and I…"
John didn't need to be a psychic to see where the sentence was heading. "You wish you were one of them."
Rodney nodded but said, "But I'm not. And I won't be." He stood up, polished off the rest of his drink and carefully placed the glass on the table. He looked at Sheppard and gave his friend a sincere smile. "Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, and the drink."
Sheppard stood as well and extended his hand towards Rodney. Rodney shook his hand and slapped his shoulder before turning and walking towards the door.
Sheppard was about to call out to him but Rodney stopped and turned around before he had the chance.
"I've got the computer set up to automatically dial random realties and retrieve tactical information," Rodney said with a smirk that widened when he saw Sheppard's sheepish nod. "Good night, John."
He heard Sheppard say the same to him as he walked through the door and into the corridor. He thought about heading to the makeshift cafeteria for something to eat, but decided an extra few minutes sleep would be better for him. He turned and headed towards the residential area. The transporters had been disabled during the last Replicator attack so he had to take the long way round, which for some reason didn't bother him tonight.
He was just about to go through the door to the residential deck when he heard a small whimper coming from underneath the next flight of stairs. He waited for second and then heard it again. He moved quietly onto the next downward flight of stairs and peered down onto the landing for the next level. There, sitting with his back to the wall was Johnny Dex. The five year old son of Jennifer and Ronon was in a pair of blue pajamas, his light hair mussed about as if he'd been asleep at some point during the night and his face wet from tears.
Rodney watched the boy for a moment, then made his way down the stairs. The boy looked up as he got closer, but otherwise remained still.
"Hey there," Rodney said quietly as he knelt down in front of the boy. "What are you doing out here by yourself?"
The boy shrugged but didn't say anything.
Inwardly Rodney sighed and cursed at having a conscience that wouldn't let him leave the boy alone. "Come on," he said as he stood up and held his hands out to the little boy. "We should get you home. I bet your parents are worried sick about you."
Little Dex looked at Rodney and then took his hands and stood up.
Rodney could see he was tired, so he picked the boy up and hugged him to him. To his surprise and discomfort, the boy hugged him back. He made sure the boy was secure in his arms and headed up the stairs. He'd just made it into the corridor when he felt the first tiny snore emanate from the child. He approached Ronon and Jennifer's door, his stomach churning like the water at the bottom of Niagara Falls.
He was about to pass his hand over the chime sensor when he heard her voice coming from behind him.
"Oh thank God," said Jennifer as she jogged towards them. "We've been looking everywhere for him." She stopped and immediately began running her hands over her son, searching for injuries and making sure he was okay.
Rodney swallowed the bile in his throat and softly said, "He's fine."
"Where'd you find him?" asked Ronon as he came up from the opposite direction that Jennifer had.
For an instant Rodney faltered and was tempted to tell Ronon off- again- but when Johnny squirmed in his arms Rodney sighed. "Out on the stairs heading to the South Pier." He turned and with as little jostling as he could manage he handed the sleeping toddler to his father.
Ronon hugged his son to him and then looked at Rodney. The big Satedan gave Rodney an appreciative nod and then opened the door to their quarters and headed inside.
Rodney didn't wait and started walking towards his own quarters a couple of corridors over. He'd gotten eight feet when Jennifer called out his name. He stopped, closed his eyes and sighed, then opened his eyes and half turned towards her. He heard more than saw her approach, and a second later she was stepping around so that she could face him.
Before he could stop her she threw her arms around his neck and drew him into a tight hug.
"Thank you," she whispered into his ear.
Rodney fought desperately against the urge to slip his arms around her waist, but in the end his body ached to feel her in his arms again. His arms lifted against his will and went around her for the first time in six years. Rodney closed his eyes and reveled in the experience; the way her body molded perfectly against his, just as he remembered; the feel of her long hair tickling his face and neck, just as it always did when they'd hugged; and her natural scent that was as beautiful as anything science or nature could create. It wasn't until the fingertips of her right hand moved up into his hair that the illusion came apart and he came crashing back into reality. He put his hands on her hips and pushed her away even as he stepped away from her.
He could see that she was as shocked about what she'd done as he was, and he decided to spare them both any further grief by turning and walking away without another word or look.
