Magical Three
1st September
Great Hall - 7.00pm
Another feast! How simply splendid! I'll have to keep an eye on the old waist if this keeps up. Diet? Hmm.
I'm sat next to my new bezzie, Severus, of course! He keeps avoiding my eyes, the poor shy dear!
7.02pm
Aaaah, and here they come! A new generation of witches and wizards ready to be Sorted. Look at them! All bright eyed and expectant, and clearly in awe of the great Gilderoy Lockhart!
7.10pm
Sweet Merlin. How long does a Sorting take? I would've gone for that late afternoon snack, if I knew I was going to have to sit through this guff!
7.11pm
Snooze.
7.13pm
May have briefly nodded off during the snotty, freckly girl's Sorting. Well, one needs one's beauty sleep, you know!
7.16pm
Her pig-tails are just awful. What is she, five?
7.18pm
Wonder if Dumbledore would allow me to make-over the Sorting Hat? It's so shabby and disgusting, just like Ida would be if I didn't force her to dress stylishly. I'd shudder to let it anywhere near my gorgeous, golden ringlets. I'm thinking rich purple fabrics. I'm thinking diamantes. I'm thinking tassels. It'd be simply divine!
7.19pm
That hat is so first century! It's screaming for some TLC, Dumbledore!
What colours did people even wear back then? Brown? And not the good, fashionable kind of brown, like my chocolate robes or my mocha pyjama set. No, I'm talking peasantbrown. Yeuch!
7.20pm
AT LAST. Where's the grub?
7.25pm
Pork chops are a triumph! Might forgo the diet for just a couple of minutes...
7.30pm
TRIFLE!
Bedroom - 9.00pm
Relaxing in my boudoir after a delightful evening. Ida came in with some hot chocolate in my "I heart me" mug.
"Ida," I said, wagging a finger at her. "You could really learn something from these Hogwarts house elves, you know!"
"Pardoning me, sir?"
"Yes! Your pork chops are not a patch on theirs. They're like little bites of heaven! But made out of ham."
"No, sir, I understand," she blustered, though I doubt she did. "What I was meaning was... there are other house elves here at Hogwarts?"
"Uhhh... yes!"
Idiot.
9.10pm
Ida has vanished.
9.11pm
Oh well. Early to bed, early to rise as they say, so I must retire! Need to be up with the lark tomorrow, ready for an invigorating first day of teaching!
2nd September
6.00am
Awake! Oh, what a beautiful morning! The sunshine, the birds! I'm high on life. This is it, this is the stuff. Wonderful.
6.02am
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
7.20am
Huh? Face is stuck to the pillow.
7.23am
Where is Ida when you need her? I can't possibly get out of bed without her there to hand me robes and take out my curlers etc. Will just close my eyes for one more second...
8.15am
Oh dear.
8.16am
Summoned Ida immediately. This is my 'to-do-before-nine o'clock' list:
- Big English breakfast. Eggs, bacon, fried bread – the works.
- Mug of tea, including skimmed milk and ten sugars.
- Cleanse.
- Tone.
- Moisturise.
- Take out curlers.
- Examine wardrobe.
- Narrow down wardrobe to just three options.
- Choose (allowing time to change one's mind).
- Brush teeth.
- Floss (essential for Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award Winner!)
- Match shoes to outfit.
- If no shoes work, change outfit.
- Hairspray (to hold fabulous curls in place!)
- Maybe glitter hairspray for a jazzy vibe? (interesting!)
- Write lesson plan for Seventh Years.
8.20am
Hmm. Used up a good five minutes writing the list! Won't be able to fit in the lesson plan, I don't think.
8.22am
Anyway, how much attention can Seventh Years need? My natural charisma alone should be enough to satisfy them. A few cheeky winks for the ladies and some roguish jokes for the lads – they'll lap it up!
8.23am
Oooh, Seventh Years are of age, aren't they? Does this mean I have a license to flirt? It would be a crime not to, quite frankly!
8.26am
And their education is practically over and done with, anyway. All they need are a few pearls of wisdom, a few life lessons if you will. Simple.
8.27am
It'll be a breeze for a pro such as I! The REAL question here is this: what robes shall I wear?
8.30am
I told Ida this as she was suggesting outfits for me. "We mustn't lose sight of what's truly important here, Ida."
She held out the hot pink robes and looked adorably puzzled. "The students, sir?" she suggested.
