A/N- Sorry about the delay guys! I'm going to do personal responses to your reviews at the bottom of the chapters starting now. And remember: If you love me, and my story, you will review!
Chapter 2: Torn Emotions5:00 pm
The rest of the day I spent hanging out with my boyfriend, Ron, and my other best friends. It was a little clear to anyone with eyes that there was serious tension between Ginny and Harry. They were obviously still in love with each other, but he felt that it was safer for her this way, and she just couldn't seem to accept that, which made everything strained between them. Ron was being as dense but cute as ever, which was fortunate for me because he didn't seem to notice all the covert glances that Fred gave me the entire time. Of course everyone else wasn't as oblivious, and I was sure I was going to get some questioning from Ginny, Mrs. Weasley, or Harry before I slept that night.
Finally, after what seemed like a never-ending afternoon, Mrs. Weasley called everyone in for dinner. I sat down at my usual seat, and Ron sat next to me. If anyone, save Ron, had any doubt that there was something going on with Fred and I, they didn't after he made the swift but oh so obvious move to sit on my other side. I couldn't help but feel glad at the knowledge that someone who knew my secret was there beside me. Following that emotion was a pang of guilt that I was happier to have Fred beside me at the moment than I did about having Ron. I was always a loyal person, but in one afternoon I felt more attached to my boyfriend's older brother than to him. Something had to be wrong with that. What was worse was that when he placed a comforting hand on my knee, I didn't push it away. What is wrong with me!
Then as if I couldn't be behaving like a traitorous slut to begin with, I, at one point during dinner, caught his ankle with my foot and link my leg with his. The fact that I did such a thing was bad enough, but that I felt calmer, more myself, the more we touched just screamed that something was wrong in my head. I was definitely going to have a talk with him after dinner. What is wrong with me! I didn't even notice Ron's hand on my thigh or the glances he was giving me in attempts to tell me what he was planning for after dinner. All I could think about how right it felt to have Fred's hand on my knee and how wrong that it was that I thought it was right. I was meant to be with Ron for the rest of my life! I'd known that for years! How could one little nap with Fred change that? Alright I knew it wasn't the nap that was making me feel like this. I knew in some portion of my brain that it was him holding me as I cried and not judging me for what I told him that made me feel so safe and secure and calm right that second. The worst part was I knew that Ron wouldn't have reacted that way. He wouldn't have let me stop at the worst part because it hurt too much to put into words. He'd want to know just what happened. He would never stop asking questions until he knew all of it. He wouldn't have just held me and let me cry. He would have demanded more, and that's why I was so glad it was Fred who was there to hear my story, Fred to comfort me in my pain, Fred to notice the pain I held in my eyes that morning. Was it so wrong that I needed to be held? Was it so wrong that I needed someone to understand? If it is than I don't want to know what was the right way to feel right this minute. Maybe when the memory of Him was more faded. Maybe when the pain was dimmed to a dull ache, I could hear it, but not now.
"Hermione, Hermione, are you still with us, Hermione?" said a distant voice. Only then did I realize that I hadn't been eating anything. I had just been staring off into space while my thoughts rushed through my head.
"Oh, sorry. Can you pass my the rolls Ginny?" I said in a small voice. I guess I looked embarrassed because I felt Fred's thumb rubbing circle on my knee. Must concentrate. Must not think about how good it feels to have him trying to make me loosen up the stiffness that was racking my body. I was stiff? When did that happen? How did he notice it before I did?
Snap out of it Hermione! See those rolls Ginny is holding out to you? Grab them and thank her. Good. That's better. Just concentrate on eating.
"This is great as usual, Mrs. Weasley. I'm going to have to learn more from you before we leave to kill Voldemort," I commented. Ron, Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, and George cringed. Fred's hand tightened on my knee slightly. I couldn't help but wonder if it was because of the thought of me leaving, or the fact I said "Voldemort". I couldn't help it. I wanted it to be because I was once again throwing myself into danger and possible death. I wanted him to be worried about me.
