CAN I SNOG YOU, EVANS?

GENRE: Romance/Humor, Lily/James

SUMMARY: "James, we say this because we care: your techniques suck."

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

III. Muffins, Green Afros, Lipstick

James loves Sirius.

No, not in that way, idiots – as friends. Yes, he loves him. They had been best friends ever since their first train ride to Hogwarts in their first year, after 'accidentally' giving Lucious Malfoy a big green afro (which nearly earned him his first detention – Sirius managed to sweet-talk out of that one. McGonagall learned her lesson). Apparently, Sirius wanted to show James that he will become the next Albus Dumbledore; he said his name will 'be known to all.'

The 'next Dumbledore' part didn't work out too well. However, his name was known to all – if 'all' meant the students and staff at Hogwarts.

Filch, for example. He didn't just know Sirius's name, he was also familiar with his tricks; especially his and James's pranks. He had two file cabinets labeled 'POTTER AND BLACK' and was well on the way on starting a third one, he had chased them from every hallway known at Hogwarts, and he shouted their names so often it seemed like he couldn't control his own voice anymore.

"BLACK! POTTER!"

"POTTER! BLACK!"

"JAMES POTTER! SIRIUS BLACK!"

"SIRIUS POTTER! JAMES BLACK!"

"BLATTER!"

Ah, good times, good times.

Now, starting their sixth year at Hogwarts, James was starting to re-think about the 'friendly love'. He couldn't help but feel a little … not so appreciative of Sirius. Yes, he was only trying to help, trying to fulfill his 'duty' of a best friend, but right now, standing in front of his full-length mirror, he was having doubts.

And it wasn't just about their friendship.

"You look smashing," Sirius grinned from beside him, looking at the mirror.

James glared at him in their reflections. "This is lime green."

"Yes, I know."

"Why is it lime green?"

"I think it looks rather smashing."

"I think it's rather unnecessary."

"A little color never hurt anyone, Prongs."

"You do know I'm playing for Gryffindor, right?"

"So?"

"Our colors are red and gold with a lion as our emblem. Not a muffin!"

Sirius stared at the gold muffin on his chest, his mouth now forming an 'o' as James continued to glare furiously at him.

"Are you trying to help me again?"

"Yes."

"I've given up," James clenched his teeth, "asking you to stop helping me."

"Good idea, mate."

"I'm not going to ask how lime green Quidditch robes will help me 'get Evans,'" he continued, going over to his bed to grab his wand, "and I'm – what? What is it?"

Sirius had started to snigger but stopped abruptly when James turned his head around, looking at him oddly. "Nothing, nothing!"

"I don't believe you."

"You don't believe me, you don't want me to help you, some best friends we are –"

"We're back! Hey James, what's with your – ow!"

Sirius whacked Peter on the back of his head and gave him a look that clearly told him to shut up. Remus had entered their dorm after him, carrying his bag. He stopped and looked at his friend's attire, stared at him for a moment before turning to frown at Sirius, examining his fingernails innocently beside him.

"Padfoot," Remus confronted, "are you trying to help James again?"

"… yes."

"The word help is sounding less and less like a word," Peter muttered. "It's been said way too many times for the past week."

Frustrated, James waved his wand in Sirius's direction. "This maniac turned my robes lime green! Practice starts in five minutes, I have a muffin on my chest and I'll literally glow in the dark –"

"So Lily will see you!"

"Excuse me?"

All eyes turned to Sirius. "She'll be patrolling the corridors near the Great Hall, it'll be all dark, she's got to notice you somehow."

"And turning my robes into a neon color will, what, light her way?" James shot back mockingly. "What am I, her personal lantern?" He didn't wait for an answer; instead he turned to Remus and threw his arms up in frustration. "Help me here, Moony?"

Remus sighed, pointed his wand at James's Quidditch clothes and muttered the incantation. Immediately, the original red color came into view.

"Thank you," James grumbled, satisfied but still annoyed. "Right, I'll be going now. And no," he said without looking at Sirius, who had opened his mouth to ask a question, "you're not using the Invisibility Cloak to stalk me."

"But we want to be there for your first smooch with Lily!"

Peter snorted. "Who says 'smooch' nowadays?" Even he didn't say it. Jeez.

"Goodbye," James emphasized, grabbing his broom and slamming the door behind him.

Sirius turned to Remus, who was looking amusedly at the door. "You didn't change it," he commented, grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Nah," Remus smiled back, plopping himself down on the bed. "The muffin's still there."

