Chapter Three
Meanwhile, back at the Organization XIII campsite, almost everybody was up to something across the street in the mini-mall of Sin. Only those of pure-heart and/or Fake-Ids and/or lecherous intentions remained.
"Did I ever tell you about the time King Mickey—" Sora started to say, his blank little eyes filled with rapture.
"If it involved friendship, and cooperation, then yes," said Axel tersely, roasting a marshmallow over the campfire. He looked up, and smiled gently. "Say, little buddy, it's getting chilly out here. There's room in my trench-coat for two, you know."
"Really?" said Kairi, stepping into the campfire light. "Doesn't seem like there's room enough in there for one!" She sat down beside Sora, opposite Axel, and smiled at the clown triumphantly. Axel's marshmallow burst spontaneously into/exploded violently/white hot flame.
"Oh, Sora, it's pretty chilly!" Kairi said, leaning against the tousle-haired boy while smirking at Axel. He ground his teeth together, and popped another marshmallow onto his skewer, staring at Kairi meaningfully. Kairi's smile grew wider.
"If you're cold, Kairi, you should get into Mr. Axel's trenchcoat!" chirped Sora.
Kairi shuddered, a long shudder proceeding slowly from head to toe. "I bet it smells like wet dog in there," she said.
The bag of marshmallows beside Axel exploded in a geyser of molten sugar, splattering its surroundings. "Au contraire," Axel said. "That dog is getting mighty dry, if you know what I mean?"
"Oh, I do," said Kairi, serendipitously pulled Sora closer to her and further away from clown.
"Got any more marshmallows?" asked Sora innocently.
Axel picked a gobbet off his cheek. "Think we ate all the new ones. The ones we have left are old. You don't want old marshmallows." Held out one for example.
"Where'd you get that?" said Kairi. "You don't have pockets."
"I—found it in front of the outhouse," he said, skewering the leathery thing. "My point is that, once they get old, they're no longer so soft and sweet and perfect. When they're young—I mean, fresh—" Kairi looked at him as he shoved his stick into the leathery marshmallow with a disturbing and inept enthusiasm. "—They have such a thin delicate skin. It's so easy to overcook them. To ruin them. To make them into inedible garbage." He began to toast his marshmallow, bobbing it delicately well above the flames.
Kairi held Sora tighter. "It's such a delicate operation," Axel said. "You have to hold them close enough to get them soft and liquid inside, and yet far enough away that they don't—VIOLENTLY COMBUST!"
Kairi squeaked tinily, squeezing Sora so tight that his adorably large eyes bugged out like a dog's chew-toy.
"But it's even worse when they're ollllld." Sora nodded, wide-eyed, utterly incomprehending. "They're leathery. No matter how much you cook 'em, they'll never taste as sweet as they could have." Jabbing marshmallow... violently into the flames and then pulling it back." "So you try and you try to get them to be edible, just edible, and then before you know it, FWOOMP! It's on fire! You've killed him!"
Kairi shrieked. The marshmallow ignited. Sora smiled and nodded.
Axel smiled. "Do you get what I'm saying here?"
"Y-y-es," said Kairi, her scrawny form flung defensively over Sora. "You're saying we should call our parents!"
Axel laughed gently, whapping his burning marshmallow against the toe of his boot. "In the S'mores of life, Kairi, some of us are marshmallows." He pointed at Sora. "Some of us are chocolate." He pointed at himself. "And some of us are the nasty, gritty, horrible, ugly graham crackers that constrain and hold back the sweet intermingling of chocolate and marshmallow over the searing fires of true happiness!"
"Yeeaaaaaahh," Kairi said. "Dooooes this campground have a payphone?"
"Not a working one. Anymore," said Axel, eyes glittering brightly.
Kairi swalloed. "Gee, Sora, is your sleeping bag big enough for, say, two non-adults?"
Sora blushed. "Gosh, Kairi, are you trying to seduce me?"
Kairi boggled. "I—yes! Totally! You and me, together, in—that way you just said," she said, nodding frantically. "Oooh baby. So, why don't me and you and no clowns retire to your clown-proof tent and—"
"Gawrsh, Kairi, that's uncharacteristically forward of you!" said a voice from the darkness.
