A/N: Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing, it's appreciated. This is a long chapter, but I hope you all enjoy it. It may be awhile before I post the next chapter as I'm now focusing on getting a few more chapters to 'Dogs of War' written. Thanks for your patience.
Enjoy!
Bobby & Alex's Apartment
The air smelt like rain and asphalt as he watched as the light breeze blew in the curtains around the window like some formative dance routine. Ever since the weather got nice enough, warm enough, they've slept with the window open. Tonight was no exception other than the fact that he couldn't sleep. He'd dozed for almost an hour after they'd made love, but awoken when the rain started. That had been nearly two hours ago.
There was too much to think about that his mind just wouldn't shut off. There was the case, the boy, Alex and the wedding, his mother…Then there were his own memories that were slowly coming back to him. It'd been two months and yet he was still rediscovering bits and pieces of his life. Some things he was happy about, like remembering his Army days and befriending his mentor, Declan. He'd have to give the man a call. Then there were the things that worried him deeply, like memories of his dad, his brother…
Sighing, he turned his heavy eyes away from the window and stared at the ceiling. Alex was sprawled against his left side and using his left shoulder as a pillow. His arm was completely numb under her weight. He didn't care. It wasn't the first time and he smiled when he thought that it also wouldn't be the last.
Across the ceiling there was a reddish orange light streaming across it from the light outside, and he could see the shadows of the curtains flowing across the ceiling. Then another shadow joined but was solid and stayed. Looking over, he saw the source. A small kitten had jumped up onto the windowsill to get out of the rain. It sat still, staring out into the dark night, and waited.
Bobby watched the kitten for a moment before adjusting his arm from under Alex's body. He got it free and withheld a groan as it started to tingle and ache as his blood started to circulate once again. Getting up, he headed down the hallway and through the living room into the kitchen. Rummaging through the cabinets, he found the can of tuna and opened it. Going back into the bedroom, he went slowly over to the window so not to frighten the kitten and placed the can on the windowsill.
The kitten pounced over to it and hastily started to eat. Kneeling down, he petted over the kitten's wet fur and smiled slightly when it started to purr. It wasn't long, only a couple of seconds, and he started to feel the inching in his throat and stuffiness in his nose. He got up and went to the bathroom where he washed his hands and took an allergy pill. Maybe the medication would help him get some sleep too.
He got back into bed and rested his left arm over his head, staring over at the kitten that was now licking its paws and cleaning its face. Alex shifted next to him, getting close as she draped her arm over him.
"You should take an allergy pill," she mumbled into his chest before kissing it.
He smiled. "I already did." Rolling onto his side, he pulled her close as he said, "I didn't wake you did I?"
"No," she said with a sigh. "I've been awake for a while. I didn't realize you were awake too until you got up."
"Why can't you sleep?" he asked as he lightly caressed over her back. She was doing the same to him and it felt amazing. His entire back was tingling.
Alex was quiet and he thought that maybe she was troubled by something he'd done. Then he thought that maybe she was having second thoughts. But, she reassured him when she finally told him, "Its work related."
"Does it have anything to do with Mike?"
She looked up at him and shook her head. "You've noticed."
"How could I not?" Bobby brought his hand up and lightly tilted her head up. He leaned forward and kissed her. Breaking the kiss, he said, "You can tell me."
She was quiet again as she closed her eyes and wrapped her arm around him tighter. "We've been having a hard time lately as partners. Deakins threatened to split us up as partners today if we don't resolve our issues."
"And neither one of you are willing to back down," he said as he thought of both Alex's and Mike's stubbornness. "You don't want to lose him as a partner?"
"No, but…" she trailed off and shook her head. "It's not that easy."
Bobby thought about that for a moment as he rolled onto his back. Alex moved with him and nearly climbed on top of him. That put his mind on hold as he felt her adjust her leg in-between his. Trying to settle the sudden ache that was increasing in his groin, he let out a deep breath as he told her, "Talk it out with him. Why don't you leave early and stop by his apartment before work?"
Alex started to trail her fingers over his chest and his eyes snapped close as she placed a kiss against his neck. "I could do that."
He almost missed her say that as he was focused on the feel on her hand going lower, down to his stomach.
"So, what about you?"
Bobby shook out a breath as he said, "Uh, me…what?"
Alex chuckled against his chest as she stopped moving her hand. He groaned. "Why can't you sleep?"
"Oh, uh…Just thinking about the kid and everything. I'm, uh, I'm remembering some things and that's got me thinking too."
"Things like what?" she asked as she kissed over his chest. That definitely wasn't helping him to concentrate on the answer to that question.
"Do you want to talk or have sex? We can't do both," he said as he Alex's hand started to move over his skin again.
"Yes we can," she told him as she moved her hand up to his head as she kissed him deeply while running her fingers through his hair.
Once he could breathe again, he told her, "I forgot the question."
Alex smiled at him as she caressed over his stomach again, but keeping her hand strategically away from where he wanted it to be. "What things are you remembering?"
Leaning up, he caught her lips in a kiss before saying, "The many, many times we've had sex."
Alex laughed as she pushed him back down. "Now I know you're lying."
Bobby sighed as he stared up into her dark eyes. It was so dark in the room he couldn't see the sparkle in them, just the darkness. "Just things, about my life, family, that's all…now, I'm done talking." He grabbed her hand that was playing with the hair on his chest and guided it between his legs.
He could feel how wet she was against his leg as she wrapped her hand around him. His eyes slid close as his breath hitched. She started kissing him again, over his lips, then neck and down to his chest. She was killing him so slowly and he loved every painfully good second of it. When his impatience got the best of him as his heart hammered in his chest, he rolled them over, pinned her to the bed, and entered her.
After he came, and his body stopped shaking, he rolled to the side and took a deep breath as he stared at the ceiling. He felt he'd spent and was ready to finally sleep as he closed his eyes. Alex covered him again, and he felt her heart beating against his chest.
Letting out a breath, he sleepily told her, "I'm goin' to sleep."
"Okay."
Telling her that he loved her was the last thing he remembered before waking hours later when the alarm went off. He reached over and turned it off without even lifting his head up. Shifting in the bed, his body, especially his back, felt stiff. His muscles were aching from where he'd been kicked the day before by the irate woman.
Not wanting to start off his day with those thoughts running through his head, he pushed them away as he sat up in bed. He heard cars driving by and air-breaks from buses, and looked over at the open window. The empty can of tuna was still there but not the kitten. Getting up, he grabbed the can and shut the window. He threw the can away in the bathroom trash as he started the water for a shower.
It didn't take him long to get cleaned and shaven, but Alex was trying to rush him out of the bathroom as she walked in and proceeded to brush her teeth while he picked up the electric razor. Then she jumped in the shower as he cleaned his face and patted on the aftershave.
"I made coffee," she yelled out him as he left the bathroom.
He could smell the coffee drifting down the hallway as he went back into the bedroom to dress. As he thumbed through the suits he'd recently had dry cleaned, he remembered he had to pick up the clothes he'd dropped off in Rockaway yesterday. He would do that after work, he told himself as he tossed a suit on the bed and grabbed a tie off the back of the closet door. By the time he was tying the tie around his neck, Alex was out of the shower and rubbing lotion all over her body. It was very distracting as his eyes drifted over to her. She was leaning over, rubbing lotion over her perfectly toned calf and thigh of her left leg. The towel she had wrapped around her upper body was partly open, and he found himself staring at her until she looked up at him and blushed.
