So, I wanted to update yesterday. And I said chapter three was already written. It is already written, but former chapter three is now chapter five. I just had to do something from Logan's POV. And I didn't put everything I wanted in the last chapter, so there's coming another one from Kendall's POV. I'm pretty confident I will have that ready by tomorrow.

I curled up a little more, but whatever I tried I just couldn't get warm. I knew exactly why. I lost the person I loved most. I lost fucking everything and it was all my fault.

I wished I'd done better. I wished I'd watched out for this. I wanted so bad to turn all of this around or go back in time to stop myself from going to med school. It wasn't worth it. Nothing is worth it when I don't have Kendall.

I felt more tears stinging in my eyes and didn't try to stop them from falling. I missed him so much. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I lost him. It always seemed impossible; losing Kendall. I mean, we were always so close, he meant more to me than anything in the world. I loved him and I wanted him back.

I shivered and pulled the blanket over my head. I needed Kendall. I was always warm when I was with Kendall. I loved it when he held me. When he wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me tightly, like he expected me to float away if he let me go. Which was probably true, because I did push myself away from him.

I wanted Kendall back so badly. It was the only thing I could think about. He'd always been so good to me. Whatever happened, he was there for me. He did whatever it took to make me happy. His touch, his kiss, his hug; everything felt so good. Kendall was perfect. I couldn't believe I pushed him away. That I ignored all he did for me.

He did everything for me. Before Thanksgiving he never said one thing about my work schedule. He just took it and made the best of it. He made me meals and did my laundry. He always waited with sleeping until I was home, I knew this because he always pretended to be sleeping when I sneaked into our bedroom, but after six years of marriage I could tell when he was pretending or not.

And until New Years Eve he still held me in his arms when we were sleeping. I would give everything to have that now. I should've realized back then that something was wrong. That they were slipping away from me. That Kendall fell asleep without me that night, while I was pretty sure he always had to hold me before he could fall asleep, it was a sign. That was also the moment Keira and Kegan no longer asked me to stay with them for a day.

But I let it happen. I was the cause of it. I no longer had a family and it was all my own fault. I lost everything with Kendall. I couldn't go to James and Carlos, because they would side with Kendall. I certainly couldn't go to Jennifer or Katie, because they would kill me. And I hadn't seen either of them in the last five months. I could try Camille or one of my other old friends from the Palm woods, but once I explained to them what I did none of them would help me.

Sure, I knew a lot of people at the hospital. I had to, because I had to have contacts when I tried to get a job as a doctor. But they weren't my friends. There were some colleagues I was friendly with, but most of them were my competitors.

And my babies. My little daughter and son. I couldn't even start to describe how much it hurt to have lost them. I missed them so much. Keira's sweetness, Kegan's enthusiasm. They didn't deserve this. They were innocent in all this, and so was Kendall. The only thing he did was protecting them and himself against me. It was me who cause all this.

More hot tears escaped my eyes. How pathetic was I? I mean, I was crying over something I caused myself. I should be fixing it. I should go back home and beg Kendall to forgive me and take me back. At least then I would be doing something useful.

But I was too scared. What if I went back and Kendall just kicked me out again? What if I went home and he gave me divorce papers already signed by him? I couldn't take that. I needed Kendall. I wanted nothing more than to go home and show him I still loved him. I just hurt and disappointed him so much I wasn't sure he ever wanted to see me again.

That is also why I didn't pick up my phone when he called. I was so scared he would tell me he wanted a divorce and custody over Keira and Kegan. I figured that if I just didn't answer the calls he couldn't tell me he wanted that. Then maybe, if he had some time to calm down, he would think about this again and want me back in his life.

I stared at my wedding ring, hating how it didn't fit around my finger anymore. I still remember when he gave it to me. The silverish color shined so brightly in the sun I couldn't see the ring at all until he put it on my finger. It fitted perfectly back then. And the inscription... I love you, my sweetie.

What was the last time I told him I loved him? I couldn't even remember. And our last real kiss? No idea. I wasn't even going to think about the last time we made love. That was too long ago. Kendall needed those things. He craved them. He couldn't go long without a little sign of love from me. He ached for it; a kiss, a hug, cuddling together under a blanket. It was like air to him. And I knew it. Then why did I deny him that?

The last time I did something like this was six years ago; the months after our little encounter in the pool. I had an excuse back then. I'd been pregnant. I certainly wasn't pregnant now. If I was this wouldn't have happened. Now I was just a jerk that cared more about his work than his family. An amazing family that I shouldn't have hurt so badly, then maybe I might've had a chance they would take me back.