Will you just stop it! Eat otherwise you'll be hungry later! Later when you don't have Fred beside you to think about. The thought brought another pang, but this time it was because I didn't want him to be away from me. I needed his strong sure warmth beside me. I needed to know someone was nearby who knew, who understood. Okay, he didn't know it all, but at least he had heard enough to get the gist of it.
The rest of the meal, I concentrated on eating, not because I was hungry, but because I didn't want to think about the fact I'd miss him. The fact that he might prevent me from going simply because I wasn't sure I could have a will to survive if I was alone again. The fact that I might want to die and thus get one of my friends killed by committing Death Eater Assisted Suicide. The fact I knew I wasn't worth his or Ron's love or attention anymore. The fact I was tainted and dead inside and wished I could just die outside to take the pain away, so I didn't have to live with only half of what makes me who I am anymore.
After dinner I made my best attempt to sneak away and thought I succeeded until I heard Fred say, "You'll just leave me like that." I couldn't tell if he meant just leaving dinner or something more.
"What else am I supposed to do?" I inquired while turning to face him. He stepped onto the second floor landing and started to come over to where I stood watching him. "I'm not strong enough to stay."
"So you would just go without a second thought about whether I would want you there with me?" He was close now, only two or three feet away.
"This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm supposed to be with Ron, supposed to think of him so much I forget to eat, supposed to feel happy at his closeness. How is it that suddenly it's you not him? Why do I not feel all that guilty that it's you and not him? Why?" I whispered as he stood in front of me with his hands to either side of my head.
"I don't know, but how about we discuss it in my room? We've gone to a little to much trouble to avoid prevent everyone with firm proof that you haven't been the most faithful," he suggested.
"As if they haven't figured out something was going on already…okay Ron's way to dense to notice, but I'm sure the others have," I whispered to him while I turned to open the door behind me. I walked in and sat down on his bed while he followed me and closed the door behind him. He placed a Silencing Charm on the door to prevent eavesdropping and joined me on his bed.
"What do you want from me? He's my brother, but I can't help thinking that you need someone with you now, someone to understand you. Ron is far too dense to figure out that you're in pain, and I don't even want to think about you crying like that again. Tell me what to do, and I'll do it," he said passionately. I needed him, but what was I supposed to do? Betray Ron constantly for my own selfish needs? Okay, it wasn't really betraying him, but he'd see it that way. I couldn't hurt him just because I was weak.
"Just me seeing you in private like this would offend him. You helped me, but I'll have to survive this on my own. I can't just let this go on like this. It's not fare to him," I replied, but I couldn't look at him when I said it. I couldn't see the worry I knew his face would hold. "He'll be waiting for me downstairs." I got up from the bed to leave only to be held back by Fred's arm. He pulled my to him, and I gave in because I needed to be held.
He wrapped me in his arms and held me close to him. I could feel his heart beating against my cheek as I soaked myself in his warmth. I needed this. I needed to be held by someone who had known and accepted at least part of my pain. I had to know someone out there cared about me.
And that's when my luck ran out.
I heard the door swing open and wasn't fast enough to pull away in time. There he stood. Yes, I do mean Ronald. He looked furious and hurt and confused. Well, there goes sparing his feelings.
"Fred? Of all the people, why Fred? Why him? Why my brother?" he said in a strangled voice.
"Calm down, little bro. We weren't anything. Your girlfriend's still faithful, and I think you're just a wee bit paranoid," Fred said condescendingly.
"Then what were you doing? And don't tell me some bull shit like the Heimlich maneuver. You're in her room with the door closed," he snarled.
My turn I suppose. "Look, honey, he noticed that something was wrong during dinner and came up here to interrogate me. The hug was just to make me feel better." Merlin, please let him buy it, or we're doomed. Although, now that I think about it, Fred would probably win if they got in a fight. I mean, look at those muscles. Whoops, Ron was talking again. I've got to stop doing that.
"-distracted at dinner. Are you ok?" he finished.
