A/N I've finally updated! Trigger warning for this, and all, chapters. I don't own anything but Allie.
Snape spent the next few hours back in his chair, attempting to read his book. His mind kept shifting, and he stared for extended periods of time at the same word, trying to shake the image of her bleeding wrist out of his head. She has scared him, he had to admit. The way she couldn't hear him, the dead look in her eye, the sad way she had reached for his sleeve, the desperation that came off of her in waves. How had this gone on so long without intervention? Surely her Head of House had seen her in action? Snape knew that Flitwick was concerned... but he should have done something about it by now.
Snape looked at the clock, it was almost time for supper. He rose, and cautiously goes to the door of Allie's room. He knocks lightly, and is almost surprised to hear a whispered "Come in."
Allie is sitting on her bed, cross-legged. Snape immediately thinks of her in the corner of the room, but shakes that image from his mind. She has changed her blood stained shirt, and is in jeans and a black wife beater and red and gray socks. Her jeans are too baggy and they pool around her ankles. Her long brown hair is falling over her shoulders in an impossible mess of ringlets and curls, her bangs nearly touching her eyelashes. Her head is down, and she is staring at her hands.
"How are you feeling?" He asks, his voice kind and concerned.
"Fine." Seeing his look of disbelief, she sighs. "A bit confused to be honest. I... What time is it?" She asks quietly.
"Almost 6 o'clock."
Allie tenses her jaw and dips her head even lower.
"Why does that upset you?" Snape asks, walking slowly nearer, and sitting on the edge of her made bed.
"I lost time." Her eyebrows knitted together for a moment, before straightening themselves out again. "I lost a lot of time." She looks down at her bandaged wrists. "Did, did you find me doing it?"
Snape takes a second to brush her hair behind her ear, and lightly tilt her chin up, so that she is looking in his eyes. "Yes, child."
"I'm sorry that you had to see me like that. Thank-thank you for fixing me up." It was a struggle for her to stay looking in his eyes, but a small bit of pride steadied her gaze.
"Of course child. And do not apologize. From what I understand you have no say in the matter, and I am certain that if you had control you would chose to spend your time present, and not hurting yourself."
There was a pause where they held each other's gaze. Eventually Snape broke it, looking towards the door.
"It's time for supper. Won't you join me?"
"I'm not really hungry, sir."
"I apologize, I should not have made it seem as though it was a matter of choice. You will join me for supper and you will eat a reasonable amount. While you are in my care you will strive for all around health: physical, mental, spiritual, and magical. Nutrition is a part of that. Besides, you lost a lot of blood this afternoon. You must be feeling weak."
"Please sir, I really would like to be left alone. I'm not-"
"Miss West, this is not up for debate. I will see you in the dining room in ten minutes." He began walking out the door, when he looked over his shoulder. "And do put on a sweater, child. You're shaking." With that he closed the door.
Allie sighed and shifted her position, dangling her feet over the side of the bed, rhythmically tapping her heel against the bed frame. She stood up and went to her trunk, searching through her clothing. Now that he mentioned it, she was feeling rather cold. She pulled out a gray cardigan and slipped it over her shoulders. Much better, she thought. Especially since it hides my scars. It bothered her, though, to see the white edge of the bandage sticking out past the end of her sleeves. She tugged them down and made her way to the dining room.
After a quiet meal, both were stuck in their thoughts, Snape suggested that they have a talk. He led her over to a set of leather armchairs that were facing one another. She sank into one, and brought her knees to her chest, her arms wrapped around her knees, her chin resting on her leg. Snape sat in his chair, leaning slightly towards her.
"You said you lost time today. Can you explain what happened?"
"Well sir, after I got settled in, things started to get far away. Then it got worse, and everything went black." When she spoke, she looked at him, desperate for some kind of answer.
"Could you be more specific? What exactly happened?" Snape replied, leaning further in.
"Well, umm, I was sitting on my bed. And I lost my hands. I mean, my hands started to feel like they weren't mine." Snape raised an eyebrow. "That happens to me a lot. It almost always starts with the hands. Then my thoughts got kind of abstract. Instead of coming in a straight line, it was like they were coming in bubbles and splotches and runny paint. Then objects around me started to lose their shapes. Things looked bigger, or smaller, or newer somehow. And everything looked like it was coated in some sort of gelatin. And I just couldn't stop looking at my hands, and thinking how they weren't mine, and I know I should be used to it by now but it really freaks me out. So I tried to speak and say something, but my voice sounded strange and foreign. And words seemed really far away. I-I looked in the mirror of my bathroom, and it was like I had never seen my face before. The proportions seemed wrong, like my nose was too long and my eyes seemed like they were a couple shades off of what they were supposed to be, and the proportions just weren't right. Like someone who didn't know me very well tried to draw me from memory. I started to panic, and things just sort of faded away. And next thing I know I'm waking up on my bed with my arms all stitched up and no idea how I got there or how much time had passed." Her voice got lower and lower as she spoke, now looking towards the wall over his shoulder, sounding impossibly sad.
