"Eva, you're deviating from the sheet music again," scolded Cecilia.
Eva snapped out of her reverie. "Oh...sorry."
"Come on, get your head in the game. I worked hard writing this arrangement; the least you could do is follow it," said Cecilia, annoyed.
Eva stared listlessly at the handwritten sheet music in front of her. It was covered in scribbles and notes from Cecilia and Gertrude. The Pink Panther theme.
Cecilia raked her fingers through her hair. "Look. I'm sorry for getting testy with you. Things have just been rough on me lately."
"Join the club," said Eva, slumping on Cecilia's living room couch.
It was the last day before their duet performance. Cecilia and Eva had been grinding out practice after practice any free hour they could get. They had a decent arrangement, and they had nearly perfected their duet. But the whole thing felt like a chore. More and more often, Eva found herself drifting back to that first unproductive, but deliriously fun practice session with Neil, and her insides would shrivel in bitter regret and confusion all over again.
Neil hadn't spoken to either Eva or Cecilia since that day in the park two weeks ago. He'd spend the entirety of music class on the opposite side of the classroom with his new partner, Gertrude. Eva had tried talking to him, but without avail. Half the time, Cecilia would gently restrain Eva, shaking her head.
"Give him some space," Cecilia would say.
But why me? thought Eva. I understand why he's avoiding his ex-girlfriend, but why is he shunning me as well?
Eva really thought she stood a chance at a friendship with that nerdy prick...
Eva blew a few notes absentmindedly into her saxophone. That's when she noticed Cecilia's head bowed. Eva thought she heard a sniffle.
"...Cecilia?"
Cecilia straightened up and took a deep breath. "I'm fine."
"Umm, you okay? Do you wanna take a break?"
"I just said I'm fine."
"But you're crying."
Cecilia rolled her eyes. "It's just family stuff, okay? Don't worry about me. I've already spilled my guts to seven or eight close friends about this; I don't think I can bring myself to talk about it again."
Eva stared at her fingers, still poised on the saxophone. "You can talk to me about anything. You know that, right? I wish there was something I could do."
"There's nothing you can do. As I've said, my friends have already talked to me. I don't want to discuss this any further."
Cecilia began rehearsing the song for the umpteenth time on her flute. Eva merely sat there, as a solemn realization closed in upon her like a shadow.
"...Cecilia."
Cecilia paused her playing and looked at Eva.
"Do you..." Eva swallowed, and tried to keep her voice steady. "Do you need me?"
"What?"
"Do you ever need me for anything? Do you ever rely on me for companionship? Reassurance? Affection? ...Anything?"
They locked eyes. Cecilia's face morphed from surprise to incredulity.
"Are you shitting me right now? Really, Eva?"
"I...I just need to know if you need me, because I don't think you do, and it's killing me — "
Cecilia gripped her messy curls in frustration. "Oh my actual God. I'm sitting here trying to hold myself together long enough to get our shit done, and you have the gall to not only insist on pushing the subject, but also make it about you?"
"Hey, I have things weighing on my mind, too, you know!"
"Oh sweetie, that's precious! What problems — in your excruciatingly perfect, privileged life — are you foisting onto me, now of all times? Huh? Do you have a stepdad in the hospital? Do you have relatives who don't remember your name, but remember to pester you about inheritance money? Do you have to throw college out the window because you're now the breadwinner of the household?"
Cecilia leaned forward, her eyes glistening. "Or are you just sad that some nerd, who used to fray your last nerve, doesn't want to play with you anymore?"
Eva stood up. She stowed away her saxophone and sheet music in her case, and exited the house.
The 87 bus, which Eva had taken from her house to Cecilia's, had just pulled into the bus stop on the corner. Eva strode right past it, and walked the three miles back to her house.
Eva was never a night owl. She'd normally go to bed by midnight at the latest, even during the weekends.
On this particular night, however...
Eva lay curled up on her bed, staring into the glaring light of her cell phone — the only source of light in her bedroom.
It was 3 a.m. after all. Her parents were asleep down the hall, but Eva didn't want them to know she was still awake.
She sorely wished someone — anyone — else were awake, however. She scrolled down her contacts list. Most of these people were classmates, tennis teammates, or old friends from middle school who have since fell out of touch. She didn't feel right calling any of them.
She paused on an entry in her contacts: Neil Watts.
Now you're just being ridiculous, thought Eva. If he didn't want to speak to her during the day, what made her think he'd appreciate getting called up in the middle of the night? No way would she sink to that level of desperation.
They weren't friends.
I just feel like he'd appreciate a relationship built on a more solid foundation than pity.
That's what Eva had said. The memory stuck her like a pin needle. What right did Eva have asking for sympathy from Neil after making statement like that? If only she didn't pine for it so much...
She kept scrolling through her list of acquaintances. This is what happens when I'm too picky about my friends, Eva thought ruefully.