"And so's Sexy Pottercakes," Sirius rolled with laughter. "I must say, that has got to be one of my better ideas –"

"Bewitching the back of his robes so it'd read Sexy Pottercakes instead of his surname? Ingenious," he chuckled.

Peter sniggered. "Did you change the number too, Padfoot?"

"I couldn't help it," Sirius said with an evil smirk. "He always boasted about being number one."

"So turning the one into 69 is going to help matters how?"

"It won't," Sirius stated simply, now on all fours under James's mattress. "I just thought I'd tease him a bit."

"Yes, because the muffin and the name change wasn't enough," Remus commented dryly. "You have it yet?"

Sirius pulled out James's 'Box of Secrets' (according to the lid). Underneath, in bold, red letters, he had also scrawled out 'DO NOT OPEN!'

Sirius opened it.

Holding up the Cloak in his hands, he grinned at the remaining Marauders. "Who's with me? Let's go catch James and Lily in action!"

Peter was already on his feet, brushing his robes off. "Let's go then!"

Frowning slightly, Remus said, "You heard Prongs, he doesn't want us to –"

"And since when have we ever listened to him?"

"Good point, fine, let me get my shoes –"

"Oh no, not you," Sirius put a hand on Remus's shoulder and pushed him back down. "You're supposed to be mourning for your great-great-grandpa today."

"Grandmother," Peter corrected him automatically.

"Same thing," Sirius waved it off as Remus started to protest. "I need to be there to keep you two from doing something stupid –"

"This was my plan, Moony, so everything's going to turn out fine!" Sirius beamed at him.

"Like your last one?" Remus shot back sarcastically.

"I'm out of midnight snacks," Peter cut in, looking under his bed. "We should stop by the kitchens on the way, Padfoot, I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night with a hungry stomach."

Sirius nodded, but Remus continued to object. "I'll be under the Cloak, she won't see me anyways! Or do you plan on revealing yourself?"

Squirming slightly under Remus's skeptical gaze, Sirius snorted. "Not on purpose, no! The Cloak won't be able to hide all three of us, so one of us has to stay behind."

"So why does it have to be me?"

"You'll be too loud telling us off," Sirius explained. "You'll give us away!"

"I'm coming with," Remus insisted. "I don't care what – what the hell is that on your head?"

Touching his hair, Sirius gasped in horror at what he felt. He whipped around to face the mirror and howled in despair at the sight, "My hair! My gorgeous, dark wavy locks! It's – it's –"

"Green," Peter finished for him, sniggering. "And big, and poofy, it's an –"

"Afro," Remus chortled, holding his stomach. "Sirius Black with a big green afro!"

"This isn't funny!" Sirius glared at his two roommates, who were now practically rolling on the floor with laughter. "I can't go out like this, it'll ruin my reputation!"

"And you won't be able to fit under the Cloak," Remus said, still chuckling. "No worries, I'll replace you, me and Wormtail here will go –"

"You did this, didn't you?" Sirius cried, holding onto his head – er, hair. "Moony, how could you?"

"I didn't," Remus shook his head. "Though I wish I did. I think it was Prongs, he was waving his wand at you, wasn't he?"

"Little twit."

"Says the guy who changed his robes green with a muffin on his chest," Remus snorted.

Peter was standing on a chair near Sirius, examining his new hair-do closely with a fascinated expression on his face. "Maybe it's a wig?"

"Oh no," Sirius, realizing what he was up to, backed away from him slowly, still clutching his hair. "No, you aren't going to pull my hair and 'test' if it's real or not, are you – OUCH!"

"Hmm, seems like it is," Peter sighed.

"Yes, thank you for pointing out the obvious," Sirius snapped, rubbing his scalp; as best as he could reach anyway. "Moony, you can fix this, can you? I have a date with – with – er, can't really remember her name, Fiona I think – no, Filomena –"

"Lucinda," Remus corrected him.

"How would you know?"

"I was standing next to you when she told you," he explained, "but you were too busy looking at –"

"That's not the point, I have a date with Lucille tomorrow –"

"Lucinda."

"– and I'd really appreciate it if you could de-green my hair!"

Remus looked at him, slightly red in the face with frustration and annoyance with his big green afro, and started to laugh instead. Sirius threw his hands up in irritation.

"Let me come with you then," Remus bribed him, smiling slyly.

"No!"

"Fine, suit yourself. Either you let me in on this little trip with your 'gorgeous, dark, wavy locks', afro-less, or you stay here with your new hair-do, sulking."