Snape didn't immediately know what to say. "That sounds terrifying. I can't imagine what it feels like to lose control over your mind that way." A pause. "Next time, come to me." He says simply, watching for her reaction
"What do you mean?" She says quickly, glancing into his dark eyes, before looking away again.
"Next time come to me. When you start, losing your hands as you said. Or if you're getting confused. Or any of those things. Perhaps I will be able to assist you in some way. Help you stay grounded. At the very least I can keep you safe." He hoped that Allie would agree easily to this arrangement, as it was his current best idea.
"My first response is that, that scares me for some reason. I mean, this happens all the time, I don't know when it'll lead to a black out." Allie began to speak faster. "I mean it's almost always present to some degree just sometimes it gets stronger. And I would just feel weird bothering you every time I'm feeling strange, it would just upset me, I don't want to be a burden, it's not really even that bad, I-"
"Not that bad! You could have died today if Albus and I hadn't patched you up. You are being irresponsible. You-"
"Hey!" Allie interrupted, unfolding herself from the depths of the chair. "That's not fair! I've been dealing with this on my own for years and years now, since I was a little kid, ok? I know what I do isn't the best way to handle things, but it works. And I'm happy that I at least found something that will keep me here and not off in some state of unreality. It's not fair for you to judge how I do things. I have always managed on my own before, and if you guys weren't there today, I'm sure I would have found a way to be just fine!" Allie was clenching her fists and her breaths were coming in short spurts. She hardly ever lost her temper, but she has been trying so damn hard, and she couldn't stand that he couldn't see that. Doesn't she deserve some praise for having made it this far without going completely insane?
"Allie" Snape said softly after a pause, holding his hands up. "I'm not trying to insult the way you have learned to deal with what sounds like a very difficult mental state to be in. I'm merely stating that what you are doing is dangerous, and it would be foolish for either of us to deny that. You can agree that this is dangerous, right?" Allie looked down for a long moment. Snape waited, until Allie reluctantly nodded her head. "Good. Then it's settled. If you can, you will come to me before things get too bad, alright?" Again, Allie nodded her head. "Now" Snape's voice took on a more serious tone "I have another question for you. When you harm yourself... is it always in response to this feeling of unreality, or do you ever engage in this particular behavior for other reasons?"
At this, Allie looked ashamed. "Well" Her voice was shaking "I usually only do it when things don't feel real. But I also do it when I'm feeling particularly numb. Or if I'm feeling really overwhelmed, and can't calm down." A pause. "Sometimes there isn't even really a reason. The urge to do it just comes out of no where and it's so strong I feel like I can't breathe, and I'm hurting myself before I even think of it. I-uh- I noticed that that happens when I'm trying to not think of... things." She obviously wanted to say more, but she lost her nerve. She takes a deep intake of breath "So I guess it's sort of a cure-all for me. Fuck" She says softly "I'm screwed" She buries her head in her hands.
"Language Miss West."
"Sorry" Came the mumbled reply.
"Those reasons for self injury I am more familiar with, and I daresay I can be more helpful with. Rest assured Miss West, that we will find a way for you to carry on with your life without resorting to self harm.
"Yessir" Allie said offhandedly, seemingly getting agitated. She sat up straight, began bouncing her leg, her fingers tapping out a rhythm on her knee, while she looked around at anything except Snape.
"Is everything alright, Miss West?" Snape asked, surprised at her sudden change in affect.
"Yes, fine, may I be excused?" She steadfastly avoided his eyes.
"What is the matter child?" Snape asked with a bit of urgency in his voice.
"Nothing is the matter. May I please be excused?"
"Not until you tell me what is going on."
There's silence, while the energy in Allie builds. She puts her fist into her mouth and bites down, until she sees Snape beginning to rise from his chair. She quickly takes her hand out of her mouth.
"Nothing, it's-it's nothing. I just, I just feel a little jazzed up you know? I just. Shit!" She curls into herself.
"Allie" The use of her first name gets her attention. "What are you thinking of right now."