She wasn't exactly friendless, however. She had a few casual buddies at school, as well as her older sister, Traci. But those casual buddies never reached out to Eva in times of crises; she didn't want to depend on them more than they could reciprocate. And Traci was away at college. Not to mention, it was 3 a.m., and Eva didn't have the heart to wake anyone up just so she could vent, despite needing it more than anything.
So she merely sat there, staring at her phone screen in utter paralysis.
No matter what Cecilia had said, few things in the world sucked more than feeling alone, un-needed, and unable to reach out to anyone. At least Cecilia had several friends rally around her. Why wasn't Eva one of those friends that Cecilia relied on?
Am I anyone's best friend anymore? thought Eva.
Eva buried her face in her pillow in mortification. Cecilia was right. Cecilia had her own major issues to deal with, and Eva just had to bring up her own trivial problems and childish neediness.
But then again, were her problems really that trivial if they kept her awake and alone at this ungodly hour? What was she supposed to do about them?
It was nearly 4 a.m. when Eva finally drifted off to sleep.
The music room buzzed with the usual discord as partners crammed in some last-minute practice. Eva arrived five minutes late with puffy eyes, but luckily, the rest of the class were too busy panicking about their performances to pay her much attention. Mrs. Feinberg was setting up a couple of stools at the front of the class.
Eva scanned the classroom. Cecilia was nowhere to be seen. Neil was in the opposite corner of the room, practicing with Gertrude. He caught her eye briefly, but Eva looked away. She quietly dug out her sheet music, and began practicing her accompaniment.
Mrs. Feinberg rapped on her desk. "All right, everyone. Today's the day. Any volunteers for our first performance?"
A couple confident hands shot up. Their performance was pretty good. The second group was okay. The third group was lousy. The fourth group was stellar.
"Neil and Gertrude. Would you like to go up next?" Mrs. Feinberg yelled over the rousing applause for the last group.
Eva watched in awe as Neil and Gertrude pulled off an impressive rendition of What a Wonderful World. Eva remembered how much Neil hated that song, yet here he was — playing with full focus and commitment. Gertrude must've possessed some ungodly persuasive powers to get Neil to play a song on Mrs. Feinberg's song list.
Eva applauded sincerely once their song ended. She looked around the class. Where was Cecilia?
Two by two, her classmates performed their duets until she was the last one left. Cecilia still hadn't shown up.
"Eva, would you happen to know where your partner is?" said Mrs. Feinberg.
Eva cleared her throat, since she hadn't spoken all morning. "No, Mrs. Feinberg."
"Well, I guess there's nothing to be done about it. Just come up and play your part of the duet."
Eva picked up her saxophone and made her lonely way to the front of the class, ignoring the murmurs and speculations buzzing amongst her classmates. She was all too aware of how puffy her eyes were. Eva had rarely felt so foolish in a class she was normally confident in.
She set the Pink Panther Theme sheet music on the stand before her. No matter how many times she pored over this sheet music, Cecilia's and Gertrude's notes, which crowded the page, always distracted her.
She began playing her accompaniment with as much dignity as she could. It sounded absurd without the melody. At least the melody could be played independently from the accompaniment and still yield a decent performance. Eva, however, had only practiced the accompaniment — the half of the duet that, without its all-important melody, formed an incomplete song.
Yet, this was the only part of the song she knew well. The melody Eva depended on wasn't there.
Everyone else in the class got to play their duets. Was she really going to be the only solo just because Cecilia didn't show up?
She wanted to play a duet so badly it hurt, as though her heart were about to crack open.
Eva faltered mid-song, and trailed off into silence. The class just watched her curiously.
"It's all right. Just start again, and do your best," encouraged Mrs. Feinberg.
Eva looked up and caught Neil's eye. At that moment, something crackled between the two of them that - even years later - Eva could never describe. Whatever it was, it sparked an impulse so strong, she stood up off the stool, gripped her saxophone, and began a new accompaniment.
Moon River.
Out poured every ounce of yearning and hope she still had — into the saxophone and out into the room. She gazed at Neil with her eyes ablaze — not with desperation, but with confidence.
Neil's mouth fell open in astonishment. Then little by little, Eva saw Neil break into the first genuine grin she had ever seen on his face.
He picked up his Old Rusty saxophone, and joined in with his melody.
Their song soared, swooped, and seethed with that dysfunctional harmony and virtuosity that only the two of them were capable of. It was messy, over-the-top, and clearly breaking the rules.
But oh, nothing in the world could have felt more right.
At the end of the class, one of Cecilia's friends — another one whom Eva hardly knew — passed around a giant sympathy card for everyone to sign. He informed everyone that Cecilia's stepfather had passed away, and he wanted to collect donations for her family.
