Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there. Because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't, but then one day you feel something else. something that feels wrong, only because its so unfamiliar.

-Lucas Scott

Chapter 3

Haley's POV

July 17, 2011

He was everything I ever wanted in a man. If I were to conceptualize a list of ten desired qualities in a man, he would score eleven out of ten. He was my other half, this uncomprehendingly wonderful being that fulfilled my life, so much so that I sometimes doubted his existence and thought that I had contrived him in a dream. He inspired me, challenged me and loved me just as I was: quirks, flaws and all. He touched my soul so deeply that I was completely vulnerable to his grasp, which was always tender and caring. He taught me what it felt like to truly love someone down to your core; what it felt like to constantly live with a burning desire, so strong that it actually pains you, and he showed me the perpetually engulfing warmth of deep, flaming, impassioned, mad love. He dreamed up delightful visions of our future together – bright enough for both our imaginations.

I loved every element of his soul. What he deemed flawed, I saw as more reasons to love him: I loved his heartwarming stutter when he became too excited about a topic of conversation; that wisp of hair that he could never seem to control; the way he overused the word perpetually when describing his passions, letting my compliments bounce off him like a tennis ball to a solid wall; the sad smile he made that accompanied a vacant stare when remembering happy memories of a loved one lost; his confidence that was always accompanied by a tiny crevice of self-doubt, a nook that I constantly tried to fill; and his overwhelming passion for life and love: always optimistic, always grateful, always pure and true. Our conversations were energy-filled debates of love and adoration: bursting with the excitement of sharing our knowledge, truths, love and joie de vivre; yearning to include each other in every capillary of our lives.

He was my perfect puzzle piece: an over-thinker, a relentless inspiration-seeker, forever a solitary explorer, believing that life is meant for loving, and happiness is meant for sharing. He loved and took note of life's simple pleasures, like a steaming cup of tea, aged wine, the smell of old books, the beauty in the silliness of a fit of uncontrollable laughter, the underrated phenomena of a thunderstorm, the crinkles in my nose when I laugh and the unique story to the cracks and pops of a spinning vinyl. He was a down-to-earth man, taking a liking to the distinctive story behind every object, location and individual, equipped with the remarkable ability to connect with your soul; his presence an eternally rare gift. He encouraged my passions, loving the way I wrote words that I had never spoken, and my constant desire to make them bounce off the pages on which they were written. But he was also was my reality: pulling me back down to earth when I had floated too far into space.

"The timing was wrong."

He knew me better than I knew myself; he guided me towards a more beautiful life and opened my eyes to a wonderful, dazzling world that he helped create for me. My heart was safely, snuggly wrapped in a blanket of his pulchritudinous love; and so I always carried him with me, wherever I went: in my sub-conscience, in my actions, in my thoughts, in my activities. It was as though we were one, and I was just one half of this amazingly surreal, perfect concept of 'us'. With him by my side, I felt like I could conquer the world, reach all my goals and dream up inconceivable dreams; but with him by my side, I was just as content with dropping everything for a simple, happy life of togetherness.

I couldn't love him enough. The timing was wrong.

I was in the winter of my life, stuck in an icicle of numbness: too afraid to completely give my heart, but want to with every fibre of my being. My life was a circulating frustration, filled with demons of the past, and I needed to find myself before he found me. I was hiding behind a mask of optimism, running away from the claws of my emotions. He came into my life at a very fragile time and soon discovered that loving a conscious woman is hard work. I wanted simple; however, the new me and the life I was leading was far from simple. I was frustrated with him for the way he made me feel: filled with so much love, adoration and desire that he became a need – an unbeknown feeling to me; and I, like many other over-thinkers and women plagued by feminist ideals, was sadly too afraid to dive into the unknown, to listen to him beyond just hearing his spoken words, to mirror the support and respect that he gave me…

Despite the fact that he was faced with the toughest time of his life, a time of loss, unwanted change and an unimaginable sadness, he was still there for me; and I was undeserving. He would approach me with love and delight, and I would respond with a blank stare and silent tears creeping down my cheeks – tormented by my own frustrations that I simply couldn't understand. I could not give him the love and support that he needed, and it leads to a pointless war within. I was not ready for his love, as much as I desperately thirsted to be ready for it.

He was my first love and my first heartbreak.

