PART III: INTERROGATORY
"Remus?" A hesitant voice roused him from unconsciousness to the awareness of the fatigue accompanying transformation. "Are you awake, Professor Lupin?"
He allowed himself a moment to raise an eyebrow internally at being called 'Professor' when he was recovering from being a hairy man-eating monster and currently only wore a sheet for clothing. Reluctantly he opened his eyes only to shut them immediately, the light shocking his dilated pupils. "Miss Granger, I believe we can dispense with the title, as I happen to know for a fact you know my name. And, Hermione, pull the shade down for an old man, won't you?"
He took particular delight in the frustration that reference to his age must have caused her. His hurtful glee was short-lived. "If it's that much of a problem, you decrepit antique, then you may close it yourself. I've had quite enough to do, repairing your room from your little temper tantrum." Her voice had dramatically changed from concernedly inquiring to scornfully snappish. Perhaps she liked him better when he wasn't awake; it was certainly a much simpler encounter for him.
His own voice became pointed, as he opened his eyes to express his disdain. "I certainly apologize if my emotional breakdown and subsequent metamorphosis into a werewolf upset your weekend tea-party plans. Perhaps you can reschedule them for when I go on another mission?"
She stopped her bustling around his room to strike him with a glance, immobilizing as a poniard. In a disgustingly sweet voice she inquired, "What? You'd miss my tea-party? What could you be doing that could possibly keep you? Ineptly killing yourself, maybe?"
The growl percolating from his throat surprisingly didn't elicit any reaction beyond an eye-batting. "Look, love, I don't see where that becomes your business!"
"I know you weren't asleep when I told you I loved you, but I'll say it again: I am in love with you, Remus! I will have no one else, and my happiness is inextricably tied to yours. So, sweetheart, I will not hesitate to reschedule future social events for your transformations, but if you insist upon offing yourself, I'm afraid we won't be getting on very well. And since you are currently in your dotage, I have no doubt that I shall win that particular battle."
Grabbing the underclothes she held out for him embarrassedly, he haltingly clothed himself. With her back turned she was just as infuriating. "And how, exactly, do you propose to make me so deliriously happy? Everyone else who has went and 'offed' themselves, so who am I to argue with the likes of Dumbledore and Potter? Or perhaps you plan to just curse happiness into me? A twenty-four hour cheering charm would hardly do the trick."
"A strong dose of muggle drugs, more like," she muttered under her breath. "First of all, everyone you love is not dead. Secondly, I will do my damnedest to show you that there is still something in this world worth living for!" She paused. "Bloody hell, Remus. And I thought I'd fallen for the reasonable Marauder." She took a deep breath, calming herself. He could see the bright red color leaving her cheeks as her posture became that of confidence, voice still shaky. "Please don't say anything else. I love you to the exclusion of everything else, and it's agony seeing you so far from yourself. I wish I could hold up a mirror for you, show you as you really are, not this monster-self you've created."
He spied the glimmer of tears in her eyes and immediately felt shame. No matter how she interfered, he shouldn't take out his anger at himself on her. "Miss Granger, I'm sorry. I apologize for being inexcusably uncouth and unappreciative of the concern you've rightfully expressed." He, now dressed fully, drew her down so she sat on the bed with him. He should have known better, that nobody could endure it! He could barely stand it! And he wasn't acting like himself. His behavior had been a request for chastisement.
She shook her head at him fondly, "That's Remus, aright, but you shouldn't be apologizing. You're miserable, I understand that. You need to take out your rage on somebody, and I'm glad it's me, since I know you so well." Her expression took on a plaintive quality, "Why can't you live, though? There's so much out there, Remus! I hardly count myself as the greatest of these, but I do love you. I'll live with you and adore you and bear your children, if you desire them. I'll make hot chocolate at midnight and stand in line for the newest defense book at Flourish and Blot's. I'd be so blessed to be the one you direct the love you hold towards I'd cherish the wolf, a part of you that conflicts with your being but has made you into the strong man you are today. You're a strong man, with the mistaken impression that the world wouldn't be noticeably dimmer without you." He stared at her in disbelief, once again dumbed by her artless confession. By this point she was looking anywhere but in his eyes, so he craned his neck so her vision, fastened upon his collar buttons, was filled with him.
