Dear Diary

Entry one. She has time and dates on there he barely understands.

Asin 10019 decaphebe

"I awaken to my father being dead for 10,000 decaphebe and I want to die. What am I going to do? I am stuck with a team of inexperienced earthlings. They are nothing like the paladins of old. I think I was better off dead like my father!

Shiro, seems to be the smartest and most capable, but he is hardly trained for this. Pidge, seems to be very smart and brave, but small. How will he fair in battle? Hunk is a wonderful person from what I can tell, but can he fight a war? That Lance, so cocky and sure of himself. The nerve of him flirting with me as if I am a common girl!

And that Keith, well… I don't have much to say about him except he is very mysterious with a slight temper. Sort of like my father I guess. None of them however, I am sure can do this. They all look to me and I do not have the answers. I will forever hate Zarkon and the Galra. I will not rest until he is dead."

"Mysterious huh?" Keith chuckled to himself. "Here I thought she was the most beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on." He mused to himself.

He flips through more pages. "Wow, she wrote about this?"

I caught Keith trying to sneak away. For some reason he had it in his mind that Zarkon was tracking him? Not sure why he thought that. So happens he wasn't tracking either of us. But that was not before we were jettisoned into space and he… Well he comforted me. I feel so safe around him…He's quite handsome. I did notice beforehand, but it's just now it's more apparent. If he were to show himself a better leader, I think he would be quite capable.

"Wow, I'm quite handsome. Here I was worried if she noticed me at all." His eyes began to sting. He wiped the tears that were from god away with his hand. However, more tears were on the way. Keith isn't one for feelings. Keith has mixed emotions about what he was reading, but yet he couldn't put it down. He had to know once and for all what she was thinking all that time.

"Keith left! No matter how hard I tried, he left! How could he?! He was supposed to be that black paladin! The lion chose him! How could he just leave us? How could he leave… Me? I thought he cared. I thought he cared about the team! I thought at least, he cared about me?"

"I did Allura, I do. I left because I thought I would be of better use elsewhere. I wanted to fix this Lotor problem. I wanted to fix it so you could sleep at night…" Keith put the journal down on his bed. A knot formed in his throat.

Kosmo sensing how upset Keith is, put his head down on his lap. His heart was heavier than ever.

Yet he pressed on.

He flipped through to see another entry.

We haven't heard from Keith in a while. I asked Shiro to reach out to him and he never seemed concerned. It was weird in my opinion. His behavior is… off. I miss Keith. I am not sure how the team feels, I never asked. But… I think I am in love with him. There. I finally admitted it to myself. I am not sure if that will make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse. I should have stopped him from leaving. I should have told him how I felt, even if it meant rejection.

But then, what kind of leader would I be? I would be seen as…

Someone who is not in control of her feelings. That person isn't me.

Another entry. Keith read. Nexcela…

I cannot believe that Keith was about to sacrifice himself! He cannot leave us. He just can't! Why doesn't he value his life. Doesn't he know we love him?

"No, I didn't know Princess." Keith took a deep breath. It's getting to be a lot emotionally.

An entry about Lotor…

He is well versed on Altean alchemy. Being close to him is like being close to my family again. My past. Maybe Shiro was right to trust him after all. Maybe I was too cautious. Lotor is intelligent, charming and quite the leader.

"Not to mention manipulative…" Keith grumbled. "It's my fault for not being there. I would have figured out that Shiro was a clone and that Lotor was using them."

And then, an entry about Lance.

Lance doesn't seem so bad. He was here for me after Lotor hurt me, maybe I should give him a chance. At least he didn't insult my father…

As much as I care for Lance, he just… He isn't Keith. I wish we had a few moments alone to talk. I just can't seem to get him alone. Lance sticks to me like glue and Keith seems to avoid me like the plague… Maybe he hates me now. That is it. I should just try to get over him.

I often dream that I walk this earth ground with Keith. Everything is perfect. There is no war, our parents are both here and we are married. Father would have loved him… I dreamt this a million times only to wake up at the Garrison. My own people hate me, Keith hates me and the only person who asks how I am doing is Lance. I feel smothered by him. He doesn't mean it. I just… I love him… I just know he loves me more than I can love him right now. My heart is elsewhere. My heart is with Keith, but I must accept that he doesn't feel the same way…

And then a poem, about him. About Keith...

"Do you think about me?

Am I a passing thought?

Or apart of our reality?"

It was too much. The revelation sent his mind reeling. She loved him? I mean he had visions of Allura visiting him, but he thought it was his own mind. Even when Lance showed up saying she visited him, he thought it was his grief. But maybe it's real? To find out she loved him? And as early as before he left?

He searched his mind for clues he missed. Keith knows he isn't the best at social cues but surely he would've known, wouldn't he?

"I can't read anymore." Keith put the book down and placed his head in his hands. Hot tears burned through his fingers. He cannot remember the last time he allowed himself to feel grief over her death. But this time, the pain he avoided all this time, it inevitable. A searing pain in his chest and soul that ravaged his heart. Why couldn't he admit to her how he felt? Surely it would have saved her. Wouldn't it?

Those questions, ran circles in his mind as he cried. His body crumbled up like a ball. Kosmo nuzzled up against his master like a warm comforter. Heaving from the stress, Keith fell fast asleep from the exhaustion of it all.

The smell of bacon awakens Keith's senses. His eyes crack open to see that Kosmo is no longer by his side. He is trying to wrap his mind around who would be in his home cooking.

Groggily he calls out, "Mom?"

And then it dawns on him, his mother doesn't know how to make bacon and eggs. Throwing on his robe and instinctively grabbing his blade, he shuffles downstairs, only to see a familiar face.