"Liking what you see?"
"Every time I look at you," he said as he passed by her, but stopped to give her a kiss before heading down the hall.
He opened the front door and grabbed the paper off the stoop before shutting it and relocking it. As he walked through the living room, he spotted something move out of the corner of his eye. Jerking his head over, he went to take action when he saw what was moving over the back of the couch. It was the kitten.
Bobby stared at it as it stared right back at him and then meowed. Letting out a sigh, he shook his head and muttered, "Just great. Alex!"
"What?!" she yelled from the bedroom.
"Come here!" he yelled back.
Seconds later she walked around the corner and glared at him. "What're you-" she trailed off as she saw the kitten on the back of the couch. Turning to him, she said, "Nice, Bobby. You fed the little fur ball and now it's going to eat my bird."
He smirked as he said, "Your bird is in a cage. It's not going to eat it."
"Her, my bird's a she."
"Still." He looked back at the kitten; it had dark brown eyes and was solid black with the only white patches on its chest and paws. "I noticed last night that he's been declawed; someone owns, or did own, this kitten."
"Great, you make the posters and I'll gladly help you put them up."
Bobby stared at the small kitten that seemed to know that he was its only ally in that house. Alex wasn't a cat person. She didn't hate them it just was she wasn't too fond of them. She loved dogs, but with their work schedule, it was easier to take care of a self-reliant animal, like a bird. Cats were also self-reliant…mostly. He, however, never minded any type of animal. They never had any pets when he was a kid aside from the occasional stray he would come across and try to keep. It never happened. "Okay," he said as he walked over to the kitten. Despite his allergies, he picked it up and held it up, checking its gender, saying, "But if we can't find the owner, I'm keeping him. "
Alex smiled and shook her head at him. She then looked at the kitten and sighed, saying, "If we don't find the ten year old this cat ran away from, he's all yours."
"How'd you know it was a ten year old?" he mockingly asked as he carried the kitten with him into the kitchen. "Could be a forty year old with twenty of them, and in that case, I'm definitely keeping him."
Alex told him that she would make breakfast that morning, so as he sat at the table drinking a cup of coffee and playing with the kitten, he thought about what to do with it while at work. They didn't have anything, not a litter box or toys. "Do cats need toys?"
"They have toys, scratch posts…I thought you dated a cat lady."
"I did, but…I don't remember anything about the apartment or what the cats did. I just know I dated a woman with cats. Lola, right?"
"Yeah," Alex said as she flipped an omelet over in the skillet. Looking over at him, she said, "You don't remember past girlfriends?"
He barely shook his head as he started laughing when the kitten did a backflip when it tried to jump up to the table. "Not too much, no," he said as he went to push the kitten away as he charged toward his leg. The kitten skidded across the floor and came running right back. "He's very playful."
"Unless you want to clean up after him when you get home from work, you should put him in the bathroom with newspapers on the floor."
"I was just thinking that," he said as he looked up and saw Alex putting an omelet onto a plate. He got another can of tuna out but only dished out half of it for the kitten. Carrying it out of the kitchen and toward the bathroom, the kitten chased after him.
Before he left he also put in a bowl of both water and milk, not really sure with was best, and then shut the door. As he grabbed his shield and binder off the counter, Alex was watching him with a smirk on her face. "What?"
"You're not going to make posters, are you?"
"I…uh…"
"That's what I thought. Better think of a name, and be prepared to dish out some money on shots and getting him neutered."
"So it's a yes," he said as they headed out into the humid morning air.
"It's not like I have a choice. You looked like a kid on Christmas morning playing with that fur ball," she said as she headed to her car while he headed to his.
"Good luck with talking to Mike," he called out over the roof of his car to her. "I hope you two work it out."
Alex gave him a soft smile, like she wasn't telling him everything, before walking his car to give him a kiss. "Love you."
"I love you too; and be careful," he told her before getting into his car. He hit the button to put the roof down on the convertible after starting it.
Giving a wave, he backed up and headed toward the city. Alex wasn't far behind him. She practiced her tailing skills as she followed him the whole way until they had to go their separate ways once off the bridge as the sun finally peeked over the horizon.
Mike Logan's Apartment
Lower East Side, Manhattan
Alex knew that she and Logan had to have a serious talk. They haven't been able to do that at work; it was too easy to get distracted by the aspects of a case or to ignore the elephant in the room in favor of doing the job. So, when Bobby suggested that she should go over to his place, she agreed. Walking up to the second floor of the four story walk-up, she pounded on his door and steadied her nerves. She had her partner's morning ritual down and knew he would still be home. Unlike her, Logan didn't have much of a commute to get to One Police Plaza.
She saw the light behind the peephole disappear and heard the lock turn and chain hit the door. Logan looked like hell when he opened the door and she wondered briefly if he'd been tossing and turning all night too.
From the apologetic look on his unshaven face, she knew that he had. He opened the door further to let her in and then shut it. She smelt coffee but didn't hear any noises in the apartment.
"If you want to talk, mind if we do it over a cup of coffee," Logan asked as he headed toward the kitchen.
She gave a nod and followed.
Logan filled a cup for her and then one for himself. Alex looked around as she blew on it and took a sip. There was a container with sugar in it on the counter and Mike grabbed it, putting it on the table for her.
"Denise still asleep?"
"She didn't stay last night," he said as he sat down at the table. "We got into it and she went home. Guess I managed to piss off every woman I know yesterday."
Alex saw the grief on his face and knew he was troubled, but so was she. Sitting down across from him, she said, "We agreed two months ago that I'm going to be the one to tell Bobby. That means it's also my decision when I tell him."
Logan looked up at her as he rubbed the stubble on his chin. "That's why I haven't said anything to him my damn self. I've had so many opportunities, and believe me I wanted to, but all I could think of was you never speaking to me again. You asked me not to, to let you handle it, and I've done that."
Alex nodded as she stared over at him. "Yet you can't let it go," she accused him. "If you want to stay my partner, you have to tell me why you're so adamant about Bobby knowing? Nothing good can come of this, Mike. And if you've somehow forgotten, Bobby said he didn't want to know. So if you respect me enough to let me handle it, then why can't you respect Bobby for not wanting to know?"
Logan looked away from her as he stared down into his cup of coffee. His anger over this whole thing was confusing her. She didn't know why he couldn't leave it alone. "You're scared."
"What?"
He stared over at her as he said, "You think he'll break if he knew. You think he'll go back to the way he was before. That he'll start drinking again, that he'll be angry all the time, and-"
"Of course I'm afraid for him," she said, cutting him off. "He's recovering and doesn't need a hindrance."
"The job is a constant hindrance," he nearly snapped. "Life is a hindrance. And you can't protect him from life. For fuck's sake, Alex, he's a grown man, not a child. He's the most intelligent person I've ever met, and you think by telling him that he might be the biological product of Mark Ford Brady that he'll lose it, or what? Because I don't know. Worst case scenario is that he'll wonder how and get all quiet for a day, but he won't suddenly go jump off a cliff. I mean, shit, if he's that delicate, if he's that fragile minded he shouldn't be a cop. He doesn't need to be handled with kiddie gloves."
