Katniss quietly slips through the back door, hoping her mother won't chastise her for being too late for supper. But she needed time to truly think about what happened today, earlier in the woods.
Gale kissed her.
They had finished for the day, and were walking back to the fence when it had happened. His lips were warm, a bit chapped, but they were pressed against hers.
And after she'd gotten over her initial shock, she realized she had liked it.
It was different from the other kisses she'd had: it wasn't tainted by secret motivations, and it wasn't a product of suffering from loneliness or nightmares. It wasn't planned; she didn't expect it; she hadn't initiated it. It was between only them, shrouded by light and the familiar home of the woods.
Katniss doesn't know what this means.
Does this means Gale loves her, then? She hadn't had time to ask, since after seeing her completely shocked face he had simply turned and walked away.
Does this means he expects more from her, then? Does he expect her to easily return these feelings, quickly give in to the temptation of his mouth and skillful fingers and the somewhat alluring chance at a love that is real?
She hurriedly unlaces her boots, flushing as traitorous thoughts of Gale's dexterous hands race through her mind, and she wonders what else the familiar tanned, skilled hands can do in addition to creating complex traps.
Katniss shakes her head swiftly as her cheeks flush. These thoughts about Gale are not allowed, she tells herself as she quickly pushes off her boots. Traitorous, wandering thoughts only lead to feelings, feelings lead to love and love results in marriage and children being shipped off to an arena and instructed to kill—
She forces herself to take a deep, calming gulp of air as her hands begin to shake. Moments later her fingers clench around the game bag, and Katniss mutters to no one that she'll be fine. She quietly pads down the hall, eager to set her game bag down in the kitchen before slipping upstairs for a hot shower. It's one of the only perks of being a Victor, she muses absently, keeping a careful eye out for her suddenly intrusive mother. The improved lifestyle came with a downside though— she couldn't help the guilt that plagued her when she saw the blatant suffering and poverty of everyone else in her District, and memories of her own impoverished state attack her thoughts.
All too easily she can feel the ache in her belly from lack of food; her mother's empty blue eyes; the dirtied picture of a man that had been taken from them—
She's startled from the dark, spiraling thoughts by voices in the front room, and she pauses next to the stairs, hidden from view.
"He needs help," a gruff voice whispers, and Katniss is surprised to recognize Haymitch's voice. Then she's immediately curious and confused— why is he here?
"What?"
"He's in bad shape," Haymitch continues, and Katniss peers around the staircase to see the stooped, scruffy stance of her mentor leaning against the front door as he whispers to her mother.
She can make out the concerned look on her mother's face, and Katniss' curiosity is further stoked at the worry on Haymitch's face. Since when does Haymitch care for anyone else? Well, besides her and Peeta?
Katniss' eyes widen as she realizes it must be Peeta they're discussing. But what could possibly be wrong with him? He looked well the last time she saw him in town.
She can't remember when exactly the last time she spoke to him was.
"Katniss?" Prim's voice startles Katniss, and she quickly glances up to see her younger sister walking down the stairs. "What are you doing?"
She shushes Prim and looks back towards the front door to find Haymitch's gray eyes pinned on her. Her mother also worriedly looks at her daughters, and she mutters something to Haymitch Katniss cannot make out.
"I'll be back shortly," Mrs. Everdeen calls, and the front door shuts behind Haymitch and Mrs. Everdeen.
"Katniss," Prim starts, but Katniss rushes to the window just in time to see her mother disappear into Peeta's house. Worry suddenly plagues her, and Katniss refuses to think about the implications caring about Peeta holds.
She doesn't love him, and she never will.
"Is something wrong?" Prim asks, curiously staring at her sister. Katniss stares at the lit windows of Peeta's home, and doesn't answer at first.
She shouldn't care, she knows.
She doesn't care.
Katniss turns from the window and places the game bag on the kitchen table, and when she faces Prim's inquisitive blue eyes she offers a smile she tries desperately to mean.
"Nothing," Katniss says. She slowly walks upstairs to finally shower, and Prim's suspicious gaze follows her up the staircase.
In the shower Katniss tries to not worry about Peeta, and somehow she finds herself leaning on thoughts of Gale's grin; his laugh that wasn't quite as infectious as a certain blond boy's; Gale's quick, coal-covered fingers…
Katniss closes her eyes, letting the water run down her cheeks like tears shed over a true love.
Soon real tears join the tracks on Katniss' face as her body shakes with silent sobs; she cries as she realizes true love is something she can never have.
In the shower, alone, shrouded by the self-imposed darkness her closed eyelids offer, Katniss finally lets down her guard; she doesn't have to pretend to be strong, unflinching— she can finally admit what she constantly denies herself in hopes of staying strong and surviving the horrific aftermath of her Games—
She will never have love.
Katniss wraps her still-thin arms around herself as the tears continue.
She will never have love.
And that hurts.
A/N: Happy New Year!
Yes, still alive and really plan to update Like Crazy soon. I just wanted to show that I still exist and do plan to continue these stories.
Okay, so this chapter is set around the time Haymitch discovers Peeta's addiction. Probably a bit confusing if you haven't read Like Crazy. Again, I am so sorry about Like Crazy... Chapter 56 is proving too be very, very difficult to write— too damn difficult.
Also, Weak is probably going to finish sometime soon. Any chapter you would like from Like Crazy, feel free to mention it in a review.
Sorry for any errors, was in a bit of a rush.