"Pish! Goodness, no. I meant my appearance, you fool!"
8.35am
Rejected the hot pink. So last season.
8.45am
Turquoise?
8.47am
Or maybe a nice teal?
8.48am
Sorted! I'm now looking splendid in an on-trend, autumnal bronze. Perfect, actually, as I'm teaching Ravenclaw next! How fabulously considerate of me!
8.55am
Ida informs me I'm teaching Slytherin and Hufflepuff next.
8.58am
...Well, the thought was there.
Staff room – 1.45pm
Phew! Busy morning! This teaching lark, though... it's a bit easy, isn't it? I don't know why people complain!
I've just breezed into the staff room ready to soak up the juicy gossip and general atmosphere.
1.46pm
General atmosphere is a tad disappointing. Gingerly lowered my bronze-clad self into a hideously shabby leather armchair. Like the Sorting Hat, I think this room is in dire need of a Gilderoy make-over!
1.47pm
And no juicy gossip, either. The room's empty apart from me and Minnie McGonagall, who's looking alarming in an all-tartan cloak. She's not exactly chatty, this one. In fact, I can't even see her face over the top of her newspaper...
1.50pm
Hell-OH! Ready-made gossip just wandered in in the form of the golden-eyed goddess, Madam Hooch.
I sent her a flirty wink as she hurried past... and settled next to Minnie!
Interesting.
1.56pm
The conversation I was just privy to was burstingwith sexual tension:
"Afternoon, Rolanda."
"Minerva."
"Good morning?"
"Quiet. Been clearing out the locker rooms."
"Hmm. I could use a quiet morning. I had a double period with the third years – chaos."
"Say, Minerva, could I poach the Quidditch pages off you?"
"Of course."
1.57pm
I wonder what 'the Quidditch pages' is code for?
Lonely hearts? Lingerie ads? Judging by the charged mood in here, it must be something saucy!
1.59pm
They are now sat side by side, faces hidden by newspapers. Merlin only knows what's going on out of sight!
2.00pm
I have clearly uncovered an illicit lesbian love affair.
My fabulous quarters! – 7.30pm
Tip-top first day of teaching. Tip-top, indeed!
The kids loved me! The boys laughed like loons at all my jokes. I didn't even use my best material!
7.33pm
In fact, some of them laughed SO hard, I was worried they'd never stop. I can clearly add 'comedic genius' to my already full to bursting CV.
8.00pm
Ida just brought me a blueberry muffin (healthy!) and tomorrow's teaching schedule.
8.02pm
Goody! Am teaching the second year Gryffindors. So I'll get to see my new protégé, Potter, in action.
8.03pm
I'm not expecting much. He hasn't dispatched a dark wizard in years.One in twelve years is hardly impressive. I, on the other hand, write a book a year and Potter has the nerve to call himself a celebrity with that pathetic record.
The boy needs taking in hand.
8.05pm
I need something spectacular for tomorrow's lesson to show him how it's done!
Think, Gilderoy, think...
9.00pm
"Idaaaa... what should I do?"
She paused mid-way through folding my socks. "A quiz, sir? Ida likes quizzes. Ida's favourite is on the, um, wire-less box in the afternoons." She giggled. "Ida never knows the answers, sir, but she still likes it!"
I shook my head disappointedly. Crazy, just crazy.
9.20pm
Okay, the quiz can be Plan B.
9.23pm
Wheee! Don't tell Ida, but writing this quiz is actually quite fun! Here's a quick sample to test your Gilderoy knowledge:
9. If Gilderoy Lockhart could be any animal, which animal would he choose?
13. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's ideal first date?
15. Which Quidditch team does Gilderoy Lockhart support?
22. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite holiday?
9.24pm
Here, in no particular order (tee hee), are the answers:
The Holyhead Harpies (phwoar!), a well-built stallion, Valentine's Day and an evening of wining, dining and intelligent conversation.
How did you do, Lockhartians?
9.31pm
Great Scott! Half-way through writing up Ida's stupid quiz idea (I'm on question 38), it hit me! CORNISH PIXIES!
9.32pm
God, I'm good.
9.33pm
Where does one find Cornish pixies?
Cornwall?
9.40pm
Summoned Ida. "How do you fancy a little trip?" I said.
"Sir?"
10.00pm
Hope if Ida does go all the way to Cornwall she brings me back a souvenir.
10.01pm
Like a novelty pen or a Cornish pasty.
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