"I never said he did."
"Then stop trying to protect him from the truth. If he can't logically say to himself that it doesn't matter, that his dad is still his dad and his mother his mother, something that even a child can do than maybe he is crazy. And yes, I would think that because no one in their right mind would actually think that it suddenly made them, or turned them into, someone they're not, especially Goren. He understands this type of psycho-babble shit better than anyone."
Alex shook her head in frustration; she was starting to feel pressured, like she wasn't getting her point across at all. "It's not about whether he can handle it-"
"Yes it is, because you obviously think you have to keep this-"
"It doesn't even need to be addressed or brought up. He doesn't want to know," she stressed. "I'm respecting his wishes."
"He should," he told her softly as he returned to focusing on his coffee. "He should want to know; I know I would. He would if he was the same, but he's not. You know it and so do I. I'm not even saying it's a bad change either. He's a great guy, but I'd rather have a drinking Bobby with anger issues than a Bobby who doesn't care about his own mother, or who doesn't care to know."
Alex knew Logan was right in saying that; normally, Bobby would want to know, but he still wasn't a hundred percent himself.
Logan calmed down as he sat quiet for a moment, taking gulps of his coffee while she barely touched hers. "And you could be wrong; there is something good that can come from him knowing," he said. "He might talk to his mother again."
She stared at him in confusion, not understanding how this had to do with Bobby's mother.
"Think about it," Logan said, "I know I have, and I don't even know why. This isn't my problem, and I never wanted it to be. I'm not responsible for Bobby, but I can't help but notice that he's not acting completely right. And it makes me think, why? Why would he suddenly stop talking to his mom? Then I think, if I were him, and I thought my mother was just another adulterer like my wayward father, if my whole image of her was changed, would I be bitter? Would I stop talking to her? You bet your ass I would. And if you think Bobby's not a spiteful person, you don't know him very well. All you have to do is mention his dad and you can see the spite."
Alex thought about that as she finally started gulping down the coffee. She was still frustrated with Logan, but she also told herself that they had to resolve this, and part of that was listening. She was treating this conversation like she would an interview. Taking it all in and listening more than speaking, and when she had a question or needed something clarified, then she would ask. What he'd just said made her rethink and reconsider why she thought Bobby was ignoring his mother.
Bobby had told her why, but she wasn't sure if it was the whole truth. He could have kept it from her that he felt betrayed and angry with his mom. That he was, in fact, doing it partly out of spite. She wouldn't be too surprised come to think of it. She didn't know if Bobby remembered, but she remembered what he'd told her months ago when they got back together after their separation. She remembered the pain she felt for him when she discovered that Bobby did hold a shameful bitterness toward his mother.
Logan downed the rest of the coffee in his cup and got up. As he refilled the cup, he said, "I can't believe I'm dwelling over this shit. I'm the one who shouldn't care."
"You're just thinking like a cop. You see something wrong and you want to figure it out, and to fix it, and you and Bobby are friends."
Logan huffed out a laugh, saying, "Yeah? Tell him that."
"I didn't think I had to. Did something happen?"
Logan shook his head but said, "At the bar, after our meeting in the hallway, he threatened to break my face if I'd ruined the day for you."
Alex's face wrinkled into confusion as she thought back to that day. She remembered Bobby asking if she was okay, if Mike had upset her. Now she knew why.
"And the way he said it, I know it wasn't an empty threat." Logan grabbed a bagel and offered it to her.
Alex took it with a soft mutter of "thanks," as she continued to wonder about her fiancée. That was a word she definitely wasn't used to saying in reference to Bobby. It still amazed her that they were getting married.
Logan sat a tub of cream cheese between them and a plate and knife for her. "He will find out, one way or another, Alex. And when he finds out you knew, and didn't trust him enough to tell him, I think he'll have a serious problem with that." Sitting down, he started preparing the bagel, saying, "Another good thing that might come out of this is family. Brady was a serial rapist aside from being a killer. I wouldn't be surprised if Bobby has siblings out there, ones better than his brother Frank, better than Caleb. Hell, for all we know he could be an Uncle. Many children are products of rape, but who knows, maybe Brady had a girlfriend and it was consensual. There could be someone out there in the world right now trying to find others who have the same father as him or her. Bobby could be that other that they're looking for."
Alex never thought of anything like that; all she could think of was Bobby going back to the way he was before. Then it hit her again that he wasn't like he had been; he had changed and was still changing. The Bobby she was with before never would've gotten down on one knee and proposed marriage. He never would've taken in a stray kitten either. He was more open with changes than he'd ever been; more willing to be happy and not taking things for granted. But more importantly, he was more willing to trust. She believed he trusted her more now than ever. It was one of the reasons he was marrying her.
And she was keeping secrets.
"Anyway," Logan said, "besides all of what I just said, he deserves to know what we know concerning his family, and that's all there is to it. It's his life, Alex, his family, not ours, and he should be the one to decide if he wants to pursue it further. Like we've both said many times before, it's not proven that Brady is his biological father, so for all we know you're trying to protect him from scratching the name off the list. As for respecting his wishes, if we had nothing I would respect them. I wouldn't ask him to run his DNA for possibilities. The thing is we do have something. We have a name, and that's all we're giving him. A name."
"So, you want me to go up to him and say, oh, by the way, your father could be a serial killer," she said in annoyance. She was more annoyed with the fact that Logan was getting through to her.
Logan smirked and said, "You've gotta use more tact than that." He took a sip of his coffee then asked, "So, am I still your partner?"
Alex took a bite of the bagel and said, "If you weren't, I wouldn't be eating your food. I can't even believe I'm still hungry. I ate breakfast before I left."
Logan huffed out a laugh as he said, "Maybe you're pregnant too."
Alex stared at him and then a fear crept up inside of her. "Don't even say that."
"I was kidding," he defended but he must have noticed the look on her face. "I didn't mean to make you freak out."
Alex shook her head at him as she took a sip of the coffee and chewed the bagel. She wouldn't be able to let it go now until she did take a test. Just great, she sighed as tore off a piece of bagel and threw it at him.
Logan laughed, and then asked, "Are you going to tell him?"
She took a breath and gave a nod. "I guess I have no choice. This not telling him thing has been hard, but I just couldn't see anything positive coming from it. You make a good point. His family isn't ideal and his siblings are a nightmare. If he finds something good out of this, a family member that's actually good, and decent, and sane, than that would be great."
Logan finished the bagel he'd been eating and downed the rest of his second cup. "And if not, you can say I told you so."
"No, I'm going to make you plead for mercy."
Once she finished eating, she told Logan she would meet him at work and left the apartment.
She went down to her car and headed to the nearest store where she bought a pregnancy test. It was the second time she had to take one of these since being with Bobby. The first time had been terrifying, and as she paid the cashier at the counter, she felt it again. She was absolutely terrified, but she wasn't sure if it was from fear or anticipation. She put the test in her purse and thought about her birth control pills. She'd been taking them, but she'd been warned and heard about women still getting pregnant while on the pill. They weren't a hundred percent full proof, and Bobby never wore a condom. He didn't even buy them anymore.