Sirius pondered this for a moment, but before he could reply, Remus added, "And we'll push you down the stairs so everyone in the common room will see you."

"Even Lucia?" Sirius's eyes widened in horror.

"Lucinda, yes, she will," Remus glared at him. Was it really that hard to remember a girl's name? Or was it the afro's doing?

"Fine," Sirius replied immediately, and stood next to him. "Now do it."

"And," Remus continued, "you'll have to promise to just watch James and Lily, and not interfere."

"Right, okay."

"Deal?"

"Deal."

"You have to promise."

"I promise."

"Pinky swear?"

"What's a pinky swear?"

"Never mind."

"Why is it called a pinky swear? Pinkies don't swear, do they? If they did, my pinky would be one dirty little –"

"Just – don't interfere. Got it?"

"How many times do I have to repeat myself?"

"Just making sure, you always seem to 'forget' these things –"

"Can you two shut up so we can get going and get some food?"

James was practically skipping on his way en route to the Quidditch Pitch. On his way, he would definitely meet a certain lady named Lily Evans – brilliant! He'll be all charming and polite, he'll woo her, and the next thing he'll know, she'll be agreeing on a date with him on their next Hogsmeade weekend.

Nothing could go wrong … especially without his other friends around, trying – and failing – to help him. He felt like shouting in glee to the ceilings above!

He did.

"Potter!"

James whipped around to see McGonagall glare at him, poking her head through a classroom door. He chuckled nervously, raised his hand as if apologizing, and scurried off quickly before she could say anything else.

"Oof!"

He collided with something – or rather, someone, he wasn't stupid enough to walk straight into a wall or statue – and stumbled a few steps back.

"Potter!"

"Lily!" James grinned at her. "Lily!"

"Yes, that's my name," she scowled from her position on the floor. She pushed herself up and brushed her robes off. "What are you doing here? Where are you going?"

"Why? Do you want to come with me?"

"Where, to another one of your dates?"

"With a broomstick and in my Quidditch robes?" James raised an eyebrow at her questioningly.

"Yes, your robes," Lily looked at his chest, not knowing whether to laugh or frown. "I have a bunch of questions and I don't know where to start."

Seeing where she was looking at, James straightened his back and puffed his chest out. "Well, let's start with number one," he beamed. "I get my toned abs from Quidditch, but I am naturally toned and muscular, no fat on me at all –"

"Muffin," Lily interrupted, pointing at his frontal area. James looked somewhat taken aback.

"It's a little early for endearments like that, but if you like," he grinned broadly at her, putting an arm around her shoulders and started to steer her down the hall. "What shall I call you? If I'm your muffin, you can be … my cupcake!"

"Cupcake?" she scowled, trying to push his arm away but with no avail.

"No? What about Lilypie? I think it has a nice ring to it."

"I think," Lily glared at him, still trying to push away his offending arm, "you've gone crazy."

"Crazy for you," he smiled dreamily at her, finally letting her arm go. "Go on, Lily – go out with me."

"Since when have you started calling me by my first name?"

"Calling you Evans makes it sound so … unfriendly."

"I have never given you permission to call me Lily!"

"Why do I need permission?"

"Because it's my name!" Lily burst out stupidly.

"So if I call you Evans, will you go out with me then?"

"Listen here, Potter," Lily stepped in front of him, tilted her head to look right into his eyes. "I – will – never – go – out – with – you."

"Why?"

"You're –"

"Yes, yes, I know," James waved off her excuses, pouting. "I know. I'll change!"

"You'll change when pigs fly!" She turned around angrily and started to walk away. "Go away, I have patrolling duties to do. You're in my way."

"No, I will!" James cried, grabbing her arm. "Tell me what to do – everything, all the steps, I'll do them one by one. I'll do anything you ask."

Lily stopped struggling against his grip and looked at his pleading eyes with wariness. "Anything I ask?"

"Anything!"

Ever since their first encounter on their first ever train ride to Hogwarts, James fell for those green eyes. Even then, when they were flashing with anger, he felt compelled: big, captivating, deep emerald orbs, reminding him oddly of his favorite flavor of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, spinach (he was weird that way).

He had decided right then and there that green was his new favorite color.

But right now, he couldn't help but feel apprehensive. Those green eyes that were usually crossed in anger or annoyance when they met his were now brightened rather mischievously.

"Nothing life-threatening," he added quickly, noting the look, "and you can't tell me to sod off, and you can't – you can't push me away!"

"Fine," Lily smiled happily, but before she could say anything else, James interrupted: "But you'll have to go out with me in the end."