Life without him brought me inconceivable pain: pain that turned out to be my greatest teacher. It was a pain that represented the few fighting rays of sunshine through the fog of my life; pain that set me on a path of self-discovery; pain that demanded me to keep learning; pain that taught me what it really means to feel; and pain that forced me to open my eyes that had been blinded by the illusion that the distance between us was merely physical and not emotional. Losing him, my entire world and the person I depended on for happiness, was a reality check of note: I was forced to avoid all distractions and take a cold, hard look at myself and finally be honest about my aspirations and how I wanted to reach them. I had to forget about everyone else's opinions and uncover the truth about how I felt – something I had hidden to make life easier: a demon that I should have addressed before I met him. I had to start creating my own happiness; and wow, what a challenge that has been.

It's hard to live with should haves and the mourning of unspoken words, unfulfilled moments and future memories left blank. I yearned for his forgiveness, knowing that it wasn't him, but me. I am thankful for the fact that I was never granted the opportunity to ask for it, due to the high wall that he had built between us, separating the beginnings of his new life from the memory of us, because it leads me to the realization that I first needed to forgive myself. The heartbreak was self-inflicted, and I will carry the weight of that with me for the rest of my life.

Life after him has been filled with self-discovery, enlightenment, change, a new lifestyle, new perspective, wisdom and new-found confidence. I am finally in a place of contentment and decisiveness: knowing that where I am right now is where I am meant to be. I am now capable of love and support, and I have accepted and grown from the flaws of my failed relationship and its lessons. I am now myself: the woman I tried to hide, and the woman that he loved, hidden beneath the facade of what I was trying to be. The journey to where I am now has been incredibly tough, but I have somehow healed through rediscovering myself: through writing, listening, observing and living; not in numbness, but in fully immersing myself in life's experiences. The realization that guilt is a wasted emotion and finally having the courage to forgive me took time, six months to be exact, but the freeing feelings of elation, relief and exuberance that followed are what has now come to define me as a woman.

Ironically, we are better fitting puzzle pieces now more than ever before, but the memory of the pain I caused him and the knowledge of its compounding nature will forever separate him from me.

It is always hard to choose a tense when talking, writing or thinking about him because my feelings for him will eternally be unchanged. My respect for that man runs deeper than the darkest depths of the ocean. We met at the wrong time, and that's okay. I have come to accept it, and hope that someday, maybe somehow, we'll meet, enjoy a cup of tea together, reminisce and escape in one last serene moment of shared happiness. Sadly, I cannot tell my heart when to stop beating for the person who has long since stopped listening for its rhythms.

One thing is infinitely certain: he will forever be the one my heart laid with even after all these years.

"Woah," Nathan exclaimed as he entered the café, noticing no empty tables anywhere, no room at the counter, along with phones being pointed at him, and people staring and whispering. One person, in particular, caught his gaze: Haley.

He spent fifteen minutes barricaded by the crowd by the door, taking photos and signing autographs, before finally making his way to the counter, and face to face with an exhausted-looking Haley James.

"Looks like you're a little busy here," he laughed, leaning against the small edge of the end of the counter.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious," Haley replied dryly, turning to add another ticket to the already-full order wheel in the pass-thru window.

"Sorry, not funny, got it," Nathan said, hands up in surrender, "What happened?"

"One of my waitresses out sick," Haley responded, before taking another table their food and returning to the counter and an awaiting Nathan.

"Could you use some help? or are you going to slam the door in my face again," Nathan asked, looking around and noticing that it wasn't getting any emptier? If it was possible, it looked like there were even more people than when he had entered only a few minutes earlier.

"At this point, I could use a miracle," Haley sighed, wiping the counter and collecting some dirty dishes in a bin, "Thank god we close early on Saturdays. 2 o'clock can't come fast enough."

"I could help out if you wanted me to," Nathan offered, shrugging, "I didn't have anything else planned for today."

"I'm 99.9% sure that Nathan Scott has never waited tables in his life," Haley retorted, turning to accept someone's payment and giving them their change, thanking them for coming and telling them to return another time.

"That would be true," Nathan admitted, "But I took a few cooking classes in college. Easy A's. And I'm good with people. And if you've ever seen my games, you know I'm fast as hell."

"Look, Nathan, I appreciate the offer," Haley said, "But I really don't think that's such a good idea."

She turned back to Nathan, grabbed an apron from under the counter, and threw it at him.

"Wash your hands, and don't make me regret this," Haley sighed, "You can start helping me with the orders."

In his eyes, Lucas was getting back to his roots. He would throw on his old grey hoodie, pick up a basketball, and head for the River Court after dark, dribbling the ball nonchalantly on the sidewalk.

