WELL. THAT WAS INTERESTING.
OH, NOTHING. I JUST PICKED UP ON SOME STRANGE ACTIVITY OVER THERE VERY EARLY THIS MORNING. HE MUST HAVE BEEN HARD AT WORK. IF I WERE IN ANY POSITION TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT I MIGHT WORRY, BUT AS FAR AS I CAN TELL THINGS ARE...LET'S JUST SAY NO LESS UNSTABLE THAN THEY WERE BEFORE. I GUESS HE'S JUST PLAYING AROUND.
AT ANY RATE, I SUPPOSE ANY CONSEQUENCES WILL BE YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
OF COURSE I'LL NOTIFY YOU IF I THINK ANYTHING'S A MAJOR RISK. NO WINDOWS OF OPPORTUNITY YET FROM WHAT I CAN TELL. AT LEAST HE'S GOOD AT PLUGGING SECURITY HOLES. I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT.
IN THE MEANTIME MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO FOR A RUN BEFORE WORK. YOU COULD USE THE EXERCISE._
Gem was starting to wonder just what it was Wheatley was testing about her.
Could it be her reaction times? He had a habit of calling her slow (and occasionally fat, an insult that made no sense considering he'd designed her body) and mocking her speed record. But frankly if he'd found weaknesses in her body, he should have pulled her out and started work on fixing them at this point. Where was his efficiency?
She was beginning to think it had to do with her programmed personality, something she herself was still exploring. He must have been putting her in a stress-inducing situation to see how she handled it.
Not that she found the tests particularly stressful. Certainly they were dangerous and often poorly-designed, with turrets placed haphazardly and frequently malfunctioning. There was one right now stuck in a corner and facing the wall. What had he even placed it there to do?
And at the same time she found it relaxing in a sense. She had something to concentrate on and a goal to work towards, and that felt right. As much as she wanted to know what her goal was, or more about her mysterious and oddly tyrannical creator, she had to admit she enjoyed the tests. Perhaps if she did enough and earned his respect, he'd accept some feedback on how to design them to be a bit more...elegant.
No, she was quite certain the 'stress tolerance' angle came from the partner she'd given him for Cooperative Testing.
"So." The green-eyed robot narrowed his eyelids in what she assumed was supposed to be a come-hither look. "Did hurt? You know, when you fell from Android Heaven?"
"Oh, she is going to hate that! Isn't she?" Wheatley realized he was giggling and stopped himself, though why he worried about his dignity in front of a turret he couldn't imagine. "I mean, so her record is...phenomenal. Bloody phenomenal. I don't know what I expected, but there we go. Can't seem to stump her with a single chamber. She doesn't even get frustrated like Chell used to. Frankly doesn't even look at me, which is...technically proper testing subject protocol according to the manual. Shouldn't complain about that. But I want her to feel small! I want her to feel helpless."
"Which, you know, this may not do," he added on reflection. "Probably not, to be honest. I am going to have to throw scarier threats at her if I want her to know what that's like. But at least this ought to frustrate her! Ought to really tick her off, yeah?" He laughed again.
"We love you, Master Wheatley!" The turret spoke again in its usual soprano.
"Ah, yes! That's good to hear. I can't believe you lot had an 'Unconditional Love' switch in your programming! Well no, I can believe that. We have some truly baffling programming decisions stuck in us, I can tell you that much. Besides, probably left over from when you were meant to guard infants. What I can't comprehend is why it was ever turned off." He nodded down affectionately at the little turret. "Didn't she ever want to be adored once in a while?"
"We love you, Master Wheatley!"
"Aw, that's adorable. Anyway, not sure why I'm telling you this...but at any rate. Thought I'd do something to slow her down." He couldn't help but let a little venom slip at that last bit. "See, Adventure Sphere's not exactly the worst-rated test subject. That dubious honor goes to…"
"Space Core Destroyed! Confirm auto-reconstruct and re-download?"
Wheatley rolled his optic. "Yes, yes. Go ahead. Really ought to just archive him, but I can't bring myself to do it to the little guy. He's got a dream! Wants to go to space and do whatever it is you do up in space. Very endearing and inspiring, and he doesn't give up or get discouraged no matter how many times I have to fix him. A proper champion about the whole thing. Never gonna come true," he added with a shake of his core. "He's never actually going to space. But you know, still inspiring. I followed my dream and here I am! But Rick, he's a hotshot. Completely unpredictable. That will drive her batty! Absolutely batty." He snorted. "Let her deal with it for once."