He moved with sure and confident steps until he turned the corner into the next corridor, then he allowed himself the luxury of placing his hand against the wall to give his legs some support in holding him upright. It took him a minute to steady himself, and when he looked up he realized he'd turned left instead of turning right. He cursed himself for being so affected by something as simple as a hug from a married woman and headed back to the intersection. He glanced back towards Jennifer and Ronon's quarters out of reflex, and ducked back into the corridor when he saw her still standing there.
He stood there, hidden and immobilized by something he couldn't identify as Jennifer lifted her hands to her face and… wiped away tears?
Rodney slid back farther when he heard the door open, staying close enough to the corner to barely be able to see. He watched as Ronon walked up to Jennifer and placed his hand on her shoulder. What happened next excited him, distressed him and confused him all at once: Jennifer moved away as though Ronon's touch had scalded her and breezed past him into heir quarters, leaving Ronon alone in the hall.
Rodney froze as Ronon turned his head and looked directly at him. For an instant everything between the two men played out in that look: friendship, camaraderie, brotherhood; the love of the same woman, competition, victory and defeat: and of course, hatred.
Rodney knew enough to not back down, he hadn't backed down from much since the Replicators made running impossible, so he stepped out into the corridor and faced Ronon directly. After a moment, Ronon turned away and went into his quarters.
Rodney took a deep breath and started to head for his quarters, but stopped and made a decision.
Ten minutes later he was sitting at the main communications station in the control room.
'Are you sure about this, Rodney?'
Rodney looked at the screen and nodded to the commander of the Sun Tzu. "Positive, Sam. I need to get out of this city."
Rodney regarded Sam as she tried to discern just what was happening. She'd mentioned multiple times how she'd love to have him running her engine room on the Sun Tzu, but he'd always declined. His place had always been here, on Atlantis, because she needed him.
Not so much any more. Kavanaugh and Zelenka did most of the important work these days anyway and Grodin knew almost as much about the gate as he did. Besides, Atlantis herself was in a sorry state due to repeated Replicator attacks. The most work in the fight these days was being done out there, among the stars by Earth's fourteen ships.
'Rodney if this has to do with Jen…'
"If you don't want me, Sam," interrupted Rodney as he crossed his arms across his chest, "just say so."
Sam nodded, though sympathy and a fair amount of understanding graced her face. 'Have you cleared it with Ellis?'
"He'll understand," replied Rodney, having no doubt that the General and commander of Atlantis would acquiesce to his request for transfer.
Sam spoke to someone off to her right and then turned back to him. 'We'll be there in six hours. That enough time?'
Rodney gave Sam a sad smile and said, "Ten minutes would be enough time."
'Understood,' she replied with a sad smile of her own. 'See you soon. Sun Tzu out.'
Rodney closed the channel and stood up, then steeled himself for a chat with his CO.
Five hours later Rodney sat in his quarters waiting for the Sun Tzu to arrive. Ellis had indeed been understanding of his need to leave the city, and he couldn't argue Sam needing the help aboard the Sun Tzu. The General had even agreed not to tell anyone until after he was gone.
Abe had always been a good friend.
"I can't believe you're running away like this, McKay!" Sheppard nearly shouted from his chair by the cleared off desk.
"Believe it," replied Rodney as he sat down on the- not his anymore- bed. "It's best for everyone concerned."
"Especially you," Sheppard added bitterly.
Rodney ignored the tone of his friend's voice and responded to the words. "Yes, for me."
Sheppard looked at Rodney and sighed. "I can't really blame you, I guess. I'm almost surprised you managed to hold out for six years. I probably wouldn't have." John fidgeted in his chair for a second. "Are you sure you don't want to say good-by to …"
"I'm sure," replied Rodney as he tossed his tablet onto the pile of boxes on the floor.
John nodded and glanced down to his watch. "What time does the Sun Tzu arrive?"
Rodney glanced at his own watch. "Should be here in an hour or so."
'Control Room to Dr. McKay.'
Rodney tapped his earpiece. "Go ahead."
'The Sun Tzu is approaching planet fall, Doctor,' replied Sgt. Harriman. 'ETA ten minutes.'
"Understood," Rodney acknowledged as he stood up, grateful to Sam for cutting some time off her ETA. "And thanks, Walter…for everything."
'My pleasure, Dr, McKay. And good luck.'
Rodney looked at John. "Ten minutes."
John nodded and then stood up as well. "Well, you know, it's not good-bye right?" he said as he looked around the bare room. "You'll be around and visiting, supply runs and whatever."