"I'm not promising anything," Lily muttered darkly, which actually meant NO in her mind. Usually, she would've pulled away, maybe docked some points off from Gryffindor, yelled at him some more and go back to her Prefect duties, but today …

James, as trusting as ever, especially around Lily, beamed at her. "You will," he grinned cockily. "You're going to fall for my charms! Then we'll be going out on dates, we'll get married with Sirius as the best man – actually, I'm not sure if he's qualified for the best man post yet, but we'll see, now, who do you think should be our bridesmaids and what about the name of our first child –?"

Lily ignored his blabbering and cut in with, "First things first," she finally managed to pull herself out of his grip, "your hair."

"My hair?"

"Yes, Potter, hair. Surely you've heard of it?"

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"It'd be quicker to mention what's right with it," Lily frowned, looking at the dark mess on his head. She pulled out her wand and began poking and flipping through it as if examining a particularly overgrown fungus. "Have you ever owned a comb before?"

"I'd still like to know what's wrong with my hair!" James demanded, stepping back and pulling away from her reach. "It looks amazing and smells just as wonderful! Is it the color?"

"Uh, no –"

"It is, isn't it?"

"Potter –"

"I'll change the color for you! What do you prefer? Blond? Nah, I look horrible with blond hair," James sighed miserably, pulling out his mirror, and glared into it as if it would tell him what color to change his hair to. "It's brown, isn't it? I've always thought you were more of a brunette kind of girl, and it'd go wonderfully with your red hair, although I think black looks better –"

"It's a mess," Lily interrupted once more, putting her hands on her hips. "It looks like the Hiroshima bomb blew up on it."

"Who's Shima?" James demanded. "Why is he the hero? I'm the hero!"

"It's a bomb – never mind!" Lily was losing her patience. "It's just, your hair is a mess, I don't care what color it is – what was that?"

Something brushed past her, sending shivers up her spine. Before the duo could say or do anything, swear words seemed to pop out of thin air and they could hear the sound of a 'backdoor trumpet'.

James recognized the sources of these sounds (and odor) immediately, cussed himself, and started dragging Lily away.

"Where are we going?" she demanded. "What are you doing? Stop!"

He obliged, stopping only outside the front doors. His eyes darted around their surroundings but before he could say anything, Lily cut in. "Aren't you supposed to be at practice?"

"Wha?"

"Quidditch," she pointed at his broomstick. "The love of your life."

"I have many loves in my life," James replied. "Quidditch, yes, but then there's Honeydukes, and Zonko's Joke Shop, and there's chocolate cake – especially the rich, gooey ones that stick to your teeth. Oh Merlin, I can live on that alone, without sex –"

"Too much information," Lily scowled.

"– and then there's my most recent favorite, baguettes dipped in fruit salad –"

"Yes, no need to remind me," Lily glared at him. "Speaking of which, when will Black repay Charlotte for ruining her clothes?"

James grinned furtively. "Well, I can think of several ways Sirius would be more than happy to –"

"Will you stop thinking like a pervert?"

"Will you go out with me?"

Lily was about to retort but instead gave a little shriek when she felt something brush against her arm again and instinctively stepped closer to James, who noticed this immediately.

"What's wrong? Don't worry, I'll protect you!" James threw his broom to the side dramatically (and hit a first-year, but that's okay) and stepped in front of his ladylove, chest puffed out with hands on his hips, looking impressively around.

"Protection? From you?" Lily snorted. "What about Quidditch?"

"My team will shrivel without me, but that's okay," James grinned at her. "My Lilypad is more important!"

"Your 'protection' will most likely end up with me in the hospital wing with strawberries coming out of my ears, Remus and Black switching personalities, Peter having overgrown finger nails painted in hot pink and you covered in green slime."

"How did you know they're here?"

"They're here?" Lily gaped at his equally shocked expression. "I was just kidding!"

James realized his mistake too late. "Who do you mean, they? 'They', I mean 'they' as in … the Beatles."

"You know who the Beatles are?"

"Yep. You know, they're surprisingly good."

"Of course they're good!"

"My favorite song's Yellow Submarine, what about yours?"

"I love that one too! I have an autographed poster of a yellow submarine from my dad; he gave it to me for my birthday. "

"Really? No way!"

"Uh-huh, I know, right?"

"… and last week I bought this lipstick in the perfect pink color!"

"Oh wow!"

"This girl grabbed it before me, and I was like, oh no you didn't."

"What a bitch."

