"There are so many things to freak out over I don't know where to begin," Cordelia said. "Xander, would you mind turning back into yourself so I can snipe at you and unwind?"
"I need a sample of my original DNA to swap back and I'll need Dawn's help for that," Xander said.
"Why... OK, got it," Cordelia said. "Why are we not freaking out over that again?"
"Because I am actually older than you," Dawn reminded her.
"But physically twelve?" Cordelia asked just to be sure.
"Physically an alien with a much quicker maturation cycle that just happens to be smaller than human," Dawn replied.
"Let's do it now, I want to be me again," Xander said.
"Sure," Dawn agreed grabbing Xander's hand and leading her off so they'd have some privacy.
"How'd I die?" Cordelia asked.
"Demonic STD, coma, death," Buffy rattled off quickly.
"It wasn't an STD," Willow said rolling her eyes. "It was more a demonic parasite that allowed you to get visions from the Powers That Be to help Angel rescue people."
"That's not an improvement," Cordelia said, a look of disgust on her face.
"I become a detective?" Angel asked, wanting to change the subject.
"It was a way to make money, fit in with society, and help people," Buffy explained. "You were fighting an evil law firm and then took them over or something."
"You thought you'd won, but Giles said it was more likely they'd decided to change strategies and try and corrupt you by giving you power," Willow added.
"That sucks," Cordelia said. "So what about my acting career?"
"You can't act, you can't sing, and the only roles you were offered involved you either playing strippers or on a casting couch," Buffy said bluntly.
"Plus, you gained a soul and were more concerned with helping people than getting famous," Willow joked.
Cordelia rolled her eyes, a bit surprised that Willow had changed so much from this morning, time traveler or not, but rather pleased. "At least I'm still rich and beautiful." She saw the two wince and groaned. "What happened?!"
"Your Dad fought the law and the law won," Buffy said.
"The IRS took everything," Willow said. "Your parents left and I'm not sure how you managed to finish school. I think one of your friends let you stay with them until graduation."
"Please tell me I didn't get ugly or fat!" Cordelia begged.
"You gain at least another cup size and your ass could stop traffic," Willow assured her. "I would do you."
"Oh, thank God," Cordelia said, relieved.
Angel winced.
"What?!" Cordelia demanded glaring at him. "I so am doable!"
"Not that," Angel said, "I can hear Xander retrieving his DNA."
Buffy groaned. "I didn't notice until you said it. Looks like another half an hour before we see them again."
"How did our relationship go? Why did we break up?" Angel asked wanting to distract himself.
"You lost your soul, Willow found it again just in time for me to send you to Hell for a century," Buffy said bluntly. "After graduation you left for LA for 'my own good' and to work for your redemption. You had various relationships in LA, including Cordelia, and were probably torn apart by demons when the Hellmouth opened."
"I dated a vampire?" Cordelia asked.
"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it was part of the Renegade power's manipulations," Willow said. "You were needed as a vessel for its rebirth, so it screwed around with your head… a lot."
"Oh, well at least that's over," Cordelia said. "So... did I ever date anyone else in your gang?" she asked, her lack of acting ability really apparent as she tried and failed to sound casual.
"You and Xander were hot and heavy for a time," Buffy admitted.
"That ended when you caught me and him kissing while we were trapped and waiting for Spike to kill us," Willow explained.
"If you ended up with him then why aren't you upset he's having lesbian sex with Dawn?" Cordelia asked.
"I was dating Oz at the time," Willow said. "I distanced myself from Xander and he forgave me."
"Short guy with green hair?" Cordelia asked just to make sure, as she'd dated the lead singer of Dingo's so she was familiar with him.
"That's him," Willow agreed.
"You were so close to Xander you were like his shadow for near forever and you dumped him for Oz?" Cordelia asked in shock. "How many kids did you have by him?"
"He became a werewolf, went to Tibet to learn to control it so he wouldn't hurt her, and she started dating a witch named Tara," Buffy explained with a frown as she considered things.
"I never thought you were that fickle," Cordelia said, "and it sounds like I was nearly as bad."
"You were manipulated so you would move to LA and stay close to Angel," Willow said slowly, "and I wasn't fickle, I just... Buffy, help me here."
"Xander cheated on you," Buffy told Cordelia, "and Willow was following her heart."
"Me breaking up with Xander makes sense," Cordelia said, "but she broke up with her best friend since forever, that she wanted since she was five, for a guy who was so devoted to her that he overlooked her cheating and went to the other side of the world to make sure he wouldn't harm her, and she dumped him for some girl she met in college. Throwing away that kind of devotion is insane!"
"I'm gay and I fell in love with Tara," Willow said firmly. "It happens."
"You loved two men and desired them sexually," Cordelia fired back, "that's not gay. Unless you were just a manipulative psycho you wouldn't have gone after Xander while dating Oz, risking both relationships, if you weren't into men, period! You can like both sexes you know, it's a thing."
