"Walking down 29th and Park
I saw you in another's arms
Only a month we've been apart
You look happier
Saw you walk inside a bar
He said something to make you laugh
I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours
Yeah, you look happier, you do
Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you
But ain't nobody love you like I do
Promise that I will not take it personal, baby
If you're moving on with someone new
'Cause baby you look happier, you do
My friends told me one day I'll feel it too
And until then I'll smile to hide the truth
But I know I was happier with you"
- Happier by Ed Sheeran
As I make my way towards Killian's house, I realize how much more nervous I get, while I get closer to him. My hands are shaking terribly. But I can't turn back right now – no matter how terrified I am. I need closure and I owe him an explanation for leaving without a goodbye all these years ago. He deserves that.
I hope he still lives in his old house because otherwise I'm screwed, and all this fear was for nothing. I refuse to call Ruby to ask for his address since she'd only ask more questions then – questions I'm not ready to answer.
When I do arrive, I realize, that I'm at the right house. He's there on the small terrace. But as I probably should've thought of before, he's not alone. How could I have been so stupid. He did buy food and drinks for two people at Granny's.
Now I have no idea, whether I should go talk to him or not. I leave tomorrow, so this really is my only chance, but I'm not in the mood to meet my replacement either. Also, she'd be the last person, that should hear our conversation. I haven't even told my best friend, so I sure as hell won't talk to Killian about it in the presence of a stranger.
As I keep awkwardly standing on the other side of the street, debating whether I should just leave or not, I decide that I can't just run away from my fears again. I did that, when I left Killian and there hasn't been a moment, that I didn't regret that decision. Being with him has been the best thing, that's ever happened to me and I just threw it away like trash because I was too afraid.
I must be brave today. I can't make the same mistakes again.
So I start to approach the house, until I hear both of them laugh. After that Killian puts his arm around her and kisses her passionately. In that moment I feel like my heart is literally breaking into a thousand pieces and I start to realize once again, that Ruby was right all along. I never moved on and I doubt I'll ever will, so I should just leave now and spare me the pain of watching them being happy.
I can't handle seeing him so happy, which makes me hate myself. I was the one that left. I tore out his heart and stomped all over it, so I really can't blame him for finding happiness without me. I should be happy for him right now. He really does deserve this since he never did anything wrong during our relationship. He really was the best boyfriend anyone could hope for. He's perfect.
I'm about to turn away and leave, when Killian catches my attention once more. He's now in front of Milah. He's on one knee and holds out a ring, whose sparkles you can even see here. I swore to myself, that I wouldn't cry tonight. But I can't hold that promise. Not when I have to watch him propose to someone else. Not when a few years ago that was us. It's just too much for me to handle since it sends me right down memory lane.
It was a nice and warm Saturday evening. Killian and I were on his ship, the Jolly Rodger, and we were having a picnic to celebrate our graduation – or so I thought.
One moment Killian and I were watching the ocean and the beautiful sundown, and a moment later Killian was on one knee, smiling brightly at me.
Killian: "Emma Swan, you are the most special person in my life and I couldn't be happier, that I get the chance to love you every single day. When my brother died, I thought I'd never be happy again and that from now on I'd be all alone. But you never let that happen. You showed me, that I indeed wasn't alone, nor was I unlovable or in any way to blame for my brother's death. Somehow you are my Savior and there isn't any other person, I'd want in my life 24/7. So, Emma Swan, what do you say? Will you marry me?"
He pulled out the most amazing ring, I've ever seen. It suited me so well because it was pretty simple, but had a beautiful, brightly shining diamond on top of it. I loved simple things and Killian knew that too.
Also, everything he said was almost making me cry because it was so beautiful, which made saying no the hardest thing in the world. But I just can't marry him. Not yet. It's all too fast. Also when he brought up Liam, I was once again reminded how everybody leaves. No one ever sticks around, even if they do truly love me like Killian loves me.
So, it was in that moment, that I realized I couldn't stay in Storybrooke. I have to leave as soon as possible because leaving Killian before he can leave me, is going to be far easier in the end. I won't be that heartbroken this way. It's all for the better – even for Killian. I'll always be this broken little girl, who thinks she doesn't matter to anyone and gets scared when someone actually cares. I'm unfixable and he deserves better. He deserves someone who can love him without any walls up – someone who wouldn't reject his proposal.
As it turned out, leaving really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. It made me just as miserable as I would've been, if he left me back then. I'll always regret, that I left and never came back. We could've had what these two have right now. I could've made him as happy as she makes him by accepting his proposal. But I guess now we've run out of time…