Penguins of Madagascar:
King Versus Emperor
by Neoraichu
This story is rated 'M' for Mature Situations which will occur later on.
WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
...
Meanwhile, King Julien and his minions were busy appraising their new neighbors.
"Oh how can dey be worthy of a new place to be hanging out when I the King Julien am getting nuthing of newness?" moaned King Julien in his Julien sort of way.
"Oh Julien," moaned Maurice, "It's only temporary. It's a penguin tour."
"Still, even temporariness is bettering than the neverness. I should be being shown the better respect than da penguins. They aren't even da Kings likening myself."
"You are the bestest and onlyiest for me," sighed Mort in his fawning sycophantic sort of way.
Maurice ignored Mort as he pretty much normally did. "Well, your majesty," he said, "There are in fact Emperor and Royal Penguins in the traveling exhibit."
"Emperor? Royal?" asked Julien, "Is dat like being da King?"
"Not to me," said Mort.
Ignoring Mort, Maurice said, "I know they're rulers like a King, but I have no idea how much they are like or unlike Kings."
"Well then dey cannot be as Kingly as me, King Julien," said King Julien, "I must go forth and assert my royal regal Kingless over their lowly peguinessesses."
"You wouldn't want to go in there," he replied, "It's freezing cold in there, even compared to being out here. I've heard that they're going to bring the penguins out in groups to be displayed to the zoo goers."
"Dey will see the King Julien when the King Julien will be wanting to be seeing of them," said the King.
"Do you want me to bring them to you?" asked Mort.
"Ah yes, my loyal subject Mort," said the King finally paying attention to the small furry minion, "Your King would me most agreeable and appreciatinging of that which you could be doing for me, da King."
"This should be good," sighed Maurice as he rolled his eyes.
"I am, as they are saying, on the case," said Mort cheerfully.
"You are on the case of what?" asked Julien.
"I do not know," said Mort, "It seemed like the thing to say. Maybe I am on the case of... floor?"
"Mort Mort Mort," sighed Julien, "Be leaving of the thinking to your King and leave the doing of what you are told to the Morts."
"Okay," said Mort agreeably.
"And perhaps later shall come the royal caressing of da royal feets?"
"I am always ready for the royal caressing of the royal feeeeeeeeeets."
"Of course you are," smirked Julien.
"As long as it's not me," muttered Maurice.
...
"Now I know you're new here, WAVE, and you are an attractive hen," said Skipper with one flipper on WAVE's shoulder, "but nothing is changing around here because you're around. These are professional soldiers who place they duties above and beyond their personal needs. There will be no molly-coddling or special treatment on your behalf. Am I making myself clear... uh... sailor?"
"Yes sir," said WAVE, "I completely understand you sir."
"Then it looks like the time we are going to spend together is going to go well."
He then noticed that WAVE was looking past him.
"Is there something wrong, sailor?"
"Well, I've never seen mating nests assembled so quickly."
"Say what?" The Skipper spun around to find that three mating nests had magically materialized out of nowhere.
"What is the meaning of this men?" barked Skipper, "I thought we went over this!"
"Wow," she mused, "They are so... creative."
Kowalski stood over a nest made of spare cables, wires, Christmas tree light strings, and a few other odds and sods from his pile of spare parts. The bed of the nest was lined with packing peanuts from a shipping box. Even the lights were blinking in sequence.
Rico's nest was made from his favorite thing: stuff that went 'boom-boom!' There was old-fashioned fuse cord, det-cord, dynamite, blocks of C-4 and C-12, a variety of rockets and apparently an inert land mine or two. The nest was lined with a nest made of molded C-12.
Private's nest was made of stuffed unicorns and stuffed little pony figures. Skipper never knew that Private had so many of those things. They were all held together with silk cord. There was nothing special lining the nest other than the stuffed animals themselves.
Each one of the men was looking towards WAVE for some sign of her approval. She appraised each nest, beginning with Kowalski, then Rico and finally Private.
"Oh come on," moaned Skipper, "We have valuable missions to perform. There's no time for this unabashed and unashamed pandering."