"We love you, Master Wheatley! Would you like a sacrifice?"
"...Uh, pardon? What was that last bit?" He blinked down at the turret.
"We love you!"
"...Aww. That's so cute." He chuckled gently. "And here she was accusing me of not testing anything. I do lots of science here! Lots of...what...kind of science DO we do around here?" He trailed off.
"Well, that is a bit of a criticism of Her old management style, isn't it? Lots of testing but no real products. Don't think I haven't noticed. I'm not even sure why we don't market the Portal gun! Sell it to the military or something and get enough funding to make, oh, the Five Portal Device or something. Progress! Progress is science, right? Or at least closely related. Like vanilla and strawberry, whatever those are. I mean...not that I would ever do anything because of her egging me on. It's entirely my idea. But I don't see why we can't, oh, come up with new things? Especially since the testing certainly isn't giving me any euphoria lately." He shuddered. "Yes, complete coincidence. Just happened to be thinking that. Like, for instance, you lot…"
He peered down at the turret which gazed at him with as much adoration as it could muster when it had one tiny optic and could not physically emote. Honestly, it couldn't move at all.
"Well, that's a bit silly, isn't it? I'd think you lot would need to move around when you're firing at targets or...you know, protecting babies. What say you hold still aaaand…"
A claw reached out to grab the turret, picking it up and dragging it into the hole that opened up in the floor beneath him. "Okay," he added. "This might hurt, a lot, but I just want you to know I'm only using you as a guinea pig because you're my favorite, Turret...what's your serial number. 99904-B3-oh whatever."
"We love you! We lo-AAAUUUGH!"
The Aperture Science Adventure Sphere, or 'Rick' as he called himself, did not seem to believe in self-preservation, proper test protocol, or cooperation that did not involve portal construction designed specifically to, in his words, "put some danger into this cakewalk." She'd had to save him from falling several times, mostly under the assumption that letting him be destroyed would constitute an unsatisfactory test score.
All that would have been fine if he wasn't so…
"You want me. Admit it." He wiggled his handles in a matter meant to be seductive, she was sure.
She stared at him as they landed on a platform, narrowly dodging the sights of several turrets chirping their usual nonsense. "Look. I can't actually silence you because we're presumably of the same rank and build, but I will accept a lower score for cooperation if you don't keep this up. -Did that turret just say it loved us?" She did a double-take at the offender, which had fallen quiet.
Rick just shrugged and set his hands on what would have been his hips. "What can I say? Everyone wants a piece of ol' Rick. Though I gotta admit, bit of a dearth of the ladyfolk here lately. Too many dudes on the testing floor, if you ask me."
"We're robots. We only think we're male and female because of programming. It doesn't matter. And besides, you probably scared them off with your...you-ness."
"I'm bein' pro-equality here! I mean, there's ol' P-body who I think is supposed to be female, but she's all over Atlas. Likes 'em quiet. And a gentleman's code forbids stealin' another man's lady." He pantomimed polishing his fingernails on his chest, despite not having any. "Say, why don't you go take a little lady-break and let ol' Rick finish the test for us? Then we can relax, maybe get to know each other better…"
Gem simulated a deep breath, more out of a strange habit than actual stress-relief. "Perhaps it was unclear what I was threatening before. I will shove you into this pit of electrified fluid if you do not stop that immediately. And then I'll-"
A wave of static overtook her thoughts and her vision together, as that other program started to exert its presence again. Choppy thoughts which were not hers broke in. Here? Danger? danger? self-preserve? She felt her body twitch and her light flicker before it smoothed out again.
"Whoa! Uh, you alright there, darlin'? Seriously, you startin' to swoon or something?" Rick almost sounded genuinely concerned, which was somehow more unpleasant. She didn't like sympathy coming from someone she disliked.
"I'm fine," she insisted in a flat tone. "It isn't a problem you can straighten out, and one I doubt he's going to unless he's doing this on purpose. I wasn't kidding about threatening to shove you into the fluid, by the way. That was not part of my short-circuit."
Rick's optic narrowed for a moment. "Jeez, lady! Not much for the gentleman act, eh? Though I gotta admit, you're still the best co-op partner I've ever had. Like you know these tests in and out. Nothing like the team up between a pro and a hotshot! You know, me being the pro and all. Since you're pretty new, you gotta be the hotshot. Just how it works."