Shaking the paranoia away, and feeling silly for even jumping to conclusions and thinking of who to blame, she told herself that it was just a snide joke from Logan that set her off. Not a real scare like last time. She wasn't due for another three weeks, so it wasn't like she was late or anything. For all she knew, this was nothing but a need to get it out of her head.
Once she got to work, she would do the test. Then she'd be able to continue on with the rest of her day.
Methodist Hospital
Harlem
The night before he wasn't able to get a full statement from Colton regarding the rape for several reasons: the kid had been too traumatized, and there was no representative from Child Services to be a witness to the interview. So, he had decided to wait until today to talk to the boy. He'd done these types of interviews with Major Case, and even a few as a patrol cop and Narcotics detective, but always as a byproduct of another investigation.
There was a reason Special Victim's was a completely voluntary unit. The cases they had to deal with day-in and day-out were the worst. He'd take a murder investigation over a rape of a seven year old any day of the week. However, unlike a murder, a rape victim was still alive. They could overcome the monstrous acts committed against them and continue on with life, and knowing that was the only thing keeping him from quitting the unit.
He'd thought long and hard once he was reinstated about whether or not he wanted to stay with Special Victim's or return to Major Case. He had volunteered himself for the unit during the Caleb Cunningham case and thought that once it was over he would return to Major Case. But now, he wasn't sure what his ambitions were.
He was still discovering parts of himself, and with those discoveries he was asking himself some pretty tough questions. He had to make changes in his life if he wanted to successfully beat not only his addictions but to overcome all the trials he'd been through in his life. He'd made a major change in himself and his life when he proposed to Alex. That was something he'd never expected he would ever do. Now he was questioning his job, and what he wanted out of his job. He was questioning what made him happy, and what gave him the most satisfaction.
Yeah, it was tough, working these types of cases. They were stressful not only mentally but emotionally. It was easier to keep his emotions as bay over a murder case. But to see the anger, the fears, and the pain in a child who'd been assaulted in the worst way imaginable, that was hard. He didn't have a child, but he didn't need to be a father to feel like the only thing worth doing in his life was to protect not only the life of a child but the innocence of that child as well. It was the reason why he'd lost it with Rory Collins. His only thought was protecting Colton, and that had set his anger off, made him lose his temper.
Maybe that was why he was still with the unit. There was nothing more admirable in his mind than taking down the worst of the worst. People who hurt children.
Bobby entered the ICU room and smiled at the little boy who was sitting up in bed and using a blue crayon to color a picture. "Morning, Colton. How're you feeling?"
"Fine," the boy said with a huge smile on his face. "I got ice cream for breakfast."
Bobby chuckled at that as he grabbed a chair and pulled it over to the side of the bed. "Ice cream. What kind?"
"Vanilla, with sprinkles," he said as with wide enthusiastic eyes.
It hadn't even been a whole 24 hours yet and Colton was already making progress. Bobby hoped that meant this was the first incident,; the boy didn't seem like he'd suffered for years or even months. Maybe they prevented this early. Still, once was too many times, but it was better than multiple. Better than years.
He gave a nod as the door opened and the Child Services rep walked in. She was a young woman, dressed professional, and she was in a happy mood. Bobby got up and shook her hand, thanking her for coming. "I'm Detective Robert Goren."
"Rebecca Gates," she told him. "I'll let you conduct this interview as long as it's okay with Colton here, but if he starts getting angry or-"
"I'll stop the questioning," he told her as he sat back down. "My purpose here isn't too upset him any further, I promise you that, Miss Gates. In fact, he doesn't' even need to talk. I have two pictures I can show him and all he has to do is point to the person who hurt him." Turning to Colton, Bobby asked, "Is that okay? Can I show you some pictures, Colton?"
He stopped coloring as he nodded his head. Taking the construction paper off the tray table, he handed it out to him, saying, "I show you a picture. I made it for you."
Bobby had been going through his binder when Colton held the picture out. He stilled as he looked at the picture and took it from him. At seeing what Colton had drawn, he smiled. It was a picture of three people: a police officer holding a badge, offering it to a little boy who was sad. The third person in the picture, guarding over the both of them, was Batman. The drawing was actually really good; the boy had skills. "I love it. Uh, thank you."
Colton lounged back on the bed with a smile before muffling a yawn. Bobby figured the kid was still on some pain meds. "I know who hurt me," he suddenly said with a determination that Bobby had never seen in such a young victim.
Sitting forward, Bobby nodded as he waited for him to tell him.
Colton looked over at the Child Service's rep as he started to cry silently. Reaching up, he rubbed at his eyes as he said, "Both of 'em."
Bobby felt his stomach ache as he heard that soft declaration. To clarify for the record, he had to ask, "Both…your mom and step-dad hurt you?"
Colton nodded as he started to shake. "My mommy don't love me no more. She told me…"
His heart broke at those painful words as the boy collapsed in front of his eyes. The sheer pain and grief nearly killed him as he got up and pulled the boy into his arms. Colton cried harder as he wrapped his tiny arms around him.
Looking over at Gates, Bobby saw her giving him a nod as she walked to the far side of the room and pulled out her cell phone. It felt like they held each other for hours, but it was only a couple of minutes. Colton grew exhausted after letting his grief out and when he eased him down into the bed, the boy fell right to sleep.
Bobby put the picture in his binder and got up to follow Gates out of the room. Once in the hallway, he rubbed at his head and eyes. "What, uh…what now?"
"Now, we take him into custody and put him in foster care. There's a guardian house with several other abused boys and girls that he'll probably be placed in. The rest is up to you guys and the courts."
He looked back through the window and at the boy lying in the bed. He got Colton out of that house and it felt great, but to think of him being put in foster care didn't sit right with him. There could be relatives somewhere, grandparents, aunts or uncles. "How about extended family?"
"We're looking but as of now," she gave a shrug. "Desiree's family is from Philly, but all she has is a mother who's been charged with drug possession. Her father's in prison for robbery. Rory, his family's in Louisiana. No parents but cousins and a brother. They aren't ideal either. Bad roots all around. I hope this kid gets a chance to change that."
Bobby looked over at her as he said, "It doesn't matter where you come from, it only matters who you become, the choices you make…He has more than a fighting chance."
"Let's hope," she said as she started to walk away. "I'm going to stay. The doctors said he's looking good, no infections or STD's. He'll be released this afternoon."
"What time?"
She shook her head and shrugged.
He pulled out his card and handed it to her, saying, "Let me know when, uh…I'd like to know his progress, keep in touch."
She smiled at him as she took the card. "You know, we have a youth program. It's something like the Boys and Girls Club, but it's our own sponsored program. I'm sure Colton will be place in it. You could volunteer."
Bobby thought about that and felt himself smiling. "I think I'd like that. I'll come by uh…this weekend to check it out."
"Great," she smiled as she took out her own card and turned it over. She wrote a number down and handed it to him. "In case you have more questions and can't get a hold of me at the office."
Bobby looked at the number and then at the young woman. He wasn't sure if she was coming onto him or genuinely being supportive, but he felt himself he had to make that clear. Not wanting to offend her in anyway, he said, "Uh…thanks. Um, I want you to know that I'm only interested in this program," he gave her a pointed look. "I don't know if you're uh…interested in me…"
She realized what he was asking and went a little red before laughing and shaking her head. "I'm not going to lie and say that you're not cute, but I didn't write my number down to get a late night phone call. I'm with someone."