Kairi stared into the woods, wide-eyed and tongue-tied. Sora smiled cheerfully. Axel seemed oblivious, tearing off the blackened skin of his leathery treat. "What—who—did you hear that?" she whispered to Sora.
"Yes? Of course! It's Goofy! And Donald! And Sora! No, Sora isn't there. Sora's me! I'm here!" He beamed.
"You see what I mean?" said Goofy, stepping into the light from the campfire. He make circley motions around his temple with one oversized begloved hand. "Li'l buddy here is a few marshmallows short of a S'more!"
Kairi shrieked, as the peculiar dog-thing stepped towards her.
"Aw, shucks, you don't remember me?" Goofy said. "That happens a lot!"
The duck appeared out of the darkness more cautiousy, one eye fixed on the clown, who had managed to find an edible liquid center in his horrible treat. It dangled white and limp from the tip of his gloved finger.
"Hi Goofy!" said Sora, waving cheerfully. "What's up!"
Axel sucked his finger thoughtfully.
"Uhhh," Goofy sighed. "Gawrsh. It's a long story, spanning several dimensions, with several abstract concepts—gawrsh! Kairi!"
Kairi shrieked. Neither Sora nor Axel flinched.
"Hey, Kairi, does li'l buddy here understand when you explain things to him?" Goofy asked.
"He does if I use short words and keep my boobies front and center," she said frankly.
"Works for me!" Goofy said. "I wasn't gonna say anything, but—wait, how old are you kids now?"
"Nowhere neaaaaaaaar legal," Kairi said.
"What was that?" Axel asked, looking up at her suspiciously
"I wasn't talking to you, clown," she said coldly.
"I'll always think of you as little children—" said Goofy.
Kairi glared at Axel, who was obliviously stabbing his sugar-coated stick into the fire.
"But I understand that everybody gets—well—less young!"
"Yes, everybody gets older," Kairi said dryly.
"Not me!" said Axel. "I swapped eternal soul for eternal youth!"
They ignored him. Goofy sighed. "I need you to tell our li'l pal here—"
Sora waved happily.
"—that his most beloved regent—"
Sora looked puzzled.
"—King Em Eye See Kay Ee Why—"
"SEE YOU SOON!" screeched Sora.
"—has dragged the magickal kingdom into pestilence and evil so abhorrent that even the universe itself is rejecting it! Hyuck! His mad lust for power has driven the existence of...hyuck, existence itself into peril!"
"Uh," said Kairi. "Huh?"
"Mad lust!" said Sora echolaliacally. Axel bit through his marshmallow roasting stick. He eyed the boy suspiciously.
Goofy grew quieter. "See, hyuck. King Mickey has gone mad. Bonkers!"
"What," said Kairi.
Goofy looked uncertain. "Gawrsh. He's been dabbling in the dark arts for a while now. Donald advised him against it – he's had experience. He's seen things. But Mickey insisted that we had to fight fire—" He looked at Axel meaningfully. "—With fire. But, hyuck, dabbling turned into a full-fledged wallowing!"
"What," said Kairi.
Sora beamed. "How's Queen Minnie, Goofy?"
"Oh. Gawrsh," said Goofy. "She's--they're—undergoing a bit of a separation at the moment. Or at least they were—until—" The dog-thing's voice became choked with emotion. "There was—fire, and there was—locusts—and Tinkerbell fought so hard--for nothin'--" He composed himself.
Sora grinned, oblivious. "Neato! Keen! I'm not sure what's going on!"
"Really. What a surprise," said Kairi. She released her death-grip on the tousle-haired boy and scuttled towards the dog-thing. "I'm not fully willing to accept your existence, dog-thing—"
"Th' names Goofy!"
"I'm sure it is," she said levelly. "My question is, what do you want with Sora? He's practically-- uh-- Sora, cover your ears and close your eyes."
