The gloved hand of Cartoonatic ran over the grass as she observed a kind of impression amongst the blades. She saw similar imprints across the ground.
"Everyone was here." She said, using a low, tense whisper worthy of the movie business, "Nineteen people, with one having a…rather odd pacing."
"Yeah, can you lay off the Aragorn trick?" the Batman-dressed Dezblade asked, "We're kinda eating their dust here!"
Cartoonatic stood up, swiftly, and dropped the act. "Sorry. Just…getting into the game."
Dez rolled his eyes, then tapped into something on his Batman cowl. Instantly, the color scheme changed to hues of dark greenish-blue with the occasional orange. Speaking of orange, there was a set of footprints.
"It appears that they split up." Dez said, following the trail, all the while earning strange looks from his current company.
"And you know this, how?" Cartoonatic asked.
"Detective Mode." Dez answered, tapping his cowl, "Came free with the costume." He then tossed Cartoonatic a pair of goggles, then explained (in an impression of Batman), "Those goggles have the same mode as my costume. I'll go down one path and you go down the other."
"Okay then." Cartoonatic said, slipping them on and jumping in surprise at the colors, "Man, Bats must have everything these days…"
And, hurriedly, they separated on the path. But, knowing fate (and the author), they would meet again.
SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW
Team A trekked down the pathway, the Roxas-dressed-Lunatic up front with the map in hand. Angelic Soldier walked level with him so he could look over the Insane Critic's shoulder.
"You sure you're reading that correctly?" Soldier asked.
"Well, it says 'travel to the woods in the far northeast and you'll be faced with a path that is lined with trees'." Lunatic said, analyzing the map, "This is the only forest northeast from the starting point, so this HAS to be the place."
Wildrook, still pretending to be riding some invisible horse, looked to his left, then to his right before he asked, "Does anyone know where Cooly is?"
Everyone turned around to see Cooly leaning against a tree, sweating a waterfall and panting madly. "I'll be…hold on…" he panted for a while, then continued, "I'll be…okay in just…a sec…"
"What's wrong with him?" Doopliss asked.
"A fur coat under a pretty heavy coat like Vash's probably has him baking like a meatloaf." Bindi answered, then tugged at part of her suit, "I should know because this suit's so tight that it's pulling a few of my hairs."
Wildrook held back and went over to Cooly. "Do not worry, my famished hedgehog. You may ride on Patsy for a while."
Wandrex's eyes widened and a split second later, he had Cooly riding on his enormous backpack while still managing the coconut clack. Only one thing went through his mind as he continued being Rook's "horse".
He's not paying me enough to do this job…
"Hey, Steel, isn't Kenshin's hair longer than that?" Bindi asked.
"Steve stole the wig I had bought for the occasion." Steel said, irritably, "I don't even know WHY he did it!"
Doopliss lingered in the back, in order to get a bit of secrecy from the others. Why, you may ask? To plot a nasty scheme away from the prying eyes of others.
Those fools. They don't know that, by telling ME about the sword, I would go after the sword for my evil purposes! As soon as they find the sword, it will be I who will claim its unstoppable power to conquer the world!
Tap, tap, tap, tap.
Doopliss turned around, in total shock because he thought he was the back of the line, and was met with a creepy sight. It was Systema. Even through his costume, the ghost could sense the Russian's soul-piercing glower.
"There's a reason it's called an 'inner monologue'." Systema stated, "And because you failed to realize what that was, I will be keeping a close watch on you." To emphasize his point, the Russian popped his knuckles.
And right there, right then, Doopliss knew that he would keep quiet if he valued his life.
Kitten dashed to the front of the group and asked in both a fast voice and an exaggerated Italian accent, "So, is-a this the correct-a path to great-a-ness?"
"Huh?" Lunatic asked, not able to keep up with either accent or speed.
"Where are we going?" Kitten said, putting it as blunt as she could.
"Oh. Well, according to the map, it says, 'if you want to reach the blade of disorder without fail, one should follow the pathway with a scale'." On seeing the weird looks he was getting from everyone, Lunatic added, "I don't know what it means either."
"Well, speaking as a wandering hero," Steel said, getting into his Kenshin mode, "I think we need something to up the epic-ness of our journey. How about a slight breeze to gently blow long hair or loose-fitting clothing?"
Almost as though the forces of nature were at his command, a breeze blew through the area. While it was good for the still-sweltering Cooly, it spelled disaster for others.
The first real problem was with Lunatic. The breeze blew his Roxas wig clean off his head and only a mad grab from Lunatic kept it from being lost forever.
The second one was Kitten. Apparently, the wind was a bit stronger than what Steel expected because it caused her skirt to fly up. With a sharp "eep", she used both hand and did her best to keep it down.
"Nah, that's not working out." Steel said, shaking his head, "Maybe some leaves falling in a slow, dramatic fashion?"
The wind stopped, much to the relief of Kitten, but then leaves started falling from the trees. It was good and all until one person brought up a complaint.