Relaxing, Bobby smiled. "Great. So am I, I'm actually about to get married so…"
She congratulated him before wishing him luck. "And I'll see you this weekend."
Bobby put her card in his binder as he stared to walk away. "Okay, uh…see you later." He headed out of the hospital and pulled out his cell phone to call Benson to give her an update.
Major Case Squad
At eight-fifty seven that morning, they got a call from a city park official that they might have footage of their suspect. They had recently installed a security camera system in Jefferson Park but at first didn't think it held anything important since it wasn't focused on the apartment buildings across the street. The cameras were focused on the grounds and the gate.
"You're suspect could've made a short cut through the park," the official told her over the phone. "So I went back to check footage of the times around TOD. I think I have him."
Alex had gone to the park's security office and met with City Park officer Ryan Norris and collected the footage. She had copies sent directly to the emails of their forensic A/V techs and to both her and Logan's email, as well as taking the hard copy of the security data DVD it was recorded on. Getting back to 1PP, they went over the footage second by second, frame by frame, and captured as many still shots of the suspect as possible.
"I don't want this going public yet," Deakins said. "This is only for our eyes only, not the media. Is that clear? We'll get a BOLO out and APB's to all the patrols and state police. Let's catch this mutt before he kills again."
Alex watched as Deakins headed out of the squad room, on his way to a meeting with the Chief of D's, Chief Yarrow, and the Police Commissioner himself, Lyle Morris. She didn't envy her Captain at all. At least they had a picture of the suspect. Having a name would be better, so she went over to her laptop and got started on trying to ID the man through MO's, facial features, possible height and weight that they could gather from the photos.
"We could get permission to send this to the FBI or Homeland Security," Logan said, "They have facial recognition programs that might be able to help."
"You're assuming this guy is in the system."
"So are you," he said as he looked over at her. "Or else you wouldn't be looking for similar MO's. I don't know, but I've got a feeling this guy isn't in the system. There's no way we missed this guy if he was on our radar. He's been flying so low under it, he doesn't exist."
Alex frowned as that worried her. Logan could be right. This guy could be new, and never been arrested before. If that was the case, then this was going to be hard to solve. And with that, more bodies. "He didn't just start killing. Serials work their way up to it." She tried to remember things Bobby had taught her over the years about the progression of serial killers. "I'm going to start with the beginning markers of future serials, as Goren would say. Physical and sexual assault on women, indecent exposure, stalking…and who knows, we might get lucky."
Logan nodded as he started his own search. He wasn't a laptop kind –of guy; he preferred doing things the old fashion way. He took copies of the photos they had and got up. "I'm going grab a couple of uniforms and go show these around the park and neighborhood. I bet this guy stakeout the apartment. Someone could've seen him sitting on a bench, in a car, or in a diner. Maybe he bought a coffee or water from a vendor."
"Good luck," she told him as she searched through mug-shots of convicted stalkers over the past ten years who fit the description she had. This was going to take all day.
Special Victim's Unit
ADA Casey Novak was fluming as she squared off with Captain Cragen. "It isn't my fault that Mr. Collins got bail and his lawyer is threatening to get the charges dropped due to police brutality. Your detective assaulted him."
Bobby frowned as he sat in the chair and listened to her go off. "I didn't assault him," he defended himself as calmly as he could.
Novak turned to him and crossed her arms, saying, "What'd you call strangling the guy?"
"I didn't-" he cut himself off before he started yelling. "I could've gotten extremely close to the man, but-"
"Save it, Goren," Cragen snapped as he glared hard at him. "I've already gotten your statement as well as Benson's and the officers on scene, hell, I even got the EMT's to write a statement. They all said the same thing; that Detective Goren got physically close to Mr. Collins, applied pressure to his neck using his forearm, but didn't hit him, nor did he use his hands to afflict physical harm. He kicked at the door after closing it, but that was it."
Novak sighed in annoyance and said, "And that was enough to raise the question if whether or not the charges against Mr. Collins should be dropped. His lawyer is filing to have that happen right now as we speak. He'll take it to a Judge and in the next couple of days, we'll have our answer." She turned around and left the office, leaving him alone with the Captain.
Bobby stared at the floor before rubbing at his face and head.
"Don't worry about it," Cragen told him. "Get back to work."
He got up and went to leave when he stopped himself. Turning to face his Captain, he asked, "How can I not worry about this?"
Cragen looked upset but not at him, but with the circumstances. He shook his head and told him, "You can't, but you have nothing to worry from me or the judgment of this department. Believe me, you're not the first detective of mine to lose it with a suspect, and you won't be the last. You didn't hit him, but I know a detective who has in the past hit a suspect and he's still here."
Bobby nodded as he thought about who, but it wasn't that big of a mystery. "Stabler?"
Cragen sat down and opened a file. "You got it. Now, back to work. I want you to get everything you can on Collins. In case they do drop the charges, I want you to come back swinging."
"Yes, sir," Bobby said as he left the office.
Benson was at his desk, waiting for the verdict. "Well?"
"We're to get everything we can on Collins. Let's bury this guy."
She smiled and jumped up, saying, "Gladly, I'll get the shovel." Benson went ot her desk and got to work on her laptop, trying to get anything she can on Collins including past convictions and associates, and previous residences. Anything she could find.
Bobby knew that pedophiles didn't commit this type of crime once. There could be other victims who hadn't come forward; they just had to find them. "You check New York," he called out to her. "I'll contact New Orleans PD; Collins lived there for fourteen years until he moved here five years ago. He could've left because of accusations of child abuse."
He worked the phones for the better part of the day; talking to various police departments and officials in New Orleans and through parts of Louisiana. Bobby wrote everything down and even had reports faxed and emailed. There had been complaints, suspicious reports filed by residence that Collins was a suspected pedophile. Nothing was proven but there were names of potential victims and ex-girlfriends who made a complaint only to deny the charges later.
Collins left the state after he was picked up for a DUI. He never appeared for his day in court so a bench warrant was put out for his arrest. However, bench warrants didn't cross state lines and no one sent out the Marshall's for DUI convictions.
They could extradite Collins to New Orleans; let him go to jail for the DUI and skipping his hearing, but he'd be back on the streets in months, a year at best. It wasn't enough. Bobby heard the door open to the Cragen's office and turned around.
Cragen walked out and got the attention of the whole squad room. "As you all know, Police Commissioner Lyle Morris has resigned. I've just been informed that his replacement has been announced. It will be First Deputy Commissioner William Ganci. Ceremony will be this Saturday. Those of you who aren't working a case will be there in their blues." He held up a sheet of paper and started to read off names, "Unless you are working, those who are required to attend are: Garcia, Bucca, Mitchell, O'Hagen, DeAngelis, Fin, Munch, Benson, and Goren. Even if you're on call, you will still show up. The names who I did not call, I know that you're either in the middle of a case and have stakeouts planned for Saturday, or you had to work over the weekend while we were all enjoying a day in the park. And before you start bitching, I know you're all hoping for a case to suddenly break, but just remember that if I have to suffer, so do all of you."
Bobby sighed and stared over at Benson who smirked at his annoyance. He didn't want to go, and maybe with this case he would be unable to attend. He doubted it though. Once Cragen went back into his office, an array of snide comments and complaints about having to go filled the unit.