"Remus..." They had been staring at each other for several moments, entranced by each others' eyes. He wasn't even aware of her leaning in until her eyes closed. All he registered was the humid warmth of her breath and a brief brush upon his lips before he jerked away from her, one hand on her shoulder, the other awkwardly forcing her back by the hair atop her head.
"NO! You say you know me well, but you could very well be mistaken for my daughter." Remus turned his back on her, once again attacking his stringy sandy-grey hair and allowing anger to empower his voice. "You still have your precious best friends, while mine were all killed for the sake of yours! You dispute my right to end my life, saying yours is worth remaining for! That may well be true, but I have closed that door! If I live again, love again, trials beyond your understanding await me. It's not worth the risk! I'm not worth the risk! You don't know what you ask of me! My life is cursed! You speak as if it is some trifle that I can easily perform, but you do not acknowledge the torture you request of me!"
Only just recovered from the almost-kiss, she frowned and faced him, standing to gain greater height. "Remus John Lupin! How dare you! I tell you I love you, your friends entrust their legacy and child to you,... Dumbledore DIES for you!" The werewolf flinched in remembered sorrow. "You seem to think that your current difficulties are the result of your unworthiness, or some such hogwash, when in fact it is your own attitude and purposeful isolation that is to blame! Why do you fight?"
Eyes boring into him provoked an answer, "W-why? I fight because it's the only thing to do."
Some approval shone in her eyes as she questioned, "Other than submit to Voldemort's beliefs, you mean?" He nodded carelessly, eager for the line of questioning to cease. "There, that is one noble quality you possess. You fight for the light because it is the light, because to live for it is to abhor the darkness. And yet you are unworthy and considering death? How are you better than the Death Eaters if you also seek to control the natural course of life and death? Now, for whom do you risk your life?"
Remus laughed hollowly, this was a question he'd been asking himself with increasing frequency, "I fight for the repressive bigots in the Ministry. I fight for a system so corrupt it hires dementors. I fight for a race no better than muggles except we have more personal and painful methods of murder. I fight for a world that contains more latent hatred in its most innocent member than in the most painful of curses. I fight for the right of human beings to harm their weaker members. I fight for those who fear ME, who look upon me as inferior and lacking in control, as if I am the threat they must fear above all others." The bitterness in his voice during this tirade was regrettable, but how could he not be bitter?
"And do you agree? I can tell by your tone that you do not. Your lycanthropy has ever been something inflicted upon you by the narrow-mindedness of society, and the cruelty of a madman. Still you have come to believe that what they say is true, no matter how much 'penance' you perform, merit you present, or how many innocents you preserve. You are the best of men, Remus Lupin;" the werewolf rose to avoid the compliment he did not deserve, "the great irony is that you cannot see it. Perhaps that is the insistence of your modesty or the force of habit, but as far as you are concerned, your perspective is entirely skewed." Hermione's hair, long ago in the argument having come out of her loose ponytail, emphasized each vehement shake of her head, even as her brown eyes, already showing evidence of her bibliophilic habit, radiated energy and passion throughout her oration.
"Allow me to ask this," she continued," why don't you say you fight for Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of recent history, murdered righteously affirming that the future lay upon his sacrifice for the younger generation? Why don't you fight for Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, the man who, like yourself, grew up far too fast from the interference of selfish beings lacking the love you both share indiscriminately with the world? Why don't you fight for the Weasleys? Molly and Arthur have lost children to this pointless conflict! It's said there is nothing more painful than your child passing before you can. Your friends died loving you, believing in the sacrifice they made! Percy didn't even have the chance to atone for his harsh words, to soften the blow before he was dishonorably slaughtered. Ron refused to leave Harry's side while he recovered from the final battle! Fight for him!