Under the stars, moon, and, inevitably, the blaze of the River Court floodlight, Lucas felt as though he could think, which was exactly what he struggled to do every time he sat in front of his glaring laptop screen.

He hadn't seen Peyton in a few weeks, although both Brooke and Haley verified that all was progressing smoothly in the life of their favourite Sawyer.

Something puzzled him, however, and even Lucas, master novelist and careful scrutinizer of thought and emotion, hated to admit it to himself.

Ever since Peyton had moved back to Tree Hill, he'd gotten used to seeing her flash of blonde hair tilted towards him whenever he went out. He'd felt with a quiet pride Peyton's eyes following him wherever he walked. Without acknowledging her eyes burning into his own, he had known with a secret certainty that Peyton was watching him. He would never admit it, but he relished in the feeling of being wanted, and, even more shamefully, enjoyed denying Peyton exactly what she so blatantly desired.

But now Peyton had virtually disappeared, and Lucas missed the sidelong glances and blazing looks. He had Brooke, sure, and although he was certain of his feelings towards his fiancée, he found that her attention didn't interest him quite as much as Peyton's did.

Truthfully, Lucas had begun to miss Peyton again. In mere weeks, Lucas had once again begun a never-ending cycle of yearning, of thinking constantly about one person, and of wanting to be wanted: that ominous trifecta of bad habits which he had trained himself long ago to suppress.

Brooke saw Lucas' night-time basketball forays quite differently. She was convinced there was something he was not telling her. Sneaking out, she believed. An emotional affair, she suspected. And so she would call him on it.

Of course, outwardly, to any objective observer, Lucas was doing little more than some night-time exercise. But Brooke couldn't help but think that with every step he took, every shot he threw, every rush of that evening breeze, he was pulling further and further away.

So while Lucas and Brooke jumped headlong into a pattern of arguments, passive-aggressive accusations, reluctant apologies and half-hearted forgiveness, Peyton was building herself back into a semblance of her normal self. Life could never be entirely normal for Peyton Sawyer – that generally won't be possible when you have a multimillionaire best friend, an artist in the studio on the very precipice of a lucrative lifelong career, and are a central character in, arguably, the most popular novel to ever come out of Tree Hill – but Peyton relished in taking control of the few things which mattered most to her.

Perhaps it was the near-constant jibes about her work life that Peyton endured ever since she returned from LA – Peyton Sawyer, unemployed; everybody fails, just look at Peyton – but even the smallest win became to her a proud victory.

When John, the exec from Los Angeles, travelled clear across the country to lure away the artist she had discovered, Peyton felt the compliment. When she managed to negotiate a very favourable contract deal for Mia (albeit with the occasional use of trickery and deception), Peyton felt gratified. When she sent Mia out into the Real Wide World armed with her voice, a guitar and an album of 12 very well-produced songs, Peyton, with the tremulous feeling of one seeing their first child off to school, thought that she was maturing into the show-business-person which John had long urged her to become.

When Peyton paid back Brooke all that she owed, plus interest, she knew she was doing something she loved which was also financially rewarding. It felt good to prove her right.

As Haley turned the lock on the café doors, turned around, leaned against them, and sighed. Looking at the café, it was a mess, but not as big of a mess as it could have been, without Nathan's help.

You didn't have to stay to finish the dishes," Haley began, "I could've come in early tomorrow."

"Nah, I'm sure you'd rather be getting your beauty sleep than scraping dried guac off of glass plate," Nathan laughed.

"Are you saying I need beauty sleep?" Haley retorted, eyebrows raised, not quite realizing that this could be considered flirty banter, especially by Brooke.

"Uh, no…I was just saying that…well," Nathan was totally frazzled, something that never happened to him around women.

"I'm kidding Nathan, lighten up," Haley smiled, walking over to the large double sink to help him finish the dishes.

As she walked, though, she slipped in a puddle of water that was on the floor, and right before she thought she would land on her butt in front of Nathan Scott, something, or rather, someone caught her.

"Woah there twinkle toes," Nathan smiled, "Are you okay?"

As he lifted her up, she realized how close to him she really was. His 6'2 frame towered over her own 5'3. She could feel his warm breath grazing the top of her head. She looked up at him, still in his arms. Their eyes locked, and for a split second, she felt something. Something that she couldn't quite explain. Finally realizing what exactly was happening, she quickly, wrenched herself out of his grasp, nearly slipping on the puddle of water again in the process.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she stammered, clearly frazzled, "Thanks."