"Actually," sighed Kowalski, "There are no missions right now."
"That doesn't mean there could be a mission any time now," sighed Skipper.
"I'm real sorry if I am causing disruptions," sighed WAVE.
"Oh don't blame yourself sailor," said Skipper, "I suppose I have underestimated the mating urges of otherwise trained soldiers. I should have trained them better."
"So how do you evaluate my efforts?" asked Kowalski.
"Well," replied WAVE, "You do have an uncomfortable number of electrically powered devices in there. There seems to be about a 51.33 percent of terminal electrocution by virtue of the act of getting in or our of it. I also sort of question the wisdom of putting a one giga-watt high energy laser pointed at the place I'm most likely to have you sitting on the eggs. No one really knows the effects of electo-magnetism upon penguin eggs, so I'd have to remove the magnetic coils as well. I would have to question the safety of leaving chicks in your nest."
"Oh goodness," sighed Kowalski, "How could I have overlooked such basic consideration?"
"Rico roo rada nest?" asked Rico.
"Well," replied WAVE, "You do have an uncomfortable number of high-explosive structures of varying degrees of stability and safety. I would be rather uncomfortable leaving chicks in... an ammo bunker like that. I see at least five common or plausible scenarios that would cause a chain explosion and take down the entire lair. I'm sure that that would not do at all."
"No like boom-boom?"
"While I'm all for gratuitous explosions, it's not the kind of place I would want to leave chicks. I'm terribly sorry, Mister Rico."
"Why are you acting so smug, Private?" asked Skipper.
"Nothing Skipper," he replied.
"Well of all the efforts I've seen so far," replied WAVE as she walked about his offering, "Yours is certainly the softest and most comfortable. It also appears to be the safest nest I've yet seen for as many chicks as I would expect to lay. I'm not sure what all these creatures are supposed to be, but they do seem to be safe and lacking in dangerous qualities. I must say this is the most impressive piece of work I've seen to date."
WAVE walked around again to walk up to Private, granting him a small kiss upon his cheek. He immediately went red in the face and wavered as if to faint.
"Is Private sick?" asked Skipper.
"No," replied Kowalski, "just easily embarrassed."
"Oh I'm terribly sorry," replied WAVE with a blush of her own.
"He's not," muttered Kowalski under his breath.
"This is the kind of distraction that we do not need," moaned Skipper. "Besides," he added under his breath, "I could probably do better in my sleep."
"Are you implying you're going a make a nest, Skipper?" asked Kowalski.
"What?" asked Skipper, "I don't have that kind of time for this kind of foolishness."
"Then why are you giving Private the hairy eyeball?"
"What?" asked Skipper, "You're all imagining things men. I will not ever compete with my men for the attention of some hen!"
"Are you... uh..." asked WAVE awkwardly, "are you... not... attracted to hens?"
"WHAT?" asked Skipper, "I said I don't have time for hens and eggs, and that's all. Don't read anything else into it."
"Yeah," said Private, "Skipper is a stand up kind of guy."
"I'm sorry if I misunderstood," said WAVE softly, "I'm not trying to be any trouble."
"It's okay," said Skipper, "I'm sure it was an honest mistake. I'm sure it won't happen again."
"Oh, thank you," replied WAVE, "I'm not here to be a bother. Perhaps it would be best to recycle these so there won't be any more... temptations."
"Yes," replied Skipper, "That's a very good idea. We don't need any electrocutions, laser blasting or boom-boom. Recycle all of this stuff right away!.. Especially all the fuzzy stuff, Private... I mean really, where were you keeping all this stuff?"
"Oh it's just odds and sods I've kept in the back of my footlocker, Skipper."
"I should inspect the lockers more closely."
"Please don't be angry Skipper," said WAVE in Private's defense, "I think they're cute. I don't really have anything like them."
"But not standard issue for this unit," replied Skipper, "Why don't you donate some of those to WAVE, who I think would need them more than you, right soldier?"
"Oh sure," said Private.
"If it wouldn't be a bother," replied WAVE softly.
"Oh it would be a great pleasure for me."