"Oh boy!" Sora chirped. "Are we gonna play neurosurgeon and the lonely MRI machine?" He beamed. "I'm good at that!" The tousle-haired boy clapped his hands over his ears, closed his eyes, and opened his mouth wide.
A shudder ran through Kairi. She cast Axel a venomous glance. He smiled beatifically and shrugged.
She faced the dog thing. "He's practically useless. He's sweet and kind and generous and he never shuts up about friendship--"
"He never does," said Axel, staring at the fire. "Thank god for duct-tape."
Kairi glared at him.
Axel pointed at his ears. "I wad it up and stick it in my ears."
"That's what she said!" giggled Sora, eyes still closed.
Goofy placed his hands on Kairi's shoulders. She repressed a shudder, feeling those cold, moist hands on her body. "The boy has more capacity for goodness than you could possibly imagine," Goofy said, staring at her intently. "He is a bottomless fountain of life."
Kairi blinked. "Huh. That's a strange turn of phrase," she said.
"Hyuck. We need him, Kairi. He's the only one who can do it."
Kairi sighed, and poked Sora with a bony finger. "You can uncover your ears," she said. "Go ahead and ask him."
Goofy turned to the boy. "Will you help us, Sora?" he asked. "Will you help us save the magical kingdom? And the universe, hyuck."
"Huh," said Sora. He looked momentarily thoughtful. "Well, Kairi already invited me to have sex with her! But this sounds like more fun!
Kairi paled, and glared at him, horrifed on two levels.
Goofy's jaw dropped. "Gawrsh! I thoughtcha was all just kiddin' around 'bout that! Good golly!"
"It's alright! She's my girlfriend!" said Sora.
"I'm—just a girl who's his—oh, wait, that makes it sound worse!" said Kairi.
Goofy shook his head. "Gawrsh, so we came just in time!"
Axel snorted.
Goofy continued. "If li'l buddy here had dipped his keyblade into your gummi hangar—"
"What!" said Kairi.
"I'm trying to be discreet—" said Goofy, frowning.
"You're not succeeding!"
Goofy sighed. "If—Ora-say—had knocked oversized boots with—well, you—we'd all be doomed!"
"Yeah!" said Axel, cheering. "Say that louder! Scream it to the heavens! Sora, you hear that?"
"Wait, I thought you couldn't hear—" said Kairi, looking back and forth between Axel and Goofy.
"Yeah, but who's Ora-say?" said Sora, interrupting. "And why does he have to have sex with my girlfriend? Or is it a thing you do! Like oral sex! Which was what, if I understand correctly, what happens when a man and a van and a plan—"
"A Canal! Panama!" screamed Axel. "Word games are fun!"
Sora grinned. "My safe word is—" He looked puzzled. "Wait! Do I have one, Mr. A—"
"Kairi, kiss him!" said Axel. "Stick your hideous tongue down his soft, delicious throat!"
"Well, that's a bit of a 180," said Kairi warily. "Also, ew."
"180 is 69 times two plus 8!" said Sora cheerfully.
They all looked at Sora.
"Sometimes I talk when I shouldn't talk," said Sora cheerily.
"Yeah, sometimes," said Axel through clenched teeth. Black smoke swirled around his ankles.
"So, Kairi," said Goofy. "Are you a virgin?"
"Yes!" said Kairi.
"Ahaehheheheheheheh," said Axel.
"What was that?" she asked.
"I said, 'Ahahahahahahahheheheh," said me," said Axel.
She turned her back on the clown. "Yes, I am."
"Ahhhahahahahahehehehhhh," said Axel.
Goofy clapped his hands. "Gawrsh! Amazing! The prophecies are true!"
"What," said Kairi.
"I know little buddy here is a pure as driven snow!" Goofy said, clapping Sora on the shoulder.
Axel sighed deeply.
Kairi furrowed her brow. "You heard that as well?" she asked.
"Heard what?" asked the clown innocently.
"The boy is unsullied! He is pure!" said Goofy. The duck nodded approvingly.
Axel sighed even more deeply.
"You—you are hearing the dog-thing speak!" Kairi said, accusing.