"Sure," said Rodney before holding out his hand.
John sighed and shook his friend's hand. "I wish…"
"I do too," said Rodney sincerely. "Listen I haven't said good-bye to Teyla or Zelenka. I've left them messages but I'd appreciate it if you'd tell them…"
The door chime sounded as the two men separated and Rodney frowned as John gave him a curious look.
As John was on his way out anyway, he moved to the door and passed his hand over the locking mechanism, and then got the shock of his life when he found Jennifer Dex standing in the doorway, her hands clasped together in front of her, eyes moist and as extreme a look of lostness about her that he'd ever seen on anyone. He glanced at Rodney and saw his friend go rigid with God knew what. Fear. Anger. Love.
John let Jennifer in and then left, giving Rodney a small wave as he did to wish his friend good luck.
Rodney couldn't return Sheppard's wave. He was too transfixed on Jennifer and the way she looked about his room, as though she were truly coming to believe something that she'd thought was impossible.
"The CMO of the Sun Tzu called a few minutes ago," she explained, her voice soft and cracking and her eyes settled on the small pile of boxes on the floor, "to request the transfer of your medical files." Her eyes slowly moved up to find his, the movement causing pooled up tears to escape her eyes and fall out onto her cheeks. "You're leaving?"
Rodney swallowed the lump in his throat and managed a nod. This was exactly what he'd hoped to avoid.
"Atlantis needs you, Rodney!" she all but yelled. "You can't leave!"
"I have to," he replied calmly. "It's best for ever…
'Sun Tzu to McKay.'
Rodney held Jennifer's gaze and activated his comm. "Go ahead, Sam."
'We're within transport range,' Sam replied. 'Whenever you're ready.'
Rodney paused when Jennifer took a hesitant step towards him but then said, "Standby."
Rodney tried to tear his eyes from Jennifer's but he couldn't. How many nights had he woken up in a cold sweat after dreaming about those eyes, those lips and that woman? Too many.
"I can't stay anymore, Jennifer," he said softly and calling her by her first name in nearly six years. The way she gasped and the way her eyes widened told him she noticed. "I can't." His insides were shaking and his throat was drier than the driest desert. "I love you, Jennifer," he whispered across the room, and if her eyes had been wide the first time he'd used her name, then they were saucer sized now. "I still do and it hurts to see you with Ronon. I thought it would get easier over time, but it hasn't. It's gotten worse and I can't take it anymore." Rodney turned around and started to reach down for his duffle bag.
"I lov…"
He stopped and whirled around to face her, his eyes hard and his nostrils flaring in anger as he thrust an accusing finger towards her. "Don't!" he admonished angrily, causing Jennifer to jump in her place. "Don't you dare say it." Rodney lowered his hand and tried to calm himself down a little. "Just don't. You have a family, Jennifer. Make that work."
He turned around and picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder as he took a deep breath. His hand was almost at his comm. when her voice, soft and delicate reached his ears.
"You're doing this for me aren't you?"
His hand froze and he closed his eyes.
"After all the pain I've caused you," she said softly, the words coming out of her mouth slowly as though she were still thinking it through, "you're leaving to make it easier for me. Aren't you?"
Rodney opened his eyes and turned to see tears streaming down Jennifer's face like tiny little rivers that had broken through the dams that had once held back enormous reservoirs of water. "You need to go home, Jennifer, and make it work for Johnny's sake, for Ronon's sake, for your sake and for mine." At her confused look he sighed. "Don't let the pain I've suffered be in vain. Don't make me have gone through losing you for nothing. It will make it bearable only if you're happy."
He nearly bolted to her when her knees buckled and she staggered towards the chair Sheppard had been sitting in. She landed in it without hurting herself it seemed so he kept his station and hoped his words had made an impact.
As her teary eyes found his again he reached up and activated his comm. "McKay to Sun Tzu. Ready for transport."
In the two point eight seconds it took for the transport to begin he heard her say, "I'll always love you."
The next instant he was aboard the Sun Tzu, surrounded by the things from his quarters. And Sam.
She smiled initially but it turned to a worried frown in short order. She rushed to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay, Rodney?"
It wasn't until he looked into her eyes that he noticed the wetness in his own. "No," he said with a shudder. Sam enveloped him in a warm and supportive embrace. "No I'm not."
End.