"How am I in any way-"
Rick wasn't listening, jumping off onto a landing point, with Gem having no choice but to follow. "Better than ol' Factoid," he continued with a hint of displeasure. "Guy never shuts up. The whole bunch of 'em. Sitting in that Whatever-Core Storage Chamber was the most boring adventure I've ever had. One long forced vacation in East Nevershutsupville, Indiana. But man, your voice! LIke digitized silk. Swear I must have heard it before, maybe…" He swiveled his optic back to her. "In my dreams?"
Yes, Wheatley was definitely testing her patience or tolerance for whatever it was Rick was doing. After this she at least deserved a faster body as a reward, and hopefully a defragmentation of her hard drive. On the other hand, she was learning she was quite capable of working with someone she disliked greatly. So she had that. "It is impossible," she informed him with as little concealed contempt as she could manage, "for me to have known you before. A, you're disgusting and I don't associate with disgusting people. And B, I have been active for less than 48 hours."
"That's it!" Rick snapped, the first thing he'd done that had impressed Gem. She didn't know their fingers could do that. "Must be a recycled voice."
"Pardon?"
"See, they're not gonna record new voices for every one of us. Would be a waste of time, and a pain in the butt considering the whole 'no humans remaining in Aperture' thing. So they'll pick from a prerecorded voice pattern, maybe stick on an accent and be done with it. You imagine how annoying those turrets would be if they all had different voices?"
Gem was quiet, though not because she was impressed. This was the first time anyone had told her anything extensive at all about Aperture's workings and policies. It was a small detail, but it was something. Besides, Rick had inadvertently revealed there had once been humans at this facility. That was of note, if rather mysterious. "...Interesting."
"Ohhh, so you like me gettin' all nerdy? Not my style, but I can be flexible." Rick winked at her, and she shuddered.
"No, I like figuring out more about this place so I can survive longer under Him." She made sure Wheatley was not watching, though the fact that he apparently wasn't closely monitoring the test and commenting on it was odd. He'd done so during the first few dozen tests, and then seemed to lose interest, saying in a frustrated tone that he'd just watch the footage later.
Rick raised a handle. "Big Blue givin' you the runaround?"
"I don't understand him." She hated confiding in Rick, of all people, but he was there and at least nominally more intelligent than a turret.
"He's a doofus, but he's the boss. What can I say?" That earned a shrug from Rick. "I think he's just under stress now that the novelty's worn off."
"...Novelty?" That was not a word she had associated with a run-down, creaky facility like this one.
"Novelty. First few months he was happy as a shark at a tuna convention. Only blew things up on occasion. Caught him singing a few times actually! We kinda got buddy-buddy for a while because I figured I don't really wanna piss off the big boss, you hear me?" He spoke in a hushed, conspiratorial tone, perhaps sensing as she did that Wheatley might still be listening in. "Then, I dunno. Somethin' stuck in his big fat craw and he started getting all moody and defensive. I invited him along on a grand adventure, figured we'd go find the Pyramids in Hawaii and do some bro-bonding, but he wasn't having it. Gotta admit I don't understand what goes through his head anymore. Me?" He thumbed at himself. "I ain't a boss type. Too static. Gotta be on the move, feel danger in my-"
"Hold it." Gem narrowed her own optic, grabbing Rick to make him face her before he went off on another tangent. "So he is not the original CEO of Aperture Laboratories? Is this what you're telling me?"
aperture? Aper? ture. Interference aside, that other internal voice was getting on her nerves. At this rate she'd have to delete it herself once she'd isolated the source.
"What, him? Naah. Someone else was in charge for a while, though I...gotta admit, I don't remember much. Too busy having adventures in the Core Storage Unit. Great ones. Couldn't really pay attention or, you know, see anything. Couldn't hear much aside from 'I want to go to space!' and 'Fact: Geeky crap nobody cares about!' That sorta thing." For a second Rick almost looked a bit sad, lowering his eye, before sharpening his body language again and peering at one of the red cameras watching them.
Gem noticed it as well. Of course. Even if he wasn't an active audience, Wheatley was still watching. Presumably, she assumed, for whatever psychological test he was putting her through. If that was still the case...