Axel shrugged. "All I can hear is the crackle of flames and the inexorable aging of—marshmallows," he said sadly.
"As if written on the Tablet of Ancient Ry'leh," said Goofy, off in his own little purple-prosed world. "In the time of the rat-king's rule, so shall two virgins come together—"
Axel tittered like a retarded schoolgirl.
"—on the Altar of Eisner, and in their physical union—"
"Wait, what?" said Kair. "Union? We're forming a union? Is—is Disney down with that?"
"—they shall cleanse the corruption that eats at the heart of the Magical Kingdom!" said Goofy.
The duck nodded.
"Yecch," Kairi said. "This sounds like plot development."
The duck squawked. Goofy nodded. "The King went too far! Too far! He has danced to the shrill pipings of blind idiot madmen, whistling their songs of chaos through flutes of bone and ash! He has cavorted naked in dark fathomless caverns sealed off by Templar knights centuries past, impregnating the very earth with his cancerous seed. He has cracked the scriven seals of Solomon in the desert temples of al-Hazrad, lost since lost beneath the sands of Arabie. All of this, all of these abominations, done for no purpose!"
The duck nodded.
"I'm not getting any of this at all," said Kairi.
Goofy grabbed Sora's hand. "Gawrsh, his soft skin pulses with vitality! He is stuffed with life-force."
Kairi kept her eyes fixed intently on Axel. He continued to roast a pine-cone, unflinching.
Goofy pulled a rusty dagger from his boot. "Kairi, we need a bowl!"
"Uh," she said. "Wh—" She paused. "Why do you need a bowl?"
Goofy rolled his eyes. "Gawrsh, we must use the boy's sacred blood to scry the location of he who shall not be named but who has a tail and ears. We must cast blood into a bowl water, find the king's lair, and be off into the middle-lands, e'er the hounds of Tindalos sniff him out!"
"Blood—dogs—who's sniffing who?" Kairi asked.
"Even now, hordes of hideous crack-pated daemons are descending upon this plane of existence!" implored Goofy. "They seek to slay the Child and eat his still-quivering brains!"
"Yay, quivering!" said Sora.
The dog thing continued on for a while as Kairi zoned out. She came back into awareness when Goofy's swollen fingers snapped in front of her face.
"So, Kairi?" asked Goofy. "Will you help us? Will you help—Sora?"
She sighed. "If I don't, it's just going to be him and the clown, isn't it?"
Axel smiled dreamily.
"Sure. Yay," she said. "Let's—go—save the magical kingdom. Somehow. I'm guessing details aren't a big priority for this operation."
"Yay, the magical kingdom!" said Sora, springing to his feet. "Will King Mickey be there?"
Goofy blanched. "He—hasn't understood a word of this, has he?"
Kairi looked at Sora. He picked his nose thoughtfully. "Hey, Sora!" she said gently.
"Yes, Kairi?" he said. He looked around. "Goofy! Donald! Kairi! Axel! Sora!"
"Oh, fuck, whatever," said Kairi. "Sora? Want to go on an amazing adventure across time and space and dimensions and realities and fandoms and mixed-media and blah-de-blah and, oh, wait, 'friendship'—"
"Yay! Let's go!" said Sora, leaping to his awfully oversized feet and dramatically fluorished his keyblade. "Friendship!" he cried, bounding into the dark woods. Goofy and the duck sprinted after him.
"I suppose you'll be coming as well," Kairi said coldly to the clown, rising to her feet and smoothing her skirt.
Axel stood up, his knees crackling like frying bacon. "Oh, I hope so! And I mean yes!" he said. He smiled. "After all, only I have the eggs of teleportation! Can't cross time and space without those!"
"Really? How does Goofy do it?" she asked.
"Goofy?" he said. "Who the fuck is Goofy?"
She sighed, and turned away from the clown, just in time for him to grab a piece of firewood and slam it down on her noggin. She crumpled to the ground like uncooked bacon.
"That was surprising satisfying!" Axel said, throwing the wooden cudgel into the fire. "So long, unnattractive girl!" he said, kicking her a few times in the ribs before swaggering off into the forest.
