I was bored.
Bored and bitter was the general consensus, and I was sat on the worn leather couch at the Ghostbusters headquarters fiddling with a half-finished piece of equipment Holtzmann had left strewn around absentmindedly, my clumsy grip working its way around the metal and tugging on bolts that were too tightly screwed on to move. The radio let out a dull warble from Kevin's desk that assaulted my ears with a tinny ricochet and it took all of my strength not to make my way over to it and throw it out of the window. Abby and Patty were sat reading and drinking coffee at one of the booths, an open box of krispy kreme donuts between the two of them. I'd been offered one but I wasn't feeling hungry and so the box was still half full. Holtzmann was at her desk, messing around with yet more weaponry and every now and then I'd hear a clattering noise or a curse as she battled with whatever contraption she was screwing around with. I inhaled deeply as she dropped something heavy with a metallic clunk, and yelled "SON OF A BITCH" to nobody in particular.
I tried to ignore her exclamation and instead stared intently at the cold coffee sat in front of me. Ever since I'd kissed Kevin I had felt like this; inexplicably stale and constantly on the edge of snapping and I didn't know why. Or at least I told myself I didn't know why. This night though, was worse than the others, and I needed to get out of here- out of this building and doing something before my resolve cracked.
Ultimately I wanted to get my head straight. Things had been... weird between me and the quirky, blonde engineer recently. I mean, things were always weird when it came to Holtzmann but something felt extra off-kilter when we'd spoken and it'd started since that time we'd almost kissed. But she hadn't really wanted that kiss and I knew it. Kissing Kevin had been a definite mistake on my part I reflected, my fingers running over the rough metal in my hands. I had just been jealous of the girl Holtzmann had brought home since that night and annoyed that she didn't feel the same as I did, and I needed some relief. I'd wanted to hurt her. Ultimately I knew that was a pretty despicable thing to do (especially to Kevin) but I couldn't justify any real remorse when I knew Holtzy wasn't jealous despite my actions, I mean, she couldn't be could she? She didn't feel what I was feeling and that was just fine by me.
Except it wasn't really that fine by me at all.
Maybe you didn't want to make her jealous? I tried to reason with myself. I almost laughed; I even tried to bullshit MYSELF in this life. Whether I'd wanted jealousy from Holtzmann or not was irrelevant; ultimately I'd been looking for some kind of a reaction from her.
And if I'd wanted some kind of a reaction then I'd certainly gotten that I reminded myself, my hands carefully placing down the metal contraption on the desk as I clenched my jaw.
Holtzmann hadn't spoken to me for two days now. She was acting distant and cold and didn't care if I made an effort to talk to her. It was like our friendship had never existed.
No more late night hugs.
No more help with my work.
No more almost kisses.
No more niceties.
I furrowed my brow as I swilled the remains of my coffee in its mug. This was all so dumb. I had Kevin and Holtzmann was clearly just focussed on her work so what was the issue? I should be happy. But still this internal conflict remained and I didn't even know what it was over and I was just constantly strung out and confused and for what exactly?
I really need to get out of here.
"Yo Abby" Holtzmann called. My chest began to thud and I gripped the mug tighter, feeling anger boiling in my gut at how easily I was set on edge by that damn low voice.
"Mhm" Abby replied absentmindedly as she peered over her book.
"Would you be able to help me with this RF Amplifier? I'm not sure I wired it up right."
My eyes narrowed and I pursed my lips, my head slightly turning so I could see Holtzmann from the corner of my eye.
What the hell? I literally invented the RF amplifier, Abby doesn't know anything about that thin-
"Uh... isn't that more Erin's field of expertise?" Abby replied uncertainly. Holtz looked me dead in the eye and casually shot a reply back at Abby
"Yeah okay, no worries, I'll just do it myself".
I turned my back on Holtzmann, my teeth clenched. I was seething.
What the hell was she hoping to achieve by being like this? She'd been on a date with another girl since the night in her lab and she clearly wasn't attracted to me, so what was this really about? She was simply playing games and I was confused enough as it was. I noticed my hands were shaking and withdrew them from the mug, balling them into fists by my sides instead. I closed my eyes and grounded myself, taking a deep breath and reminding myself to keep calm.
I hadn't slept in days.
Just when I had myself under control, Holtzmann's sultry voice piped up again.