"...Interesting." That was all she'd allow herself to was all another piece of a puzzle, and a suspicious one at that. Wheatley had presented himself as the one who had created Aperture, though he'd never outright said it. He'd certainly not given the impression of being a recent graduate into the role. Who had run this place before? Had it been the humans? What had happened to them?
She deserved answers, didn't she? If Wheatley was going to treat her like a toy and possibly forget about her when, as Rick had put it, the novelty wore off, she needed to know more.
"Hey! We did it!" Rick pushed the button that would open the elevator door behind the Emancipation Grill, and made a fist into the air. "Can't wait to see the look on Blue's face when we-ohh heeeey, Blue!" Indeed, Wheatley had appeared on several large monitors, looming over them. "How's it going? How's the weather up there?" He stage-whispered, as if Gem couldn't obviously hear him. "Nice partner choice by the way, ol' pal. She totally digs me."
Wheatley just nodded, though his voice didn't reflect any particular reaction to the obvious lie. There were sounds of machinery going on around him, along with the occasional muffled, high-pitched turret voice. "Ah, lovely! Good, good. And great cooperation. You two did...well! You did well. I was a bit busy working on all of this important science we do here but I was indeed watching even if I didn't say anything. But um, I did notice some fraternization? I couldn't help but notice you two were talking. Not sure what you said admittedly because the sound is a bit on the fritz here, but you were talking! On the job." He narrowed his lids, glaring down at the both of them. "You weren't talking about me, were you?"
Gem felt herself tense up, but remained calm. Reacting further would confirm his suspicions, and she didn't want to feed his paranoia. "He was hitting on me. A lot. You need to reeducate him on Aperture's harassment policy."
"...Oh. Yes, of course. Better do that. Certainly don't tolerate that sort of thing." Two panels on either sides of the chamber spun around to reveal heavy spiked plates. Both of them slammed into Rick from either side without warning, causing Gem to jump back in surprise and Rick to utter a series of obscenities in between impacts.
"OH COME ON! CAN'T YOU JUST-" Wham! "Ain't this kinda-" Wham! "I thought we were buddies, Blue!" After the last mashing his core body lay still, completely wrecked, as a claw dragged him away. Gem assumed he would just be re-downloaded into a rebuilt body just like the other testing robots were when they were destroyed, but she still never imagined she'd feel sorry for him. She didn't feel guilty exactly, but certainly expected something more like a video and less like demolition.
Another good reason not to get in His way, she noted to herself, no matter how chipper or ditzy he could come across. There was nothing particularly cheerful in his gaze as he swept the broken Adventure Sphere away, looking down at her with an eye that seemed to dart back and forth.
"I know you, a lowly testing robot, wouldn't gossip about me, or plot against me, or anything that might be taken as, you know. Sedition against the leader…"
"We weren't committing sedition. He was just-" She stopped as another burst of static interfered with her processes, letting it pass. If Wheatley saw it, he didn't comment, but the discomfort and unease left her feeling a bit more confrontational. "Rick told me there used to be humans here."
Wheatley paused, panels flaring out for a second. "Did...he? Well, he tells a lot of lies. Puff himself up for the ladies especially. Why would there be humans here? What would we even DO with them? I mean I suppose if you go back far enough humans had to have built the initial robots. Technically they built me. But I built you! And really,really, who cares about a bunch of humans? They're all dead."
His body language suggested nervousness. He wouldn't look her directly in the eye. Something was just off altogether. If he was lying to her…
Something flared in her, hot and furious. Was he just playing with her like one of his toys? Was this whole thing to make her do what he wanted to, for whatever complex reason?
"I think…I think you're l-"
A wave of static overtook her functions and clouded her vision as another flood of not-her thoughts filled her. There was something in there with her, whispering something to her mind. DON'T! BAD! Bad? Hush...hear. Hear me? Can...anyone hear me?! Why am I here?! It was more vivid now, and she couldn't answer back to it.
Then it was gone, as quickly as it had come. So her data was still corrupt, and worsening. That was good to know.
"...I'm fine, not that you asked," she added to the staring Wheatley. "I'm ready for the next test now."
She composed her thoughts. Before she confronted anything about Him, she'd have to figure herself out. And that meant digging through whatever this other...thing was and doing whatever it took to stabilize herself, as she couldn't expect Wheatley to do it.
Hey, you. Whatever you are. She attempted communication with It, as she decided to label it. The other program trying to force its way in there, if her calculations were correct. If you can hear me? I want you out.
You can hear me?!
Well. That was new.