"It doesn't work that way, you are either gay or you're not," Willow said firmly.
"And that is one of the many reasons I dislike you," Cordelia replied flatly.
"Because I'm gay?" Willow demanded.
"Because you're an intellectual snob," Cordelia told her.
"What does that even mean?" Buffy asked as Willow glared at Cordelia.
"It means she is part of those people who think they are better than everyone else because of their high IQ, while seriously lacking in common sense, and constantly trying to redefine reality according to whatever their latest geek leader says is true," Cordelia told her. "Beneath her inferiority complex is a massive superiority complex where she ranks people she's better than based on book knowledge and scholastic achievements."
"It's been half a decade since you've actually seen me, I've changed quite a bit," Willow defended herself.
"Really? Then if you have changed so much, tell me why you would go after Xander while he was in a relationship with me, while you were dating some drummer, since you don't like guys and bisexuals don't exist," Cordelia said dryly.
"Xander came on to her and she couldn't bring herself to say no," Buffy said firmly, while Willow winced and looked away.
"Really?" Xander asked, as he and Dawn approached with him restored to male and human once more. "So when we were sitting in the back of the room during science and they turned off the lights, to show a film on cellular mitosis, and you grabbed my hand and shoved it in your pants, I was coming on to you?"
"I was confused, alright?!" Willow burst out. "I was young, didn't know what I wanted, and I had a hard time admitting when I made mistakes."
"All this time I thought Xander had practically forced himself on you," Buffy complained, "preying on your feelings for him and inability to tell him no."
"Seriously?" Xander asked, giving Buffy a confused look.
"I never said that!" Willow exclaimed, horrified.
"Well that's the impression I got," Buffy said defensively.
"The way you acted towards me back then makes a lot more sense now," Xander said shaking his head. "Though I have no idea where you got that impression since from Willow's expression I'm pretty sure she didn't say anything remotely similar."
"Barry, Jules, Craig, Fredrick, Angel, Parker, Riley, Spike," Dawn started listing off.
"Me?" Angel asked confused over what was going on and why Buffy had paled and everyone else had looked thoughtful.
"Buffy's attracted to older men who generally prey on her emotions to get her to do things she wouldn't do otherwise," Dawn said. "She was projecting the kind of situation she'd been in, on you guys."
"I've never played with her emotions," Angel said.
Xander snorted. "Please, we all know you came to Sunnydale just to 'help her' and the character you played was designed specifically to play on her weaknesses."
"Character I played?" Angel asked. "I've just been myself and how have I played on her weaknesses? I tried to stay out of her way and just pass on any information I found that could help."
"You mean like when you first showed up and tossed her a box with a silver cross inside and did the whole 'I'm a friend, I didn't say I was yours'," Xander said, posing with a slight sneer on his face, pretending to be Angel.
"How is that playing on my weaknesses?" Buffy asked.
"It's a neg," Willow said thoughtfully. "It's a trick to pickup women where you start off with an insult to make them seek your approval."
"I wasn't trying to trick anyone," Angel defended himself, "I was simply following Whistler's advice to show I was there to help and not in any way trying to hit on her."
"Did he give you the cross to give to her?" Xander asked.
"Yeah, he said it was practical for a Slayer who was pretending to be your typical schoolgirl to wear and would help protect her," Angel explained.
"OK, you were manipulated to manipulate Buffy," Dawn said, seeing where this was going.
"And Buffy hits all your buttons," Xander said. "I no longer consider you a huge sleaze and I'm finding it a bit scary how effectively you were both molded and shaped to play off one another."
"Glad we got that settled," Cordelia said. "Now how did you finish up so fast? You aren't a minute man are you?"
"Hey!" Xander complained.
"He's big, I'm small, and still a little sore as this body hadn't done any of that before last night," Dawn said.
"I so don't need to hear any of this," Buffy groaned.
"Anyway back to topic," Cordelia said. "Willow is either bisexual or deliberately destroyed Xander's relationship with me and since she claims bisexuality doesn't exist that means she wasn't really attracted to Xander sexually and purposely destroyed our relationship for her own reasons."
"Pretty sure bisexuality is a thing and Willow didn't realize girls were a real option till she met Tara and saw how much stronger the emotions were," Xander defended Willow.
"If her attraction to guys wasn't that strong, then she couldn't have gotten overwhelmed by her emotions and made a bad decision, it had to have been premeditated," Cordelia pointed out.
Willow groaned. "Fine, I'm bisexual! Is that what you want to hear?! I was wrong, it exists, and I'm smack dab in the middle of it! It's simply a lot simpler to focus on one sex and this way I don't have a jealous boyfriend coming between me and Xander!"
Everything was silent for a minute before Cordelia spoke up, "Actually I was trying to get you to admit you'd deliberately sabotaged our relationship so I could see if we could make it work this time without you interfering."
"Ahem," Dawn said.
"I'll share," Cordelia promised.
Typing by: Abyssal Angel