"Hey, manslayer!" It was Doopliss; the leaves falling were getting lodged on his body, making him look more like the "King of Autumn Leaves" than anything else, "These leaves are getting caught on my sheet! STOPPIT!"
Steel flinched, then suggested, "Better yet, how about epic music fit for travelers?"
The leaves stopped falling as there came the low notes of a strumming harp. While it was nice and all, Rook noticed it was coming from not too far away.
Wildrook sharply turned and shouted, "Patsy, stop that music! Horses don't play music!"
Rook was right to address his "horse" on this. Wandrex actually held a small harp in his hand, but upon getting scolded, he sighed, tucked the harp away, then went back to clacking coconuts.
"I'm cool now." Cooly said, hopping off Wandrex's back and earning a sigh in relief from the Nobody.
"Hmm…OH! How about…"
Steel never finished because Kitten had gotten so fed up with Steel's tampering with reality that she took her push-broom and clunked him over the head with it. Steel crumpled to the ground and Kitten looked over her broom.
"Huh. This isn't as useless as I thought." She said, impressed with her act.
"Oro…" Steel groaned as he lay on the ground in a heap.
As the group continued down the road, Systema spotted something just off the path. "Over here!" he waved over. On seeing that each member of Planet Insania was at his attention, he pointed to a fallen tree, "What do you think that is?"
Every member squinted to get a look at what he had seen. It was something long, green, and scaly: a long tail.
On a lighter note, Steel had recovered by this time and had stumbled over to the group, clutching his head.
"I believe this could be the scale we were looking for: the one the map spoke of." Systema explained.
"Great job, Systema, those eyes of yours never miss a thing." Lunatic complimented.
Wow. First time he's ever truly complimented me. Systema thought to himself. A second later, he thought, Moment's passed.
"Well, still, if it is the scale we're looking for, what could it be attached to?" Lunatic asked.
Suddenly, the long, scaly object moved. It was almost like a liquid and scared the wits out of them.
And then the creature revealed itself as it coiled itself on the nearest branch to support its weight. It was an emerald-green, fifteen-foot snake with long fangs and golden eyes with slits for pupils.
"Like, halt, puny mortals." The snake said in a low-bass, dated speech pattern, "I am the defender of this path."
"Oh, dear lord, we're in a Kaa hypnosis fanart." Doopliss said, rolling his eyes.
"Don't underestimate me, you would-be warriors." The serpent warned, "I totally know what it is you seek. You seek the greatest weapon man has ever made; a weapon that will grant ultimate power to whoever wields it."
"Well, he's still more convincing than most OTHER talking animals in fiction." Kitten admitted.
"You seek the Sword of Chaos, don't you?" the snake asked, raising a brow.
"How do you know that?" Lunatic asked.
"Mind your own business, little man." The snake snapped, "Only those who know the blade's true power may seek it, and only those who are pure of heart may unlock its unstoppable omnipotence."
"Doesn't 'unstoppable' MEAN omnipotence?" Bindi asked.
"SHUT UP!" the snake hissed, "You're not worthy of the sword's power. NONE OF YOU ARE!"
After a slight recovery from the shock, Lunatic stepped forward and asked, "What is your name, creature?"
"Call me 'Snake'."
"SIMPSONS DID IT!" Doopliss shouted.
"I don't care if they did." Snake argued, "All I know is you're not going anywhere."
"Really? What're you going to do to us? Give us forbidden fruit and hope we eat it?" Lunatic asked, "Rook, take its head off. We're having snake stew for dinner tonight."
"With pleasure!" Rook said, then "dismounted" and drew his sword as he approached Snake.
"Oh boy," Steel said, nervously, "If I know Monty Python, this won't end well…"
"Huh?" Bindi asked.
"LOOK!" Steel said, pointing over to Rook's path.
Rook raised his sword, ready to cut the snake in two, when the least-expected thing happened.
The snake jumped. That's right. No legs, no real explainable reason aside from "magic"; the snake just JUMPED clean into the air.
Now that we have THAT out of the way, we can start with mayhem.
The snake jumped clean over Wildrook's swing, slid down his arm, landed behind him, and bit him in the calf muscle, earning a scream in pain from Rook as he fell to the ground.
"Don't worry, sir!" Wandrex called, "According to my field guide, that species isn't poisonous!"
"Thanks for that." Rook said, sarcastically, from his position (which was facedown on the ground).
"He needs our help!" Lunatic said, summoning his Keyblades, "CHAAAAARGE!"
With a mighty roar from each member and weapons appearing in their hands, every member of Team A advanced on the serpent. Needless to say that chaos erupted faster than most could comprehend.
The snake was bouncing around the area like a long, green, scaly tennis ball as every author did their best to try and lay waste to the creature.
Steel and Lunatic tag-teamed Snake and swung their respective weapons only to have the reptile evade their swings and whip them both across the face, leaving raw, read marks as they fell aside. Snake then turned and looked at Cooly with a fierce gleam in his eye.
Before Cooly knew it, Snake had whistled past Angelic Soldier and a now-recovered Wildrook to sink his fangs into Cooly's nose.