Taking out his cell, he sent Alex a text. Minutes later, she responded. "Looks like we've got a date night with the Commissioner," she wrote.
At least he wasn't the only one going. And Alex being there would brighten his mood. Bobby put his phone back in his pocket as he went back to focusing on his case.
Basement of Lady of Lord's Catholic Church
Chelsea, Manhattan
The room felt stuffier than usual; probably due to the increasing temperature outside and the fact that there was no A/C in the basement. There were fans. He could hear them swirling above him, feeling the faint whiff of air hit him every few seconds. Then there was the bad coffee. It wasn't descent. Not even slightly. It tasted bitter even with the powder creamer mixed into it. And as he downed it, the only thing he could think of was how he'd never drink a glass of Glenlivet Scotch again.
The fact that that thought was painful, that it physically hurt, let him know how bad his addiction had been. He didn't think non-alcoholics got physically ill at the thought of never drinking again. Bobby sat the empty paper cup down as he glanced up. It was quiet today. Nobody wanted to get the ball rolling.
Looking over at Cragen, he saw his Captain looking at him. Bobby knew he wanted him to talk, especially since with what happened yesterday. So, taking a breath, he spoke, "Uh, everyone here knows me as Robert. It's my name, but…it's very formal. My friends and family, they call me Bobby. I guess, now since I'm getting to know everyone here better and you me, you can start calling me Bobby as well."
"Hey, hey, Bob-by," Dave said in a thick Brooklyn accent from the chair across from him, causing everyone to smile and chuckle.
Bobby smiled as well. He and Dave talked a lot. "Anyway, uh, it's been sixty-six days since...I've been sober for sixty-six days. I think that's the longest I've been without a drink as an adult, since I was eighteen and in boot camp." He heard soft chuckling around the room; everyone there knew what he knew, the truth in a statement like that. "And so far, it hasn't gotten easier; I hope one day it does, but...But yesterday, I saw something that nearly broke me. With uh, with my job," he said, trying to keep it vague because no one beside Cragen of course knew he was a cop, "I see a lot of bad...the worst of humanity, actually, and, uh...it can get to you." Bobby glanced up from staring at the floor. He looked at the other men and women, Cragen included, and nodded, saying, "I was tempted, and I know it'll happen again...either tonight, or tomorrow, next week...That temptation, it's everywhere. And for a man like me, whose dealt with every bad thing in his life with alcohol, it's extremely hard to trust anything else to get me through it. I think, you know, I think that I can't do it, that it's too much, I need a drink...but we all know it's not just one drink. It's a whole bottle." He felt himself smile slightly as he said, "I never thought I would find someone who not only would stick by me through the worst but who would become that source of trust. As long as I have her, I don't need the bottle...I don't want the bottle. And we're going to make it final in two weeks when we get married."
Everyone started clapping and a few guys around him patted him on the back and shoulder.
"Good for you, Bob-by," Dave said, "make it harder for her to leave you."
They all started laughing at that, Bobby included as he rubbed at his chin. "I, um..." he said once the laughter died down. He leaned back in the chair that hurt his back and said, "You all have heard me talk for weeks now, well, once I opened up," he quickly injected, causing a few more laughs.
After he stood up and first announced that he was an alcoholic and needed help, he had remained silent for about the first month before he started talking.
"And you know that I don't have a, uh...a higher power. My faith...it's just not there. I know that, and...and it's part of my struggle, you know, another demon that I have to stare down and overcome. So, I have to find a lot of strength within myself. At least, that's what I thought for a long time. I thought that I'm alone, and no one is going to help me but myself. It's all on me, up to me, and I'm the only one I can count on, right?" he asked as he looked around for confirmation.
There was a lot of nodding around the room as everyone agreed because they all felt the same.
"That pressure, to deal with everything alone, I realized it was all a lie. It was a lie that I've been telling myself my whole life. I'm not sure why I believed it so badly, I'm certain that my family had a hand in it, but I think it was just safe. It kept me feeling safe, and in control, even when I was spinning so far out of control...Drinking more and more, digging my hole deeper. Before all this, before I woke up and got sober, any kind of love I tried to give, or receive, it all felt like a lie too. Almost like I was pretending; I didn't feel like I deserved any of it," he found himself declaring. And that admission hurt because he knew how true it was. "And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to me and it certainly wasn't fair to the woman that I love. Now, I know what I have to do so that my days get easier. So that when I'm tempted, I can beat it. Part of my strength still comes from here," he said as he pointed to himself. "But the rest of my strength comes from her, the woman that'll soon be my wife. You know, she's taught me a lot about myself, but uh, but also about how wrong I was...and if she heard me say that she'll never let me live it down." A few more chuckles interrupted him and he smiled, thinking about Alex. "I know that as long as we're in this together, there's nothing I can't do, no addiction that I can't overcome, no demon I can't defeat. And for that I'm very, very thankful."
Cragen was smiling at him and he gave him a nod of approval. That felt good too as he gave the floor back over to the mediator who asked if anyone else had anything to share.
An hour later, Bobby shook several hands of those who he'd come to befriend through the program. Dave was quickly becoming a friend as he pulled him into a quick hug and patted his back before letting go. "I got season tickets to the Yankees," he told him. "If you and your girl wanna catch a game some time."
"Oh yeah?" Bobby said in gratitude. "That'll be great, man. I'll hit you up with a date."
"Cool, brother," Dave said, clapping his hand and heading out. "See you next week, Bobby."
"Yeah, have a good week, Dave. Call me if you need to talk," he called after him.
Dave gave him a wave and left, heading up the stairs to the street. Bobby turned back and saw the mediator, Scott Carlo, who he'd found out was not only a counselor but also himself a recovering alcoholic. He'd been sober fifteen years.
"Thanks for talking to us tonight, Bobby," Carlo told him as he shook his hand. "I don't know if you've noticed, but a lot of these guys respond extremely well to you. The way you not only talk about yourself and your own struggles, but how you connect with them, it really helps. Some of these guys are so self-absorbed and when they talk, you can tell it's all about them. You're different, and we've all noticed."
Bobby didn't know what to think of that compliment, but he accepted it. "Thanks, glad I can help."
"Have you had training in this type of thing? Counceling or public speaking, maybe?"
He hesitated in answering, but figured there was no harm in answering. "Both, actually. I, uh…for my job, I have to interact with the public and people who've been uh…victimized."
Carlo smiled and nodded. "Well, I just wanted to thank you, and to let you know that you've got some followers," he said in a teasing way. "You can do a lot of good here; you bring hope. And the fact that you've found love, and are getting married, that really lifts everyone up. I've heard too many sad stories about breakups and divorce, of people losing hope in relationships and with finding someone who can love them through this recovery process. Congratulations and I hope you two last."
Bobby smiled as he shook the man's hand again. "So do I, thanks," he told him before leaving the basement, having stayed to make sure everyone left okay. He'd been doing that since he started coming; opting to be the last to leave and offering rides or to walk someone to the bus stop who came alone.
Cragen was waiting for him when he got topside. He was watching a couple of members at the bus stop down the street; they were talking and laughing, feeling good about tonight's meeting. Turning to him, he said, "You were great today."
