All Along the Watchtower Part 4
"Oh, geez, Kyle, are you playing Call of Duty Black Ops III again?" Jade groaned
"Yeah" Kyle answered
"Ugh, geez, it's the lamest game ever. Nothing but *bang! Bang! Bang!* over and over" Jade moaned, tossing a frying pan over her head
*CLONK*
"Ow!" Robin moaned off-screen
"Yeah, so who cares if people enjoy it?" Kyle asked
"I'm just saying, it's the same game with different levels and some minor tweaks" Jade added as she felt her cellphone buzz
"Where you going?" Kyle asked, pausing the game
"Oh, I have to defeat Parallax who kidnapped Star Sapphire again" Jade answered in boredom
"Can I come along?" Kyle asked hopefully
"Sure thing, if you pay me $60" Jade answered
"Ehhh… I'll stop by the pawn shop" Kyle groaned, walking off to find his wallet
Later…
"alright recruit! YOUR MISSION IS TO DEFEAT ALL INTRUDERS!" Arkillo barked loudly
"Sir, yes, sir!" a young Sinestro Corps recruit said
"ALL SOLDIERS WILL RECEIVE A WEAPON: A STANDARD ISSUE BACKPACK THAT EXPLODES WHEN YOU GET SHOT" Arkillo shouted loudly, handing the Corps recruit a standard yellow backpack
"Hey, how come the enemies get a gun and all I get is a *CENSORED* backpack?!" the recruit snapped
"YOU'RE OUTTA ORDER, RECRUIT!" Arkillo growled
"You know what? I'm just gonna head home" the recruit said, tossing his backpack away in disgust
"RECRUITS! WE HAVE A DEFECTOR! SEIZE HIM" Arkillo ordered, the recruit skillfully dodging a charging wall of Sinestro Corps members as they fell off the cliff and fell into the fiery lava
"Wow, did I just do that?" the recruit asked in amazement
"You win this round" Arkillo grunted in defeat
Much later…
"Superman! Excuse me, Superman!" Booster Gold hollered, rushing up to him
"Yes?" Superman asked, snapping out of a daze
"I'm sorry to interrupt. I was standing at a park bench, took my coat off, and when I came back, I found $40 stolen" Booster explained
"Hmm… did you see anyone who took it?" Superman asked questioningly
"no, not at all" Booster answered
"well… there's nothing more we can do" Superman replied, exhaling
"um… you wanna come back to my place?" Booster offered
"yeah, alright" Superman answered
Let's now go live to the man in the street and ask him what he thinks
"I'm not a man, you silly billy" Hippolyta purred
"I'M NOT EVEN IN THE STREET, YOU FAIRY!" Red Hood yelled irately, sitting on the roof
"er, well, speaking as, er, a man in the street-WAAH!" Dr. Fate yelped as he was hit by a passing bus
"can you repeat the question, please?" Robin asked stupidly
Just how relevant are contemporary customs regulations and currency restrictions in a modern expanding industrial economy?
*beat*
Oh, never mind
"well, I think, er, customs people are quite necessary and I think they're doing quite a good job, really" Green Arrow said, looking very oddly like a young Eric Idle as he was in a flat playing chess with Kyle, who had his hands on his head, before hearing rather loud door-banging
"Door's open" Green Arrow said, Superman; who looked eerily similar to the late Graham Chapman turned around
"all right, all right, all right. My name's Police Constable Henry Thatcher and this is a raid. I have reasons to believe there are certain substances on the premises" Superman announced
"Well, er, what sort of substances, officer?" Green Arrow asked
"er… certain substances" Superman answered rather dimly
"well, what sort of certain substances?" Green Arrow repeated
"er, certain substances of an illicit nature" Superman said
"er, could you be more specific?" Green Arrow asked
"I beg your pardon?" Superman asked, doing a double take
"Could you be clearer?" Green Arrow repeated, more specific
"Oh, oh… yes, er… certain substances on the premises to be removed for clinical tests" Superman answered
"Have you got anything particular in mind, officer?" Green Arrow asked
"well, what have you got?" Superman wondered
"Nothing, officer" Green Arrow stated honestly
"You are Sandy Camp, the actor?" Superman asked interrogatively
"Yes" Green Arrow answered
"I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed, and trained to sniff out certain substances, but is also a junkie" Superman stated, a goofy look on his face
"What are you after?" Green Arrow wondered
"Oo! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Here is a brown paper bag I have found on the premises. I must confiscate this, sir, and take it with me for clinical examinations" Superman bellowed, rather pathetically pulling a brown paper bag out of his pocket
"Wait a minute, you got that outta your pocket" Green Arrow snapped
"What?" Superman gasped
"Well, what's in it, anyway?" Green Arrow wondered, opening the bag "Sandwiches?"