Hunk.

Keith didn't know who was in his kitchen, but he was relieved it was only Hunk. He should've known. Pidge is the only other paladin that cooked and she wouldn't be in his home cooking in the morning.

"Hey team leader!" Hunk chimed cheerfully. Kosmo was on the floor munching on a bone Hunk brought him.

"Don't call me that." Keith expression was stoic, unfeeling. Hunk ignored his cold demeanor however.

"What are you doing here?" Keith asked slightly irritated. "It's too early."

"Keith, its 11am." Hunk said. "You forgot you gave me a key?"

"Yes to maintain the house. Not to be frying bacon."

Hunk ignored Keith grumpy comment. He knows deep down Keith is glad he's there.

"I made Bloody Mary's." He set a glass full in front of Keith. Keith stared at it before stirring the celery.

"Does it have vodka?"

"Uh Yeah." Hunk responded as he flipped an omelette. "Looks like you need a drink too." Keith was in pajama striped pants and a white tee shirt. However, his eyes normally bright, looked sunken, with dark circles. His skin, dry and sallow.

Keith rolled his eyes at the comment. He slowly sipped on his drink.

Keith hadn't looked well in a while and everyone noticed. He looked thin and appeared to have lost muscle tone. Everyone tipped toed around Keith's pain. Hunk was done doing that. He wanted to take more of an active approach to Keith's depression. They already lost Allura and it feels like Keith died with her. It's time to intervene before he dies of a broken heart.

"So what pleasure do I owe this visit?" Keith asked. The drink slow letting his guard down.

"Well," Hunk started off while placing a cheese omelette, bacon and hash browns in front of Keith. "We were hoping –"

"I'm not going there tonight." Keith waved his hand dismissively. "I remember her everyday without help."

Hunk not to be moved continued. "Keith, we all miss her and I know I can't force you buddy." He placed his on plate down and began to dig in.

"I just thought it would help if we all talked about it together-"

"Talk about what Hunk?" Keith said combatively. "Her?"

"There is nothing to talk about." "She died and we watched her die."

"Yes that's true." Hunk said. "But you know Allura would not want you to live like this Keith."

"Live like what? Without her?!"

Keith swiped his drink, causing it to crash on the floor. Glass and Bloody Mary splashed everywhere. Kosmo rushes to his side. "THAT IS THE PROBLEM! EVERYONE EXPECTS ME TO LIVE WITHOUT HER! BUT I CAN'T!"

Hunk's eyes widened at the revelation, but he dared not say anything. He decided to listen instead. Keith paced hysterically, arms swinging. He was completely out of character. He fans his hands through his raven hair. Hair that can use a haircut, as it was falling on his shoulders.

"DID YOU KNOW? DID YOU KNOW SHE LOVED ME? AND ALL THE WHILE I FAILED TO SAVE HER? IT WAS MY FAULT! MINE ALONE. I FAILED YOU ALL."

As upsetting as this is, Hunk felt honored. Keith never showed his emotions to anyone, except maybe Shiro. He isn't Shiro, and is not sure if Shiro saw this. Hunk realizes that Keith must trust him.

"You fail didn't Keith."

"I DID! I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED OUT ANOTHER WAY FOR HER TO LIVE! DAMNIT! HOW DID I LET HER, WALK OFF WITH HAGGAR? HAGGAR?!" His eyes are wild and red.

He threw his salt shaker across the room. It exploded on the wall.

"I-I LOVED HER. I LOVED ALLURA! I LOVED HER SO MUCH!" He yelled so loud, but his voice left him.

"We all did Keith." Hunk said quietly.

Keith leaned against the wall and slid down. His body crumpled into a ball.

"No. I was IN LOVE with her and I failed. I failed her…" Keith's voice is raw and strained. He would cry but he is done. He placed his head in his folded arms now across his knees. Keith expended all the energy he could at the moment. His throat dry and he's out of tears. He just rocked his slim body back and forth. His heart pounded in his ears. The pain was like a hot iron stabbing him in his stomach.

He was in love with her? The revelation struck Hunk like lightning. Why didn't he notice? Of course! It all makes sense now. Now he feels like a horrible friend. He encouraged Lance to ask her out. All the while Keith loved her.

Thinking back, He noticed that Keith was depressed around them but he didn't want to pry. A sinking feeling washed over Hunk. Suddenly, he feels like he failed Keith. The team failed him. Not the reverse.

Hunk got up and sat next to Keith on the floor.

"I don't need your sympathy Hunk. I don't deserve it." Keith mumbled, defeated.

"You were my friend when I needed you Man. Why won't you let me be your friend Keith?"

That comment stung Keith. He knows Hunk means well, but he doesn't understand. He doesn't feel like he deserves anybody's friendship. He wasn't a good leader. He didn't save Allura. All those people died. All those blades died. It's his fault.

He should've died too. Not her.

"You didn't fail us buddy- we didn't do enough to include you. We didn't listen to you. We didn't always make you feel apart of the team." Hunk hung his head. "We failed you, Keith."

"I'm sorry." Hunk said squeezing Keith's shoulder.

Keith padded Hunk's arm to acknowledge his apology. Feeling tears threatening his eyes again, Keith stood up.

"I need to be alone."

Hunk nodded.

"You know your way out."

With that, Keith darted upstairs leaving unfinished food and a mess in the kitchen.

Hunk looked at Kosmo. "Go and make sure he doesn't kill himself." Kosmo as if he understood Hunk, disappeared to join Keith.

Hunk looked around the kitchen to see the leftover food.

"Well I see no reason why this food should go to waste."