"Um, yeah, I'm fine now. I just needed a hug. You can both leave me now. Sleep is a necessity you know," I replied, shooing them from the room.
"But I thought we could spend some time together," Ron pouted. I saw Fred roll his eyes from behind his back.
"Okay, fine. You can stay, but Fred has to get out," I said.
"Oh, but I wanted to watch," Fred teased, the sarcasm practically dripping from the words.
"Ha ha, out, now," I ordered while shoving him out the open door. I shut the door in his face with the odd feeling that it wasn't the last I'd be seeing him that night.
When the door clicked shut, Ron nearly tackled me onto the bed. Straight forward isn't he? His mouth slammed into mine so hard I either had to open it or get some very painful bruising. The second my lips separated his tongue snaked in. I fell into auto-make-out mode. Arms behind his head, tongue battling his with minimal feeling. The entire time all I could think about was whether Fred would be listening behind the door or had he just left the second I shut the door. Whether he went back to the shop with George when he was banished from her room or had waited to see if they could talk after Ron assaulted her privacy. Oh, but that's not right. Ron's her boyfriend; he has every right to kiss her when he wants to and stick his hand down her…. Wait one bloody minute!
"Get the fuck off me!" I yelled as I flung him off me. I can't believe he stuck his hand down my trousers! I trust him with my body and what do I get? His finger up my hole! That when the door slammed open.
Fred looked positively furious. He stalked in the room grabbed Ron from his spot on the floor and slammed him into the wall. At this point I wasn't quite sure why Ron looked more shocked: the fact I had reacted so strongly to his molestation or the fact his brother had reacted just as strongly.
"What did you to her, you idiot?" Fred growled at his brother.
"We were just making out, and she flung me off her. I didn't do anything," defended the git. At this point I was huddled near the headboard of Fred's bed clutching a pillow for dear life. Fred turned around me in my current state and dropped Ron to the ground. He came over to me and collected me to him. I burst out crying, my head buried in his shoulder, and clung to him as if he was the only thing left in the world.
"Mione, it's over don't worry. I won't let him touch you again. I promise," he whispered. I relaxed against him, and the tears abated.
"I can't go through it again, Fred. I'm not that strong. Don't make me do it again, please Fred. I can't. I can't. Don't let him touch me. Please," I cried into his shoulder.
"That's what you meant. It's a wonder you even let me touch you. Oh Hermione, I'm so sorry. I won't let anyone hurt you anymore. It's okay now," he whispered so quietly that only I could hear him.
"What the bloody hell is going on here?" Ron thundered. I cringed and clutched Fred tighter.
"None of you're damn business," Fred snapped. He petted my hair soothingly. If it hurt for me to be gripping him to me so strongly, he didn't show it.
"I was right, wasn't I? Hermione's been seeing you the entire time, hasn't she? How could I be this bloody stupid?" he ranted. I could feel Fred getting more and more tense with every word like a tiger getting ready to pounce. All I could do was sob harder. Who knew I had so much water in my body?
"Don't you dare insult Hermione! You aren't even good enough to speak her name! Get out of this room! Now!" he yelled. I didn't look up to watch Ron leave, but I heard the door slam shut as I'm sure everyone else in the house did as well. "It's over now. You don't need to hold me quite so tight," he whispered to me with his voice slightly stained. Oh, so it did hurt him. I let go and turned my tear-streaked face into his pillow instead. He pulled me back into his arms and just held me like he did before. Eventually my eyes were completely dry and I could cry no more.
I pulled away from him with my head down and mumbled, "I'm okay now. You don't have to stay if you don't want to." Instead of feelings the bed creak and the door open, it went very still. Eventually I had to look up to make sure he was still there, and when I did his face looked broken. I reached out and touched his cheek just because it seemed like the right things to do. He didn't cringe or pull away, but he didn't smile either. I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. So I sat there and waited.
Finally after what seemed like an eternity, he spoke, "What are we going to do? You need to have someone with you now, but if I stay Ron will assume the worst, and your relationship will die. What am I supposed to do, Hermione? Give me some hint, something that tells me what you need."