"Sandwiches? Blimey, whatever did I give the wife?" Superman gasped
Dear DC Comics, East Grinstead, Friday.
I feel I really must write and protest about that sketch.
My lover, in common with a lot of people her age, is twenty.
For how long are we to put up with these things?
Yours sincerely, P.L. Isley (Mrs.)
Dear DC Comics, Bagshot, Surrey.
As a prolific letter-writer, I feel I must protest about the previous letter.
I am nearly forty and am quite mad, but I do enjoy listening to the DC Comics Home Service.
If this continues to go on unabated… Dunkirk… dark days of the war… backs to the wall… Alvar Liddell… Berlin air lift… moral upheaval of Profumo case… young hippies roaming the streets, raping, looting and killing
Yours etc, Brigadier Roman Sionis (Mrs.)
"Well I think they should attack things, like that- with satire. I mean Ned Sherrin. Fair's fair. I think people should be able to make up their own minds for me" Linda said in an East End accent
"Well I think they should attack the fuddy-duddy attitudes of the lower middle classes which permit the establishment to survive and keep the mores of the whole country back when they were in the nineteenth century and the ghastly days of the pre-sexual revolution" Batman stated obnoxiously, before Booster knocked him out with a punch to the head
"well, that's, er, very interesting, because, er, I am, in fact, made entirely of wood" Martian Manhunter said in a Scottish accent
"Well, I think, er, they should attack the lower classes, er, first with bombs, and rockets destroying their homes, and then when they run helplessly into the streets, er, mowing them down with machine guns. Er, and then of course, releasing the vultures. I know these views aren't popular, but I never courted popularity" Black Mask said in a vox pop
A PET SHOP SOMEWHERE NEAR MELTON METROPOLIS MOWBRAY
"Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat" Nightwing said joviantly, facing Black Mask at the counter
"Certainly, sir, I've got a lovely terrier" Black Mask responded, placing a box on the counter
"No, er, I want a cat, really" Nightwing clarified, Black Mask taking the box off the counter then putting it back on the counter as if it is a different box "Oh yeah, how about that?" Black Mask replied
"No, er, that's the terrier" Nightwing said
"Well, it's as near as dammit" Black Mask responded
"Well, what do you mean? I want a cat" Nightwing countered
"Listen, tell you what. I'll file it's legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks and there you are, a lovely pussy cat" Black Mask offered
"It's not a proper cat" Nightwing remarked
"what do you mean?" Black Mask asked
"well, er, it wouldn't meow" Nightwing answered
"well, er, it would howl a bit" Black Mask snickered
"No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?" Nightwing asked
"No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll tell you what though… I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of your own choice. No problem. Lovely parrot" Black Mask offered, pulling up a box labeled Beaks
"and, er, how long would that take?" Nightwing asked
"Oh, let me see…. Er, stripping the fur off, no legs… Clark! Can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?" Black Mask hollered
"No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale and I got the frogs to let out" Superman answered off-screen
"Friday?" Black Mask asked
"No, I need it tomorrow, it's a present" Nightwing answered
"Oh dear, er, it's a long job… you see parrot conversion… Tell you what, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good…" Black Mask started
"er, you'd need a very big tank" Nightwing stated
"er, it's a great conversation piece" Black Mask offered
"er, all right, all right…. But, er, only if I can watch" Nightwing finished
HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT TREES FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY
NO. 1
THE LARCH
THE LARCH. THE LARCH
"Mr. Larch, you heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?" Hush asked, wearing a judge's robe and wig, Nightwing in the defendant box
"Well… er, I'd just like to say, m'lud, I've got a family… a wife and six kids… and I hope very much you don't have to take away my freedom… because… well, because m'lud, freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society. It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of his soul, and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet. It is most precious as a blessed balm, the savior of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear. What frees the prisoner in his lonely cell, chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes? What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe or wakes the drowsy apricot betides? What goddess doth the storm toss'd mariner offer her most tempestuous prayers to? Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!" Nightwing shouted loudly
"It's only a bloody parking offence" Hush deadpanned
"I'm sorry I'm late m'lud I couldn't find a kosher car parking. Er… don't bother to recap m'lud, I'll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs. Lois Lewis" Batman announced, dressed in a counsel's robe as Lois entered