"Don't worry, Cooly! I gotcha!" Doopliss assured, rushing at the serpent.
The Ganon-dressed ghost pulled back a fist and tried to pound Snake into next year…but didn't take into account that mentioned serpent had no intention of getting socked and promptly let go the instant Doopliss swung. Result: Doopliss had socked Cooly full in the face.
"Oops." Doopliss said, moments before getting a good lash from the snake as well.
Systema moved with the swiftness of a ninja and swung his sword at Snake, who ducked and lashed out with his fangs only to miss Systema, who performed a graceful backflip…
Right into a tree. It appeared that the mask of his costume severely limited his eyesight.
As Systema slumped to the ground, Snake turned and was met with the muscular form of Angelic Soldier. The Spartan-dressed soldier took a sword from his belt and pointed it at Snake.
"Sparta."
Snake looked between Angelic Soldier and his sword, then gestured with his tail. "What's that?"
Angelic Soldier turned, spotted nothing, and received a headbutt in the back, sending him stumbling forward into the brush.
"RUN AWAY!" Lunatic ordered, having witnessed his fellow members go down.
"No, Loon, I'll handle this." Rook said, imitating Monty Python's Arthur.
"Oh, go ahead then." Lunatic said with a shrug.
Rook cleared his throat, then shouted, "Run away! Everybody run away!"
Every member of Insania fell back and found shelter behind fallen foliage, nervously peeking out from behind it.
"We'll need a better strategy because that snake is DYNAMITE!" Lunatic said, impressed with the creature's act.
Snake looked at them, taunting them the whole way. "Haw-haw! Can't touch THIS, losers!" he called over at them.
"Do we have any ranged weapon users?" Lunatic asked.
"Don't worry, man, I got a bullet with this guy's name on it." Cooly said, pointing his revolver at the snake from a distance.
"Cooly, are you sure you can hit him from here?" Doopliss asked.
"Ah, don't worry. Vash is a master marksman!" Cooly assured, then pulled back the hammer and fired.
The shot missed Snake by a mile, putting a hole in a tree behind him instead. Cooly stared in confusion, then fired again. This bullet didn't even hit anything. Cooly fired again and again until all six of his shots were used up. Not one came close to hitting Snake.
"Yeah, but you're not Vash the Stampede." Steel pointed out, "You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn."
"Okay, any other options?" Lunatic asked.
"There's the Holy RPG-7…" Rook said, holding up a finger in suggestion.
"That's RIGHT!" Lunatic said, cheer in his tone, "The Holy RPG of Antioch. It's one of the relics that Angelic Soldier carries with him!"
"Uh-oh…" came the voice of Insania member in question.
"That 'uh-oh' had better be because your briefs are riding up." Lunatic said, not turning around.
"I forgot the RPG." Angelic Soldier admitted with embarrassment.
"YOU FORGOT?" Lunatic said, turning to face him.
"I'm Leonidas, not Bin Laden!" Angelic Soldier reasoned, "And be glad about that!"
"I have an idea." Bindi said, then emerged from her hiding spot and made her way towards Snake.
"Wait, what's she planning to do?" Doopliss asked.
Bindi walked toward Snake, slowly and swaying her hips. Oh, and remember that slow saxophone music that played in her introduction? Start playing it now. She closed her eyes, then opened them slowly, giving the serpent a seductive look.
"Oh-ho-ho-ho…" Snake said, hypnotized by the act.
Bindi got down to Snake's level, hooked one of her claws on the zipper on the front of her suit…then proceeded to punch him full in the face.
For one brief moment, Snake just stared (though this could be because snakes don't have eyelids), then said, "Dude..." before passing out on the ground.
Satisfied with her work, Bindi stood and shouted, "Taken care of!"
As the others gathered 'round, Lunatic had to ask Bindi something. "Wait a minute, you used your whip in your right hand before we started, but you took this guy out with a left hook. What's up with that?"
"The author made a mistake last chapter." Bindi answered, casually.
"What are you talking about?" Lunatic asked.
"Oh, just breaking a few walls…and what's Kitten doing?" Bindi asked, pointing her out.
In the back of the group, Kitten was sweeping with the push-broom. On seeing the curious look from the Insane Critic, she laughed nervously.
"Uh…heheh…just covering our tracks." On seeing the reproachful glances, she sighed and said, "I'm trying to stay in character and sweeping is really all Chibitalia is good at doing."
"O-kay, then…back to the journey, everyone?" Lunatic asked everyone.
This was met with approval pretty quick and, soon, everyone was on their way.
"Hey, guys, I have just the thing to make this epic!" Steel said, excitedly, "An epic song!
May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you…"
On feeling the bitter cold of Systema's sword on his neck, Steel quickly said, "Okay, okay, I'll shut up now."
Well, just the first chapter into the real journey and, already, I've cracked more than a few jokes about the characters we're cosplaying as. If you haven't spotted them, then shame on you.
Anyway, next chapter, we check on the progress of Team B. Stay tuned.