Another pause while she curls tighter into a ball. The portraits of the walls begin to shake from her magic.
"Allie" Snape says slowly. "Calm down."
A glass on the table explodes, scattering shards into a deep blue rug.
"Sorry, I'm sorry, I need to... It's just talking about it makes me want it ok? And I'm just having trouble- I don't want to be talking about this- please, let me just go to my room."
"No."
"Ah!" Allie springs up and starts pacing frantically back and forth, her hands still moving sporadically at her side.
"Just talk to me Allie. Tell me what's going on." His eyes are carefully following her, while simultaneously spelling away the broken glass so she has nothing sharp to hurt herself with. He remained sitting calmly in his chair.
By now she is clutching her head, her eyes squinted shut. She crouches to the ground.
"Don't do this to me! This isn't fair!" Her voice is high pitched and breathless.
Snape surveys her, and a bit of panic licks the inside of his veins. He gets up and goes slowly over to her, crouching in front of her.
"Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?" He asks in the calmest, softest voice.
Allie makes a whimpering sound. "I don't know! Bad! Really bad! Like... my blood is poison and if I don't get it out right now I'm going to die."
She begins to pound her fists into her head, obviously no longer aware, or at least no longer caring, that she's being watch. Snape quickly grabs her wrist. She struggles to pull away from him, yanking desperately.
"Let me go!" She yells, biting her lip furiously. "You can't just take this away from me. Let me go!"
"No" He replies simply and strongly.
"It's not fair, you're going to KILL me if you don't let me go please don't make me stay like this, it's impossible LET ME GO!"
"No. I won't do that. You're obviously not well. I will not let you hurt yourself anymore Allie."
"Please!" Her voice is cracking. She is losing her strength. Her wrists feel raw from where she is pulling against Snape's strong hands. "Professor Snape" Her voice softens while his throat tightens. "Why are you doing this to me. Don't you like me? I don't understand."
"This has nothing to do with whether or not I like you" He said sadly. When she doesn't respond, he continues. "Allie, look at me" When she refuses, he repeats himself stronger. "Look at me." Allie looks up, still struggling fiercely.
"What! Professor, please!"
"I will not let you go. Do you understand me? I am not going to let you go. You do not need to hurt yourself."
"But I do! You don't understand!" She begins to look around, panicked. With a renewed sense of strength, she resumes her plight to get out of his hold. Snape just sighs and keeps her hands out of her reach. No matter how hard she is pulling, she cannot get her hands free. She yells a few more times, but all Snape does is look at her stony faced. Eventually, with a final pull, she dissolves into tears. Loud desperate tears. "You don't understand" She says, her voice heavy. "You don't understand. I need this, I need this. You can't take it away from me. I need this" She repeats herself over and over.
"You don't need this" Snape says, his voice barely a whisper. He pulls her by her wrists into his chest, turning her so she is sitting on his lap, facing outwards, her arms crossed in front of her body, almost as if she's in a restraint.
They stay there for a while, Snape watching the fire and Allie staring blankly in front of her. Every once in a while Allie would give a lame tug at her wrists, which Snape still held, but Snape would whisper reassuringly into Allie's ear, until Allie eventually sat still, enjoying the steady beat of Snape's heart.
"I'm sorry" Allie broke the silence, her voice a low murmur.
"Do not apologize, child. This is going to be a difficult time."
Silence followed for a few more minutes.
"I feel so out of control. I get into these states and I don't even recognize myself, and I'm driven by a pure animalistic need." Her voice cracks. "I'm scared. I'm scared of myself, of what I can do, of what I have done. I know I could have died today. Why doesn't any of this seem real? I don't understand."
"I know you're scared. Just know that you are no longer alone in this. The headmaster and I will both support you until you are well." There is a pause while Allie shifts, and tries not to cry. "Perhaps you should be off to bed? It has been a long day." Allie nodded. Snape let go of her wrists. Allie rubbed them briefly, wondering if they were going to bruise. With a shy smile she climbed off Snape's lap.
"Thank you" She whispered, and she started to walk towards her room.
"Wait!" Said Snape, grabbing her hand and turning her towards him. "Are you going to hurt yourself if I let you go to your room?" His eyes searched hers.
"No sir, I don't think so." She answered honestly.
His eyes continued to look into her, until he seemed to decide something. "Very well, Miss West. I shall be down the hall if you need anything. Remember, do not hesitate."
They parted, both looking forward to resting after this emotional day.
A/N I'm excited to finally have updated! More to come, and soon. Please read and review :)