"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so anyway. I said to her, I said, they can't afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg. I don't know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what, anyway it was a white wedding much to everyone's surprise, of course they bought everything on the higher purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind, so Mrs. Harris said, she said, she said, she said, the dead crab, she said, she said. Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia what with her womb and all, and her youngest, her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish they've got whooping cough they keep spitting water all over the Bratbys, well they do, don't they, I mean you can't, can you, I mean they're not even married or anything, they're not even divorced. And he's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said!" Lois babbled as the counsel bundled her out
"Mr. Wayne, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness" Hush droned in disgust
"My next witness will explain that if m'ludship will allow. I call the late Jor-El Aldridge" Batman announced
"THE LATE JOR-EL ALDRIDGE?!" Hush thundered in shock
"Yes m'lud" Batman said confidently as six men hauled in a casket
"Mr. Wayne, do-do you think there is any relevance in questioning the deceased?" Hush snapped
"I beg your pardon m'lud?" Batman asked
"Well, er, I mean, your witness is dead" Hush stated obviously
"Yes, m'lud. Er, well, er, virtually, m'lud" Batman answered
"He's not completely dead?" Hush asked in confusion
"No he's not completely dead m'lud, no. But he's not at all well" Batman continued
"What?! But if he's not dead, then what's he doing in a coffin?" Hush snapped
"Oh it's merely a precaution m'lud~ if I may continue. Now, Mr. Aldridge, you were…er, you are a stockbroker of 10 Krypton Close, Wimbledon?" Batman asked aloud, a loud bang from the coffin erupting in response
"Mr. Aldridge…" Batman started
"WHAT WAS THAT KNOCK?!" Hush bellowed
"It means yes, m'lud, one knock for yes and two knocks for no, if I may continue. Mr. Aldridge, would it be fair to say that you are not at all well?" Batman asked, another bang
"In fact Mr. Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it, would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, dead?" Batman continued, silence from the coffin. "Mr. Aldridge I put it to you that you are dead" Batman repeated, no answer. "I think I'd better take a look milord" Batman said, opening the coffin and gazing in for a few moments before closing it
"No further questions milord" Batman announced
"What do you mean, no further questions?! You can't just dump a dead body in my court and say no further questions. I demand an explanation" Hush barked
"There are no easy answers in this case, milord" Batman answered
"I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this case is about" Hush smirked
"Milord, the strange, damnable, almost diabolical threads of this extraordinarily tangled web of intrigue will shortly, milord, reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous…" Batman rambled insanely
"Mr. Wayne, your client has pleaded guilty to the parking offence" Hush moaned in boredom
"Parking offence, schmarking offence, milord. We must leave no stone unturned. Call Cardinal Richelieu" Batman ordered
"oh, you're trying to string this case out, Cardinal Richelieu?" Hush snapped
"A character witness milord" Batman explained apologetically as Sinestro walked in dressed in robes, accompanied by a rather campy fanfare of trumpets
"'Allo everyone, it's wonderful to be here, you know. I just love your country, London is so beautiful at this time of year" Sinestro said flamboyantly
"er, you are Cardinal Sinestro du Plessis de Richelieu, First Minister of Hal Jordan XIII?" Batman questioned
"Oui" Sinestro answered
"Cardinal, would it be fair to say that you not only built up the centralized monarchy in France but also perpetrated the religious schism in Europe?" Batman asked again
"That's what they say" Sinestro answered
"Did you persecute the Thangarians?" Batman asked
"Oui"
"and did you take even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defence of their feudal independence?"
"I sure did that thing"
"Cardinal, are you acquainted with the defendant, Richard "Dick" Larch?"
"Since I was so high"
"and, er, speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as First Minister of Hal XIII, and as one of the architects of the modern world- would you say that Dick Larch was a man of good character?"
"Listen, Dickie is a very wonderful human being"
"Milord, in view of the impeccable nature of this character witness, may I plead for clemency?"
"Oh but it's only thirty shillings" Hush whined
"NOT SO FAST!" Superman shouted dramatically, rushing in
"why not?" Larch asked snarkily
"None of your smart answers… you think you're so clever. Well, I'm Dim!" Superman shouted
DIM OF THE YARD
"Dim! Consternation! Uproar!" a group of Omnes said
"Yes, and I believe I have a few questions to ask Cardinal so-called Sinestro" Superman added
"Bonjour, Monsieur Dim" Sinestro greeted
"So called Cardinal, I put it to you that you died December 1642" Superman spoke
"that is correct" Sinestro answered
"Aha! He fell for my little trap" Superman exclaimed, met with applause
"Curse you, Inspector Dim! You are too clever for us naughty people" Sinestro snarled
"And furthermore, may I suggest you are none other than Sinestro Higgins, professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator" Superman continued
"It's a fair cop" Sinestro sighed in defeat
"It's all in a day's work" Superman stated proudly
"My life you're clever, Dim. He'd certainly taken me in" Hush spoke impressed
"with a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could be something other than a policeman" Hush continued
"Yes" Superman said
"what?" Hush asked, a piano started playing the introduction to a song
"If I were not in the CID,
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not in the CID,
A window cleaner, me!