"I mean, I'd ask Erin but she's probably gonna be too busy with Kevin".
And that was it. I was done. It was like a veil of white noise had descended into my mind and my face a mask of calm fury, I stood up and hurled the coffee cup at the far wall, numbly watching it shatter into thousands of fragments and spray coffee up the clean surface. Abby and Patty both jumped up, cursing and swearing at me but I kept my eyes locked on Holtzmann, her expression one of immediate guilt and regret. As I strolled out of the room she called after me; her voice strained and slightly pleading.
"ERIN WAIT I- I I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN-"
I was having none of that.
"FUCK you Holtzmann" I spat, and ran down the stairs and out of the building.
My first few thoughts as I marched down the empty street were that
1) It was raining
2) I had no umbrella
3) It was going to be dark soon
I didn't know exactly where I was headed to to begin with and I was getting cold and wet at an alarming rate, but it wasn't long before I found myself at the local 7 eleven, and I exited the store with my arms full of an array of 'cheap n nasty' alcohol.
Holtzmann was fucking with me and it wasn't fair. A few days ago I thought I wasn't into girls, and now I was caught up in a full-blown rage-fuelled love match with my best friend, and I was the one crawling after her.
It just wasn't fair.
I was at the stage where I didn't even care that I probably looked absolutely deranged; a lonesome brunette with her hair badly tied in a messy bun and sweats and a hoodie on lugging armfuls of booze down a city street in the rain. That was me now. I was adopting a new life as a no longer "lady-like" street hermit and Holtzmann could go fuck herself.
I felt a small pang of guilt as I thought that about the engineer; part of me still clutching onto this ideal, perfect human being, but I quickly reprimanded myself.
This was not the time for regrets.
My main focus was now to find somewhere to get drunk, cry alone, and wallow in self pity in peace, and I knew the perfect place. As I turned off the main road and began heading in the general direction of my new target, I vaguely began to feel myself shiver, and hunched my shoulders against the icy shards of rain that were slamming against my face and body.
It was only about five minutes before I reached the gazebo in the park nearby, but by the time I'd made it, my hands and face were numb. The park itself was more of a dingy few metres of dead grass with a wooden, sheltered gazebo whacked in the middle for added "aesthetic". Nobody ever really came here unless they wanted to get stoned or out of the rain, but me and Holtzmann had spent a few afternoons in the summer sat in here screwing about; I could still see the burn mark on the wooden floor from where she'd accidentally set off a new weapon the last time we'd been here, and I sighed deeply, setting down the bottles of alcohol.
Everything reminds me of her I pondered as I unscrewed the top to a bottle of vodka with shaking hands. And, I continued as I pressed the bottle to my lips
Everything that reminds me of her hurts.
So I'm fucked.
The alcohol hit my stomach like fire and I choked as it burnt my throat, an arm pressed to my mouth. I could hear the rain outside and was still shivering and damp, but the vodka seemed to have a warming effect, so I quickly downed some more, squeezing my eyes shut against the manufactured taste.
I was used to getting guys whenever I wanted. More vodka. And guys were great; I could definitely date guys. More vodka. But... none of them got me as...
...as fucked up as Doctor Jillian Holtzmann did.
A lot more vodka.
And I knew the second our faces were millimetres apart that I wanted her more than any other guy. Everything about her was a puzzle to me. This enigma, this mystery that got me so confused and so curious and emotional and angry, and happy and ultimately just a mess. This enigma, I couldn't have, and that made me want her even more.
Jesus fuck was I dizzy.
Holtz probably didn't even care about what she said. She just wanted to get at me for whatever reason. I furrowed my brow and downed the last of the vodka, cringing against the bitter taste.
Why WAS she fucking with me? I thought, my brain immediately jumping to anger under the heat of the alcohol. Couldn't she see she was tearing me apart?
With a heavy sigh I pulled myself to my feet and gripped the side of the wooden gazebo to support myself so I could stare out into the near darkness. Maybe I'd been down there longer than I'd thought. It was still raining and I could just barely see the haze of a streetlamp through the heavy curtain of water slamming down.
Or maybe that was just the alcohol.
With a roar I pulled my arm back and launched the empty bottle onto the grass, watching it bounce a few metres and send up a fine spray of water from the grass before being lost in the rainy mist.
I squeezed my eyes shut and sank back to the floor again, reaching for some more alcohol.
I wasn't done here.