"Stay with me until I go to sleep again. I don't care if Ron sees. I don't care if anyone sees. Just keep me safe, please," I said, blunt as possible, as I crept back to where I was sitting while he held me. He put an arm around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder with a sigh. "I'm just so exhausted."
That's when the door opened again. This time is was Ginny (thank the gods) and Harry. They saw us on the bed and decided, apparently, that this conversation would be best conducted with the door shut.
"That explains what Ron was ranting about. Well at least it's one of my brothers and not a stranger." That was, of course, Ginny.
I guess it was time to defend Fred's honor (not to mention mine). "How lovely to see you guys, too. Would you please take a seat on George's bed, so I don't have to move my head. I happen to be very comfortable." Fred was getting a little tense. What? Doesn't he trust me? "Now since Harry hasn't said anything yet, he can ask the first question."
"Okay, all I really want to know is: how long has this been going on?" He was surprisingly calm about it.
Fred answered. "When she showed up this morning, I noticed something was wrong, and after she explained the basics of it, I decided that she needed some comfort. Since I was, and still am, the only person to know the details of it, I've been helping her get through the day, and I will continue to help her for as long as she needs."
"My turn I guess," Ginny began. "Why didn't you tell any of us something was wrong? Why did you tell Fred of all people?"
I could feel Fred sucking in air to answer, so I started to speak before he could. "I can answer my own questions Fred; you can't protect me from my own voice." I turned to Ginny. "When he helped me bring my bag upstairs, he would leave until I told him what was up, and I discovered how hard it is for you to fall asleep with someone watching you. I didn't want to tell anyone, but he got it out of me cause, well, I was tired."
"I'm sorry I didn't let you sleep, but if I was a cat, my curiosity would have killed me by the age of 2," Fred apologized.
"But satisfaction brought him back," I joked. He laughed a little, and we turned our attention back to Harry and Ginny. "Anything else?"
"No, I'm pretty sure I got the gist of it," replied Harry.
"Same here," Ginny chimed in.
"Okay then get out! I have some sleep to catch. Oh and Harry," he turned, "staying away from her won't save her from Voldemort." He nodded in understanding while she got a smug grin on her face.
They left, and Fred and I were alone again. I lay down on his bed on my side, so he could fit along beside me. I felt his arms snake around my waist, and I was once again in the sweet oblivion of dreaming.
A/N- Finally the new chapters up, and I hope you like it! This is your cue! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!
Here are my responses to your reviews! Sorry if your name is capitalized where it shouldn't be. It's the stupid computers fault.
Amrawo-You are the very first reviewer I had for this story! Yay!
BloodySmiles- Interesting pen name.
Redheadlover- Thank you for the enthusiastic review! Keep writing them, cuz I love to read 'em.
ViciousCerealKiller- I'm glad it freaked you out. There will be a few happier chapters, and then I will plunge head first into the grim stuff again! Can't destroy everyone's mental state, now can we?
Caboodle- Thank you!
Twitchy-tennisplayer- Okay, okay, calm down! I'm typing as fast as I can.
Alexandra Warkel- Ah, caffeine. Drink of the hyperactive gods…
Kiwi93089- Thank you for the muffins! They were delicious!
AnonimousXoXo- I almost feel sorry for Ron…almost.
Cantatedomino- Thank you!
Runaway mental patient- Just not bad! I'll have to do better then!
Perfect butterfly blade- Thanks!
Professor Jaida- Thanks!
Pheonisfeathersx3- just did.
Slyzerin- Yay! Someone who likes both of my stories!
Techgirltheone- My other story is just like all the other ones from before the 6th book, so I thought I needed a change. Glad someone was made happy by my choice!
Kaydeek- I totally agree!
Navy-girl2198- I can't wait for the "romance" to start either…maybe that's why I feel like I'm rushing everything…nah!
DRACOSLOVERGURL- Thanks
The blonde Barbie- Thanks