Bobby nodded as he started down the street, toward the parking garage. Cragen walked with him as they parked next to each other. "Apparently I'm a source of inspiration."
"I could've told you that. You're good at talking with people. You don't only talk about all the reasons why you drink, or used to drink, and all the hardship that comes with it, but about hope for a better tomorrow, and you do it without being phony. You're very sincere about it and people respond to that. I've been doing this for over twenty years and I've got to admit that hearing you talk even helps me."
Bobby glanced over at his Captain and saw that he was telling him the truth. "I've had training. You know, being a profiler, and doing what I do for a living, what we do…I guess I'm able to read the people in that group, and I know what they need to hear. It's the same things that I need to hear."
"Just don't be surprised if you start getting a lot of numbers and phone calls. These people need someone they can trust and talk to, and you're looking like the best candidate for both. You'll make a great sponsor."
Bobby smiled as he nodded. "I'll look forward to it."
They walked the rest of the way in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Getting to their separate cars, Bobby told Cragen to have a good night as he got into his car. Taking out his cell, he saw he already had a few missed calls and several texts from some of the AA members. He responded to the texts and returned the calls before starting his car.
He pulled out of the garage and immediately pulled up to the curb and offered a ride to those standing on the sidewalk smoking. Bobby knew they were replacing one addiction with the other, smoking when they really wanted to drink, and he admitted that he could really go for a smoke too; however, he resisted as he told them if they wanted a ride they couldn't smoke in his car.
Several got in while the remaining group waited for the bus or a ride from someone else. Bobby pulled away as he asked for addresses.
Bobby & Alex's Apartment
He didn't get home until after nine and he saw Alex at the kitchen table munching on a pizza slice. He had called and told her he'd be running late because he was taking some people home. She slid the box over to him as he passed by. Grabbing a slice, he told her, "Be right back," as he took the bag that was in his hand to the little storage/laundry space he had.
Bobby finished eating the slice before emptying out the plastic bag that held a litter box and cat litter, as well as a couple of bowls and cans of cat food. He set it up in the room and then went to let the kitten out of the bathroom. Alex said she feed him but was keeping him in there until he got home. Opening the door, the kitten jumped out and took off down the hall.
He watched as the kitten explored the living room and found the door that lead to the litter box. Going back into the bathroom, he picked up the newspapers and threw them away before washing his hands and taking another allergy pill. Going back into the kitchen, he sat down and picked up another slice of pizza.
"Thought of a name yet?"
Bobby shook his head.
"How'd it go at the meeting?"
"I'm an inspiration," he said as he took a bite of the warm pizza. "I've got several people wanting me to be their sponsor."
Alex smiled and chuckled slightly. Then she got serious and said, "I'm so proud of you. I really am."
Smiling a little, he continued to eat as he thought about the night and the whole day. He got up and grabbed a soda out of the fridge and sat back down. "How'd it go with you and Mike?"
"We're still partners and we made progress in the case. We have photos of a potential suspect but no name yet. We're working it."
"That's good. I uh…I'm thinking about volunteering with Child Protective Services. They have this program that uh, you can go in and you know, tutor kids or take them out to ball games, or put on events, like birthday parties. Just, give your time on weekends to the kids who're in need. What'd you think?"
Alex was staring at him and she gave a nod. "That sounds that a good idea. What brought that on? The case you're working?"
"Yeah, that and…" he trailed off as he tried to explain his reasons. "I want to do it, and I can't change unless I start making changes to my life. I've been doing that, and this is another way for me to commit myself to uh, to my recovery, but at the same time, giving back. It's not only part of AA, but, since I've been remembering more and more, and trying to find ways to take control over my life, I've been questioning a lot of my past actions, and how I used to deal with everything. I've been also questioning my own happiness. Whether or not I'm satisfied and happy with not only where I'm at in my personal life but professional life as well. I think I really want to do this; it'd make me happy. So, this Saturday I'm going to go and see what I can do."
Alex had sat her pizza down as she listened to what he'd told her. She had a smile on her face and tears in her eyes. Getting up, she came over to him and hugged him while sitting down on his lap. He held her as she kissed him. "You're surprising me more every day, Bobby. You're really taking this seriously and putting yourself into it. I just, I never thought…"
Bobby sat his food down as he said, "When I decided to go to AA, and to admit that I needed help, I told myself that in order to do that, and make a full recovery, I had to be willing to accept the help presented to me. I have to open myself up to receive the goodness that's out there. All I used to see was the dark. The evil that men could do and worry about the evil that resided within myself…About all my faults and what I wasn't good at and what I couldn't change or was afraid to change. I'm not just going to talk the talk. I'm not like my brother. He talked program, but he didn't live by it. I'm living by it. And it's all thanks to you."
"Me?" she asked, surprised.
He leaned into her and kissed her, telling her, "It's because of you that I'm willing to even try. If you didn't love me, if you never stuck by me, I'd have no reason to change. You're my biggest inspiration, Alex. Captain Cragen may be my sponsor, but you're my support, my backbone. You make me want to get better."
She was softly crying now, and he knew it wasn't from sadness but happiness. Alex kissed him harder, and held him tighter, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him to her. Moments later, after kiss tortured his mouth with her wonderful tongue, she got off his lap much to his dismay, and let him finish eating while she took another slice and sat down.
He could tell that she wanted to talk about something else. She got a certain look in her eyes and she would occasionally glance his way. After a couple minutes of that little routine, he asked, "What is it?"
Alex finished her last slice, leaving one in the box for him to have, and took a sip of her own soda. She looked a little worried, and nervous, and unsure of his response. She took a breath and told him, "Bobby, during the follow-up investigation of the Nicole Wallace case, we discovered something. It could be nothing, we're not sure."
Bobby stared at her for a long moment and then nodded, saying, "What did you find?"
She was hesitate again but looked up at him as she said, "We might have a name of a man who might, or might not be your biological father."
He stilled as he sucked in a breath of air. Bobby felt his head start to ache a little as he tried to steady his breathing. He closed his eyes and said, "You have a-a, uh, a name?"
"Yes, we do," she told him again. "Listen, the reason I haven't told you yet is because I know you said that you didn't want to know. Respecting your wishes, we've been sitting on it, partly to find out if there was any merit to the claim before springing it on you."
He nodded as he said, "Now you have evidence or…?"
Alex shook her head, telling him, "No, we're still unsure if it's true or not. The only way to know is to perform a DNA test. His DNA is on file, so is yours. It'll be simple to just run a comparison. However, we can't do that unless it's either during the course of an investigation or with your permission. Right now, we have neither."
Bobby thought about it as he stared at the table. Did he want to know? Did it matter? He knew it didn't, and that it wouldn't change anything. William Goren raised him, and for all he cared, he was his father. His biological father did nothing except have sex with his mother, while she was married, and conceived him. That was it. So, did he want to know who seduced his mother? Who helped her commit adultery, and in turn created him? It was weird to think that if his mother hadn't had been with this other man, that maybe he would have never been born.
Then something she said registered in his head. His father's DNA was on file. It was in the system, meaning he was probably a criminal. Bobby didn't know what to think of that. "I'm going to need to think about it. I'm not sure what I want right now. I need, uh…time to consider it."
Alex let out a sigh of relief as she nodded and said, "Of course."