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub dub,
I'd sing this merry song!" Superman sung, conducting the entire court in a repeat of the verse and ending just as a completely out of character Batman started singing
"If I were not before the bar,
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not a barrister,
An engine driver, me!
With a chuff-chuff-chuff…" Batman started, stopping as the eyes of everyone were trained and fixated on him
Hello again now here's a sketch from Gotham town. They've been writing for three hours and they called this little number- here it is, it's called~ Restaurant Sketch!
"It's nice here, isn't it?" Lady Blackhawk said cheerfully, seating across from Superman
"Oh very good restaurant, three stars you know" Superman commented
"Really?" Lady Blackhawk asked in amazement
"Mm-hmm" Superman answered
"Good evening monsieur, good evening madam! And may I say, what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir!" Hush said in a jubilant French accent
"Oh thank you" Superman said politely as he and Zinda looked through the menus
"Oh, if I may suggest, sir… the pheasant a la reine, the sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations" Hush added
"Erm… that sounds good, anyway, just have a look… take your time… Oh, er, by the way- got a bit of a dirty fork, could you… er… get me another one?" Superman asked
"I beg your pardon?" Hush spoke
"Oh! It's nothing… er, I've got a fork a little bit dirty. Could you get me another one, thank you" Superman said politely
"Oh… sir, I do apologize" Hush apologized
"Oh, no need to apologize, it doesn't worry me" Superman stated, hoping to avoid an embarrassment
"Oh no, no, no, no. I do apologize. I will fetch the head waiter immediately!" Hush spoke
"Oh, there's no need to do that" Superman said
"Oh no, no… I'm sure the head waiter, he will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once" Hush said, racing off
"Well, you certainly get good service here" Lady Blackhawk spoke
"They really look after you, yes" Superman replied as Black Mask entered
"Excuse me monsieur and madam…" Black Mask said, examining the fork before whirling back to face Hush. "Tommy! Find out who washed this up and give them their cards immediately" Black Mask roared
"Oh, no, no" Superman said
"Better still, we cant take any chances, sack the entire washing-up staff" Black Mask growled, Hush trembling in fear
"No, look, I don't want to make any trouble" Superman said worriedly
"Oh no please, no trouble, it's quite right that you should point these things out immediately" Black Mask said more calmly before facing Hush again. "Tommy, tell the manager what has happened IMMEDIATELY!" Black Mask roared, Hush racing off in a panic
"Oh, no, no I don't want to cause any fuss" Superman said
"Please, it's no fuss. I quite simply want to wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the meal" Black Mask said
"Oh, I'm, er, sure it wont. It, er, it was only a dirty fork" Superman added
"I know. And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, but I know that… no apologies I can make can alter the fact that in our restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery…" Black Mask ranted
"It wasn't smelly" Superman said, politely interrupting
"It was smelly and obscene and disgusting and I hate it, I hate it… nasty, grubby, dirty, mingy, scrubby little fork…" Black Mask rambled as he dashed off just as a forlorn Green Arrow entered
"Good evening sir, good evening madam. I am the manager. I've only just heard… may I sit down?" Green Arrow asked
"Yes, of course" Superman said
"I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork" Green Arrow continued
"Oh please, it's only a tiny bit… I couldn't see it" Superman confessed
"Ah you're a good kind fine people, for saying that, but *I* can see it… to me it's like a mountain, a vast bowl of pus" Green Arrow started, beginning his descent into despair and madness
"Oh… it's not as bad as that" Superman said, trying to comfort the upset manager
"It gets me here. I cant give you any excuses for it- there are no excuses. I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently, but I haven't been too well… things aren't going very well back there. The poor cook's son has been put away again, and poor old Mrs. Dalrymple who does the washing up can hardly move her fingers, and then there's Roman's war wound- but they're good people, and they're kind people, and together we were beginning to get over this dark patch… there was light at the end of the tunnel… now this… now this…" Green Arrow blubbered, starting to sob
"Can… can I get you some water?" Lady Blackhawk asked sweetly
