"Elliot, I need to talk to you for a minute," Cragen said, calling to the detective from his office. Elliot groaned and walked over to his office, noticing the box that sat in the empty chair in front of his desk. He knew what it was for without the captain even having to tell him. "Your new partner arrives tomorrow morning. I need you to clean out the desk." He didn't call it Olivia's desk. It wasn't hers anymore, but in a way, it would always be hers.
Elliot nodded, grabbing the box and walking out of the office. "Yo man, I can do that for you," Fin said, noticing Elliot and the box.
"I got it," Elliot said. He had been dreading this since her death. It would force him to actually face the fact that she was gone. He pulled out the top drawer and without looking, dumped everything in the box. He did the same with the rest of the drawers, pretending not to notice the few pictures, scraps of paper, pens, lotion that was quickly filling the empty box. He didn't want to face anything that would remind him of her at work. He knew he would lose it and for some reason, he felt like he needed to be stronger than the others.
He shut the lid on the box and slid it next to his desk. Munch and Fin noticed his determination quietly. They both knew the box would be going home with him that night.
He sat on his couch, the box in front of him on the table, a half finished beer in his hand. A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts and as he stood up to answer it, he threw another glance at the box. He opened the door and saw Maureen on the other side. "Hey Dad," she said, kissing him on the cheek. "How's it going?"
"Good," he said, glad to see her, "What're you doing here?"
"Just wanted to stop by, see how you were doing," she said, heading to the fridge for a coke.
"Mom asked you to stop by, didn't she," he said, sitting back down on the couch.
"She's worried about you," she replied, sitting at the opposite end, "We all are." The smile slowly slid off her face as she saw the box sitting on the table. "What's in the box?"
"I cleaned out the desk today," he said, "I brought it home to go through it."
"Maybe it'll do you some good," she said, her eyes looking up at her father's.
"Maybe," he said. Something in his voice couldn't quite convince her the same. "You were talking to her other day, weren't you, before I stopped by." Her voice was so soft that he could barely hear what she said.
"Yeah," he said, "Huang thinks that maybe it'll help." He got up and threw the bottle in the trash, reaching in the fridge for a bottle of water. He wanted another beer, but didn't want to get drunk in front of his oldest daughter.
"I'm glad you're seeing Huang. She'd be happy for you," Maureen said. Elliot shrugged, dropping back down on the couch. "Dad, it's natural for you to miss her. We all knew how much you loved her."
"I hope you never know what it feels like to lose someone you love," he said, looking over at her. He saw sadness in her blue eyes, knowing that she already had.
"You can't stop that from happening," she said.
"No, but I can try," he said. "How's school going?" She noticed his attempt to change the subject and let it happen. He would talk to her about Olivia when he was ready to.
"Good," she said, "I was on my way to the library when I thought I'd stop by. I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with us Saturday. Mom's…got a date and it's just us kids."
"That'd be great," he said, cheering up, "I can swing by and get everyone." He knew Kathy was dating other men, so it didn't bother him to hear that.
"Okay," she said, "See you Saturday around six?"
"Yeah," he said.
"Alright," she said, standing up, "I've gotta get to the library. Paper due tomorrow."
"Good luck," he said, hugging her, "Thanks, for stopping by. Tell everyone I love them."
"I will," she said. "See you on Saturday." She kissed him gently on the cheek and left, leaving him alone with only his memories to keep him company.
With a sigh, he turned back to the box and sat down, pulling the lid off the box. He knew she had been meaning to clean out her desk, but the cases had kept on coming and she had never gotten around to it. He reached down and pulled out a picture, seeing that it was of them at a Christmas party last year. Her hair had grown out and her eyes were bright in the picture. They had gone home together that night. Their relationship had changed that night. Everything had changed that night.
He set it aside carefully and reached in, pulling out a sweater she kept on the back of her chair sometimes when it got cold. Her scent still clung to it.
"You gave me that sweater." He looked up and saw her sitting in the chair, her knee pulled to her chest. She wore the same clothes she had worn the last time she visited. Always the same clothes.
"I know," he said, leaning against the cushions. "Your birthday, two years ago."
"You know I hate pink," she said.
"You know I like the color on you," he replied.
"I'm sorry you had to do that," she said, motioning to the box.
"Captain thought it might be a good idea," he said. She nodded, her eyes drifting down to the box. "I get a new partner tomorrow."
"Maybe that'll help you move on," she said.
"They won't be like you," he said. She just nodded and he knew that in life, she would have had some smart crackto sayback at him, but this wasn't in life for her.
"I'm sorry I left you," she said softly.
"You weren't the one that could make that choice and I'm sorry that I'm still angry at you for leaving," he said. He sighed, rubbing his hand through his hair."I still have nightmares, you know."
"I know," she said. "You been seeing Huang?"
"He thinks me talking to you is a good thing," he said with a half laugh. "Makes me think I'm going crazy. He thinks it gives me a chance to say goodbye"
"Wouldn't be the first time he's thought you were going crazy," she said. Silence fell between them as he rubbed his thumb along the sweater in his hands. "El, tell me what happened…that night."
"You know what happened," he said. "Please don't make me tell you." He finished the beer and set it on the table, his eyes looking back up to meet hers.
"Tell me," she said, moving over to sit across from him on the couch. She didn't make a sound as she walked, the couch not even moving as she sat down.
"We were on a stakeout. The perps showed up and we split up, me chasing one down an alley. You ran after the other one, into the building," he said. His voice was cold and mechanical sounding. He'd had to recount her death so many times that it just came out automatic, void of any emotion that might show the devstation he felt on the inside. "I don't know what exactly happened. I heard a loud explosion and when I got there, you, the perp, andhalf the building car were on fire. They told me you'd been shot, then the perp set fire to everything. I tried to go in and save you, but some officer grabbed me. You were identified by your necklace and badge." Tears filled his eyes as he saw her across from him, her skin tan and hair falling over her shoulders. He would give anything to be able and touch her, if nothing more than to be able and erase the memories he had of her charred body.
"Elliot, there are no goodbyes between us," she said, "You know that. We promised it to each other that night." He nodded, his eyes not leaving her form.
"I know," he said, "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
"You were doing your job," she said.
"I'm tried of my job taking everything from me," he said through clenched teeth. "And I still should have been there to protect you."
"Then where would you be? What would have happened to your kids?"
"They have Kathy," he said. "And maybe I wouldn't have to live through this hell."
"But, they need you," she said softly. "You still have a life. Don't spend the rest of it remembering me."
"Huang said you'd never really leave me," he said.
"I won't," she said.
"So, does this mean that I'll still be seeing you," he asked.
"For as long as you need me," she said.
"I will always need you," he said, looking down at his hands. When he looked back, the space she had been in was empty. He sighed and finished off the water bottle before going to the fridge for a cold slice of pizza and another beer.