Haley put a towel down on the floor to soak up the water, and she and Nathan finished all the dishes in relative silence.

"You know, you haven't been yourself lately Hales. I mean not the Haley I remember," Nathan softly spoke as he continued to wash the dishes.

Well, I haven't been that Haley for three years," She replied, as she avoids making eye contact with Nathan while still scrubbing the floor.

"So what's this I hear about you having a son?" Nathan asked, finally breaking the silence as they walked out of the kitchen.

"It was around four years ago. I was in a pretty serious relationship with this guy a while in College, and when I found out I was pregnant my whole world came crashing down. I knew if I told him it would deter him from his own dreams and ambitions, I saw how happy he was and I couldn't do that so I just never told him. Fast forward a few years, I decided to tell him about this and he did not want anything to with James or me." Haley explained, vaguely, wiping off the counter one more time.

Nathan was just left stunned at the news, "I wish you told me, Haley. I could have helped you in any way possible. Maybe, I could have been some sort of father figure to him. I don't know if I would be good, to be honest given my history, but I could have been decent on at least. Is it anyone I know?"

"Nathan, I'm sure you'd make a great father someday, but Lucas has already got that part covered, but if it helps you'll be nothing like Dan," Haley replied, simply with a weak smile as she started to put the dishes away. "It just boggles my mind on what man would choose his career over his own son," Haley continued, as she leaned against the counter facing Nathan.

It wasn't until Haley's freshman year of high school that she really started to notice Nathan. He had become quite handsome over the years. His muscular, six foot two build, charming smile, and hypnotic blue eyes were enough to make any girl weak in the knees. At the time, he was a junior and on the Tree Hill High Varsity Basketball Team. She was a cheerleader along with Brooke and Peyton. Haley still remembered the first game when she saw him play. She'd almost dropped her pom-poms she was so mesmerized. Haley had never witnessed someone as focused and aggressive as Nathan on the basketball court. But at the same time, she could see his love for the game shine through. Haley and the other could have sworn that Nathan would have one of the greats.

But his amazing looks right now weren't the only thing that was intimidating. Nathan was always so confident— sometimes too much so. He knew who he was and made no apologies for it. Haley didn't have low self-esteem, but she was more reserved. Whenever Nathan was around, she was always afraid she'd make a fool of herself in front of him. He was older and had practically been the king of Tree Hill High. It was part of the reason why she never got too close to him. For a long time, Haley had tried to convince herself that her growing feelings and attraction to him was just a phase. Hormones were capable of some crazy things. However, she began to realize that those feelings had not subsided. It wasn't until she indirectly told Brooke about it that Haley realized she did, in fact, have it bad for Nathan Scott.

As she stood in front of him now, Haley definitely felt the urge to just bolt. She'd never just acted on her feelings because she never thought she would have a chance. but as Brooke had pointed out many times before, she wouldn't know until she tried. Haley wasn't naive, though. She didn't expect Nathan to take one look at her and immediately realize that she was the perfect girl for him.

They stared at each other. Haley could hear the crickets chirping in the background. It was getting really dark now. But Haley couldn't pull her eyes away. She drank in Nathan's appearance, making up for the months she had been without it. His hair was a little longer. His eyes, though usually somewhat squinty, were wide with worry, or sadness, perhaps.

A strand of hair had fallen into Haley's eyes, and Nathan desperately wanted to push it back behind her ear. He wanted to touch Haley's shoulder where it hurt and thought madly that he would like to kiss it better. She looked better than he remembered. Perhaps it was just the lighting in the café, but she looked glowing, somehow. Ethereal.

And as if by default, he looked down at her, and with an inward groan, he realized she looked better than the last time he saw her.

"You know, you're looking, even more, sexier than the last time I saw you, Hales," he murmured without thinking.

Immediately, the atmosphere broke. Haley winced. Nathan grimaced. The old phrase hit her like a ton of bricks. She took another step back. She felt guilty for some reason, like a child who knows it is doing something punishable. Like she was dirty all over. Suddenly, she wanted to be anywhere else except there, on the pavement. Anywhere away from Nathan.

"I should get going," she said coldly.

"Wait," Nathan said, "I'm sorry, Haley. Look, I'm really sorry. That came out wrong. I never should have said that."

"You're right, you shouldn't have," Haley replied, breathing hard. It was like she was looking at Nathan for the first time. "You know, we're not in high school anymore, Nathan. We're not the same people we were back then. You've made that embarrassingly clear. So you don't have the right to say that to me. Because now, you've got Rachel to get back to."