I hated I was the cause of this. How could I even take it this far? Where did it change? Oh, I knew where everything changed. It began when love making turned into fucking. I should've known we wouldn't succeeded with that. I didn't know exactly how I received and got pregnant yet, but I did know we created Keira on one of the best moments in our relationship. We had no idea what day it was when the condom broke and we got Kegan, but it was after Jett happened and Kendall and I were both happy our lives were getting back on track.

We made love to get them. Of course it wouldn't be so easy now, with the damage the doctor made to my womb, but I was sure that if we tried it would work out. Like always. It had been me to suggest we would try to have another baby. Kendall, my sweet fool, was willing to do whatever to make me happy. It had been me to make a schedule of nights we would've sex on.

Ever since the first time we'd sex, it was all about pleasing the other and showing how much you loved the other. It only happened when both of us felt like it -which was often-, but when I wrote down the days it became something we had to do. It was no longer a choice. After a few weeks, I didn't even come anymore. I hated it. It hurt both physically and emotionally when Kendall thrust into me. He worked so hard to make do everything as I wanted to have it.

I think I started taking all the stuff he did for me as normal. It wasn't of course. I don't know what it was, but my relationship with Kendall felt so much more intense then the relationships other couples around us shared. Kendall did a lot for me. If it wasn't for him I would be dead now. I'd no idea what it was or why, but Kendall used to love me insanely much.

He didn't even try to hide it. He always showed it to everyone. If we came somewhere for the first time, Kendall's arm was around my waist to show everyone I was taken. He held my hand in public, he kissed my cheek if we were waiting in line in the supermarket, he whispered 'I love you's' in my ear even when a room full of people was watching us. No, Kendall never tried to hide how much he loved me.

Also when we were alone, Kendall couldn't help himself. Playing footsie under the table when we were eating, holding my hand, hugging me randomly, always kissing me somewhere when he left a room, holding me when we were sleeping...

He didn't even need me for that anymore. Kendall could sleep without me. Those moments at night were so precious to me. It were the moments I really felt like he needed me. Kendall was always so strong and independent, he did everything in our house on his own. He didn't need me for that. But when we were lying in bed, he needed me to sleep and it felt so good.

This was partly why I started med school. Eventually, the money we made with Big Time Rush would be gone and then someone had to earn money for our family. I wanted to be that someone, because then I could finally take care of Kendall instead of the other way around. I loved it to get wrapped up in his arms, but sometimes I wanted to do the same for him. I wanted him to depend on me for something.

But now I lost him. I lost the love of my life and I wasn't even trying to get him back. No, I was lying in bed like a pathetic, spoiled little kid that didn't get the toy he wanted. I should get up and take everything like a man, because it was my fault. Kendall had every right to do whatever, because there was no excuse for what I did.

I just wanted to go home and fall into Kendall's big, strong arms and then cry until he said everything would be okay. I wanted to kiss him softly, exactly how he liked it and get told he still loved me. I wanted to go to our bed, snuggle my face in his chest under the blankets and stay like that forever.

I missed Kendall so much. I had to figure out how I could go home without Kendall kicking me out again. I could always fake a pregnancy... No. I'd considered that before. That was just stupid. He would find out eventually and then he would be hurt even more. I couldn't do that to him. I was never going to hurt Kendall again.

But I wanted to go home so bad. I would do whatever to go back to what I had. To get back what I lost. I would even give up on- Would I? After dreaming about it for so long? But I realized, that yes, I would quit everything to get back with Kendall. If that was what it took, than I would give up on med school. And the job that was promised me for when I graduated.

I honestly didn't care about being a doctor anymore. Not if it meant I couldn't have Kendall and Keira and Kegan. They were everything to me. And about the money we earned with Big Time Rush? I don't know exactly how much it was, but the last time I checked it was enough to use for the rest of our life together.

I turned on my other side to try to get warm, but it wasn't helping. I needed Kendall, then I would be warm again. Okay, and I needed food. It might be helpful to eat something every once in a while. Which I didn't. I hadn't eaten ever since Kendall kicked me out. Eating or drinking wasn't something I liked to do. I hoped that if I would punish myself for hurting Kendall, God -or whoever had control of my life- would forgive me and give him back to me.

Except, it wasn't really working. I didn't even notice while it was going on, but apparently I'd been skipping breakfast and lunch since Thanksgiving and dinner since I started working night shifts. I only ever ate what Kendall made for me when I got home from work for our fuck.

But when he kicked me out, I just stopped completely. Nothing tasted as good as the food Kendall cooked. And I felt too sick to eat now. I was sure that if I tried to eat, it wouldn't stay in my stomach long.

However, after not eating for five days -and only a little before that- I still drank. I wasn't stupid, I was almost a doctor. A human body could go without food for a very long time, but only three days without water. So I drank water. And some yoghurt drinks, but only just enough to stay upright during the day. I didn't exactly deserve more.