He saw the relief in her entire demeanor and realized that this had been hanging on her for a while. Bobby smiled as he said, "You were thinking the worst. You thought if you told me, I would flip out." When he saw the look in her eyes, he felt the pain in his chest. "I'm not…Alex, I'm not going to collapse over this. I will not go back to being the way I was. And, I'm not some infantile who needs to be shielded from the world."
She huffed out a laugh and said, "Logan told me the same this morning. He said that you're a grown man and not a child, and that you're not delicate. That you didn't need to be handled with kiddie gloves."
"And he's right. Look at me, Alex, if I can't accept this without going insane and going back to the bottle, then I'm not a pretty sane person to begin with. But I am a sane person. This is just something that happened before I was even born. It's something that's between my mother and whoever this man is, not with me. It's not going to change who I am. I'm forty-three years old…I think I know how to handle the worst that life can throw at me." Bobby stared at her as he thought that maybe she didn't have as much hope in himself that he had. Leaning back in the chair, he asked, "You thought I would go right back to drinking again, didn't you?"
"I didn't know what to think," she honestly told him.
He shook his head in disappointment as he said, "I can't do this without you, Alex. If I don't have your absolute trust, and faith, in my abilities to grow and to get better, than-"
"I do," she stressed. "I think I'm just so used to how you used to be that it's hard to accept who you are now. I'm working on it, and hearing you say things like what you just told me tonight, it helps. I don't have to guess about your state of mind or how you're recovering, I know now how much you've improved. You do have my trust, Bobby, and all the faith I have in the world that you're going to succeed. I love you. I wouldn't love you or agree to marry you if I thought, or had any doubts, that you weren't the man I want to be with for the rest of my life."
Bobby relaxed and felt his heart pound and soar with love and hope as she told him that. It reassured him that she didn't doubt him, and it made it easier to get past this. Maybe he could know the name of the man and be okay with it. He wasn't going to ask yet, but when he was completely ready, he would ask. "So, is there anything else, uh, that I need to know or is that it?"
Alex sat quiet for a moment and he immediately knew there was. If there was nothing, she would've shook her head or told him so. Her hesitation was what nearly sent him off. Bobby had just heard her words, telling him that she had trust in him, yet she was still apprehensive about telling him something.
He felt his jaw tighten and twitch at the thought that she was lying to him; he didn't want to feel that way, or think those thoughts, but she was still afraid. "Alex, I thought…you just said you have faith in me, so why are you still so afraid to trust me. Why is it so hard for you to tell me what it is-"
"I'm pregnant."
He stopped talking as he stared over at her. He went to speak but couldn't. Bobby sat back and let it register in his head what she'd just told him, because he obviously either didn't hear her right or he was in shock… "You…We're…How?" he said as he shook his head. "I mean…" he tried to think but it wasn't really working. "You're pregnant?"
"Yeah. I took a test and it was positive so I went to the doctor to get it verified. She thinks that it just happen a couple of weeks ago. I was worried because I had drank a lot on Saturday but she did tests and said not to worry, that a lot of women get pregnant and not know it and drink. Bobby, are you sure you're okay?"
He took in a breath of air and let it out slowly; then, Bobby said, "We're going to have to move. This is too small…Your place in Rockaway has three rooms."
Alex bit her bottom lip as she smiled and then started laughing. "You're okay?"
"I guess," he said as he started to shake a little. "I'm not…angry, just, scared and…oh, God, Alex," he said as he shut his eyes and felt his head ache, "we're going to be parents."
Alex got up and hugged him. He was trembling against her as she held him. "I thought you were going to hit the roof."
Bobby still felt like he was in a fog. It probably hadn't fully hit him yet. His head ached and his heart was pounding. "That was completely unexpected."
"It usually is."
"And the doctor said you were fine? That it just happened?" he asked because he wasn't sure if she really said those things. It was hard to concentrate.
"Yes, I'm pretty fine, so is the little thing growing in me."
Bobby shook his head in confusion as he said, "You're on the pill."
"It's not one hundred percent full-proof. There's always that one percent chance. My doctor thinks that it was due to the antibiotics I was on last month. She said that antibiotics have been linked to lowering the effectiveness of…Bobby?"
He felt his body start to shake nearly uncontrollably. Reaching up, he held his head in his hands as he tried to stop the array of emotions that was bombarding him. It felt like he was seconds away from having a heart attack or…
He couldn't stop the tears as they fell from his eyes as his chest trembled.
Alex wrapped her arms around him and asked in a panic, "Are you okay? Bobby?"
He nodded as he stopped trying to keep the emotions at bay and let them loose. Burying his head into her chest, he clung to her as he wept. He didn't know if it was from happiness or sorrow, but either way it felt good to finally let it go.
She held him until he finally stopped, as he his chest eased and it was easier to breathe. As he relaxed into her, he heard her ask, "What'd you think?"
Bobby took a breath as he said, "I think my mother just might actually approve of us getting married."
Alex chuckled as she said, "Are you going to be okay?"
He nodded into her chest, still unable and unwilling to let her go.
She rubbed at his back, his neck, and kissed him. Then she asked, "Are you happy?"
Bobby took a moment to fully determine his feelings. He thought about it long and hard, and finally, he said, "I think, yeah…I'm very, very happy. Scared shitless, but happy." He sat back and looked at her, and asked, "Why did you decide to take the test if you didn't know?"
She smiled and said, "Logan made a comment about me being pregnant because I was eating a lot. I couldn't get it out of my head until I reassured myself that I wasn't. I was wrong."
Shaking his head, he leaned against her, resting his head on hers, and asked, "Are you happy?"
She lifted his head and kissed him hard. Pulling back, she said, "Yes, and I'm scared too. Terrified, actually. We've got a lot to think about and to discuss."
He finally felt himself smile as he said, "We've already been through some of it before, when we had our first baby scare. I know that you were worried if we could last as a couple if we became parents. And now?"
"Now? Bobby, we're getting married and I have no doubt that we'll last. We're stronger now than we ever were before." He gave a nod as she slid off his lap; taking his hand in hers, she said, "I'm ready for bed."
Bobby got up with her help and held onto her waist as he followed behind her to the bedroom. He still couldn't believe what was happening, but that didn't stop him from letting Alex have her wicked way with him.
They didn't get much sleep that night either, but this time it wasn't from lack of trying.
A few hours later as he stared up at the ceiling with Alex nestled against his chest, and feeling the weight of the kitten at the foot of the bed, he said, "I can't believe I'm going to be father."
Alex rubbed over his chest and arm as she said, "You're going to be a great father, Bobby."
He pulled her closer, holding her tight, as he thought that maybe she was right. It took him a long time to finally close his eyes and sleep.
TBC…
Holy heck, Alex is pregnant. I'm breaking all my rules with this one. Marriage, a kid…a freaking cat, what the heck's wrong with me? I just started writing and let the natural progression of these characters and their lives take shape. I figured since I was letting Bobby move forward and grow beyond how I had written him before, very damaged and unwilling to change, than that meant I had to let his life grow and change as well. This just seemed right and natural, and so that's how I wrote it.
And for those waiting on an update to 'Dogs of War', I'm working on it! Give me time. These three chapters were just begging for me to write them and I had to get it out.