Eva unfolded the huge card — it was the size of an open newspaper — and gazed down at the plethora of heartfelt messages and support. Cecilia was really quite lucky to have so many people rally around her. Multicolored paragraphs of prayers and love filled every square inch of the card; Eva didn't know where she could squeeze hers in.
There was a small, irregularly shaped blank space on the back of the card. Eva had to cram her message up against the bar code:
"You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm just one phone call away.
- Eva."
If Eva had known that Cecilia would drop out of high school the following week, or that decades would go by before she even saw Cecilia again, when their lives had diverged in drastically different directions, she would have written something a little more substantial. But life offers no such warnings.
All Eva knew was that, for better or worse, she will remain on the periphery of Cecilia's life. Just a sentence or two drowned out amidst a crowd of paragraphs. But still, that little three-inch bit of space on Cecilia's card will always belong to Eva.
And that mattered.
Eva folded up the card and handed it to the person sitting next to her. She gathered up her things and left the classroom.
She didn't go in the direction of her next class, however. Instead, she walked to a cluster of fir trees that separated the main campus from the park, and sat down beneath them for the duration of second period.
"You're still here?" came an approaching voice.
Eva was still there, sitting beneath the trees, by the time the bell signaling break had rung. She didn't bother looking over her shoulder.
Neil walked into her line of vision, blocking her view of the park. He set down his saxophone case and backpack, and leaned against one of the massive tree trunks.
Eva still didn't look at him.
Neil walked over until he was a few feet directly in front of Eva, and knelt down, forcing their eye contact.
"Hi," said Neil, with a crooked grin. "Wow, your face looks terrible."
"...Hi, Neil," Eva mumbled.
"I don't know about you, but if I really wanted to be alone, I would've just ditched campus completely. Since you didn't, you must be one of those girls who are all like 'Oh, I'm gonna go over here for some alone time, but I hope someone comes after me to show me they still care!' Y'know, those girls who post melodramatic status updates, just so they get a ton of replies from people who took the bait?"
"Are you mocking me?"
"Hey, did I say that was a bad thing? People gotta do what they gotta do. I'm willing to bet your coping mechanisms are healthier than mine."
"If you can call staring at your phone's contact list until four in the morning healthy..."
Neil didn't say anything. His smirk faded.
"You know, I never realized how much I depended on Cecilia until I realized how little she depended on me," admitted Eva. "Or if she did, she hid it really well. Not only did she not need me to comfort her, she got angry with me for trying. But really, I was the one who wanted to feel loved. I wanted to be the kind of friend that I really needed. And God, do I need it..."
Her voice broke. She buried her face in her arms as the shame overtook her anew.
"I was such an idiot. She was going through all these terrible things, and what did I do? I asked her to reassure me. To tell me that she needed me. What the hell was I thinking unloading my trivial insecurities onto her at a time like that?"
The words constricted in Eva's chest, preventing her from speaking further.
Neil frowned. "Huh...Why is Cecilia's life the almighty yardstick you use to measure the validity of your own problems? I mean, sure, blah blah perspective, but come on. How much does a person's life have to suck before they deserve compassion? Why would you treat people's sympathy like some scarce, finite commodity — something you have to earn, like currency?"
Eva stared at her knees, hardly daring to believe him.
"Also..." said Neil. "Why are you unloading your insecurities onto me?"
Eva looked up at him. He didn't sound annoyed. He was asking her to think.
"...Because you're here listening to me," said Eva.
"And why am I here listening to you?"
"Because..."
Eva stared at Neil. She saw her own reflection gazing back at her in his glasses. For a moment, she thought she could see his eyes behind them.
"Because we're friends," she murmured.
"And why are we friends?" said Neil, with a smile.
"Because...I played our Moon River duet?"
Neil laughed. He stood up and pulled Eva to her feet.
"That reminds me," he said, pulling out a folded sheet of paper from his back pocket. He handed it to Eva.
"Wait, was I right?" asked Eva. She looked down at the folded paper.
"Neil 'Flippant Fingers' Watts" was scrawled across it in a swoopy, ostentatious signature.
"You're...giving me your autograph?"
"You better keep that. That's gonna be worth a million bucks one day!" said Neil, pushing up his glasses with swagger.
"I'm still not calling you Flippant Fingers."
"Well, there'll be a spot on the bandwagon for you whenever you feel like hopping in," said Neil with a carefree wave. He picked up his things, and began to walk back towards campus.
Eva unfolded the piece of paper. Her mouth fell open, and she gave a laugh.
"Neil! When did you do this?" called Eva.
"During second period Economics!" Neil called over his shoulder. "It was either that or fall asleep!"
Eva looked down at the paper. It was sheet music crammed with overly complex notation written in Neil's messy handwriting.
And written on the top:
"Moon River - the world's craziest duet as performed by Eva Rosalene and Neil 'Flippant Fingers' Watts"
Eva shook her head as a grin crept on her face. She hurriedly gathered up her things and followed her duet partner back to campus.
~Fin