"Hale—" Nathan said desperately, trying to plead with Haley to listen to him but she was on a roll.

"You know, I haven't seen you in so long because every time I do, you somehow manage to remind me about our past. And just right now, while I'm trying to get over our history, while you're planning your wedding with your new fiancée, – who's just about the complete opposite of me, by the way, thanks for that - I could do without the constant reminders of who we used to be, okay?"

Nathan looked dumbstruck. Haley couldn't stop.

"So how about next time we both stick to the right side of the path. That way we never have to see each other again."

"But… what if we're going in the same direction?" Nathan asked.

"We're never going in the same direction again, Nate," Haley replied, forcefully. "Not anymore."

"Hale- "

"Go home to your fiancée, Nate," Haley said. Wordlessly, she picked up Nathan's cheque, thrust it roughly into his hands, and left the way she came.

Haley sidled up to Brooke in their living room a week later. Brooke was lying on the couch, reading a new novel, written – shock horror! – by someone other than Lucas Scott.

"No more Girl Behind The Red Door?" Haley asked, in mock dismay.

"I thought I'd try something new," Brooke replied. "Besides, I'm over-romantic fiction."

"Fiction, huh?" said Haley.

Brooke nodded. Haley cleared her throat awkwardly.

"So, Tigger, I've been meaning to ask you about this new leaf you've turned over," said Haley, and she sat down next to her on the couch.

Brooke groaned.

"I don't want to mess with this new person you're turning into, because she kicks ass, but - "

"But what?" Brooke said.

"But I noticed you haven't been wearing your engagement ring," Haley said accusatorily.

"It's because you don't want to see Lucas," Haley pressed on, with the condescending air of a psychiatrist giving a diagnosis to a patient. "I get that, and I know. Go cold turkey on Lucas, and you'll stop thinking about him. Stop thinking about him, and you'll stop the Lucas cravings. It's a classic defensive mechanism."

"Who are you, my shrink?" Brooke shot back. "So what if I've haven't been wearing my ring doesn't mean anything?"

"Doesn't mean anything, huh?" said Haley skeptically. "You keep telling yourself that. Meanwhile, we live in a very small town and you're going to run into him eventually. It's called a simple inevitability. That, or it's called next time I go out with the group I'm dragging your bony ass along with me. And when you finally do see Lucas, and when you realize that avoiding him isn't going to solve the problem, I hope you'll allow me to say I told you so. Brooke are you really in love with Lucas or are you just in love with the idea of Lucas?"

"If I'm being honest, maybe a little bit of both. I think I miss what I thought we would be you know?"

Haley nodded sympathetically. "If you would like, I can talk to Lucas about this and see where his heads at? Besides you, I know the guy pretty well," Haley continued as she consoled Brooke.

Brooke just nodded, And with a final meaningful glance, Brooke swept out of the room, slamming the door behind her with a flourish.

And as it turned out, Brooke's warning quickly came true. Through fate, destiny, or, as Brooke saw it, pure bad luck, she ran – quite literally – into Lucas, three days later.

Thank you all for the reviews the last chapter. I liked to read what you guys enjoyed and didn't enjoy. I hope you guys liked this chapter, what's going on between Naley? That seemed pretty intense. Let me know what you thought of this chapter. Any sort of feedback is welcome!

BrucasNaley: Aww, Thank you so much! That's very sweet. I'm glad you loved it :)

Guest: Thank you! I will try my best to update as soon as possible.

Mikala: Thank you so much! That's so sweet honestly. I don't know what else to say because your words were so kind. I'm happy you're enjoying this story!

sandygirl: Thank you :) I can rest assure you that things between Brooke and Lucas will work out perfectly fine, and Peyton will be out of the picture. For the story stake, I needed to add some drama. Hope you don't mind!

thibbs65: Thank you! like I said for sandygirl, things will work out fine between them both. Brooke does love Lucas, but given their past track records she trying her best to trust him but since Peyton's back in the picture things are more difficult.

Guest: Thank you!

naley12: Thank you!

dianehermans: Thank you! I understand completely that's why I had Brooke voice her concern because when it comes to her relationship with Lucas she's trying to forgive him and learn to trust him again but with Peyton back things are more difficult, but with that being said, in the upcoming chapters they will have another talk that will solidify where they stand in their relationship.

I don't know when I'll update it next, but hopefully, it is soon.

Thanks for reading!

Until next time! Bye! -Sidney