* * *
Hours passed. "I think she's dead," said Demyx, poking Kairi with a weiner-roaster.
Kairi groaned.
"Guess not. Minion, quit licking her!"
"Sorry, master," said the little water elemental. "She tastes like marshmallows and duck sweat!"
Demyx frowned. "Interesting. Move aside and let me have a taste."
Kairi groaned.
* * *
Deep in the forest, Goofy, Sora, the duck were standing around, nervously watching the clown dig a hole in the center of a clearing.
"Where th' heck did he get that shovel from?" Goofy whispered to the duck.
Donald shrugged.
"Gosh, Mr. Axel, didn't Kairi want to come along?" Sora asked.
"Naw, she died," Axel said nonchalantly. "It was instantaneous. Painless. Natural?" He looked thoughtful. "Yes. Wood is part of nature. So, yeah, it was natural."
Sora began to whimper. "B-b-b-ut Kairi—" he said.
"You'll have time to mourn as we drag her back here," Axel said, hopping out of the shallow grave. "She's a pretty heavy package. Not like you, slim!"
Sora continued to whimper.
Axel sighed. "She's in heaven, my little soda cracker! Cavorting with angels and puppies and Jesus. And relax! You'll see her soon enough!"
"Really?" asked Sora, eyes wide.
Axel smiled. "You can count on it, li'l buddy!"
The duck looked up at Goofy quizzically. "I know. Hyuck. I don't think this was such a good idea, all of a sudden."
* * *
Sebastian whistled like a tea kettle as Mickey lowered him into the cauldron, cackling all the while. Ariel could only look on in despair.
* * *
"Hyuck. Good point, buddy ol' pal. Well, shit, we're kinda caught between the devil and the deep blue murderous clown, ol' pal," Goofy muttered. "But he's got the ancient Balls—"
"I resent that statement!" said Axel, wrapping an arm around Sora's shoulders.
"—of Teleportation."
"Ah," said Axel, nodding sagely.
The duck's sword lashed out, a flash of bright silvery light in the clearing. Sora squeaked, and grabbed his hand. "Owie!" he squealed, holding up his thumb. "Mr. Donald cut me!"
The duck dipped the tip of his swords in the silver bowl held by Goofy. "Gawrsh, I can see it!" said the dog-thing. "King Mickey is in the land of—oh gracious me!" He looked at the Duck. "What th' heck is he doing there? Of all the places to be--"
"Are you padding narrative for the sake of creating tension or to cover sloppy plotting?" Sora asked cheerfully.
The dog thing frowned.
Axel looked distracted. "Do you hear that?" he asked, cupping his ear. "Oh good god. Demyx is tuning his guitar for 'Kumbaya'. We've gotta split. Quickly!"
"B-b-but Kairi—" whimpered Sora.
"—Will still be just as dead without burying her," said Axel, conjuring his smokey balls into existence. "Besides, the forest will reclaim her body, turn it into trees and squirrels and whatnot, it's all very circle of life—"
Goofy and the duck exchanged looks, pained memories bubbling to the surface.
"—but we're done for if we don't leave. Without the benefit of my special S'mores – the secret ingredient is prescription drugs, ain't I a pip? – the effects of Demyx's folk music is potentially fatal."
He grabbed Sora by the collar. "Get in the ball!" he screeched, and flung the boy bodily into the smokey ball. It disappeared with a muffled pop.
Goofy gasped. "B-b-but we haven't even toldja yet where we have to go t' save the multiverse!"
Axel looked confused. "And how does that affect us?" he asked, before leaping into the other ball. The last part of him to disappear was his middle finger, extended vigorously towards the dog and duck.
"Well, shit," said Goofy. The remaining two balls began to dissipate. "In the name of The Kingdom of King Mickey Without King Mickey, we shall prevail!" he howled. He scooped Donald up under his arm and leaped into the nearest globe. It popped.
Then the clearing was empty, save for the shallow grave, the remaining orb, and a pair of witnesses, crouching hidden in the darkness.
"Squeak," said one of the witnesses.