"IT'S THE END OF THE ROAD!" Green Arrow wailed, bursting into tears
Lady Blackhawk patted Green Arrow's head just as a tall and very, very angry Batman entered
"YOU BASTARDS!" Batman shouted, Superman leaping back and laughing a little in relief
"YOU VICIOUS, HEARTLESS, BASTARDS! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM! HE'S WORKED HIS FINGERS TO THE BONE TO MAKE THIS PLACE WHAT IT IS, AND YOU COME IN WITH YOUR PETTY FEEBLE QUIBBLING AND YOU GRIND HIM INTO THE DIRT, THIS FINE, HONOURABLE MAN, WHOSE BOOTS YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO KISS. OH…. IT MAKES ME MAD… MAD!" Batman screamed, plunging his cleaver into the table, Superman and Lady Blackhawk leaping back in horror, just as Black Mask rushed in to restrain him
"easy, Bruce, easy.. easy…" Roman said soothingly, before feeling a tinge in his head. "Bruce, ooh! The war wound!" Roman groaned, Bruce yowling dramatically
"It's the end…" Green Arrow sobbed
"GAAAAHH! THEY DESTROYED HIM!" Batman yelled
"The end…" Green Arrow repeated, grimacing as he stabbed himself with the fork and crumpled to the floor
"HE'S DEAD!" Batman blubbered before glaring savagely at Superman and Lady Blackhawk, who were quite frightened.
"They killed him" Batman growled, lunging for his cleaver
"REVENGE! RRRRRRREEEEEEEEVVVVEEEEEEENNNNNGGGGEEEEE!" Batman thundered dramatically, about to bring the cleaver down on Superman's head until Roman stopped him
"NO, BRUCE! No! Never… kill a customer" Roman exhaled before groaning about the wound as he fell to the floor, Batman wailing like a banshee just as Hush tackled Batman from behind and both crashed to the floor in an unceremonious heap
AND NOW… THE PUNCH-LINE
"Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife" Superman joked, only to be booed relentlessly by the audience
PART TWO'S
THE ROYAL PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA GOES TO THE BATHROOM
"Have you finished in there yet?" Nightwing asked, tapping the bathroom door, to hear the Tchaikovsky piano orchestra. Nightwing sighed in disgust
Dear Sir,
I object strongly to the obvious lavatorial turn this fanfic has now taken. Why do we never hear about the good things in Gotham like Mera Bignall's wonderful jump in 1994?
Yours etc,
Kyle Voyeur
Dear Sir,
I object strongly to the obvious athletic turns this fanfic has now taken. Why cant we hear more about the human body? There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the body except for the intestines and bits of the bottom
Dear Sir,
I object strongly to the letters on your story. They are clearly not written by the general public and are merely included for a cheap laugh.
Yours sincerely etc.,
Roman Knickers
"From the plastic arts, we turn to football. Last night in the Stadium of Light, Bludhaven, we witnessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition, when Bludhaven United came of age, in an American sense, with an almost Proustian display of modern existentialist football. Virtually annihilating by midfield moral argument the now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive philosophy of Signor Alberto Fanfiro. Gotham indeed were a side intellectually out argued by a Bludhaven team thrusting and bursting with aggressive Kryptonian positivism and outstanding in this fine Bludhaven team was my man of the match, the arch-thinker, free scheming, scarcely ever to be curbed, midfield cognoscento, Roland "Blockbuster" Buzzard" Black Mask finished, sitting in an interview chair next to Blockbuster II
"Good evening Roman" Roland said rather stupidly
"Roland, at least one aging football commentator was gladdened last night by the sight of an English footballer breaking free of the limpid tentacles of packed Mediterranean defence" Black Mask said
"Good evening, Roman" Roland repeated
"Were you surprised at the way the Thangarian ceded midfield dominance so early on in the game?" Roman asked, losing patience
"Well Roman… I'm opening a boutique" Roland said, acting like an idiot savant
"This is of course symptomatic of a new breed of footballer as it is indeed symptomatic of your whole genre of player, is it not?" Roman asked
"…I hit the ball first time and there it was in the back of the net" Roland added, smiling and gazing around
"Do-do you think Bludhaven will adopt a more defensive posture for the 1st leg of the next tie in Gotham?" Roman asked nervously
"I hit the ball the first time and there it was in the back of the net" Roland repeated, confidently
"Yes, yes- but have you any plans for dealing with the free-scoring Gotham forwards?" Roman asked, exasperated
"well Roman… I'm opening a boutique" Roland said, Roman sighing and throwing his paper away in disgust