"I know right? But I scratched her and got it!"

"Oh gosh, you must show it to me sometime!"

"I have it right here, want me to put some on you?"

"Okay!"

Peter paused his chewing for a moment. "Padfoot, you're really not going to put it on him, are you?"

The remaining three Marauders were now cramped in a tiny broom cabinet: a dark, dusty room with a 'perfect view of them making-out,' according to Sirius. After a few minutes of hunching their backs (except Peter) under the Invisibility Cloak and watching James and Lily talk about the Beatles, they decided to move into 'a more spacious place.'

Needless to say, they were having second thoughts.

Sirius snorted. "Of course not. Imitating and teasing has its limits, you know." Damn it! He discreetly put the lipstick back in his robes and removed the red wig from his head.

"Says the man who tripped on his own beard that he grew when impersonating Dumbledore," Remus muttered. "But I'm glad to hear that."

"Are they still talking?"

"Mm-hmm," Peter stuffed another blueberry muffin in his mouth while peeking out of the keyhole of the broom closet. "When's the smooching going to start?"

"I-know-right?"

Remus looked at his friend awkwardly. "Why are you still in character?"

"I can't help it," Sirius frowned. "So, bitches, what's going on out there?"

"They've stopped talking about the Ladybugs –"

"Beatles," Remus hissed, cringing.

"– and are now back to arguing."

"About what? About which position to use for their first encounter –"

"Padfoot, you're stepping on my shoes."

"Oh my gosh, are those Chanel?"

"How do you know about Muggle designers?"

"Girlfriend, I am so, so sorry –"

"Please stop."

"Guys," Peter bit his lip, a half-eaten brownie in his hand, "I think I ate too much."

Sirius and Remus took a while to take this information in. They stopped, looked at their little friend (it was dark; they looked at a piece of rope on the wall instead), looked at each other (Remus looked at Sirius's butt, Sirius looked at a broomstick), back at Peter (the brownie in his hand this time) … and then realization sunk in.

"MUST – GET – OUT – OF – HERE –"

"Sirius, now you're stepping on both of my shoes – "

"I'll buy you a new pair, I'll buy you another dozen, just get us out of here!"

It seemed like the closet was either shrinking or they were growing bigger by the minute; Remus somehow got his foot stuck in a box and Sirius had tripped over his feet. "I can't move!" Remus groaned, pulling on his leg. "Thank Merlin I remembered to cast Muffliato, or else we'd be in big –"

"Wormtail, PUT THAT CAKE DOWN!"

"How do you know I'm eating?"

"You chew like a hippo."

"What's a hippo?"

"PUT THE CAKE DOWN!

"It's pie."

"THEN PUT THE PIE DOWN!"

"Oh, did you want some?"

Sirius let out a groan of anguish and hit the back of his head against the cold stone floor. "Moony," he looked up from his position on the floor and stared hard at Remus's crotch, thinking it was his face. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

Remus nodded sternly, looking at the mop. "Wormtail's the closest to the door, we can't find the Cloak, and we don't know any spells that can stop … 'Mother Nature', so that just us leaves one option."

Peter stopped chewing and looked at a spider dangling in front of his face. "Guys," he said nervously, "what are you planning?"

"I can't believe I just told you that."

"I can't either."

"How … why – why did I tell you that?"

"I think it's pretty cute."

"There's nothing cute about explosive diarrhea!"

"It sort of is when it cost you twenty quid just to –"

"So I had to wipe my butt with Muggle money because there weren't any toilet paper left, get over it! James Potter, stop sniggering!"

Before James could reply, there was a sudden BANG and a certain Peter Pettigrew – and his bag of desserts – rolled out of the closet, facing James and Lily, his expression just as stunned as theirs.

"Peter?"

"Wormtail," James growled, "please tell me Padfoot and Moony aren't in there too."

"Padfoot and Moony aren't in there too."

"Really?"

"No." Munch munch munch.

"Then why did you – ?"

"You told me to."

James bristled in annoyance. He was about to open his mouth and retort when he noticed the sudden change of expression on Peter's face, an expression he knew only too well.

"Potter?" Lily looked at him skeptically when he suddenly grabbed her wrist and began pulling her away and breaking into a sprint. "Let – go – of – me!"

The second 'bang' could be heard echoing in the Great Hall.

A/N:

TBH, this chapter didn't go as well as I planned, but I intend to make it better with the next one. I'm done with my college applications, so I'll definitely have more time to write instead of putting it off week after week like this one (:

Thank you to all my reviewers!