This also meant I had to go to the bathroom every few hours. I hated those trips to the bathroom. I got really cold and once I was back in bed, it took me over an hour to warm up again. But this wasn't something I could control.

I sighed and crawled from under the blankets. I was wearing sweat pants and large blue shirt -Kendall's shirt. I found it when I went through the clothes I had collected at the hospital. I had forgotten all about it, but was so happy when I found it again. Now I 'slept' in it. It still smelled a little like Kendall when I found it, but his scent quickly faded after wearing it non-stop for four days.

The day Kendall kicked me out I spent in my car in front of the hospital. Apparently I wasn't really needed, because they never called again to ask me to help them out. I was completely numb, I couldn't believe that really happened. I was stunned and even a little angry. How dare Kendall to do that? Without a warning? That house was mine too! He had no rights to kick me out!

But the more thought I put in it, the more I realized Kendall had every right to do this. When I felt the tears coming I went out of the car and walked into the hospital, up to the second floor to the PICU. Yeah, I was specializing in infants. I went into the office and greeted my colleagues and fellow students, before going to the locker room to get some clothes. That was when I found the shirt.

I walked into the bathroom and glanced in the mirror. I looked hideous. I'd never been exactly muscular, but I used to have some. Nothing was left of them. My arms were just bone with some skin around it; so were my legs. My collar bones were sticking out so far I was surprised they didn't tear my skin yet.

I didn't even want to think about what was hidden under the shirt.

While I peed I looked around the bathroom. It was everything you could expect in a cheap hotel. Green was the most evident color, probably to hide the mold that was growing. The bed smelled suspiciously much like vomit and I was sure I saw some cum stains on the floor. It was gross. It was perfect.

I left the bathroom and hid in the bed. I wished I could fall asleep, but insomnia was a side effect Anorexia nervosa. You see, I knew exactly what was going on with me. I just didn't have the fear of gaining weight. I wasn't afraid of eating. I just didn't want to do it.

I felt something lying under my arm. I immediately grabbed it when I remembered what it was. The only picture I had of my family. Or part of it. It was just Kendall and Keira and not even a resent picture. It was one I made when I was pregnant with Kegan. Kendall was feeding Keira and they were both smiling. Keira was making a mess of herself and her high chair and Kendall wasn't exactly preventing it.

We were so happy back then. Kendall and Keira and me. I got tears in my eyes as I realized I missed so much of Kegan's life. I started med school three months after he was born and in the beginning that was fine. He was just a baby back then and didn't realize I was gone often. Kendall was always there to take care of him. I was there when he spoke his first words -dada, like Keira did-, but I missed his first steps and so much other important things. I didn't even mind back then, I thought I would make up for it eventually.

And now I left on his birthday. I couldn't even imagine how Kegan must have felt when I told him I couldn't come home. When I saw Kendall's phone number on the screen of my cell my heart fluttered and I hoped he was calling me to ask me to come home. That he wanted me back. I almost started crying when I heard Kegan's little voice.

I wanted so badly to tell him yes. I wanted to go back to him and hold him the rest of the day. But I couldn't. Kendall would've killed me if I came back. But when Kegan begged me, I couldn't do anything but let those tears slip. He was my little boy. And I didn't even have a picture of him in my wallet.

Kendall was right about that. I didn't even know them anymore. I spent months carrying them around in my stomach, I went through so much to have them. But I didn't even know them. They were my babies and I loved them so much, but if Kendall replaced them with exact copies of them, I wouldn't have noticed.

But I wanted to know them. I wanted them to be just as close to me as they were to Kendall. I wanted to spend time with them and cuddle with them and hold them when they were crying and I wanted to hear them say 'Logie love' to me.

And Kendall. I wanted Kendall back. I would do whatever to go home to him. Kendall was too good to be treated like this and if he took me back I would give him whatever he wanted. I was going to do everything I could to have him back.

And I knew exactly what my first step would be.

I crawled out of bed and fell on my knees next to my bag. It took a few minutes before I found my phone. I hid it because I didn't want to face the temptation when Kendall called. I would give anything to hear his voice, but the fear he would say something like 'divorce' or 'don't love you anymore' was too big.

I found it and didn't hesitate one moment to call the number. I wanted Kendall back and if this was what it took, I would do it over and over again for the love I lost.

I pressed the phone to my ear and waited impatiently for someone to pick it up. "Hello, with Logan Knight... Can I speak with Dr. Ewing?... Yeah, with Logan... Yes, I'm alright... No, I want to tell you something... I quit..."

Hmm. Logan's thoughts aren't exactly organized... Don't know why. Oh well. What do you think? And if you find anything you want to have explained, please tell me? I have the feeling I forgot something, but I don't know what. Thank you!