Why not fight for Tonks? Her decision was not meant to be a sign for your own fate! She, like you, loved unwisely, and expressed herself by causing Kingsley a lifetime of guilt for letting her leave on that mission! Without this war, she might have been a mother, with morphing little monsters of children, causing more trouble with their appearances than Fred and George! Fight for those children, Remus! And since you consider me to be such a child, fight for me, Harry Potter's know-it-all friend who was so involved in books that she fell for her tutor!"
The mood in the room calmed with Hermione's last statement, strangely enough, and Remus was able to look at her with tortured eyes at last. Ignoring his expression of hopelessness, she took both his hands in hers, took a thoughtful breath, and spoke as if to reach his soul.
"Lily proved it all those years ago: it is love that will heal us, Professor! Why does it matter if it is romantic, platonic, or charitable? Find it, Remus! I don't care if it is with me. Somewhere along the way you allowed the generous, passionate, considerate, perceptive man I love to be stifled. I will not permit you to leave this life without him. My own love for you, while not entirely unselfish, knows that sometimes one cannot survive. All I demand of you is that when you kill yourself, you're bloody well not being the selfish bugger I've heard this past half-hour!" Squeezing his hands before releasing them, Hermione gave him a tender smile. She purposefully strode to the door, calling over her shoulder, after an audible deep breath, "Dinner is in an hour. If you are not there, I will inflict hexes upon you the thought of which would have struck terror in Sirius Black.
"Understood, professor?"
ShyMoonlight: I hope this one was up to your expectations! No more tears, I hope:(
fadedglory: Here it is! And merci beaucoup!
Nutz Nina: Thanks so much! I cried a little writing it, so it's gratifying that you felt it too.
wildace keladry2005: fully intend to keep it up, appreciate the encouragement! And RHr is wonderful! Check out siriusly lupine's Man of the Night, and EvilCatHater's Gone Simply Insane- they're my current faves!
shadowgirl75: Don't you just want to sweep in and make it all better? I'm wrestling now with having Hermione do that without making it trite.
siriusly lupine: Again, thanks. :)
dotdotdot: hope you're happy with part 2 and so on! Your review made me smile!
R J Lupin's Kat: You wrote an absolutely beautiful review. My gratitude.
michelle: Here's the "more" you so flatteringly requested!
Malfoy's Love Twins: No, there is nothing "pervish" about this. Yes, the "raw animal-like quality" comprises a goodly amount of Remus' appeal, but what makes him my favorite is the innate goodness and morality of him that prevents him from just "picking" what he wants. He doesn't even know how to accept what he wants because he's so unused to the experience. There's no need to be scared. My aunt married her professor a few years after graduation and they remained in love and entirely NOT pervish. They were both extremely intelligent scientists; besides, in order for Remus to be a pedophiliac, she would have to be under the age of consent. This is postwar, and she's asking him to add his consent to hers.
Sorry about this dissertation, but Remus isn't the type to put anyone else or their reputation in jeopardy. I can't even see canon Remus being like Remus in my story, since he would never consent to such a thing. Damn infuriating man, forcing us to create fictional happiness for him!
IMPORTANT AUTHOR NOTE!
Anyhow, I'm having health problems, so I don't know exactly when the final chapter will be up. I might be sent away to a program where they don't allow a computer, and if so, you have my most abject apologies. I hate it when that happens with stories. I want to finish this; what's wrong with Remus feels a lot like what's wrong with me, and if I can't heal myself, I want to help him. I figured it would be better to post this as an AN than as another chapter... I'd hate to tease you like that.
Merry Christmas/HAPPY HOLIDAYS! to all, and, if I am deprived of my beloved Macintosh, Have a Happy 2006!